Just say your gay?

[PaulaQ]

But it begs the question about what gay is to a transsexual. Is a M2F transsexual gay if they like women...or men?

M2F Trans + GG or M2F Trans = Lesbian
M2F Trans + GM or F2M Trans = Straight
F2M Trans + GM or F2M Trans = Gay
F2M Trans + GM or M2F Trans = Straight

There are more exotic possibilities. Personally, I don't think the labels make a ton o' sense, but many really do identify with them.

[Michelle789]

M2F Trans + (GG or M2F Trans or GM or FTM Trans) = bi
F2M Trans + (GG or M2F Trans or GM or FTM Trans) = bi

[Adriana Moretti]

anyone who responds to what we do with that question obviously does not know alot about our lifestyle....its not your fault...dont feel bad...educate them a bit

[Talisker]

My opinion is that straight people have no problem recognizing gender variance in gay men when they have opportunity to observe it (and stereotype this behavior quite a bit), but DO NOT tend to recognize it at all in straight men. So if you show some gender variance, you get lumped in with gay men.

I've tried to talk to some of my straight friends about gender variant straight men. They didn't get it - they just went to "they must be gay." I gave up after a while, it was more frustrating than trying to teach a dog how to do a card trick...

Exactly. They dont get it and in their mind most of the public think all CDs are gay. So if you tell them what they want to hear no more Qs, next topic of conversation, otherwise you get stuck trying to explain this and at the end im still not sure they get it. As seen on other posts many CDs do like being attractive to men, less on this site than others, but still its not difficult to see why joe public thinks CDs are gay.

Regarding those indicating dont say something your not. I understand that but the fact that we are cross dressing for many is already pretending and dont think much of the labels anyway. So if someone wants to stick a wrong label on me, whatever.

Kaylee - That 99.999% number you gave seems made up to support your point. Seems in conflict with all other numbers i have seen and personal experience. Just look at the responses to this post. Lots of gays, not all, but certainly more than 0.001% act feminine in some way.

[oliviall]

When people assume I am Gay, I don't answer the question, just like I don't answer questions about what's underneath

At my first conference, Keystone in PA last year, I was in the hotel bar and a young gay man approached me. He said "I know all about the G, the L, and the B, but nothing about the T.", and then something to the effect of "Educate Me", but I don't remember the exact words that followed.

Allot of this was new to me at the time, but I did the best I could to represent us, talked about some of the diversity within the group, etc. When I mentioned my divorce, he asked, "Did she leave when she found out you were gay?" Thinking on my feet, I came up with my favorite response to this sort of thing:

"Gender identity and sexual orientation are independent variables." (yes, always been a bit of a geek)

So that's how I answer that question.

Now, when a drag queen* tells me "I bet you'd look cute as a boy", which I've had happen a couple of times... I know the same question is being asked. I just laugh it off and divert the topic. I laugh allot of stuff off though, its just my nature.

* -- Just to be clear, when I use the term "drag queen" here, its not meant to be disparaging in anyway, I'm referring to a (as far as I know) gay male performer who impersonates a female when performing but (again as far as I know) identifies as a gay male and not female in any way outside of performance. Phew! Not sure why I felt the need to explain that but it's past my bedtime

[PaulaQ]

Exactly. They dont get it and in their mind most of the public think all CDs are gay. So if you tell them what they want to hear no more Qs, next topic of conversation, otherwise you get stuck trying to explain this and at the end im still not sure they get it.

I find the following blunt statement generally gets the idea across: "I have sex with women, not men." If they ask further questions, reiterate this.

You can also answer "That is none of your business, how rude!"

No matter how frustrating it is to answer, giving in to stupidity is the wrong approach, in my opinion.

[Beth Wilde]

Your stereotypical views of gay men is completely asinine. Don't you understand why gay men like other men? Gay men like men because they are men. 99.999% of all gay men want absolutely nothing to do with femininity, they just simply like men.

Speaking as a member of the gay 0.001% (don't I feel special ), I can assure you that gay men like other men for a vast number of reasons, much the same as straight men like women for a variety of reasons. My partner and I are both CDs and find each other very attractive however we present ourselves. Outside of our CD'ing, nobody would believe we were gay men..... I've been asked to "prove it" on numerous occasions and even been told "no you aren't" once....... ???

[Sonia_cd]

My response might sound diplomatic and non-committal but will say in any way. While I see merit in being true to oneself and using the opportunity to engage in a meaningful and perhaps educative conversation with the person asking the question; I also see the magnitude of the challenge that can pose for non-confrontational people. Granted the situation isn't non-confrontational, but that assessment is based on one's own perception of what is and isn't non-confrontational, isn't it? There is merit in asking, "why do you ask?" or "how does it matter?"; but either will lead to a discussion, which in the mind of a non-confrontational CD/TG is territory best avoided.

Being true and honest to oneself is also accepting the non-confrontational nature of one's personality and this will most likely lead to conflict in many situations. Must I put myself out of one comfort zone to remain true to another aspect of me? At the moment one is asked the question, one's thoughts aren't going to focus on "how do I not do a disservice to the LGB community?"/ "how do I be honest with myself and yet not get into a protracted discussion with a person who may or may not understand?". My point is simple: every response is based on the individual placed in that situation and his/her character, which may be extremely pragmatic or wildly activist or fiercely sassy. To expect or demand a single standard from every person is to ignore their baggage, their fears and insecurities as well as their reservations and apprehensions.

So no, I don't think saying "yes" is the best response; yet I also don't think saying "yes" makes a person guilty of hypocrisy especially when that person seeks to avoid a confrontation/discussion/debate.

Let me give you a personal example, I am asexual. Do you think I take every opportunity to say that out loud or engage every person in an orientation session on asexuality? Bottom line; a situational response depends on the character and frame of mind of the person. It is ok to state that you might respond differently and full marks to you; but to tear into someone for their response would be excessive. I will probably get pounced on and pilloried myself for saying this but, if Talisker feels saying "yes, i'm gay" or just simply "no, i'm not" would end an unwanted interaction then let her. She is the one in the situation. She is the one that has to sleep at night. She is the one that is best placed to assess the motives/intent behind the question. If we are all in various stages of acceptance and equally in different states of confusion then finding peace in and for that moment is all that matters; not some larger goal of awareness and education.

Cheers!
Sonia

[Saikotsu]

You raise a good point Sonia. While I still stand by my earlier response, I can understand the appeal of what you're saying.

[Zylia]

Heaven forbid you're actually a gay cross-dresser. Better tell people you're straight, otherwise you're doing the cross-dressing AND the gay 'community' a disservice.

[Genneva Lynn]

Told a SA that was looking down her nose at me one time, that if I didn't love my wife I would be the biggist Lesbian in the world.

[NicoleScott]

Obviously one of the problems hetero CDers have is the perception we are gay. A problem with attracting women as they would not want to have a gay man and always fear losing him to another guy.

I agree. Recall all the posts from CDers who came out to their SO's. What was the first question asked? "Are you gay?"

[Beverley Sims]

Zylia,
I agree, that's terrible.
Kaylee has a point in post #42.
A similar thing applies to CD's.
They wear womens clothes because they are womens clothes.
They don't want frilly undies designed for men, nor do they want mens skorts, skirts or kilts for that matter.
Stop upsetting the poor gay guy, he doesn't want a man in a dress for gods sake.

[JulianneXD]

Just be open about what you are and accept others for what they are. We all like what we like and being different from the norm should make us tolerant of others who are different.

Gay,bi,CD,tg, are just labels. They never describe who or what we really are. We're all unique and that label just describes such a superficial aspect of who was really are.

We CD's and TGs have one important thing in common with gays. The civil rights issue. Sexual preference may no be related to gender identity, but the fact that we're being discriminated against by the same people is for me proof that the civil rights battles we're both facing are virtually one and the same.

[Jennifer Devine]

Its kind of Vice Versa with me.
When I am me I am attracted to women but when I am Jennifer, I find myself attracted to men so I guess you can say I am Bi :-)

[Jorja]

Before SRS, when asked if I was gay, I would answer no, I am Taurus. However, I am bisexual and sorry to disappoint you, you are not my type.

[XemmaX]

why would i if im not.

[erindemia]

Hear hear

[Gigi]

why would you go through the effort to come out in public and be "who you are" and then turn around and lie about yourself (just to save the trouble of answering -- no)? That seems silly to me.

I like what Olivia said "Gender identity and sexual orientation are independent variables."

[Lygophilia]

Indifferent about their response. It's said, because gays usually are more bolder to challenge social norms, which is the result of being called that should you do the same. Sexuality labels are there due to the futile rationalization of it's complexity.

[gautier_nikolai]

I am gay but i realise it is a hassle sometimes to keep explaining things to people who haven't had experience with TG issues and CDers in particular.And i realise most CDers are hetero.

However, if you have the time and patience and confidence i would say answer their questions for a while if you are willing to try educate people and then politely excuse yourself if they have too many!!

Although with more TG people opening up and being brave and paticipating on documentaries that can only be a good, enlightening thing for the public at large,However, still i think most of them are on the TS side of the TG spectrum.

I saw a pogram about a CDer out shopping with his wife in the sticks at a supermarket who was heckled with taunts by some young mums pushing prams and when he stopped to talk to them rationally they could at least see that he is a human with feelings and not some robot even if they couldn't totally understand his feelings and motives.