Billie I have no extra advice for you but want to send you good vibrations and positive energy
I pray you find peace of mind.
Billie I have no extra advice for you but want to send you good vibrations and positive energy
I pray you find peace of mind.
Billie, you need to leave your wife and kids. Come to a mutual agreement of some kind where you would still be allowed some time with your kids - as long as you keep your kids away from your drama. I am sure your wife didn't want to marry a woman. She needs to start looking for a man again and start a new life without you.
Your only option is to leave her on good terms so you can still see your kids.
Sorry to see you and your family suffer. I hope you do the right thing.
Katie while what you have said does make a lot of sense: drama and being an emotional mess and all over the place. I have and will always put my children first, they are part of me and my life. What I'm going through has not interfered with me being a father. In fact my daughter is a daddies girl, always going to me for things instead of her mother. My SO even calls her a traitor for the simple fact that she comes to me to give hugs and kisses. While my SO has to ask for hugs and kisses and my daughter only does it when I say something. I know I am a great parent and will always be in whatever capacity that is and I will protect them no matter what.
There would be no way I would leave out of their lives, no matter what I'm going through, again the things I struggle with makes no difference in being a loving parent and have never treated them in any bad way. I also feel that by not being part of their life will be a lot worse for them in the long run. My SO's father did that to her so, she is angry and has no relationship with him.
It may seem from past post that I look wishy washy and that may be true to some degree, but imagine being under so much distress with everything coming at you from all angles; while dealing with emotions that have been surpressed your whole life. So I have been going back and forth wanting everything because I was afraid to loose this part of myself and the life I created. Yet I still stay positive and hold a brave face. I'm lot strong then what most people think; especially with all that I have been through in my own life. I am being to come to some acceptance of who I am and what I really want. But it's like tearing down an ego that wants to survive
My SO has always been supportive of me, but has reached her limit in doing so. That's why even couples counseling will be out of the question. She has never thought that I cheated, but stated that if I was and the clothes were somebody else's, then she would have left a long time ago. The topic of CDing and wanting to be women has come up several times before and does not condone me, but can't accept it either. Which is fair and she is entitled to how she feels and I'll never disregard her feelings. So it's not like I expect her to know by finding things here and there.
I honestly know what I want, it's just a hard choice to make because that means change in a lot of areas of my life. And just because I struggle with who I am as a human being; just like everyone else on earth that struggles with something, does not mean I'm a self serving stupid unthinking sob.
Billie, as long as there has not been any violence or threats of violence, do not move out until you have talked to a lawyer: in some states it would be viewed as abandonment or would influence who gets the house in a settlement.
KatiedidGG, You are so right, in that children often blame themselves for parent unhappiness. I did, and i all my life sabotaged every good opportunity, and relationship,, not wanting to look better than my miserable parents. My dad did blame me a lot. None of my parents kids are married or have a SO. A pattern. Never make kids believe they are the reason for your unhappiness. I have tried all my life to please my dad, and fix him. He respects nothing i say, much, and i burned myself out in life.
Today things got even more ugly between me and future ex after work. I came home to find she took the day off to clean and pack all my stuff. She also went out of her her way to show my mother in law all my women's clothes. The first thing she says to me was that I need to leave the house because I'm not allowed there anymore. And it looks like things are going to get worse and be a bitter war with her. She throws the whole CDing and gender identity in my face, a reason for me not to be part of my children, and try and use it against me in court. What's sad is that my son asked me if I going to a new house because my ex said I had to leave. My ex who saw sitting near by said something about me leaving, he started to walk away saying he didn't want me to leave crying. She tells me she's in charge of things are going to go and I need to be careful or it's going to get ugly and she will make sure I loose everything. So it looks like I'm going to consult with an attorney tomorrow. As the old saying goes when it rains it pours.
Billie - Im probably going to regret saying this as Im going to get flamed for it but sometimes Honesty is the best policy. I mean no harm to anyone but would like to state my opinion along with everyone elses.
What we are - xdressers is NOT normal in our society. We are classed as deviants and not socially acceptable by a lot in the community. (look up womens blogs on Yahoo etc relating to CD's to see how people think. There are plenty of them) Until everyone here realizes that inside our little forum community we can be our little miss perfects but our family and friends and neighbors and work colleagues probably don't see us that way and they cant all be wrong. Your SO is obviously feeling hurt and betrayed and I think we should all put ourselves in her shoes (no pun intended). Counseling is obviously the best way and Legal advice. I hope for your future it all works out, but sadly most times it wont as we cant give up the enjoyment of wearing women's clothes (and were selfish) and women cant accept why we want to as they have been brought up to think it is aberrant behavior bordering on perverted..Just saying.Just remember what were doing ISNT illegal but it could be classed as detrimental to the welfare of the child.....Ellie
Last edited by Ellie52; 01-22-2014 at 06:39 AM.
Get a good lawyer. In California the courts will not be interested in you being transgender and that will not likely be an issue. You will get visitation with your kids.
All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?
Do not do anything without consulting with an attorney. In certain states if you leave the house it will be abandonment. Also, it is not up to her to determine if you should see the kids. Your crossdress ing may or may not be a problem but before we talk about feelings and opinion, STOP AND GET LEGAL ADVICE NOW!
Why would I know, because I have first hand knowledge. Get facts and this will empower the right decisions, the right way to disarm your spouse, and get the courts involved to ensure the spouse is not impacting the children with nonsense.
Also go to the top five best attourneys in town so they are blocked from representing your spouse. Then act civil, use the court to protect your rights and the kids and learn what you can do to bolster your case which I would suggest if your spouse knows about this, or Facebook and such you will want to am cease and desist.
Message me if you need but don't listen to anyone but a top notch attorney and get in there first.
Vanny
i've never been married, but my parents got divorced, and while it was hard for me as a child i knew they always loved me and that i was a top priority in their lives as they lived in the same town and saw me frequently and were involved in my life... although it is not usually gender identity, lots of things cause marriages to have trouble, but if you are truly committed to your kids (and wife?) show them how much they are a priority to you by being there for them even during these difficult times... if you have to move out to figure things out for yourself it doesn't mean you have to stop being a part of their lives... one way or another, i would seek counseling from someone who deals with these issues as a professional as it is a lot to figure out... anyway, things happen in life and this doesn't make you a bad parent, just remember that your children need you in their lives wherever you might be living, and my feeling is that their well being should be your top priority even while you figure things out--good luck with your situation, i don't think being a dad or a mom matters as long as there is love...
From the get go, IMHO, I do brush aside all the well meaning advice --- including counseling that might be useful after the other matters are cleaned up --- and fully side with Paula and Nadine. All the inital context reiterated your wife's feelings of what she wanted from a marriage and the kids were never part of it. You have the satisfaction to know that this union was never intended to be --- Cding and children notwithstanding. There apparently is no sincere emotion on her side so don't get further wrapped upin feeling sorry for her or yourself. One goal only --- legal advice to find and do what's the best action needed to, in the long run, assure your relationship and the well being of your children and please move on after that goal is attained.
Julie
Hi Billie,
You have posted a lot on this subject and it really comes down to a few things IMHO. Firstly you are an emotional roller coaster and very confused about things in general and your gender identity. Sometimes you talk about CDing and later talk about being TS. Sweetie, you need the assistance of Gender Identity Therapist to bring order to chaos and find out where you truly fall along the TG spectrum. Until you can decide that, you are going to be in a state of flux and to be honest, we (the community) cannot provide you advice on where you sit with regards to gender identity. We can relay personal experience but that is us and we are all different. I also suspect there are other issues floating around in your background and a good therapist may be able to help you through that. This will get you sound, happy with yourself and prepare you for what is ahead.
Regarding your wife . . . I am going to go out on a limb here and say I think the relationship was over long before CDing took front and center. From your posts, I got the feeling there was strife before you came out and this is now the catalyst to move things forward. From this thread it appears you are "being ordered out". Got it and I believe the gracious thing is to bow out and collect yourself . . . it is no good for the kids to see mom and dad in a knock down drag out scream fest. However, your wife does not have the immediate right to deny you access to your children that has to be court ordered. If you cannot work out amicable terms to see your children while you work through this, then I highly recommend that you hire a lawyer sooner than later. Throwing CDing in your face as a reason to deny access to your children holds not merit as you are doing nothing illegal . . . again hire a lawyer as we (unless there are attorneys on this site) cannot provide sound legal counsel.
In the end sweetie, if you do hope to move forward the surest road to success would be to get yourself grounded and focused. You are not in a proper frame of mind to deal rationally with this IMHO. Back away graciously, hire a lawyer to act on your behalf (at the very least discuss options) and move forward with counselling. While CDing cannot be used as an excuse to deny you access to your children, if you go to court in an irrational and emotional state, that may be enough to limit your access.
Hugs and good luck sweetie
Isha
Bill ie, I might tender this bit of advice, but it also depends on where you live if it would even be admissable. But try to record her rants, even if they mention your crossdressing. The rants you want most are where she claims authority over the children, and telling you that you won't see them. Something else to record would be where she mentions you leaving, so you can defend yourself against abandonment charges by her attorney. I hope your attorney consult goes well today, just be honest with them so they can properly formulate a defense against her tirades. My heart goes out to you. I know this isn't easy.
I am very sorry to hear about the home situation. Hopefully at some point your SO comes to the realization that you have tried like many of us to change and "kick the habit". Hoping marriage would be the thing to rid you of your Cding and desire to transition. But as we all know, it doesn't change how we are, we can't change and turn or backs on our true inner selves. Good luck.
I am sorry about your situation, but one question here has gone begging.
If SHE's the one who's unhappy in the marriage, why should YOU be the one to move out?? Tell her you have no intention of moving out, and suggest she move out instead. California courts are against sexual discrimination and any court will tend to rule in your favor. You are not the bad guy here; don't allow yourself to be pushed around like this. Run this by an attorney, if you can, but don't move an inch; don't let her push you around.
ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!
"The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)
I was wondering if California would be more liberal in that regard or if they would have aharsh stance where her descrimination is concerned.
My understanding is the court will not deny visitation unless you are a drug addled, physically abbusive brothel owner and your kids serve drinks to the customers!
Really ask an atty directly it will cost you 250 - 500.00 and you have facts from a qualified professional!
I'm raw from a divorce and want people to know that when you have facts you have power, when you duct act civility you own the courts and that especially applies to children.
Just trying to help. It is a phone call and a check....you can rest easier
DO NOT MOVE OUT UNTIL YOU TALK TO AN ATTORNEY.
Don't record rants. It is so against the law you could get in MAJOR TROUBLE. What you can do is record conversations that you have with her in some instances. You MUST remain calm, not show or act angry and speak calmly. Never argue around kids court will or could eat you up.Originally Posted by cd_cadenlane
DONT DO ANYTHING UNTIL YOU SEE AN ATTORNEY.
Last edited by Sandra; 01-22-2014 at 10:01 AM. Reason: merged consecutive posts, multiposting is not allowed, please read the rules regarding this
In my personal opinion she is RIGHT. We CDs don't want to face reality that we are in fact some of the most selfish people there is and are so consumed by our will in dressing, desires and obsession that we can forget ther are others involved in this too that are affected by our actions. I've experienced it myself but after 40 years have a loving understanding wife. But I've heard dozens of times (from her) "don't say it doesn't affect you, because it does, there are others in your life too, but you forget that." Shes right.
Well, that's why i said depending on where you live. In some States, only one party of a conversation has to know that a conversation is being recorded. In other states all parties have to know or there has to be full disclosure. Yes an attorney would best be able to advise either for or against recording. But I assure you I wasn't giving blanket advice. [I just checked my old law books, California HAS adopted two party consent laws. So that idea is out. But having a witness to her rants IS admissable. Just find someone willing to testify to what they see and hear.
Perfectly put.... I am not trying to get anything across except see an atty
Start there - see an atty. Who knows what you do and don't have to worry about? But wouldn't it be nice to know what you truly have to worry about.
Unknowns or loss of control are what makes you spaz! When you get professional atty advice some of that could just flutter away or not. But you will never know asking here.
For the first time in a while, focus on helping you so you can be with the kids.
Vanny
I've been on the attorney bandwagon since my first post on this thread. LoL
Agreed! words are one thing, actions and threats are another. You're right on that one
I have a 50,000 atty bill to prove I don't know what I was doing based on what I think. On the other hand it was money WELL SPENT. YEOUCH !
But don't my upper frontal additions look sensational (wink).
Last edited by Vanessa Rose; 01-22-2014 at 10:31 AM.
Yes, you need to lawyer up, fast. But, to those who say you need to get out because you are a CD or whatever, I say back off and don't project your closet mentality toward others. Billie, you should see a counselor in order to sort out your feelings and realize you can't be ruled by others negative and defective points of view.
This is getting serious as she decided to call the police because she was not getting her way. When on the phone she sinter me as a bad person causing all this chaos, yelling and screaming only by me, her monos diabetic, said that concerned about everyone's safety, and that they came her last year because of my mental breakdown and suicidal thoughts. The police came and could not do much except know if I was in the right sate of mind pertaining to last year, and what I am going to do because he doesn't want to be called again. I can tell my ex is not happy about that. The other major issue is that her brother brother in the past threatened to beat my butt, throw me out, and not care if he goes to jail; and he's coming over tonight. Her mom threatened to kick my butt and has no problem going to jail. This is all because I'm not doing what my ex wants; whose trying to be on control.
What I love most is that for an hour when my children were supposed to be in bed. Is that they kept coming into the living room to be with me more then usual. At one point my ex got mad because of this.
I do have so say I did get thoughts of suicide even when I was telling myself I would not. I did call the crisis center the same place I went to last year. After talking on the phone with the person they said I had my head on shoulders and thinking rationally. In all this chaos from last night I may have come unglued emotionally, but I was still collected, and calm in my approach. She was the one going all crazy and projecting it on me. She tried to get reactions and didn't she would get in my face more, telling me how things are going to be. I never stood up for myself in this marriage to took all the emotional abuse and try to do what she wanted. Now that I'm not doing that she's been reacting in a negative way.
I have written comments and threats down to share with my attorney whom my mom found that also is very knowledge about gender identity issues.
Last edited by Billiejosehine; 01-22-2014 at 11:31 AM.
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