Hi girls,
Yesterday my boyfriend and I where on a visit to a good girlfriend. At one moment she made a command about her new eye shadow and she showed us/me some makeup foto’s. I told her I liked it. At this point my boyfriend said(translated): “I bet you do because your my transgender girl” (with some semi evil smile). At this point a freaked out a bit because I couldn’t handle this. I told him to just go away. He wanted to say something else but I didn’t let him. And told him again: GO AWAY!
Our girlfriend wanted to back him up a bit. But I said he is just making me ridiculous. Then my boyfriend left. After this I had a long and quite emotion conversation with her(she is my best friend).
I told her a lot about my feelings. In the end I even told her that I want to be girl and I am making the first steps in that direction. She noticed that this are very deep feelings for me. In the end she was quite sweet and told me that I will always be the same person for her no matter if I am a boy or a girl.
We also talked a lot about my relation and how I am planning to tell him and if I see a future etc.
At moment this is all very difficult for me even writing this makes my cry. Next week I properly have my first appointment with a professional consular.
I also notice that my steps and reopening of my mind towards my feelings of being girl also reopens my disgusting and horrible feelings of me not being a girl. For such a long time I closed my mind just te be able to handle my appearance and looking as less in the mirror as I can. My the feeling are as heavy as the time I was in puberty again! I feel so desperate and defeated by my male primary and especially my secondary sex-characteristics because it feels so disgusting and like a losing battle at the moment! On the Brightside to night I am doing girls night with my girlfriend these moments help me getting through. I really need a cheering up.
X, Irena