for over 30 years i have 'managed' my CD fetish carefully and efficiently. it has always been a private secret thing i do alone, and i have always had clear boundaries and rules about how far i can allow myself to go. there have always been fantasies about more extreme behaviour, but that was all they ever were, fantasies.
but since i allowed my CD persona to have an online social life, i have noticed the following..
urge to crossdress in general = dramatically increased
urge to crossdress more completely and convincingly = dramatically increased
urge to take potentially incriminating pics of self crossdressed and post on the internet for all the world to see = dramatically increased
urge to look at images of other CDers on internet (including explicit sexual content) = dramatically increased
urge to meet/play with other CDers in the physical world = dramatically increased
urge to meet/play with MEN in the physical world = dramatically increased
urge to fess up to all the above to blissfully ignorant GG SO and risk disastrous consequences = dramatically increased
time spent dwelling on all the above when i should be thinking about other things = dramatically increased
i feel like i'm sat on the edge of a precipice and if i jump in my whole life will be changed forever. i joined a UK based CD contact site a while back. even though i specified in my profile that i did not want to meet, i still got regular PMs from hopeful men and CDers telling me how HOT i was and how much they wanted to meet me. some told me exactly what the wanted to do to me. i wasn't shocked. i was flattered and excited. all these years i assumed everyone would think i looked ridiculous if they saw me dressed and suddenly finding that others find me sexually desirable was just an amazing revelation.
there are people in my home town who want to meet me for sex. my fantasies could become reality. all i have to do is arrange times, dates, places.
and even if i told my SO, maybe she could accept the secret crossdressing but there's no way in hell she would accept me fooling around with other men. so if i started doing that i would be moving into a whole other level of guilt and secrecy.
so anyway, this morning i deleted all my profiles on contact sites. i've decided not to be selfish and try and get back to where i was before. i'm gonna stick around on this board for a while though. its different here and i've made some good friends. but if i do disappear from here you know why.
i'm not going to let the internet make me do it.