Look at our hobby from the other side

[Ellie52]

Recently we are having some fairly heavy discussions on what it is to be a CD. I thought it might be good to see if we can put "our hobby" into perspective.
For those complaining their SO doesnt understand them, have you actually tried to look at our hobby from their point of view, especially if you werent upfront at an early point in your relationship.
Imagine what it must be like for a wife to have the police knock on your door and arrest your husband for paedophile charges or being a suspected serial killer or terrorist. Now Im not trying to say we fall into this category but its an example of how a wifes life could fall apart. What we do (our hobby) wouldnt be classed as normal behaviour in our society (If it was we wouldnt need the forums) so lets just take a step back and look at it from Her point of view.
Her life was nice and stable and everything running smoothly, the kids were happy in school and Jeffrey and Joanna next door had invited us to dinner on Saturday. Then your husband decides to tell you he wants to wear a dress and go and meet some girls who are really guys in a 'special safe' club in the city. Kerpow shes in shock and has no reference on how to handle this. The first emotion is obvious ,ANGER, the first question is WHY what has she done to deserve this. Its not like he's just decided to take up knitting instead of woodwork. He wants to wear a dress.
If we take a step back can we see it from her point of view? Where is this unknown thing going to take them. Will Jeffrey and Joanna still talk to them if they found out, what will happen to the kids at school? Will we have to move? Are the kids in the street going to deface our house or ridicule us when we go out. Are the police going to come knocking? Will the neighbors think Steve is Gay?
Women look at it from the practical (family) point of view, where we just look at it as a selfish manly point of view. I need this so Ill do it whatever the cost.
If you are truly a crossdresser not wanting to transition can you truly forgive your wife and understand her worry about the future of hers and your life together. If you had gone off and had an affair with another woman she would have a reference point for that but this is so unusual she has no notion of how to handle it. Please be careful and understanding and if Jeffery and Joanne ask you over for dinner, please dont put on your favorite taffeta dress with those slingbacks you just had to have, even if the girls/guys tell you that you look gorgeous.....Ellie

[Lynn Marie]

Well done Ellie. Thanks for the insight.

[Kate Simmons]

Basically you are saying it's not all about us and I wholeheartedly agree. We always have to make the decision of what is more important to us. I will defer to family every time as long as there is a good relationship.

[AnnieMac]

Ellie, I love how you always get right to the point, that is dead on right, and a very realistic, and in the long run, healthy way of looking at our dress wearing. Healthy for the well being of your family, and others around you. This is indeed quite a bite more than just a "hobby"

[mykell]

those very scenarios were always forefront for me,
after losing friendships all my life over suspected CDing without confirmation by myself,
(had police to my home as adolescent from step-mom)= rumors !!!
people have neighbor whos a cop (or they know one and "somehow?" get info) some assume if you do this you must have another deviant behavior,
so their will always be a question of how much she'll be able to handle, a week, a month, a year, love life problems, social anxieties,
once the box is open it can never be closed up....

[laciewhite]

ellie you are so on the money..this is what has kept me from telling my SO all these years. if i could change anything i would've told her right at the start of our relationship before things got serious but i was so terrified of anyone knowing back then and i thought the love of a good woman would 'cure' me anyway. but the woman within always keeps creeping back. and its true that having an affair with another woman would probably be easier to admit to...at least that's sort of 'normal' male behaviour! i really do wish i could tell her and i hate keeping this secret from her but i just couldn't bare it if my CDing hurt her in anyway. she doesn't deserve the burden of dealing with me and my selfish 'hobby'.

[Rachael Leigh]

Ellie you are so right my wife reminds me about how different this is a lot. Like who can I tell to help me try and understand who can I discuss this with and say hay my husband likes to wear dresses.
Yeah I understand it's not easy being married to me.
Still though it's not easy being me either

[Beverley Sims]

Elle,
It can be quite abhorrent.
Even our own lack of acceptance if our wives wished to dress.
It is a bit one sided sometimes.

[AKADonna]

Spot on, Ellie! Having balance in one's life between things and people that are important to you is a very good thing! While we are thinking about out feminine side, we really need to be aware of the Other Side!

[kelliboots]

I would change the word "hobby" to lifestyle because we really have no choice in this. I agree with you on everything else, she the wife or SO has a very important perspective on how we move forward in our journey.

[mistyeyes]

I'm sorry but I have a problem with this perspective. Yes our needs to dress (to me the word hobby is an insult as it implies you could stop anytime) come from deep within. Yes it is a burden for your wife to bear. But is it not more important to have a husband that is truthful and honest with you. Not being open to your spouse builds emotional barriers in your relationship. What if not dressing causes you to be distant, grumpy, emotionally detached. For me and I'm sure others it even started causing health problems from the anxiety of wanting to dress. We should always try and look at things from both sides but this is not like buying a expensive tool that might cause a problem with the family budget. When I finally told my wife I can honestly say I have never felt closer to her. Does she like that her husband has this need? Of course not, but when you love someone you love all of them. There are somethings about my wife that I don't care for but they don't make me stop loving her. As she said "I would rather you dress up like a woman and be in the here and now than sullen and detached."

[Teresa]

Hi Ellie, This was also my answer to a similar thread, if it was just a hobby I wouldn't be doing it, hobbies don't cause what most of have been through!

[Stephanie47]

Years ago I heard or read a comment concerning marital infidelity. A woman discovered her husband was having an affair. It was not an affair with another woman. He was having an affair with another man. It became obvious and confirmed that he was a gay man and was hiding it by playing the heterosexual male role society deemed necessary. The woman said "If he was having an affair with another woman......But, how can I compete with another man?"

I realize cross dressing is a "hobby/lifestyle/predispostion/whatever." Sure, the woman should have been given the knowledge so she could have made an educated or at least knowledgeable decision at to whether she wanted to enter an unknown world. Further, I really would not fault the woman for changing her mind. Love is blind. Through in the unknown and she could probably claim she really did not know what she was getting into.

I decided decades ago that I was who I am. I also decided I was seeking self acceptance by begging subconsciously that my wife accept cross dressing. After all, if the woman who you decided to love and cleave to accepts you, then cross dressing must pass societal norms. Now I fully accept my wife's non acceptance of cross dressing. I know in other areas of sexuality in society she has gone from some serious reservation concerning gay and lesbian lifestyles to full acceptance. Why? Pure conjecture on my part, but, she has friends and professional relationships with women who are lesbians. And, those women are just like her with the exception of the gender they sleep with. I think she has come to realize that my closet is my closet, and, in any other facet of life I am still the guy she married before we BOTH realized I was to become a cross dressing husband.

Would I like her to be a participant in my cross dressing? Only if she was truly comfortable with cross dressing. To force a wife to accept cross dressing against her will is nothing short of spousal mental abuse.

[Gillian Gigs]

Let's not get hung up in semantics, the thoughts are meant to get us thinking about the other side of the "coin". What is her thinking, and why she might be thinking it. As the native expression goes, "never judge another until you have walked a mile in their moccasins". Yea, you may have walked around in her heels, but that doesn't necessarily mean you understand where she is coming from! One of the things I believe alot of women are looking for is security, this security can get turned on its head when issues come at them. For many women, seeing their husband in a dress is turning security on its head. Helping them get back into a feeling of security helps go a long way when dealing with any issues.

[Lorileah]

Two points. Yes you should look at it from her side but you missed the main thing she will feel...betrayed. You kept something from her. You either do not trust her enough to share or you are selfish in thinking she cannot handle it. Either way you violated her trust.

Which brings up point #2, you compare crossdressing with three (and later others were added) illegal and immoral activities. When TGs cannot reconcile the act with anything except bad things, how can you expect those on the outside to have any different perspective.


So how do you get your SO to look at it from the other side? Step one be PROactive. Don't slip and slither around doing things behind her back. Look at it from HER side, you are being deceitful. So talk to her BEFORE she finds out from another source. Also be HONEST. Don't hide things and don't lie about what you do. Don't make up stories about where the clothes came from. Look at it from the other side....how would you like it if she did that to you?

But for now, try and think of something you can compare crossdressing too that isn't illegal or immoral....think hard

[Tina_gm]

Great response Gillian. I have been thinking lately about the security aspect of it. How to help my wife feel more secure. I also like the thoughts from others, that there is so little of a basis for which women can help themselves with. Even if they do vent and talk about this with their friends, their friends cannot help them other than to merely listen. Of course women do vent and listen differently than men do, but still, so little can be truly offered in the way of advice from their friends. Another thing to think about as well.... for many of us, our CDing is not a constant. I do not have the same amount of desire. And, there is the masculine part of me that she is attracted to. And it is sort of a now you see it now you don't kinda thing. And, I suppose, every time it is not seen, there may be an underlying insecurity that it won't come back.

There are so many of us that express calmness and peacefulness while dressed or having had some good opportunity to. No doubt, our S/O's see this as well. What they may not fully understand is that part of the reason for that feeling is that many of us do not dress as often as we would like, so even though we may be more masculine than feminine inside, our feminine side is still likely not getting the amount of time it wants, so when we do get the time, we get a greater feeling of calm and peace. It can make it appear that we always want or live within our feminine side.

[Marcelle]

Hi Ellie,

Great threat and very true. It is easy to loose one's way in the pink fog and leave your SO wondering what is going on. For my wife and I we spend at least one hour a week talking all things CD, sometimes she prefers to speak to "boy me" and other "Isha" as it depends on what she wants to talk about. The key thing to remember is communication once your SO knows. Is it confusing . . . of that I have no doubt but education and understanding is the surest way through confusion. If you simply dress and go about your "femme time" without discussing it, your SO is more than likely to be left wondering where all this is leading. So while it is important to think about it from the other side, merely thinking about it won't resolve it . . . communicate and educate. Will this make it easier for your SO . . . perhaps but then again there are no guarantees.

Hugs

Isha

I don't agree this is a hobby as I do not have a choice I do it because I have to. I used to collect stamps when I was young but got bored and now have a plastic tote full of stamps. A person might be able to give up CDing for a time, purge but they end up back where they started eventually. I like the term lifestyl

[Ellie52]

Wow, I didnt expect some of those replies. It is very encouraging to see people looking from the other side. My apologies to anyone if I upset you with the term 'hobby' instead of lifestyle. I truly believe what I do is a hobby as I only enjoy it for short periods of time before getting bored.
Also, using terrible crimes like pedophiles and serial killers to illustrate a point may have been tactless and I apologize for that too.
Tonight I am having dress up time as Ellie but I know Ill be bored after 2-3 hours and by 10.00pm Ill be in the shower. Its not that Im hiding, my wife will be downstairs and my son is out so I could stay like that all night if I wished but my brain tells me its had enough. And before you think its sexual, it certainly isnt (used to be many years ago but not anymore). Maybe for me its a drug and once Ive had my fix I am okay for another couple of weeks.
I am so lucky as I can sit around in my silk sarong and nobody cares. This is a lovely skirt and I wear that for hours but when fully dressing up I get bored....Thks for all the replies....Ellie

[docrobbysherry]

Calling "it" a hobby or lifestyle misses the point. It's a COMPULSION! For whatever reason we do it, we can't easily stop! And, we ALL have that same issue. So, we either learn to live with dressing or to hide it.

Neither choice being ideal for obvious reasons. Realizing how our family, friends, and the vanillas that see us out, MAY think of us should help mitigate the PINK FOG we breath on this site.

[Ellie52]

I'm sorry but I have a problem with this perspective. Yes our needs to dress (to me the word hobby is an insult as it implies you could stop anytime) come from deep within. Yes it is a burden for your wife to bear. But is it not more important to have a husband that is truthful and honest with you. Not being open to your spouse builds emotional barriers in your relationship. What if not dressing causes you to be distant, grumpy, emotionally detached. For me and I'm sure others it even started causing health problems from the anxiety of wanting to dress. We should always try and look at things from both sides but this is not like buying a expensive tool that might cause a problem with the family budget. When I finally told my wife I can honestly say I have never felt closer to her. Does she like that her husband has this need? Of course not, but when you love someone you love all of them. There are somethings about my wife that I don't care for but they don't make me stop loving her. As she said "I would rather you dress up like a woman and be in the here and now than sullen and detached."

Please forget the word 'hobby' that is just how I see it.
Everything else is 100% true and I agree with everything in this post.
What I was trying to say (Im not very well educated) is that we tend to see our lifestyle with rose tinted glasses. Other people MAY not see it this way especially your SO. Take a step back and look at it from her point of view. How would you feel if your SO came home and said she had a lover and it was another girl. Would you feel betrayed? Would it be different is she was unfaithful with another guy?
Our lifestyle can have very adverse reactions on our relationships and our loved ones should be aware of the problems that may arise. Imagine how betrayed your SO would feel if she finds out from a third party about your lifestyle.
I was negligent in not posting this in my initial post but I was trying to keep it short.
To reiterate. Honesty is the best policy. Do it, and the sooner the better, as the older you get the harder it is to control the desire, and the harder it is on your loved ones...Ellie

[Adriana Moretti]

I can never tell if it is a hobby....a lifestyle....an art form...a compulsion.......an addiction.......a fetish....its probably all those things to different people for many different reasons .....

[Stumble]

I like what Mistyeyes said about it being better to be honest than to be sullen. Sensible wife.