Hello everyone. I'm new here. But I'm not doing an introduction here. I was hoping this section of the forum is the appropriate one for what I'm posting. If it's not, I'm sorry. I don't mean to violate rules.
I am genetically female, if that has anything to do with it. Recently I've had my mind opened to the world of CD & TS. While it's a lot for me to grip at first, I think I'm slowly getting the understanding and acceptance of it. It's hard for m to comprehend everything. I mean, gender identity still confuses me. & while you read this, please don't judge me too hard. I had to figure this stuff out on my own & try to expand my mind to let everything all in. I haven't had anyone to talk to about it, and some of my thoughts may be hurtful, though I sincerely hope I'm not hurting anyone. That is NOT my intention.
But my boyfriend came out to me one day, telling me that he likes to wear bras & panties as a turn on. He was very fearful, hesitant & even tried to get me to drop the topic (before he even told me what the topic was). But I'm that annoying type of person who is relentless in the pursuit of wanting to know. He told me that it's an occasional thing. That he found he liked it after a truth or dare thing he did with an ex when he was in high school. I knew of the truth or dare thing, but not how it affected him. After he told me, I kinda shut down. I didn't want to laugh because I knew what that alone could do to someone. But I couldn't answer him right away.
What I knew of CD was drag queens & Rupaul. I couldn't see my boyfriend like that, not even the slightest.
He was getting scared from my silence & I knew I had to say something. I remember the sheer panic on his face & I felt so bad for not saying or doing anything sooner. I finally told him, "They're just clothes. & it's ok." I'm not sure why he needed my acceptance but I knew it meant a lot to him. He hugged and he kissed me, took a moment for the adrenaline to pass then he told me he was afraid I was going to break up with him or worse.
The mentioning of us breaking up has always been a torn in my heart. It just kills me to hear anyone, especially him, talk about it. I asked him what could be worse than that? & he told me he was afraid I was going to force him to become a sissy .
Never have I ever heard that term but I was horrified by it. I hate the word anyways.
I've gone through the questions: is he gay? why is he with me? does he want to become a woman?
And while I am wholeheartedly assured he's not gay (there's tons of things I base this on but that's not pertaining to the topic at hand). & I truly believe he's with me because he loves me (but also because he's straight. I had to add that in because it's part of m reasoning.) As for the last question, he has to answer that for me to know, but I don't think he does. I don't get that feeling but it's still something I've pondered over.
Now this is the part I'm ashamed of, and you may look down on me, but I set up a test for him. Nothing major. We were watching a movie, and in it I knew there was a gay guy who CD'd when he could. There was a scene when the guy was in short shorts & lipstick (it actually looked good on him, I give credit where it's due.) & my boyfriend's reaction puzzled me. He made comments about how guys shouldn't wear shorts that short or that tight. That only women use makeup. & I'm not sure what I was gaining from this "test" but the movie was good, & left me more confused about my boyfriend.
He hates makeup & girly things. He even hates when I wear makeup or nail polish. Though he's kindly offered to be my nail model when I wanted to create a new nail design, but he'd always tell me that he was joking (even after he confessed) & nail polish was stupid & he hated when I used it.
He's never wanted a female persona, or act particularly feminine. He says he's a guy. The only pronoun he uses is "he", etc. (I'm glad about the alter ego. I'm a jealous person, I hate it about myself & try to work on it. But I feel if he had another version of himself, I would get jealous, that I'd lose him, & that freaks me out.)
He's asked me to wear my bra once, but that's it. (& why would anyone want to wear a bra?? In my opinion they're a pain in the ass lol) He has no problem shopping for lingerie with me, which I'm glad, because I only buy that stuff with him in mind. I don't normally wear lingerie so when I do, I know it's something he wants to see me in, something he finds me sexy in.
In my long post, I'm lost. I don't understand somethings. I actually joined this forum because I need to talk to people. People who have been there, or who know a lot more about this topic. I am naive, I'll admit. But my boyfriend leaves me stumped. He rarely asks or does CD, & it's only bras that I'm witnessed (and even then, he didn't do it). I'm just confused. I honestly just need a friend or two to talk to, to help me when I miss a step along the way.