I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while, as a means of sorting myself out. What I want out of this post, is to hear what you all think. I also want this to be interactive, so by all means, ask me questions if you have them. In answering you, I just might find the answers I'm looking for. After all, the best way to learn is to teach.

So let's begin. I began this journey 25 years ago. I never really had the feeling that I "should be a woman," nor did I feel like I was born in the wrong body. And yet, from roughly 7 onward , I would often wonder, "what would it be like to be a girl. Would I still have the same friends? The same interests? Would I be treated differently? Would I still be living the life I am today?" I would look at girls and wish I could trade places with them for a day. Experience things from their point of view.

As I entered college, I started to acquire my first collection of female clothes. Gradually, and with the help of my girlfriend, I pushed myself to try on different articles of clothing, each time drawing a line at, "I'll never wear a bra/skirt/blouse/dress" etc. I ended up crossing each and every line, though I'll never own a pair of heels (I think I mean it this time)

Then my mom discovered some of my clothes when I moved back in with my parents. I was forced to purge them at her behest, though a couple of items managed to survive, and ended up being the beginnings of my current collection. For a while, I felt free, as if I had been liberated from a very tough, ethical question. Everything had been resolved. But then, one day, I found myself digging through the trash where I had deposited my favorite (at the time) bra. I felt a surge of relief when I discovered that it was still there. This of course caused all sorts of questions to emerge. Just what the heck was I? Was I a pervert, who needed women's underwear to be aroused, (the answer to that I would later discover, was no. I find no sexual gratification from crossdressing.)

I went through a lot of heartache trying to figure out my sexuality during that time. Eventually, I settled on "lesbian" because it felt right. I'm only interested in girls. However, the term isn't quite accurate, for a couple of reasons which I'll explain below.

Flashforward to the present. I'm living in my own place, I've purchased several breast forms (each of which I love for different reasons), and I even ordered a v-string gaff (huge disappointment). I wear panties almost every day, and I have a hard time sleeping if I have to sleep as a male (as I often do when visiting friends and family). Just last night, I tried sleeping in my boxers, and I couldn't do it. I had to switch back over. I can still sleep without my forms and/or a bra, but I don't like to. I forget what prompted it, but my girlfriend and I had a minor argument about something and I capitulated. She smiles and me and says, "good boy," which immediately caused me to pause and frown. She then nods in understanding and rephrases it as, "good girl" and I was happy again. And yet, it caused a bit of turmoil for me. You see, at night, when I'm home alone, or with my girlfriend, I often "switch over". However, when in public, or when at work, I present as male. I've been living a double identity, and I actually like doing so. There are times when I'm walking along and I see my reflection, and I'm incredibly proud to be a man. And yet there are times when I'm at home, wearing a skirt and my forms, and I really really wish I could wake up as a woman. Some days, I don't want to leave my bed and go to work, because that means switching back over. Sometimes I lay awake at night, wishing I could switch between the two on a whim, like my avatar. And yet, I identify sexually as "lesbian".

Up till now, I've embraced having both genders in me. I'm both Adam and Adyson. But lately, Adyson has been winning the tug of war, and I'm growing concerned that my journey won't stop until I've fully crossed the line. I get this feeling that no matter what form my body takes, I'll always want what I don't have. I'm proud of the life I've made for myself as a man. I don't want to throw away that part of me. And yet, I want to fully experience the other side. I need to find a way to make peace with both sides, to figure out what exactly I am, and to figure out who I am. The idea of transition scares me, and yet, I've kinda been undergoing a lifelong transition up to this point. Anyway, thoughts, questions, feedback, all are welcome. Thanks for reading all this.