I told a gf when I was in my early 20`s, ( we had been dating @ 2 years ) I vowed never again after that ( once bitten, twice shy ). She broke up with me, then told all our friends. Hence, the reason i`m married 20+ years and still in the closet.
I told a gf when I was in my early 20`s, ( we had been dating @ 2 years ) I vowed never again after that ( once bitten, twice shy ). She broke up with me, then told all our friends. Hence, the reason i`m married 20+ years and still in the closet.
It depends on several things
1) do they really care if you dress?
2) can they talk to YOU about it?
3) is it something that they feel is important to share? (or they are vindictive as we have seen here)
4) They talk to their GFs about EVERYTHING you do in private
Most DADT marriages will keep it in the family. And as someone mentioned earlier, if you don't keep secrets from each other but are up front, I would guess this would stay between the two of you. If you come out to friends and neighbors, you are fair game to everyone. Personally I have never been in that situation. When I "came out" I no longer was concerned about what others thought. If they didn't like it, it wasn't important to me. My wife knew for 20 plus years, di she tell? Yes, she did, her best friend's husband is a CD and they could discuss it together. Beyond that? No one else knew unless I told them. Since my GF knew from the start and we went out together..in public..to places where people knew HER even if they didn't recognize me, it wasn't a problem. But could she keep a secret? She is the one who kept things from me until she died..so I would say "yes". Thus, some people can keep secrets very well if they want.
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
My BFF I came out to several years ago and she says she says its hers and mine's business and nobody elses.
I am pretty she has mentioned it to some of her gay friends but I really don't mind.
I have an inkling she told her sister but thats OK too.
There are 3 people who I told, not because I wanted to come out, nor because I wanted anyone to know. It was the need to be honest in a relationship. First mistake was my 1st marriage, not the marriage or the telling part it was that I didn't say something prior to being married. I have all my children as a result, and did anyone know during! Probably not, after possibly! After the divorce I told a girlfriend I was dating. Why? Because the Ex made a statement to the effect of " You wait until she finds out the truth about you " So I figured better the GF finds out from me than someone else, namely the Ex! Well, that did not end the relationship there or in my first marriage. Both ended for a host of things but my dressing had no role to play in either end. So did more people find out! Maybe, a strong possibility so! What I learned from both experiences is that I cannot live in fear of what someone might find out about me especially when it has no bearing on who I am or the person I am. I also realized it doesn't matter what people who know might say or think behind my back or to others regarding me. As of yet no one has ever asked me the question if I do dress. So either it doesn't matter to anyone or they might be more likely to be embarrassed more than I would should it be brought up. So learning from my past, my mistakes, and everything else that might have been directly the result of my dressing. I told my current wife shortly after we started dating. Why? I gave her a choice and I did not repeat history to hide myself in shame and guilt in fear of when that next time came that the cat was out of the bag!
So It worked for her, it worked for me. We were married, it doesn't matter who knows prior to US! The beauty of it all is the the Both of Us could care less what anyone knows or thinks.
Last edited by samanthasolo; 01-25-2014 at 01:47 PM.
So based on that, each one tells another until.....in a very short time, everyone in the world knows, because people usually have difficulty keeping their mouths shut. As a kid, the father of one of my friends (who we always thought was in the 'mob') casually mentioned, "do you know how many people it takes to keep a secret? One." I've remembered that to this day, and it's quite correct. women bond through discussion, and they are much more likely to share intimate knowledge within their social circle. As children, boys are always told that it's not gentlemanly to 'kiss and tell' about what we do intimately with the girls we date, but girls share EVERYTHING with their 'besties' about the boys in their lives; that doesn't stop when they're grown up. At work I routinely hear stuff about women's SO's that I know those guys don't know are being shared with the world. BAsically, if the person you've told, ever told YOU any intimate knowledge about someone else, then you can be absolutely sure that they are sharing YOUR secrets with others as well.Originally Posted by Sally24
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Luca and I just talked about this the other night. He told his sister in law. She ended up blabbing to her husband (his brother) and we were discussing the possibility that other family members already know.
You have to remember that a secret is always going to be someones burden. By telling a wife/SO and asking her to keep it, you may have just passed the weight off of your shoulders to her. When Luca and I discussed me telling my best friend, we both anticipated her telling her boyfriend knowing that it was a likely hood. CDing is a JUICY piece of gossip and some people just can't WAIT to let it roll off their tongues.
I'm at that point in life where I thankfully no longer care what people think. I do, however understand that some people would be hurt by learning about my crossdressing, and I do not want to be the source of their hurt.
People love dirty laundry, and when you spill the beans about this that's some pretty dirty laundry. Years ago my wife wanted to tell her best friend because she was divorced and was always over and she knew that she would be cool about it. I didn't want to tell her and thank God we didn't because a few years later they had a fight and she was talking bad about my wife and just imagine the fun she would have had with my secret. I guess if you want to stay in the closet, just stay in the closet.
Wife has known and supported for more than 3 decades. Has told no one. It's our little secret and we both prefer to keep it that way. I guess the message is that in a relationship where a high degree of trust exists then CD-ing won't be a secret between husband and wife> Likewise, together THEY decide how THEY will manage it.
Clearly, I acknowledge my wife and I are the exception rather than the rule. Be careful out there.
I'm with Sally. When I have come out to someone, I always say that while I didn't want it spread far and wide, I wanted them to be able to tell someone so they didn't have a pent up secret. It has worked really well as they tell someone and it tends to deadend there.
I would tell someone but I am terrified to tell my SO. Crap, I have already been married and divorced once and that was for being honest. My mother's word's of sympathy, "what were you thinking, honesty is not always the best policy." Words to live by I tell you.
In my experience, NO ONE can keep a secret forever.
Your secret will likely be kept until they are mad or part ways with you as BFF. Once out if the bag, a secret like cd'ing is too juicy not to share. In most cases that is!
Vanny
My wife is much more private than I am. I actually don't care anymore who knows about me and she is the one sticking point in holding me back! So actually, in this case the opposite is true! I wish she would just blurt it out so that I could move on from here! Some people don't want to know a secret because they don't believe they can trust themselves, but I know a great number of armed forces personell that most definitely keep secrets!
After I told my wife about me, she swore that she hadn't and wouldn't tell anyone as she couldn't. I assumed my secret was safe. A few years down the line I know she has told at least 2 people and who knows how many people they've told!
Other than wives or SOs if you tell anyone else be prepared to own up to it. I've told a coworker of mine and her family knows and I've been out with all of them as Nikki and been to the house dressed also. Then again I felt that I was doing nothing wrong and I had nothing to be ashamed of. Since that time other know about me and I really am comfortable with it.
It must, at some level be so liberating though. Right? I've never told anyone, granted I'm just coming to terms with it myself, but I can say, that my biggest hope is that I get to tell someone I trust about my desire, and hopefully share this with them... But tis also my biggest fear to not be well received
If your SO has a best friend that they have know for ever, and share everything with, it not a secret any more.
If you don't have the relationship with your wife to trust her with your secret then you better keep it to yourself.
If you go out in public you probably will never know just how many others you know that may read you without ever saying a word to you but may tell others.
I have often wondered why it is so much easier to share this secret with strangers than it is the one who is closest to us.
I have a GG friend at work who knows, and another GG who I have known for a very long time. I have never had an issue with either and trust them.... it's been a learning experience for me and them. To be able to talk with someone about what I've bought or seen or experienced, and not be taken as a freak or misfit, was worth the risk for me.
The danger of a secret getting out is greatest when it is to the knowing person's advantage to repeat it. If the social attention a juicy story brings becomes more attractive to them than your respect then your secret will be out.
I have a few people in my community who know. My wife and daughters do not concern me as they are trustworthy. My electrologist knows and she understands that loose lips will lose her some very lucrative clients.
The other people who know are not in my community and are either TG themselves or only know Eryn.
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
When I came out to my wife, I told her she could tell whoever she wished. I said that I considered crossdressing to be private, but it wasn't a secret. I still feel that way.
It's not my secret to share. I wouldn't tell because I have no desire to hurt my husband. I come here so I can safely talk with others about it without fear of hurting my husband. YMMV and I do believe those who have posted that spouses have outed them. I think it's a lousy thing to do but just because someone else's spouse tells does not mean all of us would.
While there have been times I was hurt and angry it never occurred to me to do something as shameful as outing him. You don't return a trust by breaking it.
Last edited by Katie_Did GG; 01-28-2014 at 12:45 AM.
What a profound significance small things assume when the one we love conceals them from us.
Marcel Proust
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