How Is Your Support System?

[Julie]

My therapist told me only 1 in 10 marriages survive transitioning. When I went to some TS support meetings I heard many there talk about kids, brothers, sisters, and even parents disowning them when they told them they were TS.

My personal experience has been dismal. I have one sister that is unphased but has so many issues herself cannot provide support. Another sister is okay but kind of weirded out. The rest of my family, including my kids, is either distant or estranged. This past Christmas I was intentionally not invited to my sisters (that's never happened) but my ex was. That hurt!

I've often wondered if I'd pursue transitioning more actively if I had just one close person supporting me, preferably a SO. When imagining that, and that she was encouraging me to follow my heart, I think I'd at least spend more time living as a woman and with her by my side I'd be more inclined to do everyday things dressed.

Elizabeth's recent question sparked this line of thought. I was wondering how many are getting the support they want and how this effects the way they live.

[Helana]

Julie

I feel very much for you. I can accept that family members will disapprove of your decision but for family to disown you entirely is just sad. It is not like they have to live with you or be embarressed with their friends etc. I cannot imagine what they must think of you to shun you like this.

Undoubtedly having family support would make a major difference in transitioning. We know we will face major problems in public but we should always be able to count on our family to support us no matter what. Personally I would write them a letter telling them how much you are hurt by their actions.

[Louise]

Morning Julie. I totally agree with with Helana the way youv'e been treated is very sad and almost unforgivable, I've always found this kind of insensitive treatment is usually born out of ignorence not malice, it can only make you a stonger and more objective person when you come out the other side of it! I'ts probabaly happened to most of us to a lesser or greater degree........On reflection I'm lucky in a way as all my family are gone all I have left is my daughter Charlotte who is now 24 and I haven't seen her for 5 years now because of similar situation all you can do is 'keep on keeping on'....Lulu

[Helen MC]

Julie, I am NOT a psychologist or anything like that but having read of your many problems especially as regards the recent situation with your dog the advice I would give, if you are in a financial position to do so, is to make a new start. As FDR said "It's time for a NEW DEAL"

Find another town, even another State, the USA is huge compared to the UK, and one where people have a liberal attitude towards CDs/TVs/TGs, and new employment if that is possible and take the dog with you, and start a new life leaving all the baggage behind. If you have an SO or a really dear friend whom you can trust then by all means either go with them or keep in touch but I would advise going ex-directory on the phone, changing your e-mail address etc.

You are divorced already, and I have to say your family are dysfunctional and part of the problem not part of the solution from what you say, so cut them loose and let them sink or swim as they can. That's THEIR problem NOT your's!

This is harsh advice but twice I have had to erase and rewind. When I decided in my late teens that to be ME I had to move away from the family and set up on my own in another part of the UK (nothing directly to do with my CD activities, I just needed freedom to be me) and after my divorce, again not CD related, I moved again and started over, retaining those parts of my life that I wanted but discarding the unwanted and unhelpful baggage I had accumulated along the way.

So in a nutshell Julie, seize back control of your own life, do what YOU want to do and stuff the rest of them! Good Luck!

[Sharon]

I can't put myself in your shoes, Julie, but Montfort's advice seems a little too harsh. It's a shame, and sad, that your family has turned its back on you, but I can't imagine just abandoning them. But that's my thinking on the matter, only you know in your heart what is best.

I am in somewhat similar circumstances as you are, only that, even though everyone (kids, sisters) is dead set against my wishes, they have not attempted to break the strings with me. As a matter of fact, if it was up to them, they would be drowning me with their attention, as a way to show how much they want me to remain as I am today -- just the strange, but lovable, guy who dresses like a woman.

I am reaching the point where I need to do what I need to do, and I plan to drag my loved ones along with me. When push comes to shove, I have to believe that they will still be here for me. If not..., well, I would rather not contemplate on that, for my kids and sisters mean the world to me. Moving forward, alone, without those I cherish, seems pointless..., and awfully lonely.

[Natasha Anne]

My extended family is OK, but my recent Christmas holiday was marred by revelations that my wife, while pretending to be supportive, was actually sleeping with my best friend. He was also extremely supportive and is married with 3 children. He is extremely apologetic, she is not the slightest remorseful and in fact has said some really cruel things to me since I found out. I've lost two really trusted people in my life, and to make matters worse she has suddenly become extremely cold toward me and is planning on moving out with the kids.

Although I'll fight for joint custody, it's a scary situation. I've built a very happy life for my children, they live in a lovely neighbourhood with a fantastic lifestyle, but I cannot maintain that when they live somewhere else.

So, I know how it feels, and I empathise. I wish people were not so cruel and thoughtless, and I wish the mother of my children would think of the children's lives as much as she does of her own. There was never any expectation on my part that she'd remain my wife, as sad as that was for me, but we did plan on sharing a place and raising our children together. It was all a lie, and I'm devastated.

Given all the trials and tribulations we face in transitioning, cruelty from those nearest and dearest to us

[Stephenie]

My family brothers and sister don't have much use for me and they don't know about any CD/TG things they just don't seem to care. and my parents live in another state and my mom writes a couple of times a year. I have no close friends and I have aleinated my wife by coming out to her. So I have no support system other than here. My kids don't know but would not likely responed in a suportive fashion. Even the last therapist I saw was not supportive. I'm beginning to think that I'm a fool for thinking anyone other than another CD/TG would or could ever understand let alone except me.

Nice life we've got here.

[Julie]

Some very thought provoking replies. And thank you all for your support.

Natasha, when I read your post I identified wholly. While my ex wasn't sleeping with anyone, she was carrying on a long distant relationship. I was totally faithful to her from our first date to the divorce some 25 years later. And she too gave me all that BS about supporting me all the way and "I'll even be holding your hand before your final surgery". When I needed her most she bolted then turned on me. The reason she was invited to my sister's and not me is because of what she has told my family. I couldn't see the real her until the divorce talks began.

Stephanie, yeah, what a life we live. I've heard many times we are only given that which we can handle. There are probably times we've all felt that wasn't true, I know I have. But what always seems to happen is we seem to find a way out of the darkness. I can see that beginning to happen now. I feel the old me coming back but this time even better.

I let everyone treat me like a doormat once I was outed. I lost almost all my self confidence as one by one those I loved walked out of my life. But what does that tell me? They only want what they want and my happiness is not important. Maybe I deceived them by keeping this from them for so long. Maybe me not coming directly to them and they having to hear my ex's version (which is always so twisted I wonder where it comes from) made them feel estranged. Once I found out she told them I sent everyone a letter explaining exactly where I am. But the way most of them have responded has told me they decieved me too. As long as I was Jim they were fine but once they found out about Julie they didn't want to know me.

We have a great community that is supportive and filled with some of the finest people I know. When I'm in a mainstream social situation I see a lot of people who are really uptight and concerned with material things and put on this front that I just read right through. But when I'm in the LGBT community everyone is just themselves. Maybe because these people have the courage to be themselves regardless of what others think. While the mainstreamers are still trying to be something they're not.

[Jasmine Ellis]

This is why I can't tell my family. I don't want to hurt them or being hurt by them. I'm not ashamed who I am, the way I dress, Jasmine is me, she is my life. But I can't bring myself to telling my mum. I just think it's better for her not to know.

[Stlalice]

Julie,

From what I've seen, your therapists numbers are quite close - my own observations show that about 10 to 15% of relationships will survive transition. Those in this group are truly blessed and give us all hope that we wil not lose everything for being honest about who and what we are. But what about the rest of us? The sad truth is that the rest of us can count on some degree of loss in either family or friends because we have gone into transition. Therapists, gender counselors and others tell us to be prepared to lose everything and everyone for a reason - so that we will prepare mentally for the day when a close friend or family member says something to the effect of "I can't deal with this - don't call me or come around." In this respect I have been quite lucky - while I have only lost one close friend, my family/friends have varied from "we accept you regardless" to even three years later to "I'm still trying to understand/accept this". The best and only advice I can give is to give everyone as much time as they need to work things out for themselves. Many people will have to go through what amounts to a period of mourning the loss of the one they have always known before they can accept you as you are now. Be prepared to answer their questions as honestly as you can but let them choose the timing of when to ask questions or accept you. Keep the lines of communication open - if you can send them holiday, birthday, etc. greetings - make sure they know where to find you. But live your life as you must for your own health and mental well being. Many of us in the Trans as well as the larger LGBT community have found circles of friends that in many ways come to be a substitute "family" - people who love, support, and care for each other who become "kinfolk" in all ways except blood. In addition to the club scene you will find that LGBT support/social groups, churches, etc. are a good place to start forming this network of friends that will be there when you need them and when they need YOU. Hang in there kid - you are a survivor and while you may be at a low point in your life things will get better.

[tiffiany]

Right now my support system is just me and this wonderful forum. Ive always known I was different, there were many signs growing up but I chose to deny them. As for my immediate family I believe some of them already know and are just waiting for me to come out. As for the rest Im not sure how they would react if I told them.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Julie

I am truly blessed with a wonderful family, everyone one of them is happy for me because I'm happy. All of my kids are cool with things, my son Chris even said I look pretty sharp, and my friend Julie thinks I'm hot. I did promise my daughter that I wouldn't show up at her wedding in a dress, but I do have to be dad to walk her down the aisle.

My wife Kat has been so awesome, she has given me so much strength and support. She's the true meaning of "partner for life". I was so afraid she'd leave me when I told her the truth about me, instead she taught me about make-up and took me out dressed for the first time. I am now seeing a tg specialist, and she will be by my side the whole way. I have other problems that I deal with, and she's always there to hold my hand and protect me. She's simply the best.

I know how it feels to go it alone, I did it for over 50 years until I came out. I wish everyone could be as lucky as I am because it's so much easier to have people to lean on, and it's so wonderful to have someone to share with. Yes, I am truly one lucky girl.

GypsyKaren

[Helen MC]

An old piece of advice comes to my mind in this sad scenario for Julie.

"Choose your friends well, for God saddles you with your family".

A bit trite perhaps and certainly irreverant, but I have found it to be true. I had no issues with my Mother, and none with my Sister but still have many with my father, and those are irreconcilible. We respect each other, that's about it. Frankly that suits us both, and neither he nor I require nor desire any change to that situation. Like Korea it's a long term stand off.

On the other hand the small circle of friends I have-male and female-are worth their weight in gold. They have proven themselves to me in times of difficulty and I have come to their aid when things have gone wrong in their lives . Some know of my being a CD, some do not. I am very careful who I tell and judge how they would be likely to react. To me, I have made my own NEW family , that is my circle of close friends , and that counts far more to me than some DNA.

[Rachel_740]

I've often wondered if I'd pursue transitioning more actively if I had just one close person supporting me, preferably a SO. When imagining that, and that she was encouraging me to follow my heart, I think I'd at least spend more time living as a woman and with her by my side I'd be more inclined to do everyday things dressed.

Julie,

IMHO, if you can't transition without support from someone close but you can with their support, you should seriously question if you should be transitioning in the first place. I know you've really been throught the mill in the last year or two and I'm not questioning your actions one little bit - who am I to do something like that without even knowing you. It's just my comment on what you have written.

Anne

[Natasha Anne]

Julie,

IMHO, if you can't transition without support from someone close but you can with their support, you should seriously question if you should be transitioning in the first place. I know you've really been throught the mill in the last year or two and I'm not questioning your actions one little bit - who am I to do something like that without even knowing you. It's just my comment on what you have written.

Anne

It would certainly make it easier to have the support of someone close to you. I've had to do a lot of thinking in the last few weeks, since I found out just how badly I was let down by the two people closest to me.

My conclusion. I'm still going to transition, but what could have been a little simpler has not become way more complex. I remain undeterred but would definitely prefer support.

I don't think slowing down your transition because someone close to you is unsupportive means you should question whether you should transition at all. You either know you should or you're filled with doubt and uncertainty. If you feel the latter don't proceed until you're certain.

This is just a great example, a test if you like, of that generalisation/cliche about being prepared to lose everything prior to taking the big steps into transitioning. It really felt that way to me, and my answer still came back a resounding yes. In a way being let down was the ultimate test of my resolve, and I can honestly say I never once questioned if I was doing the right thing. If anything I'm even more convinced about my path than I was, and trust me I did not need any more convincing.

[Elizabeth]

Hi everyone,

My personal experience has been mixed. My closest brother who had been my best friend, coworker and business partner, disowned me. My exwife totolly never accepted it and we divorced. All my children are supportive of my transgenderedness, however, my oldest daughter sided with my exwife in the divorce and we are now estranged because my 22 year old daughter is still 100% economically reliant on my exwife, and lives with my exwife and her boyfriend, who it turned out she had been having an affair with for many years.

I have been estranged from my mother, my father and three of my sisters one of my brothers since about 1993 because of issues within our own dysfunctional family. And really I have only spoke to my parents a handful of times since I was 19 and left home. I later became estranged from my oldest brother after I had to fire him from my company for gross insubordination. I later became estranged from my second oldest sister after I quit a band we were in together in 1995.

Basically when I came out in 2004, I only had the support of my children. Since that time, my sister that I was in a band with has reached out to me and we have repaired our relationship. She is totally accepting of me and had not trouble going out with me and my family to eat, while she was visiting, even though I was "en femme".

Then in spring of 2005 my second oldest brother, who lives in northern California, reached out to me and we have started a relationship. He visited me this summer and in fact brought my oldest brother with him. He is totally accepting of my transsexualism and even joked to me as we approached each other and I put my hand out to shake his "what? you can't hug me just because you wear dresses now?" He had a big smile on his face and he then delivered a very loving and warm, big brotherly hug and told me he was glad to see me. He then told me that my oldest brother was with him, and that he just wanted to let the past stay in the past. We had a nice barbeque, passed around the guitar and sang some songs, and they left later that evening.

Now just two weeks ago my oldest brother called me and reached out to me and said he wanted to have a relationship with me again. That prompted me to call my mother, whom I had not spoken to in many years, and we had a nice conversation which could lead to a real relationship. I told her that I would like our relationship to be one where I could come to her house, have coffee, and talk. She said she would like that also. So? we will see what happens.

I met and married a wonderful woman, that is fun, upbeat, and totally accepts me, and supports my desire to be the person I was intended to be.

So? it started off with virtually no support, and now it is getting better. I would advise anyone considering coming out and starting the process of transition, regardless of level of transition, to be prepared to lose your entire support system. It can, and does happen. Be prepared to rebuild an entire new network of support. If you are lucky enough to get support from family and friends, that is great, but i would not count on it.

One last thing I forgot to mention. Both of my closest male friends, both persons I have called "my best friend" have both accepted me unconditionally and totally support me.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Rachel_740]

It would certainly make it easier to have the support of someone close to you. I've had to do a lot of thinking in the last few weeks, since I found out just how badly I was let down by the two people closest to me.

Natasha,

I fully agree with you here. However, rightly or wrongly when I made the decision to transition and have the op etc., it was on my own prior to letting ANYBODY know of my plans. It was only after that decision had been made that I came out to people (which was the right way for me to do it - not necessarliy the roght way for others). When I told people of what I was doing I was informing them, not asking there opinion or for support and I was going to live with any reactions - good or bad - that came from it.

Anne

[Helen MC]

Anne, I am not physically TG nor am I ever going to have reassignment surgery of any type but like you I make the big decisions in my life without reference to anyone else and INFORM them of the outcome but do NOT consult them. As far as the pressures of Employers, and the Law of the Land, and my Income will allow- I run my own life.

[Natasha Anne]

Natasha,

I fully agree with you here. However, rightly or wrongly when I made the decision to transition and have the op etc., it was on my own prior to letting ANYBODY know of my plans. It was only after that decision had been made that I came out to people (which was the right way for me to do it - not necessarliy the roght way for others). When I told people of what I was doing I was informing them, not asking there opinion or for support and I was going to live with any reactions - good or bad - that came from it.

Anne

I have to agree, my decision to transition came before I told others too. You're quite right of course, and caused me to revisit my brief history I would not have dared to tell anyone, especially those I was most afraid of losing prior to being 100% sure.

[Helana]

We have a great community that is supportive and filled with some of the finest people I know. When I'm in a mainstream social situation I see a lot of people who are really uptight and concerned with material things and put on this front that I just read right through. But when I'm in the LGBT community everyone is just themselves. Maybe because these people have the courage to be themselves regardless of what others think. While the mainstreamers are still trying to be something they're not.

That is a very poignant statement. Because we all live outside the box we end up with a different set of priorities than those who continue to live inside the box. The ratrace is deliberately blinkered so they do not have to deal with "unpleasant" issues, they can justify their brush-off to us because we are no longer part of mainstream society, even though most TS dearly want to be let back in to maintain relationships.

I tend to agree with Helen's gist that it is sometimes better to move on and find true friendship elsewhere than dwell on trying to maintain existing ones, although I know that is very difficult to consider when dealing with immediate family.

Life is all about swings and roundabouts. I believe, Julie, that your family will eventually come back to you but it will take a long time. At some point they will realise their mistake in shunning you especially when something similar happens in their own lives that lets them see outside the box as well.

[Darlena]

I have the advantage of the married girls here. I am single. Therefore I am no longer encumbered by the fear of having to recognise another (you) in the relationship. That sends out a clear and present danger to her security and eminence as your spouse. I think if you can be truely honest with her from the very beginning that you are "trans", then life would bode well for both of you. Love & kisses,

[Deborah]

[SIZE=3]With my own story combined with a lot of the other girls here only depresses me. There i was thinking there was hope in this world.

I hate cheaters too.[/SIZE]

[Maria D]

I can't stand cheating either, it's one of the few things I couldn't forgive.

As of yesterday, almost all of my family have been told. I've received several phone calls from different members to pass on support, love and sadness at the pain of it all for me. So far, everyone has been absolutely amazing, beyond my wildest hopes. There's just my Dad left now, and that means travelling across the country, I intend to do it before going full time, as a courtesy to him.

On the other hand, my fiancee's family loath me. They are good catholic people (perhaps an oxymoron, or perhaps I'm too cynical) and to them I am, and always will be, 'wrong'. When I do see them, they can't look me in the eyes, but they've been avoiding coming round, and even phoning, to avoid me. They haven't even brought the Christmas presents round yet (and yet I bothered to get the present for them to give to my fiancee). Lately they've been making negative comments about me too, presumably in the hope of spiltting us up. They were fine with me before they found out.
TBH, what really hurts is seeing the effect on my fiancee. She's really hurt by all this, and it's horrible. She says if they can't accept me she'll cut them out, but I don't think she will, and I REALLY hope she doesn't.

What makes it harder is that they live down the road, and my family is scattered around the country, mainly down south. We'll just have to see what happens in time I suppose, but at least my family are being great, so there is hope.

Maria