What would you wish your your dad had done to help you

[JustaDad]

I recently found out that my tweener aged son has been cross dressing. After the initial shock and denial I've come to realize that this is his reality and I have to accept it. My wife has spoken to him about it and recently went to seek help from a therapist who works with young people. My son knows that I know but I have not pressed him about it or even broached the subject. I have a good relationship with my son but he has never been one to speak with me about things that bother him.. I want to do whatever it it takes to support him but I don't know what to do or say.
It would help me to know what you wish your dad had said or done to make your life a little easier. There is so much I want to say but just don't know where to start. I know I can't solve his problems but I want him to know I'm there to support him. Puberty and middle school are rough enough for most kids but this has got to be just the worst.

[Beverley Sims]

Just don't show disappointment at the fact that he likes girls clothes.
Or even hint that he is not the little man that you would like him to be.
You could ask him why he likes girls clothes or even steer him towards his mother a little more for encouragement.
I do not agree that this is the worst...
It is better for your wife to help him and all you need to do is give support.

Taking him to a therapist is not going to "cure" him and might estrange him even more.
I think it gives the perception that he is weird or sick in the mind to do so.

[Bria]

I'm glad to hear that your son is seeing a therapist. Hopefuly this can help him to understand himself. Crossdressing is in most cases only a hobby, however for some is an indication of gender identity questions. Be sure that the therapist is qualified to deal with gender idenity. Please make sure that your son knows that youare in his corner whatever road he takes in the future. This is a friendly forum that will offer you a lot of support Please read many of the threads here which will help you understand crossdressing. Good luck and keep us up to date.

Bria

[kelly10]

Right now, how do you feel about his cross dressing? Or do you really have a sense yet of what you are feeling other than shock (you are clearly past the denial)?
Are you feeling that it may be due to something you may have done or not done wrong? (Just askin' )

[KellyJameson]

Among his age group it may be crossdressing or it may be about bending gender which is becoming trendy with teens as being androgynous.

You may want to gently explore how he identifies as "gender" which the crossdressing may be about.

Crossdressing hides a spectrum of behavior and motivations and it can be benign as playing with gender or very serious as a search for self.

Most crossdressers are heterosexual so you may want to explore how he identifies sexually because that could point the way to why he wants to crossdress.

Based on what I have read here and on other forums most heterosexual crossdressers find it erotic and partly do it for sexual excitement at some point in their experimentation. Not something you probably want to hear but better now than later.

If he is shy, introverted and sensitive the crossdressing could supplant his interest in girls assuming he is heterosexual and this is where it could benefit him to become skilled, comfortable and confident in his interactions with females which may reduce his interest in crossdressing if it is done for erotic reasons.

It is my personal opinion that some men who are intimidated by women turn their sexuality inwards through crossdressing.

If it is about gender identity confusion than this is very serious to the well being of your child and should be treated as such.

Particularly if there were indications that "he" identified as female or wanted to be female in the first three to eight years after birth.

Pay close attention to his sexuality as being heterosexual or homosexual because that usually affects the reasons for the crossdressing.

[Dana3]

Just this. Go to him look him the eye take him in your arms and tell him you Love him have always loved him and will always love him.
That you will always be there for him love him ans support him. In an "ideal" world I would liked to been able to experience and express botg aspects of my personality / being. That is to say that I wouldhave
Loved to at least be able to express both my femininity and masculinity until hadfound
My own personal balance.

[sandra-leigh]

(Dana's answer)

I would also ensure that speaking to a therapist was referred to in a positive light such as "helping him discover who he is and who he wants to be", and not spoken of as "getting him some help" or "curing him".

Don't talk as if there is "something wrong with him" or "this is the worst". Every child has challenges in growing up. It is okay to acknowledge that different choices have different consequences, but you are there to help prepare him to live with whatever choices he makes. Choosing to be a major pentathlon contender would represent a "hard" life too, but you wouldn't talk to an athlete son about matters such as "Your mother and I worry that you are setting yourself up for ridicule and social exclusion".

One thing you can do is ask your son what you can do for him. And you can make offers that indicate acceptance, such as offering to go with him shopping.

Although someone his age might at first be ashamed to be shopping for such things with his father, but on the other hand it sends a powerful message to see his father right there being cool about going into women's sections, demonstrating that it is not something that someone who "looks male" needs to feel is "undignified" or necessary to "slink around" or "sneak in". And with stores whose staff are relatively consistent, for you to be there with your son, giving the implicit message that you know and approve of what he is interested in can be socially useful. Or in some cases it might seem worthwhile to be more explicit, "This is my son, and I am glad that there are stores like yours that he can feel comfortable shopping in."

Pedicures together. Ask his opinion on what color polish you should get.

Sorry my thoughts are fading about this point; it is getting late at night.

[Kate Simmons]

Love him for who he is as a person. That is the best thing any parent can do for his or her children. My Dad found out I CD'd when I was a young adult but he was in denial. If he had shown interest in talking to me about it, it would have made all the difference in the world. I turned out to be a loving Father in my own right but as you say, it wasn't easy. Just knowing that you care will make a world of difference to him, believe me.

[KristyE]

Dana3 said it! Tell him you love him and will support him no matter what he does or feels. You and your wife sound like good parents, just be there for him. I wish I had parents like you.
Love KristyE

[Teresa]

I'm really sorry Bria but if cding was just a hobby I wouldn't be doing it. Read my post about going ballistic.

[kimdl93]

It's hard for teens to talk openly when they are dealing with problems. My dad probably knew about me, and I recall a conversation where he gently told me that I could always talk to him if I had a problem. I brushed it off and looking back on it years later I wish I could have brought myself to talk.

[Marcelle]

Hello JustaDad,

By virtue of the fact that you have reached out to us tells me that you are a loving dad who truly cares about his son . . . that is what you need to do . . . care and love him. He is still the same guy/boy/man he used to be, he just likes to dress differently. I really believe if you show him you are there for him and are prepared to support him and love him that is all you can do. I am glad he is seeing a therapist but I do hope the therapist is schooled in gender identity as this will help him make sense of any confusion he has. If the therapist wants you to attend to discuss, please do so as this will show support. Take and interest in what he does, how he wishes to present and ask questions as this will show you are truly willing to accept but that you also need his help and guidance.

Most of all love him and continue to do the things you have always done with him. Stopping you normal routine may make him feel as though something is wrong and that you no longer want to engage in "boy things" with him. You are right though, it will be a long and in some cases a hard journey but if you share that load with him, he will grow up to be a wonderful person and that is all we can truly ask of our children.

Hugs

Isha

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Hope this helps somehwat.

I would say treat it like any other issue that arises during childhood, be it girls, first crush, being bullied, playing sports. In using my Dad as an example he was always there for me, mainly in that he "listened." Yes he would provide advice on topics once I would open up to him about bit. It was always in a caring fatherly way. He took time out to go to every football game I ever played from little league to college, but did not become an obsessive "sports parent" arguing with coaches, refferres, other players parents, or even me if I didn't perform up a certain standard. As for the girls in my life he would comment on ones he had concerns about but basically left that up to me to make my own decsions bascially in the area of "out of wedlock birth = poverty for life, avoid at all cost, and you are pro-life so don't even think about the abortion route should you get a girl pregnant."

To help give some guidance in your situation, be there for your son which I know you are. Don't probably expect him to want to talk to you about anything gender related. Mostly because he's entering that age where must boys don't want to have emotional talks with anyone. If does want to talk he will most likely approach you. You can show your silent support maybe by on special occasion's getting him a gift card to somewhere like Target, H&M, Old Navy etc, or asking is there anything he would like you to pick up for him.

I know if I were in your situation I would be giving my fatherly advice as best as possible "son, you do not need to buy that bra from VS, VS is just a name don't get all carried away, you could get 3 bra's from Wal-Mart for the same price."

"No we are not shopping at Nordstrom's too expensive, ok if you get all A's on your report card I'll let you get one dress from that store. On sale of course" "No I am not buying you a Louis Vitton Purse for your birthday, why don't you just ask for an XBOX One if your trying to see how much you can get! Nine West purse perhaps, but not Louis Vitton! "Yes son I have one Venus razor left, didn't we talk about being prepared, always figure the cost of razors in weekly allowance, instead you chose to buy an XBOX card, when you should have bought the pack of razors!

"Jr. all of my mascara is gone!!! What did I say about taking dad's eye shadow without asking??????"

"Son in male mode you know I do not approve of you wearing pants hanging off your rear looking all thugged out!" "You therefore should know if your going out in girl mode you are not going to wear a dress that short causing you to look trashy!"

"Yes I know I'm old fashioned!!" "Even in girl mode you cannot wear a cap/hat in a building, being your still a GM so the no hat in building rule still applies!"

I guess where I'm going with all of this is to not make his cross dressing into a big lifetime changing event between you. Treat no differently from any other area in his and your life, from sports, girls, video games etc.

[saramurphy]

In simplest terms treat him as you normally would be him in jeans and a t-shirts or a dress and tights. For me, it would have been best if there was no different treatment or reaction based on how I was presenting. If he is in a dress he still has to do his chores as if he were not.

...I hope that makes sense...

[Katey888]

JustaDad, this must be really hard for you and to have come to this forum you may well have seen posts that will have horrified you - DON'T PANIC. There is a very broad spectrum of what constitutes crossdressing - if you find counselling useful to help your son understand more what drives this passion of his then I think that will be a good start to really engage with him. Everyone here has offered useful advice - unfortunately, you will have to find your own way with him. From personal experience, I would say he may be mortified that you know this about him; really because you may misunderstand what it means. He needs reassurance to know that you will continue to support and love him, as everyone here has said.

One important thing I would add, is to talk to him about the prejudice he will undoubtedly face in the real world if he decides to be a public CDer. Many of us here have led successful family and career lives ONLY by keeping this activity under wraps. It would be great if we lived in a truly free, utopian world but we don't. It doesn't mean you can't do what you want in the privacy of your own space (or head), but the world doesn't treat anomalous behaviour fairly or reasonably - so please think carefully about what that means to him and your family.
My thoughts are with you - do please come back for more advice if you find it useful. And good luck.
Katey

[Sabrina133]

Wow JustaDad,

There is some great advice here. Just the fact that you are here, asking is huge and shows that you really do love him regardless.

I agree with most answers - I think seeing a therapist is a great step as it will help him understand himself and, hopefully get rid of the guilt he probably feels every time he dresses up. I would also agree that the therapist needs to be one who deals with TG issues. If he knows that you know, i probably wouldn't approach him unless he brings it up. If he comes out dressed, thats another matter. by doing so, he is removing the barrier of privacy and discussing it with him is certainly OK.

finally, i fully agree with the thought that no matter what, he needs to know that while you may be questioning why he does it, you love him regardless.

Would love to hear more on this from you.

Hugs
Bree

[Christy Stevens]

First of all, I'd like to say I'm proud of you for taking the time to ask questions. It shows you haven't given up on your son yet and that you are at least somewhat willing to accept what he is. That means a lot to me, let alone I can't even begin to imagine what that means to your son. Tell him you love him. Tell him that you support him no matter what. He is probably feeling loads of self-questioning right now. He won't have all the answers. Therapy is good but make sure it is his choice. If he feels forced to do it, it may only make things worse. Tell him you are proud of him.

I grew up listening to my step-dad and mom constantly tell me I was a sissy and that I should quit being a girl whenever I would show an emotional side or complain about anything. Please never ever do that or let anyone else.

[Tina B.]

Just a dad, they have all offered some good stuff, but you already figured out the most important parts yourself. Love him/her for the person he is, no matter what the gender issues are. Don't show disappointment that he's not a mans man, never call him a sissy, and don't let others tease him in your presents. he needs just what all kids need, a dad that is in his corner, so when he's got his back to it, he knows he is not alone.
But it sounds like you already knew that.

[TxCassie]

Just a Dad,

What a wonderful Dad you are to reach out for understanding and advise. Just as most of the gals here, be sure you hug him and tell him you love him, always will love him and so very proud of him. Having him see a therapist, in my opinion, is a good thing. Puberty brings on such kaos in a boy's life. Gender, Sexuality, Acceptance, Sports, Academics, Lord, it's enough to make a teen go crazy! At 13, your son may already know then again, he may not, that's where the therapist will do their best work with your son. As with the previous mention, be sure the therapist is skilled in gender issues and does not proceed with "a cure", but understanding and acceptance. At 13, while I don't want to say his dressing is the preverbal "stage" but he could be bridging his worlds and once he experiences another life trigger, he may be off in a new direction. Of course, by 13, most of us gals had years of experimenting with mom or sis' things. I don't know if this is the case, but you can discuss this with the therapist.

The most important thing, is that you always be there for him, and let him know, being a man doesn't mean, you don't wear dresses, it means, you are able to become a person you want to be with strong character and love for those in your life. If he's beginning on a road to transitioning, then, you will be there to love her. At this point, there are many questions, and few answers for you, but that's ok, the answers don't have to come all today or tomorrow. But the love needs to be here today and tomorrow, which it sounds like that's not going to be a problem.

So, the short answer Dad, you may be buying jockstraps and panties for awhile, but you know what, you will be so happy when you see the light in your son eyes and spirit when he feels ok to wear both. The other side is that, you might want to make strict rules about keeping his room nice and neat. No jockstraps or panties on the floor for mom to pick up.

Good Luck Dad, Keep in touch.

Cassie

[Jorja]

Just a Dad,

The best thing you can do for your son is to let him know you love him no matter what. A parents love should be unconditional.

[Laura28]

Dana said it best tell him you love him show him you love. Let him know how proud of him you always have been and always will be. I didn thave a father growing up but my mother was always loving and supportive of us in everything we ever tried or did. We all turned out pretty succesfull and well adjusted. (Ok i feel i am well adjusted even though i like to crossdress lol)

[Erica Marie]

Alot of excellent advice so far.
Here is my .02¢
Be his dad. Dont attempt to change him, but dont ignore him either. Do the things dads do. Play ball, go fishing, any other hobbies you have in common keep doing the same thing. Work with the therapist to see how your son feels about this. It may be a phase, it may be a form of expression. He may be a pefect mannered young man and may always will be, he may have other feelings time will have to tell I guess.
I was never close to my dad and now he is not here anymore. My mom found out about my dressing as a teen, if she ever told my dad I dont know. If she did he never treated me any different and Ill thank him for that.

Also. I want to praise you for coming here and asking for help. It shows you care and are an accepting person.

[I Am Paula]

Do, let him know you love him unconditionally.
Do, explain that what he's doing is OK, but not understood by most. Right now his discretion is important.
Do not try to relate gender (his mind) with sexuality. Assuming he is, or will grow up gay is both wrong, and damaging.
Do not tell him, or think yourself, that this is a phase. It may be, it might not be.
Do not assume he has gender issues. Let him figure it out, but let him know you can always talk.
Do not assume he needs a therapist. It will scare the crap out of him that he thinks you think he is mentally ill. If need be, the time will come.
Do let him express any cross gender behavior. Explain it should stay at home for now.
Do let him know you love him unconditionally.

I have a friend whose young son pretends he is a princess at home, and wears a tiara and gown. He understands that this comes off for school, or outings. His parents have NO IDEA where this is leading, but support him and love him. He will be just fine.

[Cheryl T]

If my dad had found out I would never have made it out of my teens alive.

[Desirae]

I think you're doing exactly what you should be doing. You're here investigating this, learning about it, seeking advice, etc. When I was your son's age, times were different. I'm sure my dad knew. He never said anything about it to me. I'm sure it would have been a cause for embarrassment for him, especially if any of his friends found out he had a CDing son. That's just the way it was, and probably still is for the most part. Sometime in the future, when you're alone with your son, I'd just tell him what many of the other posters have said, that you'll love him no matter what, and let it go at that for a while. Make sure he hears you. Eventually it should click and sink in and he might come to you and tell you. I think that would be better that confronting him with the idea that "you know".