I am 44 and last year I was diagnosed with adult adhd. I had struggled my whole life with attention and focus issues but I am pretty smart, I test well and had built a lifetime of organization "systems" and habits that made me look as if I was a reasonably functioning adult but then kids happened and all my systems, especially for dealing with my job, fell apart. I was pretty much fired (gently put as "postion eliminated".) I fell into a slight depression and started having lots of anxiety about the possibility of going back to work. So I looked for help and after a whole bunch of therapy and testing was diagnosed ADHD. Specifically the inattentive variety. Suddenly so much about myself and my history made so much sense especially after I stripped away the stories and lies I told myself. The dropped projects, the failed relationships, the 50 hobbies I had, the weird arguments I would get into sometimes with friends and family were all seen with a different lens.
So in learning about that and how to treat it I also started meditating and doing mindfulness training. As I started to really get a handle on what my thoughts were when the noise was gone I started to see some of the emotions tied to them and I started to really feel that there was something else really off. At the time I had no idea what it was but I was feeling something deep down, something I felt was repressed and couldn't quite get a handle on.
At the same time all this was going on I also started to explore crossdressing. I had considered myself a rubber fetishist but looking back on it, it never really mattered if it was latex, I just liked tight and shiny clothing or pretty much anything sensual and I'd been dressing like that for sexual pleasure since puberty. (My mom was a dance teacher so there was always of box of interesting stuff that I could sneak off and wear) Crossdressing was a whole new thing even though I had been wearing latex in femme (corsets, thighhigh boots, fake boobs) for awhile now. I just got it into my head one day that I wanted to wear a dress and so I borrowed one of my wife's and never looked back. All of the sudden a lot of my desire for fetish dress was gone and all I wanted to do was crossdress and be seen as a women.
There was one day in particular (it was my 2nd or 3rd time to get fully done up, hair, makeup etc) where I was halfway through putting on my makeup where a calm came over me and I felt something very similar to what I feel when I meditate. Like the rabbits in my head stopped and I realized I wasn't sexual excited, I was just happy. That stopped me in my tracks and I heard this voice in my head that said..."ohh, right, this was it"
I won't go into detail about all the other thoughts - "like I am too old for this," or "why didn't I know this as a child" but I have since started talking to a therapist that specializes in gender issues and I am excited, anxious and nervous about where this might go. My own theory is that ADHD, combined with growing up in the deep south, also combined with a general attitude of "never rock the boat" and a desire to always please my family kept me from experiencing any kind of gender issues. I just always felt that I was not quite a man. It just never occurred to me before now, that it was because I wanted to be more woman.
Sorry if this is disjointed or rambling but I really want to hear what people's thoughts were and to know if anyone else has experienced anything similar.