Realizing I might have GD as a result of treating ADHD and/or mindfulness training...

[Abigail Flame]

I am 44 and last year I was diagnosed with adult adhd. I had struggled my whole life with attention and focus issues but I am pretty smart, I test well and had built a lifetime of organization "systems" and habits that made me look as if I was a reasonably functioning adult but then kids happened and all my systems, especially for dealing with my job, fell apart. I was pretty much fired (gently put as "postion eliminated".) I fell into a slight depression and started having lots of anxiety about the possibility of going back to work. So I looked for help and after a whole bunch of therapy and testing was diagnosed ADHD. Specifically the inattentive variety. Suddenly so much about myself and my history made so much sense especially after I stripped away the stories and lies I told myself. The dropped projects, the failed relationships, the 50 hobbies I had, the weird arguments I would get into sometimes with friends and family were all seen with a different lens.

So in learning about that and how to treat it I also started meditating and doing mindfulness training. As I started to really get a handle on what my thoughts were when the noise was gone I started to see some of the emotions tied to them and I started to really feel that there was something else really off. At the time I had no idea what it was but I was feeling something deep down, something I felt was repressed and couldn't quite get a handle on.

At the same time all this was going on I also started to explore crossdressing. I had considered myself a rubber fetishist but looking back on it, it never really mattered if it was latex, I just liked tight and shiny clothing or pretty much anything sensual and I'd been dressing like that for sexual pleasure since puberty. (My mom was a dance teacher so there was always of box of interesting stuff that I could sneak off and wear) Crossdressing was a whole new thing even though I had been wearing latex in femme (corsets, thighhigh boots, fake boobs) for awhile now. I just got it into my head one day that I wanted to wear a dress and so I borrowed one of my wife's and never looked back. All of the sudden a lot of my desire for fetish dress was gone and all I wanted to do was crossdress and be seen as a women.

There was one day in particular (it was my 2nd or 3rd time to get fully done up, hair, makeup etc) where I was halfway through putting on my makeup where a calm came over me and I felt something very similar to what I feel when I meditate. Like the rabbits in my head stopped and I realized I wasn't sexual excited, I was just happy. That stopped me in my tracks and I heard this voice in my head that said..."ohh, right, this was it"

I won't go into detail about all the other thoughts - "like I am too old for this," or "why didn't I know this as a child" but I have since started talking to a therapist that specializes in gender issues and I am excited, anxious and nervous about where this might go. My own theory is that ADHD, combined with growing up in the deep south, also combined with a general attitude of "never rock the boat" and a desire to always please my family kept me from experiencing any kind of gender issues. I just always felt that I was not quite a man. It just never occurred to me before now, that it was because I wanted to be more woman.

Sorry if this is disjointed or rambling but I really want to hear what people's thoughts were and to know if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I have a friend that had a a pretty unbelievable "realization"...she continually tried new sexual things and one day a woman "dressed" her, and she said something flipped...and that all of sudden she had a flood of memories of dressing that she had totally blocked out!!

LOL... she has had a very smooth and rewarding transition...unfortunately she did get divorced and their son is not talking to dad right now...but she knows she had to do this... 5 years ago she thought no such thing!!!


That being said, you should know that many many crossdressers enjoy the feeling you've shared as well.. also some transsexuals have had sexual pleasure from "Dressing", and the rest don't...so that's irrelevant to who you are....

,...I' am happy you are going to a therapist ...its a great chance to express yourself and learn about how many different types of people there are out there... if you are lucky, you are not transsexual...hehe...

[Gypsy Sam]

Diagnosed with ADD in 97 after 45 years of "scatter brain' perception by teachers and supervisors. Treated with amphetamines gave some control over organization and behavior. Anxiety was the other factor that drove low self esteem, and severe bouts of depression. Cross dressing was formulated in pubescence and re-emerged in my late 20's. My 30's&40's were the occasional occurrence that evolved from fetish desire. During my 50's-early 60's the fetish desire increased progressively. Do believe that ADD and the desire to cross dress are apples and oranges and not related. Gender males have a spectrum that defines the desire to Trans Gender. While yours centers on the desire to live as a female, mine is engulfed in fetishism. The dual serpent of ADD and depression have led to taking medication for both.

[mikiSJ]

My own theory is that ADHD, combined with growing up in the deep south, also combined with a general attitude of "never rock the boat" and a desire to always please my family kept me from experiencing any kind of gender issues.

Possibly, but I would not include ADHD in your list. I hid from much during my life and only recently have decided it was going to be my time.

Abigail, I am in San Jose and if you would like to meet for coffee and chat, let me know. I was "retired" in 2012 so I have few daily commitments.

[Abigail Flame]

I didn't mean to imply ADHD as cause for GD but more that it was masking it. When I looked back and realized how inattentive to other people's emotions I was (this came up in therapy a bit) and that I was also being inattentive to my true feelings and emotions. To some extent that served me well for managing potential emotional pain and rejection so I never fought it. I feel like its this new found ability to focus that has led me to realize what was going on inside myself.

Kaitlyn - it was a little like a light switch flip and I did have a flood of memories that came back to me. Not so much that I forgotten them but more that I forgotten the narrative of "this makes me feel like a girl/woman." That narrative was reworked into "oh this is just my kink and that's sort of okay for a boy/man to have so I'll keep to this story."

Miki I would love to meet and talk sometime.

[Starling]

Your story sounds so familiar, Abigail, as does Kaitlyn's account of her friend's "realization". I lived a life of self-doubt, confusion and guilt over (what I thought was) fetishistic cross-dressing. Then one day a woman friend dressed me in in her clothes for an event, complete with a decent wig and makeup--something I had never really done before. When I saw myself in the mirror, my life came into focus. It was as if the integrated persona I had been seeking within myself was suddenly staring me in the face. I was absolutely stunned.

It was a true epiphany, which both clarified and complicated my life; from then on, it was no longer simply a matter of keeping a shameful secret from being exposed, and became instead a quest for everyone to know the real me. That, as we all know, is a much more delicate endeavor, and so far it has cost me and my SO much pain. I'm not full-time as a woman now, and may never be, but after many years of self-disgust I have at least learned to respect and love myself.

The best of luck to you!

Lallie

[Aprilrain]

I doubt ADHD would have an effect on GD one way or the other. I'd be careful with coming up with theory's as to why you didn't have GD earlier in life.

The fact is you may have and you just don't recall it or maybe you didn't and it took this long to become a problem for you or maybe you're just experiencing pink fog. I don't know and it's not for me to say but I would just hold off on theory's.

When you see your therapist just be as honest with yourself and her (or him) as possible. You do not need to have "known since I was 3" or to "hate my penis" to be TS. Some people feel that way but not all of us and probably not most of us.

[LeaP]

I agree that theorizing doesn't help - but I only reached that realization after putting in years of effort into obsessed self-analysis in an attempt to explain and justify myself. This was despite many here telling me again and again that it would yield very little. They were right.

Recovered memories are interesting things. They can be triggered as well as arising spontaneously. One triggered by a question in therapy was the experience of being sat down in the back yard by my father to get my bi-weekly buzz cut - and begging him to let my hair grow. I always retained a basic memory of that. What I had forgotten was that I was the only one of the 3 boys to have this hair cut, and that I had a specific length in mind. "Shoulder length," as I replied instantly to my therapist's question. And this was pre-school, roughly 1959. That led, in turn, to remembering that the first time my parents dragged me to a psychiatrist was pre-adolescence - I remembered the visit but had forgotten the time frame. And now I'm thinking of asking my sisters (who are older) what, if anything, they know.

[Abigail Flame]

Lea - I had a similar hair experience - my step dad (who was actually a great guy) was always threatening to take me to a barber and give me a buzz cut. I was terrified he would follow through with it. This was 78 so my longish hair wasn't such a big deal but I can imagine in 59 the idea of a boy having anything but a buzz cut must have been scandalous.

I am getting the idea from you ladies that there are some rabbit holes not worth pursuing. ;-)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yep... don't pursue it.... don't worry, it will pursue you