Never Give Up, Never Surrender
Hello it is been a few months since I've posted here on this forum. I have returned to talk about my attempt to "quit" cross-dressing that I started over year ago. The word quit is in quotations because I have a slightly different definition than is commonly accepted. This post may be long because it will contain over a year's worth of experience. But I would hope that you read it especially if you're interested in the subject of quitting cross-dressing. So where to start?
The Beginning
In the spring of 2012 I purchased my first home. In cross-dressing terms that meant a very big closet all to myself. Something that was secure, safe, and private from possible discovery from roommates. I took advantage of this newfound privacy, for the first time I purchased multiple outfits, shoes, and lingerie to wear. I had the idea that I could just simply and happily dress when I want and not worry about drama in my life. But as the song says "you can't always get what you want", and the mere act of dressing cause more drama in my life than ever despite the fact that I was alone. It started early that summer was the subject of my first post on this forum. When I was bored at work the fantasy of cross-dressing would fuel my desire to cross-dress. But when I got home and could actually dress all the fun and pleasure that builds up in my head never materialized when I would dress. I would only get a short lived thrill in the beginning from putting the clothes on, but soon boredom would set in as it dawned on me that I didn't look or feel as sexy, glamorous, or feminine as I imagined. This roller coaster took me on a ride all of that summer until by October the act of cross-dressing made me feel ugly and hopeless. I simply had to quit because I can go on living like this.
The Problem
There is nothing wrong with cross-dressing in general it's just that I know cross-dressing is wrong for me. Cross-dressing has given me such exhilarating sensations, thrilling feelings, and such captivating fantasies in the past, so why would I want to give it up? Because despite all those emotional highs it never fulfills me. To me it is like chewing gum to cure starvation my tongue gets all the flavor in my mouth salivates but my stomach never gets full and in the end my appetite is just taunted. I have no desire to dress in my real world. I've no desire to dress around friends and family nor do I desire to dress while doing my other hobbies or other mundane chores in life. Cross-dressing's fun, for me is limited to minor aspect of my life and for all the time, effort, emotion, and money I feel compelled to put into it, it's just not worth it. When I cross-dress my feelings became obsessed in a torrent of desire for the perfect breastforms, the perfect wig, the perfect dress, the perfect shoes all to try to achieve the perfect feminine image for just a brief time. I was getting depressed because my overweight, balding, hairy, thirtysomething male self was not looking like a young hot 20 something female supermodel. This was the height of ridiculousness. I never once felt bad about my looks when I dress in male clothes in fact I do feel downright handsome in the right set of clothes. In the end cross-dressing only complicates my life by sending me on a pursuit of a woman that can never be and that I truly do not want to be. When I'm not thinking about cross-dressing my life is more relaxed and at ease, I could feel more like my true self. I feel more confident, outgoing, and feel more optimistic about my life. But it's hard to quit cross-dressing because it is a part of me.
Quitting is hard so change the definition
I have tried to quit before then in a few weeks or a few months I would find myself cross-dressing again. And in reading the folks here the common consensus is that quitting is impossible. But for me I couldn't go on cross-dressing I had to do something. So I remembered back to the times I quit before and realized I didn't quit cross-dressing, cross-dressing quit me. There were times when the "pink fog" would subside and I got it in my head that I didn't need to cross-dress anymore which left me unprepared for when it returned. Here I was confident that I was no longer a cross dresser only to be blindsided and feel helpless when it came back. It was this hopeless feeling that got me into the habit of simply cross-dressing when ever I felt the urge, rather than fighting it. Which was the predicament I found myself in an summer of 2012. I started to think of ways of avoiding falling and that same trap. I first realized that I was never going to get cross-dressing out of my head, I was never going to stop liking the fantasy. But the fantasy is not what I have trouble with it the actual act of cross-dressing that causes trouble for me. So I would hold on to the fantasy to keep myself from denying to myself that I like cross-dressing. And just like I got used to giving into the urges by dressing, I needed to get used to or wean myself off of dressing by exercising resistance to those urges. I also did not set some grand goal for myself like never cross-dressing again. I made the goal to try to get to level where I could cross-dress, simply have some fun for a while, and be able to put it away and not get so obsessive over it. Quitting for me is more about limiting rather than eliminating cross-dressing from my life. Although I must say if I woke up one morning and found it had been eliminated I would be happy.
Things that I've found useful.
Waiting: If I felt the urge to cross-dress I would give myself two or three days to try to resist. Usually after that time it would dissipate or I would find my mind more focused on other things.
Reality vs Fantasy: It is usually fantasizing about my idealized feminine self that drives me to dress. I found that if my fantasy is starting to spill over into reality that I could counter it by remembering on how I actually looked and felt during times of actually cross dressed it tends to throw a wet blanket on the desire.
Getting out: I usually find myself fantasizing about cross-dressing when I'm alone and bored. It's usually best to try to avoid these situations I try to go out more hang out with friends, get involved in more sociable activities, and the like. In the past that the height of my cross dressing there would be times when I had planned out in evening of dressing to have an unexpected phone call by a friend to hang out to get me to put away the clothes to go hang out.
Dressing after the urge dies: Sometimes after waiting two or three days the urge is still there so I would go out to get myself an outfit to dress in. Usually before I got to the store the desired were just go away. Despite this I would still purchase the clothes and go home to dress. Don't walk around my house feeling no joy in the clothes that were supposed to bring me joy. I hoped the lesson would sink in the women's clothes are not the source of happiness. I don't know but maybe more experience being bored in women's clothing would counteract the ideas of women's clothing being a source of fun.
Staying focused: my goal is control the urges rather than the urges controlling me so that cross-dressing does not interfere with the rest of my life. I equate it to a dieter who wants to have a healthier body but has a hard time resisting junk food. It was first practice not eating junk food for a while and then when he does eat junk food only to eat it in small portions until the day he has a healthy body he wants and is able to maintain it by only occasionally eating junk food and in small portions. But the dieter always test the focus on the healthy body he wants.
Progress.
The song says "you can't always get what you want"and that's true but what is also true is "that if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need". That is what I'm doing, trying and in this past year and four months of trying I have gotten what I need. I am cross-dressing less. I feel more in control of my urges and compulsions about dressing. And I feel that I'm focusing my life in a more positive direction. No I have not ceased cross-dressing for good but remember that was not my goal. I recently let myself cross-dress to see where I stood in my goal. And I found myself falling into the same habit as I did before but I was able to recognize it and quickly cut myself off so that I could try again. It's a learning process that may never be over but each step I take I learn more and I feel more in control. And that's what I need most in life is control and the peace of mind that comes from it.
) I can really empathise with many of your feelings. I've had huge gaps in my CD life and while I have gone back to it (as I am now) I don't believe as others do that it can't be beaten. I think with the right mindset and approach, some people will be able to get control back and manage how their CD urges impact their lives.
Originally Posted by heatherdress
