What makes a spouse understandin?

[franlee]

It's hard to conceive that they "understand." Because how many of us understand? I feel that the understanding is exceptance. The willingness to take you for what and who you are. If the spouce loves you and cares for your needs it makes all the understanding begin. Then you have a lifetime to reason it out, if you or they need a reason. Personally I am simply a CD'er and that is reason enough and my wife and the 2 before had no problems with it as long as we kept it within the realm of reason for us. Everyone is different and may have vastly different perimeters. I have to say I never held it against them for wearing male oriented clothes in or out of the house. But I except that is socially more exceptable, but still the same in the fact it is what they wanted to do, same as me. So in short my spouce understands equality and reason with respect for me. The rest is a non-issue if we are going to have a marriage. Life is to short to live with all the drama and rules that don't affect or restrict who we are.

[RADER]

My wife knew from the start that I like to wear woman clothes.
We made some simple rules, do not embarrass her by going out dressed.
I would never pass, and that was not a problem.
I was completely honest with her, and she understood that my dressing was
just something I liked to do.
I never pushed the envelope to far, just dressed once in a while, like on a weekend.
We both loved each other, and she let me have some personal pleasure.
I always was very thankfully for her understanding, and I was always there
for her in every way.
Rader

[LaraPeterson]

Wow, Isha, I wish my sweet wife had that attitude. Melissa, you can't make a spouse understand anything. You can only hope that your relationship, ever how long it has existed, is strong enough to survive all the life situations you'll face, including CDing.

In my case, it's somewhere between DADT, go to hell, and maybe one of these days I'll get used to this. And I'm not sure that's a bad thing on my wife's part. How in the world can a guy in a dress expect a woman to understand all this oftentimes mind-numbing stuff anyway?

[Allison Chaynes]

Some of the things that I believe make my wife accepting have been covered. I'll just say I think for us these things have helped:

a) Even though I hid this from her for a few years, I came clean about it. We don't hide anything from each other and trust each other.
b) She told me she is bisexual. Some will argue that's irrelevant, but I disagree. I KNOW it had an impact on us. When she's "in the mood" she likes Allison time.
c) Her sister is lesbian and is dating a transwoman. She has spent time around them both and that gave her different perspective.
d) We discussed boundaries and how far I think this will go. We established rules and we follow them.
e) I made sure she noticed her "wife" does a lot for her around the house and in other ways

[NicoleScott]

First of all an open mind, unrestrained by archaic and narrow minded dogma. Upbringing contributes to this too, but I suspect some people are hard wired to be more flexible and less judgmental.

Yes, this and everything else Kim said that followed (post #8).
When my first wife found out, we talked and went to counseling. She tried to understand and accept but in the end, she couldn't be married to a CDer.
Although the topic is about accepting spouses, it can be applied to others' acceptance. My father was a good man - smart, fair, responsible, committed to his family, hard worker, generous, etc. etc. When I was caught playing with lipstick at around age 8 or so, he held me down, smearing lipstick on my mouth while verbally humiliating me. Not once did he inquire as to why I did that, or have a calm talk about it. It was just wrong wrong wrong in his eyes. Looking back, I'm surprised that he did not have that "open mind, unrestrained by archaic and narrow minded dogma". But he didn't.
I retreated deep into the closet.

[Jonithan]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but there's something about her. She tends to put others needs before her own. Like she's more open to things. The world doesn't revolve around just her. I'm really fortunate. Though at times we pass like ships in the night, we have a very open communication. We eat dinner(supper) as a family, talk about our day. Sometimes, it's just a post-it note. She accepts me for me, and I in return, open jars for her...

Joni

[Brenda Freeman]

I think my wife is accepting because she loves me and wants to be with me and I feel the same about her. I know if she could choose she would not want me to be a crossdresser but I am. She did not know when we married and I did not think it would evolve in to a major need. We worked it out so we can both be comfortable with it. Love, friendship is a life of sharing caring accomodating or leaving. We are friends for life a team. But if I said I am done CDing she would probably love regaining closet space, at this point but she would probably ask why as she knows it makes me happy. I do not see me stopping so we carry on a couple sharing life together. Accepting one another and all life brings.

[Katie Oxford]

I'd say a number of things - but the primary thing is that it's all stuff within your spouse:
1. Her comfort with her own gender / sexuality
2. Her views of masculinity / femininity / gender roles
3. If she has some gender variance herself, even a bit, and is comfortable with it, that helps quite a bit.
4. Bisexual women seem to deal with this easier
5. Lack of very dogmatic religious views that declare such behavior as a perversion
6. Her ability to forgive your deception

External stuff like how solid the marriage is, and whether or not you told her up front before marriage also matter, but in my opinion, it's mostly her. (Telling her up front is huge, actually.)

This completely nails it, in my opinion. Excellently put, Paula. Of course, the ideal behaviour from us includes not needing to invoke (6) in the first place...

To smear those precisely enumerated qualities into a more general characterisation, it seems to me that a partner that is emotionally fully adult will usually bring to the table few to no difficulties in dealing with a cross-dressing partner; which admittedly leaves a huge variable - at our end of the partnership... If we've worked out how we tick and can communicate that in a relationship to our emotionally literate partner, then things ought to be set fair for a happy time.

[Tina_gm]

Understanding, or is accepting a better word? One of the main reasons why I am a member here is because my wife does struggle with this. She is struggling to accept. She really is trying to, and has come by her words, farther than she even thought she would. Still, she has a hard time of it all. What I think is keeping her with me is how diligent I am to make sure she comes 1st. I am human, so there have been a few mistakes along this past year, but generally, she sees that she comes 1st and that I do not try to push the agreements. She has told me that if my CDing becomes more important to me than she is, that will be what makes her walk. But I suppose that is the same for anything. I do think there is less of a threshold when it comes to CDing though.

[gatorgirl]

I accept because I love him and want him to be happy. I want him to finally be rid of the guilt and shame that he must have endured through out his life. We have grown closer, but it isn't always easy. I just want him to feel loved, all of him.

[PaulaQ]

To smear those precisely enumerated qualities into a more general characterisation, it seems to me that a partner that is emotionally fully adult will usually bring to the table few to no difficulties in dealing with a cross-dressing partner;

I'm sorry, but I can't agree with this, as it is pretty pejorative towards many partners. Your partner mostly can't help how their emotional makeup is composed any more than the CDer can. It is what it is. My wife felt horrible guilt that she wasn't able to accept me. But I've never blamed her - she is who she is.

[Tina_gm]

I agree with you Paula. It is more than simply being a full adult that leads to understanding or acceptance. There are so many factors and so many variables on both the partner and the CDer. My wife actually has no ill feeling toward any one person who identifies as trans. She doesn't think they are sick, or gross, perverted etc etc. She does have difficulties of being married to one though. Hetero women are going to generally have difficulties with being with a person who is in the TG spectrum. Some may have more difficulties than others due to those variables and factors.

Obviously any accepting person will need to be open minded. But even then, just being open minded in general is not enough. I am of the opinion that the extent of someone who is in the TG spectrum is of significance. A casual non frequent CDer is easier to accept than a person who is or will undergo transition. Of those who fall on the CD side how they deal with it, what their own expectations are, how patient they are, compromises they may be willing to make, it all plays a big part.

knowledge early on is of tremendous value as a partner will be able to grow into the entire person, and not be shocked months or years later by a revelation. Falling in love with someone and then later on learning that they are not who you thought they were is so terribly difficult. Regardless of what that difference is, that is such a huge barrier to overcome. And when it is CDing, which is such a society taboo, all the more difficult still.

[Suzanne F]

My wife has been very accepting. Recently we had some bumps that I shared about. My wife and I have been married 12 years with both of us having been married before. I think it was important to both of us that we were open minded. We shared liberal social views on sexuality for example. Although this has been difficult my wife was naturally empathetic to my situation.

I also want to say that it is easy to judge other relationships. Many people have said they would be so glad to have an SO as accepting as mine. And I am so grateful! However that does not mean it is easy to work it out. I wish just going out occasionally worked for me. I constantly feel the desire to be a woman. Yet I desperately want to take care of my wife and son. These things are hard to reconcile and I am ding my best. My wife knows that and that means everything to me!
Suzanne

[PaulaQ]

I also want to say that it is easy to judge other relationships. Many people have said they would be so glad to have an SO as accepting as mine. And I am so grateful! However that does not mean it is easy to work it out.

On the opposite side of the coin, just because your spouse doesn't accept your CDing, it doesn't mean people should judge "oh wow, sorry, your marriage must've really sucked!" (This seems to be a somewhat popular judgment here at times.)

[Marleena]

There are also women who can never be understanding for whatever reason. We cannot expect them or force them to accept it. I don't think many women were raised to know that they might up end up with a transgendered spouse. It can't be easy for them either.

Many are fine with us (accepting) but wouldn't want the complications that come with being in a relationship or marriage with us. Sometimes we have to step back and look at it objectively.

Oh... I see this was already mentioned anyways..

[Katie Oxford]

I'm sorry, but I can't agree with this, as it is pretty pejorative towards many partners. Your partner mostly can't help how their emotional makeup is composed any more than the CDer can. It is what it is. My wife felt horrible guilt that she wasn't able to accept me. But I've never blamed her - she is who she is.

Hmm. I inadvertently left out something rather important from that sentence - "in dealing with a cross-dressing partner that treats their needs with careful respect." A CDer that conceals it for years (for example) is bringing trust issues to the table themselves, and a partner that struggles at that point is very reasonable. But when a CDer is upfront about who they are and how they work (and sticks to that), and the two partners agree at the outset parameters that are generous in spirit - then almost by definition any problems that turn up with it later come from the partner not being emotionally fully adult about it.

For me, your list enumerated the particular ways in which a lack of full emotional development can make it hard to accept a CDing partner. Is that an unreasonable conclusion? I very much do appreciate how hard it is for most partners to deal with it - after all, who among us of any gender or background can honestly hold up their hand and say that they are "emotionally fully adult"? We all work at it, but nobody ever completely gets there.