Good to hear your kids don't want you to leave (I was about to ask).
Due to the ongoing threats, try to obtain a restraining order to keep your brother in law and mother in law away from you, and the house.
http://www.courts.ca.gov/1260.htm
Be the first to take such action, don't let your wife think of it first.
Last edited by DonnaT; 01-22-2014 at 12:00 PM.
DonnaT
Right on Donna T!!!!Originally Posted by DonnaT
I think the relationship was over long before CDing took front and center. However, your wife does not have the immediate right to deny you access to your children that has to be court ordered. I again hire a lawyer
This is the best advice...do it now, run don't walk...she has already started building her case you are behind now
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
I'm sorry to read that things are deteriorating so quickly. I think most of hoped you'd be able to stay there until you talked to an attorney.
I wholeheartedly agree about the restraining orders. At some point you may need to make it clear to her that it is a direct result of her attempts at manipulating the situation and involving her family who were a direct threat to your safety. But she does come off as a bit of a manipulator.
Megan. I coouldnt have said it better myself......Totaly agree...E
Seems this has been brewing for a very long time. Now your wife has taken the first step to ending it. So be it, one of you had too. You want to transition and she will never ever stay married to you if you do
The situation now is not a pi**ing contest to see who needs to leave the house. YOU DO FOR A NUMBER OF REASONS.
Seek the counseling you desperately need as has been suggested.
Seek out the advice of an attorney.
Do it for the safety of your children's hearts and mind.
Do it for your own safety from members of her family
Do it to stop the drama until everyone involved is represented by professionals who can keep some sort of sanity to the conversations.
At the very least you may just find living alone for a little while with all the freedom you will have to be the woman you think you want to become just might not be what you really wanted after all.
Hope a month from now you and she can both agree on the best way to solve this amicably because no matter what the outcome of your marriage is, when children are involved your ex will be a part of your life for the rest of your life.
Sorry to hear this and all the stress and hard feelings you both are living with. May I suggest that you meet with a professional therapist, who specializes in CD and transgender issues? It may be what you both need for each other and especially for your children. I wish you all good luck.
Di
I'll reiterate Kendra's comment: avoid a pissing contest. No one wins, and the kids are the biggest losers.
For perspective, I'll sketch my story. It has nothing to do with crossdressing, but IMO that's an irrelevant detail at this point. My wife and I fought over the kids throughout their childhood. I took her to court several times for denying me visitation, and I "won." I even forced her to go to counseling with me, a truly hollow victory - because counseling only helps those who seek help. The outcome: when my older boy was 14, he refused to come see me, and went wild; - - dropping out of school and getting into drugs (he's 31 now, sitting in a jail cell because of a 3rd DUI and heroin possession).
You need to concurrently get a lawyer and a counselor. The lawyer will ensure you get what your legally entitled to, but the counselor is needed to give you a perspective on what is best for the kids. Don't be afraid to lose something, if it avoids the tug of war that everyone loses. Your CD/TG issues should be treated as a background fact of life, non-negotiable, and no need to discuss with your wife or her lawyer ( if it's a factor in her wanting to leave you, then this becomes moot once the decision to leave is made). What needs to be discussed are the kids (who they'll live with, and what sort of visitations the other will have), and finances (splitting up what you have, and the providing of financial support for the care of the kids).
This is really unqualified legal advice. The OP needs to get an attorney before she does anything! leaving the house (her house) could put her at a serious legal disadvantage.
The OPs wife is behaving in an immature, hostile and entitled way and should not be rewarded for it.
April: leaving a hostile environment ( police have been called and a brother in law headed over later who has made previous threats) to seek the professional help that has been suggested is not legal advice I agree. IT'S JUST COMMON SENSE.
We are only hearing a very abbreviated account of the way the OPs wife is behaving. Again it's not a pissing contest about who gets the freaking house.
I cannot imagine a judge or anyone punishing one spouse for spending a couple nights in a motel while the dust settles
OKay I just saw the OP's newest thread http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...-journey-begin.
Does anyone else think things are either being way over exaggerated or that the OP is not being honest with us
Last edited by kendra_gurl; 01-23-2014 at 09:20 AM. Reason: additional infor
As someone who has been through almost the exact same thing recently I have to agree with that statement. I also have a few bits of advice:
1) Get a lawyer! I guarantee that neither of you will be happy with what the courts decide, so if divorce is inevitable (and it sounds like it is..) try and come up with your own realistic terms.
2) Take the high road. Don't be vindictive and never let your kids hear you speak negatively about their mother. Fifty percent of their DNA came from her after all and if you bash her, you are bashing them. (This is something I feel strongly about!!!)
3) Spend as much time with your kids as possible. They love you and you love them. Don't abandon them just because their mother is being unreasonable.
4) The last thing is to give it time. Right now, it seems like the world is about to end, but there IS life on the other side of divorce and it's actually not a bad life at all. In that new world, your will be happier and your being transgender will become a separate and more manageable issue.
Hugs,
Steph
As of today I have been finding places to live, filed for legal separation, restraining orders to stop the hostility. I'm not going to let threats from anyone affect me mentally and in doing what is right. Last night I stayed away from the house because the brother was coming over. I instead went to a spiritual support group, hung out with some friends, and praying to get myself re-centered; which is why a new thread I created is written in the way it is. I know what I must do, I know what I want to do. My children come first and I'm not allowing a hostile environment affect me because my health and safety are important.
Last edited by Billiejosehine; 01-23-2014 at 04:05 PM.
There are plenty of instances of parents who crossdress and even transition yet still remain loving and effective parents for their children. There's no reason to believe you can't do the same, as long as you commit yourself to it. Your SO's claim that CDs make bad parents simply isn't true. She may be using that argument as a way of expressing her own fears and anxieties. You may not be able to change her views, but if you must separate, do it carefully. Don't leave a poisoned atmosphere behind that could become a wall between you and your kids.
@rah - What you said is really insensitive and the worst thing you can say to someone who is suffereing from serious gender dysphoria. I'm sorry call out rah again but this is very personal to me since I've BTDT with someone who I thought would help me told me to "man up" and those words only made things worse.
@Billiejosehine - I'm really sorry about your situation. If anyone tells you to "be a man" or to "man up" just ignore it, and if it causes you stress please call someone, email, PM, post, do whatever you have to do to get help - do not let words like this get to you. It's awful to be told anything along the lines of being a man when you have serious gender dysphoria. You don't have to allow yourself to suffer any more because of GD or because of insensitive words that trigger GD.
And follow other's advice - get a lawyer, protect yourself, seek counseling and begin taking steps towards transition or whatever is needed to treat the GD.
Last edited by Michelle789; 01-23-2014 at 11:02 PM.
I've finally mastered the art of making salads. My favorite is a delicious Mediterranean salad.
Billie,
I am very sorry to hear about your situation.
There is a lot of great advice here so i will not add anything except i agree with the marriage counseling.
Good Luck,
Shelly
Billie - Do keep us informed as matters progress. We're pulling for you and praying for you!
You know I'm Bipolar and my emotions have been taking me on a wild ride, so if you read my past post and threads, it may seem like in all over the place; typical of a person who is bipolar. Emotion are in control of you; especially when you have depression and anxiety added to the mix. What I may have been dealing with has some serious GD that has never been felt with since I was a child.
I went to a therapy session and during that time I mentioned some things I never considered before: 1. When I was 7 months I was drawn to things a girl would be drawn to, 2. I was always mistaken as a girl because I had a feminine beauty about me( my hair was super curly and had a strawberry blonde color 3. Kids in elementary always made comments about how my eyelashes looked like a girls or I walked like a girl. 4. My mom talked about when she was pregnant with me and my father joked with another guy about being intimate with them; that same person later tried to crawl in bed with my mom and dad, but he freak out saying it was not the time because the guy was ruining it. 5. My father dressed up as a female waitress during Halloween and CD before I was born. 6. My step mom walked in front of me in a bra and underwear when I was about 6 or 7. 7. There was several times during that same age when my step mom painted my finger nail with clear nail polish as well as my fathers. And 8. I would often walk around the house at a young age with balloons under my shirt to create the effect that I had breast and was pregnant. I'm sure there's lots more I need to look at, but that is a start. What gets me is that my father and step mom have issues with me CDing and that I am taking steps become the women I feel I am; when I learned about the things they did and to me. But as of today, I'm in a better place and hopefully it stays that way moving forward. I'm sure I will still have my moments, but I will keep myself collected.
When I really look at things I am amazed at how much support there is around me, but with being so warped up in all that's going on right now; I couldn't see that. My sister, my mom, a family friend all have a lot of connections in the LGBTQ community. Also two friends of my moms are writing a dissertation on GD and their transitions. My mom is also a part of this Christian support group that was founded the LA chief of police that came out as gay and is the first openly gay chief of police. My moms cousin whom I'm friends with on FB is gay. I even have this great forum were I can get great advice and connect with those who share similar experiences. Thank you by the way for all the great responses on my thread. Even though I thought I was alone, I'm really not.
I'm just going keep my head up, take one step at a time each day and before I know it, I will have reached my destination.
Seriously< at only 7 months old you were drawn to things a girl would be drawn to!? 7 months. Wow. You have an excellent memory Billie. Yes sir / ma' am. Just excellent.
kendra_gurl I whole hearted agree with your point after reading the same new thread.
What a profound significance small things assume when the one we love conceals them from us.
Marcel Proust
I do not appreciate your condescending tone, if you don't have nothing nice to stay don't say anything at all. Did I trigger a something that you gone through and are angry about still? What other reason why you write such a response? You know, of course I can't remember things at 7 months, this is something I was told by my mother. Now if you really read my last post, I said I mentioned some things I never considered. Did I say anywhere in my post...I remember when? I'm only human and I deal with things just like anybody else that is alive. I have feeling and emotions and I come here as a place to share my thoughts as I go through them. Sure maybe when I'm in highly emotional state I could be over exaggerating, but I write what I perceive. And each person who reads my threads and post or anybody else's for that matter will come to their own conclusion on what they read. Remember that 94% of communication is non verbal, so you are missing a whole lot of info when you just read text. So I'm sorry if you feel that I am either exaggerating or not being honest and BSing. You of course are entitled to your opinions. Let me ask you one thing, have you CDed or feel that you were or had the desire to be the opposite sex? If not, do you really know what I go through and struggle with, other then from an outside experience of seeing someone else go through it?
Hi Billie,
This post has been taking a serious beating on all levels but a lot of the advice is very sound. I read you are now out of the house and somewhere else so that is a done deal. I read you are in therapy (good to hear). What I don't read is you looking for a good divorce lawyer . . . sweetie, you need one and you need one sooner than later. I don't want to harp on this but your relationship does not seem to be a place where you and your wife can come to amicable divorce terms, you need legal advice. Secondly, you need to get your emotional state under control. I know I said this before but it needs to be said again. I am not sure about the laws in the US but in Canada, being TG is not grounds to be denied access to your children. However, it is likely that if your wife hires a lawyer they will go after your emotional state and that is enough to not deny but only get supervised visits. Who is in the house or not in the house is really noise . . . IMHO you leaving was wise (for safety reasons - wife's brother) and also demonstrates that you have the children's interest in mind (no sense in mom and dad yelling all the time in front of the kids).
Sweetie, we are hear for support and sounding board for sure but you need to get professional legal advice now and I don't know how much more directly I can put that. Let your lawyer deal with the pending divorce and you concentrate on getting well emotionally.
Hugs
Isha
If it means anything I remember music and sensations that my parents claim I must only have been around a year old. I can remember the music, what I saw and innocent kid logic terror.
I give her the benefit of the doubt. On the same note, is there not a psychologist/psychiatrist in the lot here that can provide factual information about how early we can have feelings such as this or keen awareness arise. I am a voice of one, and the OP makes our sample an n=2. Not much outside interesting anecdotal.
On another more important note Billie, I echo Isha's thoughts. We are here to listen and hopefully help. Ware posting here vs many other threads because of our concern and want to help in some way get through this time. Deep breaths, we are posting because we care about your situation. We are not perfect either.
Speaking of not being perfect (Lord help me)that I need to re-do my nails. I am a butcher at this at times. It looks as if I tied a nail brush to a chickens foot and did my nails last time. Sheesh
Hoping all goes better today for you Billie !!!!!!!!
Vanny
Last edited by Vanessa Rose; 01-24-2014 at 08:15 AM.
I am working with self help from the courts and if I have an attorney (to expensive) they can't help. But I know that I may need someone to represent me if I go to court, so I'm not completely disregarding that option. So I'm still looking and talking various lawyers. I know my SO is trying to use the fact that is take meds (she does to), I have had thoughts of suicide in the past, and I went to an in/out patient program; so I will have the label major depression with no psychosis follow me around for the rest of my life. I only had a mental breakdown because of my SO and how things in my life drove me there. Me not dealing with I truly am drove me there. I feel more stable then I was a few days ago and I have reached the same emotional state that got me to an in/out patient program. I not allowing myself to go there again, but I know the SO is very manipulative and is trying to drive me to that state of mind. That's why I left out of the home and doing things the right way. What is going on has not impacted in living my life as normal, such as going to work. There's a couple people who I hangout with and we confide in each other. They actually told me I was brave, strong, and that I'm still at work with a smile on my face. In still going to my clients homes, which are children, to work on their behavioral goals.
I have not talked to my children since Wed. afternoon when I came home real quick for lunch. When my lunch break was over and I was driving away to go to another clients home, both looking out the front window watching me leave. My son was yelling out the window that he loves me. I tried calling the SO's phone a few times since then leaving a voicemail and text, but I never got a response until I got a text at 9 last night. It said they were eating dinner and they were on the phone with her grandmother. She was going have them give me a call later, but that never happened.
if you think having a lawyer is expensive try NOT having one!
OK so its been a few days and things have calmed down a bit? Its up to you but I would not let your wife kick you out of your house and keep you from your children, thats just me. It sets a precedent that you really don't want to set. If she doesn't want to be around you then thats her deal, she can go get her own place. I think its only fair that the one who wants to end the marriage should be the one to leave.
The biggest mistake I see TS woman make is to take on all the blame for a failed marriage. It takes two to tango and your wife has already displayed some really immature, unreasonable and entitled behaviour. don't let her bully you, which is what she is doing.
Last edited by Aprilrain; 01-24-2014 at 02:12 PM.
It sounds to me like you really do not understand what will happen to you if you do not get a lawyer. A GOOD one.
My first wife got the house, she got everything in it, 1 of the kids - I got 2, and I had to pay her my entire pay less $200 a month for me and the 2 kids I had. I had to pay that for years and years. We had to live on $200 a month. Miss 1 payment and go to jail. And I did have a lawyer. She had a better one.
All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?
Financially I'm in a good place and from the advice I have received from the self help at the courts and what I researched; because my SO makes three times as much as me, we spend equal time already with the kids, and I filed for joint, and when I get my own place. I will not have to pay child support, but she have to pay that to me. Also she could pay spousal support, but I'm not the type of person to do that to her. I'll let the courts decide what happens.
In the last couple day I have been sending text to her and today she sent a message saying that I sound so different, she wants what's best for the children, and that she hopes everything gets resolved in the best way possible for everyone involved. This is a good thing and tells me that things have calmed down, now it's time to keep it that way and keep the tension down.
Last edited by Billiejosehine; 01-24-2014 at 04:16 PM.
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