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Thread: SO thinks kids deserve a better father

  1. #1
    Member Billiejosehine's Avatar
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    SO thinks kids deserve a better father

    Well sorry for the long rant of thoughts, but it is 2:30 am and I had a not so good conversation with the SO. Leaving me with a lot on my mind and so here I sit writing this tread. It seems things are getting worse by the minute after talking more about the relationship, my CDing, and thoughts about transitioning. Now she tells me that I need to move out like now to give her and the kids sanity, stability, and peace for once because I'm confused as f@*# about who I am. But once I figure out who I am then I'm welcome to come back and be part of their lives. She doesn't want them to deal with my bs and that they deserve better. She tells me I'm selfish because I told her that they are my kids and I don't agree to leaving and then coming back once I figure out who I am. She thinks I used her and abused her by marrying her and having kids while I new I was struggling with my gender identity. That it is unfair to bring children into the world knowing what I struggle with. In reality she doesn't want me to part of their lives because they need a dad and not another mom. When I told her they are my priority she made a comment about how it doesn't seem like it. There's so much more on my mind that I want to say, but I leave at this.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Maria in heels's Avatar
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    There is a great deal of sorrow and hurt in your relationship with your wife, and your children are going to be affected by it whether you transition or not. Your children will know in the "end" no matter what you do, so I think that its best that you seek counseling hopefully with your wife so that the two of you can come to some sort of agreement or at least an understanding. Please also remember that your wife is very hurt, and that she is facing a new world that makes her uncomfortable...

  3. #3
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    I do really feel for you - this is clearly an extremely tense and rapidly developing situation. While I'm not recommending one particular course, I recall breaking up a 15+ year relationship and while there were no kids involved, the only way to get some clarity was to put space between myself and my SO by moving out. It is a valid option and may provide some clarity for you and her - but keep the communication lines open and get help in that if you can.
    Wish you the best..
    Katey x
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  4. #4
    Member Billiejosehine's Avatar
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    I have tried bring up that we should go to counseling together, but she wants no part. She does tell me she's tired and wants to rebuild a life without me and been wanting this for so long. Apparently she's been sticking around because she wanted a family that she never had and that was at the cost of her own happiness. She had this dream about me right before we got married 5 years ago and choose to not listen to it. She says it's her fault, but she should have listened to her dream.

  5. #5
    Did you say shopping? Caden Lane's Avatar
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    Billie, it sounds like she has made up her mind, and no amount of talking will change it. If she isn't receptive to counseling, then I would suggest like the others that you step out of the situation, get some therapy on your own, and buckle down for the expanse of changes ahead. Try not to allow the number of changes overwhelm you, isolate them into individual changes, and tackle one at a time.

    But I'm sure on some level your children are picking up on the strife in ya'lls relationship. That's no good for them either, just like its no good for you or your wife. The best gift you can give your wife at this point...and yourself, is to get out, focus on you, heal, allow her to heal, and figure out the complexity of your life. But be assertive with her by letting her know that while she may diminish you as a man in her mind, you are still the childrens father, you still have rights, and you cannot and won't be replaced in the role of their father, despite not being her ideal husband. That isn't a "Now" conversation. That's later on after you've retained an attorney for the divorce. Be courteous, even acknowledge that to a degree that you understand that you weren't meant for her because she cannot accept every aspect of you. But let her know that by merit of who you are, your children Love you unconditionally, no matter how you present, unless an outside source taints that Love with bias. Its not the kids fault, and its sad she uses them as such a weapon against you. What we can take from that is; if she will do it now,she will do it later on. So hunker down and prepare for that. But don't fear it or fret over it, prepare for it and allow it to strengthen your resolve and willpower.
    Last edited by Caden Lane; 01-21-2014 at 11:04 AM.

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member
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    Meditate. Let the answers come from within. Only you know what is best for the family.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    You need to get counseling both marriage and gender as soon as practicable.
    On the marriage side do not include children in your problem yet.
    It is better left unsaid for now.
    Try joint marriage counseling with your wife also.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  8. #8
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    I have to tell you, I'm inclined to agree with your wife. When a marriage is failing, and when a person is emotionally distraught, sometimes a separation allows the tension levels to recede a bit and allows one to calm down and think rationally.

    Often, during periods of high emotional stress a person can become obsessed with mulling the same thoughts over and over, they call it ruminating. All too often the ruminations simply further cloud a persons judgement and rationality.

    I suggest that you go back over your posts here, all in a row, and then you'll have a sense of all the drama and chaos your wife has endured as you struggled with your problems. Read them, but try for a moment to contemplate them from the perspective of your wife and children.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

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  9. #9
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    your wife is 100% right, u should either leave them with your tail between your legs and become a girl that u always want to or be a man make that sacrifice and fix your brain (see a psychiatrist) take care of your family, let your kids be proud of there father rather than being ashamed
    Last edited by rah; 01-21-2014 at 08:03 AM.

  10. #10
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    @rah - you are completely wrong and your message is really hateful.

    @billie - I hate to say this, but you need to hire an attorney, and hire them now. It sounds like there are other issues in your marriage, your wife isn't happy, and this is the last straw. You need to protect yourself, now. Distancing yourself from your kids forever, which is what your wife seems to want is not really in their best interests.

    You need gender therapy now. If you are an emotional wreck, in the absence of some other problem, you likely need to transition, but only you and a therapist working together can know for sure.

  11. #11
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rah View Post
    be a man make that sacrifice and fix your brain (see a psychiatrist)
    That is actually considered unethical by the APA. It cannot be done and always results in harm.

    In some states reparitive therapy is against the law just for that reason.
    Last edited by Angela Campbell; 01-21-2014 at 10:39 AM.
    All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?

  12. #12
    Silver Member Annaliese's Avatar
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    The sad thing is, it hard to have it both ways, think of it from your wife's point of view. So many of us start out thinking we can control this, and we can stop it at any time. We lie to our self and to our love one as well. Some of us want to trans, but won't because of family, other will make the jump no matter what. I don't know if it is they are more committed to being there true self, ore we are committed to our family happiness, than our own. You need to decide where you are, it not fare to you or your wife. You cant have it both ways.

  13. #13
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Billie, I wish that my mom and dad had separated, and divorced 50 years ago, but they kept the emotional living hell going, and poisoned my mind for life. My mom was driven to insanity, and died in 2012. My dad never grew up, is 93, still thinks he has never done anything wrong in his life, to me. I had to break up their fights, and walk on eggshells my whole life, and my dad holds a grudge against me, but expects me to visit him every day in the nursing home, like my evil brother does. He expects worship. I can't stand him. I try and try to forgive him, but he never will admit any wrong. Oh, please do separate, and maybe divorce, if this turmoil is only getting worse, and she will not budge. Your kids will be better off, in a one parent home, without the strife, and arguing, and war. I am not saying you are just like my dad. But it is better to separate, and have some peace, than keep a marriage war going, with little victims. You need an attorney, if you can afford one, to help. Oh, how i wish my mom had left my toxic father, who did not dress as far as i know, but was alcoholic, a tyrannical little spoiled boy, and utterly vain. My mom married him, because she felt sorry for him! Not healthy. Just my two cents, coming from parents who had no business marrying, now being parents. It was, and stil is torture for me.

  14. #14
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    My wife knew about my CDing early in our marriage, and the kids came along I did not flaunt it but didn't hid from them either. My oldest daughter knows but doesn't say to much about except for a funny comment once in awhile, my youngest daughter steels my dresses and tops so I guess that answers that.
    Good luck and I hope the best for you
    Patty

  15. #15
    A blossoming flower xx Jennifer Devine's Avatar
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    Best to be honest at the start if you are involving other people in your life then they can decide whether to accept you or not.
    Otherwise it just leads to more worry like you are facing. If she really loved you she would accept you as it says for better or worse in marriage.
    Thats why I shall be staying single so there is no comprimise or hurt involved.
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  16. #16
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    I am sorry to hear that your SO thinks CDing makes you a poor father. It is so unfair and so UNTRUE. I am completely convinced that, since I embraced my femininity and came out to my SO, I am MORE of a complete human being, not LESS of a man. I have no doubt that the same is true of you or anyone in this forum. We as a group are just too big to be jammed into the pigeonhole marked "Man". I hope the is room in your relationship to claim some space for Billie.

  17. #17
    Just A Simple Girl Michelle.M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rah View Post
    your wife is 100% right, u should either leave them with your tail between your legs and become a girl that u always want to or be a man make that sacrifice and fix your brain (see a psychiatrist) take care of your family, let your kids be proud of there father rather than being ashamed
    rah - with 40 posts under your belt you clearly haven't been here long enough to understand the issues the members here are facing in real life.

    Your opinion is very uninformed. You don't appear to have any knowledge of gender issues, or of the motivations and dynamics of crossdressing (except, perhaps, as they apply to you alone). Your answer was totally ill-conceived, and you ought to refrain from offering advice like that until you have a more well-developed understanding of what the underlying issues are with Billiejosehine, with the membership here and with crossdressers as a community. And, perhaps, with your own gender expressions as well.
    I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back keep me here to wait for me so I don't go back out and miss myself when I return.

  18. #18
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    Ouch! I read your post. Ouch. I too know sorta what your going through. I have kids and my SO hates my CDing. However, my struggle is different. We all struggle with things. It's not easy to turn it off and just man up and be super dad over night. But that's where she is, the perfect Hallmark family. I love my kids and I signed up to be a husband and father because that's the thing I went after. Guys like us probably have no business being married at all. But the man in me wanted those things. Now what to do? Decisions Decisions. I was told all the same things. Why bring kids in the world, why get married. Your selfish. All those things. The bottom line is we cant be both. You'll just have to see where you are and if she's will let have the kids. At the time we got married to our SO's we were in love with being in love, the "need" to dress was overcome with that. Now reality set in and pressure drives that need. Well for me anyways. I'd say get more involved in your kids lives, what ever it is, games. Let them decide. But be who you need to be. It's better to be hated for who you are than be loved for someone you not. Good Luck Billie.

  19. #19
    Did you say shopping? Caden Lane's Avatar
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    Rah, we have a responsibility to each other to give safe, supportive, real world advice and support, that does no harm. I'm hoping that you were merely responding emotionally, and dashed off advice that correlated with your own experiences, and that your advice wasn't based on your understanding of your psyche and ours in general.

    Billie, I reiterate, seek out marriage counseling, even without your wife. It looks better in court that you attempted to repair the breech in the marriage. Seek gender therapy to help you figure you out. And get an attorney to protect your interests.

  20. #20
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    We have chastised Rah enough, point made. Stick to the OP now
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  21. #21
    Elivs has left the.... Katie_Did GG's Avatar
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    It's not the being TG it's all the bloody drama. Please get yourself together with the help of a good gender trained counselor. Once you do you can go back and address the other issues.

    I agree you are in no shape to be any kind of a parent mother or father at this point. You are all over the place emotionally and just generally an emotional mess hun. I get that you hurt and I hate that for you. Wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

    But as the children's mother it is her place to put those kids first. And if that means protecting them from your drama then that is what she is prepared to do. Exposing them to TG issues is one thing exposing them to your confusion and arguments with their mother is another.

    As one who has been there do you not realize how often a child feels it is his or her fault that the parents are so miserable? If you love those babies leave and come back when you can be the parent they deserve. And if you cannot put those kids FIRST yes I said first over your needs and wants then keep the hell away from them.

    You seem unaware of how wishy washy you are in your own thinking and how you see things. Just a big old black hole of needy aren't you? Jeez Billie. And you seem to think your wife should just know what you are because she found some panties or something. Good grief man it's no wonder she thinks you are cheating you left her to fill in an amazing amount of blanks.

    And how in the Sam hell is your wife supposed to know how to help or support you in any way since you can't even decide what you really want. Oh except to be able to run wild and do as you please and to hell with her or the children.

    God save us from self serving stupid unthinking sods. I have been reading your threads and I'm ready to you myself I cannot imagine how your wife has not been at least tempted to shake some sense into you.

    I like to think I have an open mind and that I am compassionate but you would try a saint my dear.
    What a profound significance small things assume when the one we love conceals them from us.
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  22. #22
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    hey everyone has there own opinion i didn't mean to harm any1 and i am sorry if i was rude


    I'm a child of divorce

  23. #23
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    After reading thread after thread by you, I have come to the conclusion that your relationship has some serious problems that really have nothing to do with cross dressing. It sounds as if your wife is using CDing though as an excuse to separate. Unfortunate.

  24. #24
    Member Jocee's Avatar
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    Not much else to add, except I feel for you!

  25. #25
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    As others have said, I think counseling would be beneficial, perhaps couples counseling initially. Both partners going in opposite directions is not conducive to a good relationship.
    Last edited by Kate Simmons; 01-22-2014 at 07:19 AM.
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