Wanted to Tell Wife Then....

[Shellycd12]

Hello,

This was the year that i planned to open up to my wife and tell her about my CDing. We have been married for almost 29 years and i love her very much. I do not like hiding anything from her so i was planning to tell her on my Birthday which was on January 21st. But something happened 2 weeks ago that has me questioning how she will take it. My wife and I went to lunch with my older son ay a local fast food place. The lady behind the counter was a CD. She looked very nice but her deep voice and other features, you could tell as did my wife and son.
Well my wife is a new Yorker and very vocal about things. She is really a kind and good hearted women but the laughs and comments i heard really set me back a bit. It was nothing very bad but it has me questioning now if i should tell her.
I do not want to hide anything from her and nothing would make me happier than her acceptance but i do not want to disturb my marriage.
I guess what i am asking is what do you think i should do. I am looking for any advice. Should i tell her or keep hiding it from her for the time being. Was this a sign to me to see how she will accept it.
Thank You.

Shelly

[KayleeTaylor]

You have kept it hidden for 30 years, how will your wife react to that? There is no way to know for sure how your wife will react to any of it. You had already planned to tell her, so it's time to put your big girl panties on and get it over with.

[Shellycd12]

Thank You Kaylee. You are right.
I have only been CDing for a couple of years but had these feelings a lot longer.

Shelly

[Rachael Leigh]

Shelly this is a tough one and I'm not sure how to advise on it. The reaction she had at the fast food place would concern me for sure. Women don't like a lot of change when their world has been so good.
If your marriage is strong and she knows you love her it may be ok but go slow and maybe when the time is right again then tell her. Wish you well
Hugs Leigh

[Shellycd12]

Thanks Leigh

Yes i was thinking about taking it slow now and trying to ease it into conversation now and see how it goes.
Thanks for the advice.

Shelly

[MissTee]

I'm never a fan of deceiving inside an otherwise healthy relationship. Even if you don't come clean you run a risk of being caught, and that certainly won't go well. However, "coming out" can be a game changer and can result in many, many different outcomes ranging at or between full acceptance and divorce papers. Given that, the decision needs to be carefully weighed and you need to be prepared for any potential fallout.

Thus, the decision is not so much should you or shouldn't you tell as it is are YOU ready. Really ready. Good luck, sweetie.

[Wildaboutheels]

This looks pretty simple to me.

1] Do you thinks your wife suspects at all? Keep in mind that more than a few GGs have come to this Forum and stated they NEVER suspected anything [TILL they were told] and some of them say they wish they had NEVER been told.

2] IF you managed to successfully "hide it" all those years, it's easy for you to have gotten your "courage" from this Forum. Is there some reason after 29 years you NEED to tell her?

I hope you are smart enough to NOT listen to those here who will claim that ALL GGs suspect or know. Pure Bullpoop.

3] You do realize that some have come to this Forum and gotten the courage to spill the beans in just a couple of weeks here and then disappeared never to be seen again.

I hope you have a good reason to roll the dice because that's what it is.

[MissTee]

I hope you have a good reason to roll the dice because that's what it is.

. . . And I'm still looking for the "like" button for wildaboutheels' answer.

[Rachelakld]

Ummm, I probably wouldn't mention it, since you couldn't get a positive conversation going over the incident.

For me, I like to push boundaries, so I would probably ask when it's cold, if I could wear tights under my pants, or in bed to keep my legs warm and see how that goes. But your wife and son seem somewhat non-tolerant to different life styles so as above, I wouldn't bother mentioning it to them.

[Shellycd12]

Thank you all for your answers. I appreciate them all very much.
It makes me think about what i should do.

Shelly

[mykell]

just had the reveal 10 days ago,
so if having your stomach tied in a knot sounds appealing,
flashes of court room drama, outing to friends and family, maybe neighbors,
size 11 shoes strewn about the front lawn, yes your ready, worst case,
didn't happen to me but that's what i was prepared for,
currently DADT, box is open (once open cant be shut) and she has the upper hand, i live in NJ,
words of wisdom, when i told her i thought i could follow my script, didn't happen, all she heard is i like wearing dresses,
write a letter, compose your thoughts, re-read your thoughts, make corrections and have it with you for back up,
photo album of past good times, pictures are worth a thousand words,
for me things are close to normal but a song on the radio or stupid comment can change everything at any moment,
i would wait till after valentines day, good luck in whatever you decide, its a tough call....


30 years for me....

[Karren H]

Don't tell her.... better odds it will ruin your relationship.... than live happily ever after...

[Shellycd12]

Mikell, Really appreciate your comments. Thanks.

I am originally from New Jersey and use to party at the Jersey Shore almost every weekend.

Stay Warm.

Shelly

[MatildaJ.]

I have only been CDing for a couple of years but had these feelings a lot longer.

Do you want to tell her because you can sense that you are going to want to dress more, or start going out of the house dressed more? As a GG, I think I might prefer not to know if the whole cding thing would be minimal. But if keeping it secret meant losing many hours each week of shared time, because he started living a secret double life, then I'd rather be told.

[Shellycd12]

Yes. I want to dress more and venture out hopefully with my wife. That is why i want to tell her. Do not get much dress time.

Shelly

[MatildaJ.]

If you're hoping she'll find it fun to share this with you, banish that thought. The odds are high that even if she wants to stay married, she'll see this as an unpleasant new reality, like facing cancer.

Very few wives are happy to learn about this. If she suddenly anounced she wanted to dress up like a Klingon several evenings a week, would you be thrilled or irritated?

[Jenniferathome]

The truth is never a bad thing. Think of the weight removed by opening up. Also, keep in mind that her comments could have been made out of embarrassment, concern for your child or just plain lack of knowledge.

You don't know how it will play out but if your relationship is on solid ground, you will be ok.

[Katie_Did GG]

I want to dress more and venture out hopefully with my wife. That is why i want to tell her. Do not get much dress time.

Then this isn't something you actually want to share with her this news I mean. It is a means to an end. Not a good reason to turn her world upside down IMHO.

It's been your secret all this time keep it. If this was the only reason my husband had for sharing with me he is a cross-dresser I would not want to know. Why? It would have shown me that the dressing was more important than my well being or happiness. It isn't actually sharing so much as getting permission because once the cat is out of the bag many feel they have free rein to do as they want. They wrongly assume the worse that could happen has already when that is not true.

I know my words will not be welcome news. I am sorry for that. But do not expect her to welcome this news. Don't expect her to think it'd be a good idea to go out with you dressed to the 9's. Chances are very strong it won't turn out that way even if she stays with you. Not all stay and of those that do several are never comfortable with the news. Do not discount the reality for her is you will become a stranger. And it will be true, she never really knew you. Not like she thought.

We are not talking about a young couple who grew up in the Internet age and at a time when things like CD are not as shocking. Look at the new GG members and you'll see the older the couple the harder this news seems to be for the wife or g/f.

I wish you well but do some more thinking before you decide to tell her. Do not get dutch courage here and false security that all will be great. There is no way to know for sure but based on her reaction to the cashier do you really think she'll enjoy seeing her hubby dressed?

So I have to second Jess' words that telling isn't always the answer. And hope reason and compassion rule the day rather than a case of "I want" I have simply seen to many hurt when it was not something they ever "had" to know.

[heatherdress]

Sorry Shelly, but the only thing anyone here can do is offer an unprofessional opinion without appropriate knowledge of your wife or your relationship. It's your call. Seems you have a lot to risk, a 29 year marriage, for the possibility of dressing more frequently with her knowledge and support.

You don't what to hide anything from her but you have already been doing that. Why? Maybe you already know after 29 years she will be hurt or unaccepting?

Seems like you have several questions to ask and decisions to make:

- Tell her or let your crossdressing continue to remain hidden
- If you decide to finally tell her, how are your going to do that
- If you decide to remain silent, will you be satisfied with the inability to increase your crossdressing activities
- If you don't tell her, will your guilt increase
- Are you willing to risk eventual discovery if you don't tell her

Good luck. Do what is right to do, not what is easy to do.

[Stephanie47]

If you reveal your cross dressing your relationship will forever be changed. She will never see you in the same light. Several of the GG's have given you the female perspective on cross dressing. Put yourself in her place. There is no easy way to slip this into a conversation. She will have a mental image of you in a dress-a man in a dress and not a woman in a dress. If you have been married for almost thirty years she has become accustom or familiar with you. She knows your quirks. Some of your faults may just roll off her back like water off a duck. This is a big rock to throw in a small pond.

I'm not going to tell you what to do. I will recommend that you analyze the consequences of your actions. The worse is fairly obvious. There goes one half of the community assets. There goes one half of your pension plan. There goes the house, the sale of which can be ordered by a judge. Of course, your wife may say, "hey, that's great. Let's go downtown and buy a new wardrobe for you!" That is not realistic. You may end up in a DADT marriage with established mutually accepted boundaries.

I would also do some self reflection and try to figure out if there is a 'trigger' that caused or encouraged you to start dressing several years ago. Is there stress in your life?

I really hate to see a mature person in a long term marriage thrown it all away with the throw of the die. I also have to wonder what you really expect your wife to get out of this revelation.

The comments made in the restaurant by your wife may give you an indication of her viewpoint on cross dressing and transsexuals. When my wife and I had that conversation, she asked why I had not told her. I asked her if she remembered the conversation she and her cousin had about a mutual female friend who tossed her cross dressing husband out the door at the first mention of cross dressing? She didn't. I told her their reaction was ingrained in me. You would have thought that husband was a child rapist. How was I to come clean with their position so anti cross dressing. We'll I'm in a nice DADT marriage. However, it took more than a decade for her to reconcile the fact that I was otherwise the nice husband I am.

Tread lightly. Think it through.

[Sissy_in_pink]

Why not just ask her about her reaction to the CDer at the fast food joint, if she gives you very negative answers then I suggest keeping it to yourself.

[laciewhite]

Hello,


I do not want to hide anything from her and nothing would make me happier than her acceptance but i do not want to disturb my marriage.

shelley i wish i could give you advice but your quote above basically describes my exact same situation. i wouldn't care who else knew about my CDing now..but my wife of 20 years still does not know and its agony for me but i'm so afraid of the trouble it might cause. let's hope we both sort things out eventually/
love
lacie
xxx

[PaulaQ]

@Shellycd12 - listen to the GG's here. There ARE women who'll enjoy your CDing - but as near as I can tell, they are nowhere near the majority. Most of the women I've talked to here don't like it.

A couple of more things to consider as reasons NOT to tell her:
1. YOU may feel better getting this off your chest - but unless you are willing to be OUT, she now has to keep your secret.
2. You'll likely make her question a LOT of things that aren't easily answered:
- what's this say about her sexuality
- what's this say about your sexuality
- how does she deal with the notion that you aren't exactly "normal" anymore
- how does she deal with the notions that SHE isn't exactly "normal" anymore if anyone finds out

The odds are not good that she'll enjoy sharing this with you. It does happen, it really does - but it's not probable.

[Teresa]

Hi Shelley,
Like many of us you're in a no win situation, you know if you don't tell her it's going to screw you up (my thread about going ballistic) or if you get caught out is that worse than telling her ? Have you thought back to when and how it started, if you understand yourself you may be able to put it over better if you decide to tell her. Mikell could have a point try writing it down, I am more convinced now that we are born like it.
,

[VeroS]

I agree with Stephanie who said you need to analyse the consequences. If you tell your wife, what is the worst that could happen and is this outcome acceptable to you? I know at least one CD who decided that his marriage didn't mean as much as being able to dress and go out. He's still with his wife but the relationship is different and probably not stable long term. But I don't get the impression that you would be prepared to sacrifice your marriage.