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Thread: My Journey (thus far)

  1. #1
    Adyson Saikotsu's Avatar
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    My Journey (thus far)

    I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while, as a means of sorting myself out. What I want out of this post, is to hear what you all think. I also want this to be interactive, so by all means, ask me questions if you have them. In answering you, I just might find the answers I'm looking for. After all, the best way to learn is to teach.

    So let's begin. I began this journey 25 years ago. I never really had the feeling that I "should be a woman," nor did I feel like I was born in the wrong body. And yet, from roughly 7 onward , I would often wonder, "what would it be like to be a girl. Would I still have the same friends? The same interests? Would I be treated differently? Would I still be living the life I am today?" I would look at girls and wish I could trade places with them for a day. Experience things from their point of view.

    As I entered college, I started to acquire my first collection of female clothes. Gradually, and with the help of my girlfriend, I pushed myself to try on different articles of clothing, each time drawing a line at, "I'll never wear a bra/skirt/blouse/dress" etc. I ended up crossing each and every line, though I'll never own a pair of heels (I think I mean it this time)

    Then my mom discovered some of my clothes when I moved back in with my parents. I was forced to purge them at her behest, though a couple of items managed to survive, and ended up being the beginnings of my current collection. For a while, I felt free, as if I had been liberated from a very tough, ethical question. Everything had been resolved. But then, one day, I found myself digging through the trash where I had deposited my favorite (at the time) bra. I felt a surge of relief when I discovered that it was still there. This of course caused all sorts of questions to emerge. Just what the heck was I? Was I a pervert, who needed women's underwear to be aroused, (the answer to that I would later discover, was no. I find no sexual gratification from crossdressing.)

    I went through a lot of heartache trying to figure out my sexuality during that time. Eventually, I settled on "lesbian" because it felt right. I'm only interested in girls. However, the term isn't quite accurate, for a couple of reasons which I'll explain below.

    Flashforward to the present. I'm living in my own place, I've purchased several breast forms (each of which I love for different reasons), and I even ordered a v-string gaff (huge disappointment). I wear panties almost every day, and I have a hard time sleeping if I have to sleep as a male (as I often do when visiting friends and family). Just last night, I tried sleeping in my boxers, and I couldn't do it. I had to switch back over. I can still sleep without my forms and/or a bra, but I don't like to. I forget what prompted it, but my girlfriend and I had a minor argument about something and I capitulated. She smiles and me and says, "good boy," which immediately caused me to pause and frown. She then nods in understanding and rephrases it as, "good girl" and I was happy again. And yet, it caused a bit of turmoil for me. You see, at night, when I'm home alone, or with my girlfriend, I often "switch over". However, when in public, or when at work, I present as male. I've been living a double identity, and I actually like doing so. There are times when I'm walking along and I see my reflection, and I'm incredibly proud to be a man. And yet there are times when I'm at home, wearing a skirt and my forms, and I really really wish I could wake up as a woman. Some days, I don't want to leave my bed and go to work, because that means switching back over. Sometimes I lay awake at night, wishing I could switch between the two on a whim, like my avatar. And yet, I identify sexually as "lesbian".

    Up till now, I've embraced having both genders in me. I'm both Adam and Adyson. But lately, Adyson has been winning the tug of war, and I'm growing concerned that my journey won't stop until I've fully crossed the line. I get this feeling that no matter what form my body takes, I'll always want what I don't have. I'm proud of the life I've made for myself as a man. I don't want to throw away that part of me. And yet, I want to fully experience the other side. I need to find a way to make peace with both sides, to figure out what exactly I am, and to figure out who I am. The idea of transition scares me, and yet, I've kinda been undergoing a lifelong transition up to this point. Anyway, thoughts, questions, feedback, all are welcome. Thanks for reading all this.

  2. #2
    Member Jesse Six's Avatar
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    Hi Saikotsu,

    Quote Originally Posted by Saikotsu View Post
    Sometimes I lay awake at night, wishing I could switch between the two on a whim, like my avatar.
    That really resonated with me. The 'double identity', the ability to effortlessly move between, it's a pretty powerful fantasy of mine.
    "Your hands are cold but your lips are warm..."

  3. #3
    Full Geek Status Adriana Moretti's Avatar
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    when I lived alone...I felt the same way you did.....having your own place gives you that freedom..especially if you are single ( but your not)...You want to go all the way with it...I can relate...I have been known to stay up over 24 hours not wanting to switch back

  4. #4
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    Balance.
    Both personalities deserve appropriate time "out" to be themselves (how would you like to be stuck in a cage forever?)
    As you age and responsibilities change (or stress levels changes), the balance will probably change.

    For me, with 4 daughters, I tend to dress girly (skirt and top) 2 nights a week and get out for coffee and shopping fully dressed up once a week.

    I currently have homestay students so my balance is off and within a few days more, I'll get moody/depressed, so I need to get out this weekend fully dressed.
    I'm not expecting to transition in this life time, although planning on doing body building when I'm 65 or 70
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

  5. #5
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    I agree with Jesse Six on the quoted line. I remember the first time I was introduced to the TV series that was based on the Manga your avatar is from and thinking "I wish I could do that".

  6. #6
    Junior Member kelly10's Avatar
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    Like Adriana, I have many times extended my day to 4 or 5 in the morning then taken the day off not wanting to switch back. Although I work in guy mode, I am fully under-dressed during the day (stockings or pantyhose, panties, bra, camisole, slip, and I am fully shaved, ie legs (love that), arms and underarms, chest (love that too) etc., but it is not enough. I can't wait to get home to 'get real.' Sometimes I stay home from work just to stay en femme longer and have since high school (I'm 62) (50+ days absent in grades 12 and 13 although I was in the top 3 or better in many classes which drove the teachers crazy!). I simply love being dressed! I don't know why. I don't care why. It is what it is. And I wouldn't change a single thing! Continue to accept yourself and have fun with it. As for transitioning, take it slow. there is no hurry, just get comfortable with where you are, share with your wife and try to enjoy where you are now. Life is an adventure. There are no 'requirements.'
    Last edited by kelly10; 01-24-2014 at 12:04 AM.

  7. #7
    Member Patty-Fay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saikotsu
    I want to fully experience the other side. I need to find a way to make peace with both sides, to figure out what exactly I am, and to figure out who I am.
    What is it you're not experiencing as Adyson? I suggest you experience as much as you can as part-time Adyson before doing anything drastic. Meanwhile, do you have any male-experiences that you enjoy, that would be impeded if you never again became Adam - that would be reason to keep the part of you that is Adam. Perhaps who you are is Adyson+Adam, going back and forth. You really don't have to give up either one.

    BTW- you have an awesome girlfriend!

  8. #8
    Adyson Saikotsu's Avatar
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    @Jesse six
    I'm glad it resonated with you. Hearing that makes me feel a bit better about all this.

    @Adriana:
    Living in my own place has given me a massive sense of freedom, but it can also feel like a cage too. The only time Adyson can be herself is when I'm at home. I'm still too intimidated to go outside en femme. Though I will occasionally go outside onto my patio really early in the morning.

    @Rachelakld
    Balance. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance these two. Though, your words have reassured me that perhaps Adyson is trying to get more time because she has only had a couple of years to be out.

    @JennyMarie
    I often imagine myself in that show, having the same curse as Ranma. The difference in how I'd handle it would of course be that I wouldn't tell people my original gender so I would just be me.

    @Kelly10
    You're braver than me. I often go to work wearing panties, though some pants make that a risky prospect. I occasionally wear boxers. I opened a thread asking about how to hide my bralines because I want to start doing that more. I'm not yet at the point where I'd willingly take off so I could stay en femme, though when I do take time off, I maximize my time as Adyson.

    @Patty Fay
    That's my big dilemma. I wish I could be fully female but I don't want to be fully female all the time. I'm rather attached to the male half of me too.
    The reason the v string was such a disappointment was I imagined it was like a breast form for down under if you know what I mean. An artificial vagina. Man would I love one of those! I'd rather not give up either side, but I wish I could go a bit further too.

    As for my girlfriend, she is absolutely amazing. I love her so much that I do Valentine's day stuff all throughout February.

  9. #9
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    I have been in transition for a while, but in some respects had stalled last year.

    Then I had a medical scare, and at one point asked myself, "What would you do if they told you that you only had one year to live?". My immediate answer was " I would change my name, get implants, and live full time as a woman". Then I asked myself again about 5 years, and my answer was "I might not immediately get implants, but I would change my name, get implants, and live full time as a woman." When I thought about this later, I realized that the implication is that I do want to transition, that when I die I want to die as a woman, and I want to have lived as a woman. And that the 1 year / 5 years bit told me that in a way what I am looking for is an "excuse": Who would deny a dying person the right to live the last of their life the way they wanted to live?

    So... if you were told you only have a year to live, what would you do? And how long did that question take you to answer with a feeling of certainty?

  10. #10
    Adyson Saikotsu's Avatar
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    If I was told I only had a year to live, I'd prove them wrong, because I'm a fighter. But that aside, I'd likely come out of the closet with some very select people in my life. I probably wouldn't feel comfortable doing it in public around them even then, but just the fact that they would know and hopefully accept that part of me would be enough. Then I'd go and travel the world. At some point, I can imagine myself going outside in my camo-cargo pants, my tie die t-shirt, my favorite bra, and my forms securely attached to my chest. I'd probably just get the mail. Actually, the closer I got to death, the more likely I'd start eating my breakfast on my patio, in full view of the world, and I'd be dressed in my black skirt and my leggings. Maybe a blouse, though I seldom wear those. It probably took me less time than it should have, or perhaps more, but it took me a good 15 minutes.

  11. #11
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Adyson - I can feel for you and the struggle you're going through. And while I don't have direct experience of these struggles myself, many on this forum do, and I would suggest you both listen to their advice and trawl plenty of old threads for more examples of how folk do manage to live a life of compromise.
    I think that's the key point for me; many here have managed to live a very successful life blending this dual-gender identity, and you should take heart from that. There must be a way through for you - it might take a bit of compromise, heartache and headache, but you have the support of a fantastic GF and that's worth an immense amount.

    Keep Calm and Carry On! Wish you the best... Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  12. #12
    I just Love being a Gurl! bobbimo's Avatar
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    I'm in the same position!
    It must be our stars are lining up.
    The only thoughts I can offer is that, for me, these feelings really get very strong, then pop, and the daily existence of working, cutting the grass, fixing the cars, all happen. After a few days of beard growth, and the manly stench gets to much, I shower, shave and Bobbi takes her normal place on the earth again.
    I had wrestled with the 'what am i' for a time and I found a 'gender test' on line. It told me that I need both genders in my life to be happy.
    Wow what a relief that was and I am happy with that knowledge for the most part.
    I'd love to be Bobbi a lot more, but this would only happen if I lived in a San Fran mentality zone and not rural VA.
    I hope to hear more of your journey.
    Bobbi
    Aint nothin gonna happen that aint supposed too!

  13. #13
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    I feel you are going through a spell of self analysis.
    You may like to talk it over with someone other than us as well.
    At least you will get a myriad of answers here a lot of them good advice too.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  14. #14
    Adyson Saikotsu's Avatar
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    Thanks for the replies and advice everyone.

    @Katey888
    I'll do as you suggest and see what others have figured out. Having Cora at my side has been a true blessing.

    @Bobbi
    I can relate. I was out of town for the weekend and Adam got a lot of screentime while Adyson had to take a vacation. It felt so great letting her out last night.
    I can't imagine living without either side of me, but there simply aren't enough hours in the day to be both of me.

    @Beverley Sims
    Hello again.
    Yeah, I'm trying to work up the courage to talk with two of my friends. One is a lesbian who remains mostly in the closet and can relate to my situation, the other being an understanding friend who never judges anyone but himself.

  15. #15
    Member Billiejosehine's Avatar
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    I'm sorry that this is long and i hope it makes sense.

    I have experienced a lot of things that you have gone through: want to experience the opposite gender for a day, never had thoughts of being in the wrong body, but wanted to be a woman, always wanted more, tried to create a life as a man, and so many more. I was at war with myself always denying, not accepting, and not be honest and true to myself. The thing is that we all are feminine and masculine since we are conceived. And while we are in the womb our reproductive organs either drop out and our physical self becomes a boy or it stays in and we become a girl. We all need to embrace both sides of our selves (the masculine and feminine) and find that balance in who we are as a human beings. In society we have gotten so caught up in creating these set of rules about each gender that it has become so rigid. So many people are so set in their ways of perception, that anything outside the box is considered wrong because it challenges other peoples perception and ego. Especially when it comes to religious points of view.

    Instead of fighting Adyson in a tug of war and feel like it won't stop till the line is crossed, embrace and accept her. She is part of you and let her have a voice because the feminine part of yourself is just as important as the masculine part of yourself. You had written that you are scared of transition, which is understandable, everyone feels the same way. Change and the unknown can be scary. When something challenges of own perception of who we are as a human being or our view of reality we become fearful and our ego clings on to what we know. Again we all create a certain life based on fitting in to social norms, what we think is expected of us, what we thought what we wanted for ourselves, based on our experiences and ideals, and many more. But everyday we are constantly changing and transitioning into someone different, no matter who you are or what you are going through. Even in death we are still changing and transitioning as our body decomposes. What we do now will determine who we are the next moment.

    Allow yourself to be both if that brings, if you feel happier being Adyson then be Adyson. If you will be happy with the life you created as Adam then be Adam. Don't let other peoples judgement or perception determine your own life and happiness, because your the one living your own life. As I said before you are both so you have the ability to switch between both if that's what you want to do.

    Who in your life knows both sides of you? What are their reactions and view? Remember too that any negative comment, judgement, or view about Adyson is just a projection of the other persons fears and what they have not accepted of themselves.

    In life we seek out another person to create and spend our lives with. Such as a man and woman getting married; this is the masculine and feminine coming together as one; as it talks about in the bible. We forget that our soul mate, SO, our better half is just referring to our opposite selves. When we marry both sides of ourselves, we become balanced as one person, who truly loves themselves for who they are. No one can truly love another unless they love both sides of themselves.

    For me, I have struggled my whole life accepting my other half/self. I still struggle today, but I am more accepting and in embracing Her. My feminine side is the more dominant side and while I am still William, I'm allowing Billie to take the reins here on out, like she always wanted.

  16. #16
    Emerging Diva Nikki A.'s Avatar
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    I think most of us go through this balancing act and trying to find a balance between both sides. As for me it wasn't until I found the nerve to venture out as Nikki that I was able to better figure out what was going on in my mind. I still balance both sides but at least knowing that Nikki does get her chance in the sun makes it easier to balance.
    Mind you, I'm careful when and where I go, but I have been out to mainstream America, restaurants, NYC shopping and other places and believe me I don't think for one minute that I am completely passable.

  17. #17
    Adyson Saikotsu's Avatar
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    Thanks for the feedback, Nikki. The few times I've been Adyson in broad daylight was when I was when I was looking after my parents house in the mountains. I went full en femme and walked around in their secluded backyard away from prying eyes. Or so I hope. I have to admit, being able to feel sunlight on my body as Adyson was a real treat. And being able to feel the wind blowing my skirt gently around, it was amazing. But as before, I felt like I was imprisoned in that backyard. An inmate allowed to roam the prison grounds so to speak. Before I'm even ready to go out in public, I think I need to let some of my friends know about Adyson. To come out of the closet so to speak.

    @Billie.
    Thank you for the long response as well. A lot of what you've said resonates well with me. As for who knows about both sides: my amazing girlfriend, and the members of this forum. I suspect several people have an idea, but none of them have dared ask. I've discussed my dual gender nature to a friend, but I've not let him in on everything. I have another friend I wish to talk with, but haven't had the courage. So yeah. Their reactions are unknown.

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