Telling Friends

[(Sara)]

Hey there everybody! :3

I am a student and live in a shared house with 5 other guys I've known and lived with them for almost 2 years now. I've arrived at the point where I no longer feel ashamed of myself like I used to be, being transgender is now something I don't feel I need to hide. In fact, I don't want to live my life as a lie, I'm 21 and feel at this point I can either be me or get firmly in the closet forever. I feel that I am in a locked cage with the keys in my pocket. So, I want to come out to my house mates, knowing that a secret can never be put back, knowing it will spread and knowing there is an inherent risk that I am exposing myself too.

I am not feeling scared of the risk though, I think of worst case scenario and think.. At least I can be me in my own home, I can be who I am. I'm not phased by the bad, because the freedom of expression is what I seek. However I still think, maybe I'm being naive, maybe I've not considered something..

I need advice and am willing to take from any who would like to give!

Thank you!

[KayleeTaylor]

My only advice to offer you would be to have another place to live already lined up.

[Katy120]

"Freedom of expression," to use your phrase, isn't free. There is a cost and sometimes the price is high. Before you start telling your friends, how about telling a counselor or therapist first? Get some professional guidance from someone who understands what you are feeling and who can guide you in making informed decisions about what comes next. You will undoubtedly receive some sincere, well-intended advice here, but there simply isn't a substitute for expert, one-on-one, face-to-face, objective professional advice. It will be money well spent.

[Tracii G]

I don't buy into the living a lie statement and I have heard that a lot.
If you are being yourself living isn't a lie how could it be?
No need in telling your room mates if you think there might be an issue with them.Find another place and start off as you wish, then the new roomies already know you are transgender.
You could incorporate more female clothes into your daily dress at your present residence and see how that works out.Slowly coming out in a way and if they are already friends maybe they won't have a problem with you after all.

Its pretty common to have the urge to tell friends but sometimes its not the right thing to do.
If you choose to come out be ready for for some hurt feelings.Grow some thick skin because you will need it.

[(Sara)]

You don't need to buy into it Tracii, but it is how I feel. I'm dressed soon as I get in my room, when I leave my room I dress male not because I want to present male but because I'm hiding the real me from my friends. That is me living a lie.

Am I missing something here, I am certainly not convinced that people are so backward that I'd feel the need to move out. Surely the world has moved on from pitchforks, if it helps anyone - we all have friends with alternative sexualities. It sounds like scaremongering to me ... transgender isn't that far behind in the modern world is it?

[lingerieLiz]

No one here can tell you what your room mates will act like. We don't know them. People congregate together based on mutual interests and like minded ideals. If your roommates are open about gays and transgendered people it may be no big deal. On the other hand if they are closed minded they can make your life miserable.

Only you can decide. I was lucky enough at your age that the woman I was renting a room from was open minded and even helped me become very passable. The previous woman that I rented from demanded that I move as soon as she figured it out.

[Stephanie Miller]

I don't think anyone here is try to scare you or fall into scaremongering Sara. Nobody means you any harm here. You asked opinions and they gave from their hearts. Many of us have had many, many more years of walking the walk than you have. We have already done what you are about to do. For the most part your life will be different and reactions will be varied. But I'll bet the outcome will be close to the same. Yes the world has changed. In our days (God, that makes me sound old ) we DID have the pitchforks per say. A lot of us have paid the price so that you and others like you can have it just a little bit easier. Please take what they say to heart. We are just looking out for you and others like you.
If societal thoughts were all that different right now, you wouldn't be having second thoughts of even walking out of your room in the cutest dress and heels you have. Sad part is, society has not evolved to the point where your roommates are guaranteed not to have preconceived notions of "macho" and "gay" etc. So, here you are asking us questions.
Good luck to you girl and take heed the advice of those that paved the way. Those that do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

[Lorileah]

I think there are two possibilities here:

One: if you are transsexual then dressing in public and coming out to your roommates is something you need to do

Or

Two: You are a crossdresser, have no plans on living as a woman in real life...you should not come out to your roommates while you are still in school. Why do you need to? If you do because you want to gender express, remember you can't go back later, they will always know after that

[Adriana Moretti]

If your roomates were are all girls......GREAT......but thats not the case....I wouldnt say a word...its 5 against one...dont mess with the Alpha's...maybe get your own place....school will be over soon...hold it a bit longer save yourself the headaches while in school...just my opinion

[DorothyElizabeth]

I am inclined to agree with the majority here. You're young. OH., I know you think 21 is all grown up, but take my word for it, when you are forty or fifty, you'll look back and think, "how young and innocent I was!" Unless you have other living arrangements and other schooling arrangements already lined up, don't tell them. Remember, even if you move, your reputation will still spread like wildfire at the school. You may find a place to live, but you probably spend more waking hours in school than anywhere else. I don't know how many years of schooling you have left - I don't have a feel for the English education system - but it can't be more than five or six at most. That's really a very short time, in the overall scheme of things. I know it seems like a long time, but you'll be surprised at just how quickly four or five years can pass. After youa re out of school and on your own you can be much more relaxed about how and whom you tell.

[Joanne f]

Hello (Sara),
there are so many ways at looking at this but for the moment I will just look at two ( brain does not work to well first thing in the morning) lol, there are your personal feelings that are very important to you which is apart of who you are and the way you live , then there are the things outside of your personal feelings which you have no control over and quite often this can have a bigger affect on you than you would think simply because they are random things that can happen and they come in good or bad packets and one of these is other peoples personal lives and how random things affect them .
There is the possibility that you friends first thought is what will other people think of them ,if their first thought is to support you as a friend then that should be fine if it is not then you could have problems , I know you need to do this so I would just say go slowly as some negative reactions can hit you quite hard ,just find the right balance for now .

[Beverley Sims]

Sara,
It is nice to be as free as a bird, but are your friends willing to support you.
Some things have to stay underground a little.
I had a different scenario when I was your age,
I was the lessee of a house and had three female housemates.
I was encouraged to do things that I enjoyed underground.

[Krististeph]

Be sure to consider these points well before doing anything:

1. Go to your school's student health and psych services first, and explain your worry. The session is confidential.

2. Next, just in case: prepare a backup plan ahead of time. If you feel you would have to move out due to some idiotic intolerance, be ready to move. Get a few friends to be ready to help.

3. Try to ascertain the others' views on LGBT. And remember that though they may seem okay with it, they might not be as much if the issue were so close to them. macho dweebs might feel that the situation makes him look bad to his friends. But hopefully most people are with the times.

4. Knock off the idea of either all or nothing. Not to offend, but if you cannot imagine any other possibilities then perhaps you are not ready for college in the first place. :-/

5. Remember that you all are still developing your brain in terms of social and moral maturity, so it might not be a good idea to test your mates' empathy.

[Marcelle]

... Surely the world has moved on from pitchforks, if it helps anyone ... transgender isn't that far behind in the modern world is it?

Hi Sara,

Telling family and friends about yourself is a personal choice and while we (the community writ large) can provide advice and share personal anecdotes, you are the only one who can make that decision. There is a lot of good advice given so far and I would weigh your options. Your comments above while true (to some degree) does not mean everyone will welcome you with open arms.

I have chosen to come out to several friends and most were fine (mixed reviews) the one person who I thought would be the most supportive freaked and cut off all ties with me. I haven known this person for 32 years, we joined the military together, fought in combat together, he saved my bacon on a few occasions and I took a through and through shot pulling him out of fire. I am/was his daughter's Godfather. Now I am dead to him. He too was open minded and we know lots of people who lead alternate lifestyles but for some reason he could not process this.

Not saying don't do it but then again don't look at this through rose coloured glasses either. My recommendation, is tread lightly and do some soul searching before taking this leap.

Hugs

Isha

[reb.femme]

Hi Sara,

I'm a Londoner and have a fair amount of interaction through work, with your area of the world. No different to mine in the main, but perhaps alpha males are more predominant near you. Unfortunately, when we come out to people we know, the outcome is never a forgone conclusion. Recently told my three sons and it went as expected. Younger two, late twenties and early thirties, no problem. Eldest, in his late thirties, quack quack oops! to my revelation. He'll be OK with me eventually, but does not want to discuss or see.

Friends, mates, roomies, I would be less inclined to divulge my little secret to. You could test the waters in a general conversation, but as I read your passage above, you seem both educated and articulate and I would imagine your friends to be of the same ilk? I hope that doesn't sound condescending as that's not my intention. It's just that your friends may see through the thin veil of my suggestion.

I know some suggest seeing a professional counsellor etc., but my experience says that is not the British way and you will be your own counsel. Unless you are considering surgery at some point, that is. Lorileah makes a good point. Do you have to tell just yet and in regard to where to live post revelation, have you got a plan B?

Rebecca

[Paulacder]

If you have lived with 5 other guys for the last 2 years, I'm sure they have picked up by now that you have a fem. side......Why say anything..

[Dawn cd]

Instead of doing a Big Reveal, you could come out of cover gradually. Like, get your ears pierced. Adopt a more androgynous style. Let them get used to a different you. Of course you have to be ready to field questions, but at least you'll gain a sense of how they'll react.

[ReineD]

It dawns on me that there is a reason why a bunch of guys might be unwilling to accept a crossdressing roommate. To stand by and blindly accept may imply a tacit approval, in other words it would be like aiding and abetting someone who does wrong (in their eyes). This might make them feel as if their masculinity is threatened. You've all heard the maxim, to stand by and do nothing means that the person standing by is just as guilty as the perpetrator?

So the key to getting your roommates to accept might be to clearly state that they don't have to approve of the act of crossdressing, they just need to accept that it is your choice to lead your life as you see fit? Also, be sure to ask if seeing you might upset them. This might make them feel as if you are just as considerate of their feelings as you are in asking for consideration of yours.

And even if some or all of them don't want to see you dressed, at least you won't have to hide your stuff?

[natcrys]

Lot of good advice has been given. If I were you, I'd try to figure out what the attitudes of your 5 housemates are towards LGBTQ issues. Perhaps the situation surrounding the Winter Olympics in Russia can provide an opening... or something similar.

"How about that Putin guy.. with his laws oppressing the gay, lesbian and transgender people?! What a moron!". Their answers could tell you a lot.

When I was living in my first student house ( with 25 other boys and girls).. I only came out to about 5 of them, because I knew there were a bunch of guys who were very narrow-minded and I knew they wouldn't be able to handle a CD in the house.

So, in your case, only if all 5 of them seem to have liberal and open-minded attitudes and views.. only then would I proceed to come out to them. Otherwise, start looking for a new place to live.. because you don't want to live in a house where there might be a (partly) hostile environment.

[Taylor Ray]

Choose your battles wisely! Your beauty and exceptional individuality are not dependent on the opinion of "housemates", especially at 21.

But if you think you want to storm the castle, than by all means full speed ahead!

In a lot of ways people are concerned with their own lives and won't care. They may just get annoyed with having to deal with the drama.

[(Sara)]

I did neglected to mention that, staying hidden has the issue of being caught, when washing clothes, under-dressing or even not locking my room while I'm in the lavatory. Being caught, now that would be very embarrassing and difficult to live with, and it is a danger right now and every day I hide myself. As well as the freedom of expression which is the chief reason for wanting to tell them, I want to be me without fear of embarrassment. If I were to be caught for example, I may not know they know, all the while I'd continue pretending to be just like any guy to them and looking ridiculous. While if I came out I can tell them I'm transgender, they will know why I do what I do and they won't be surprised in future about anything I choose to do as a result.

I am not looking for support per se, I am not a fragile girl, as well as that my long-term girlfriend supports me with all her heart there is nothing I can't share with her about my feelings. She has offered even to be there with me if I choose to tell my friends at home. All I am looking to gain is to be myself, they do not have to accept me. However, it is right and just, in my opinion, to tell them that is who I am, before I start putting my knickers in the wash in broad daylight. After all, they are my friends first, house mates second and their feelings matter.

By the way, I am not in any fear of having to move out. I am not convinced even in my wildest nightmares that would actual happen, not with my friends at least, so you all do not need to be concerned about that. They have all got busy lives of their own, I can't see them going much out their way to persecute me. Also, I think I will go see the University counselling service tomorrow, and it wouldn't do me any harm I suppose. Could be very helpful, I'm sure going to find out!

Thank you all for your advice so far, its fantastic, really is helping me think this through from lots of perspectives. Any more advice would be gladly received!

[SamanthaAnne]

make sure you are ready for what can happen. People might not be ok with it but hopefully they do!

[heatherdress]

I think there are two possibilities here:

One: if you are transsexual then dressing in public and coming out to your roommates is something you need to do

Or

Two: You are a crossdresser, have no plans on living as a woman in real life...you should not come out to your roommates while you are still in school. Why do you need to? If you do because you want to gender express, remember you can't go back later, they will always know after that

I agree with Lorileah. If you are discovered, you can tell them anyway. There seems to be more risk than benefit for disclosure. You are at school and successful graduation should be your priority. You should be close to graduation. Continue doing the things you have been doing. Graduate, seek employment. Stay focused and do not get caught up in friendship drama for now. Your roommates might accept you but you might discover unforeseen problems with others in your class or in your dorm. You have the rest of your life to disclose and to live your life the best you can as who you are. I am glad you are proud of yourself. You should be. Good luck Sara.

[Suzanne F]

Hi Sara,

Telling family and friends about yourself is a personal choice and while we (the community writ large) can provide advice and share personal anecdotes, you are the only one who can make that decision. There is a lot of good advice given so far and I would weigh your options. Your comments above while true (to some degree) does not mean everyone will welcome you with open arms.

I have chosen to come out to several friends and most were fine (mixed reviews) the one person who I thought would be the most supportive freaked and cut off all ties with me. I haven known this person for 32 years, we joined the military together, fought in combat together, he saved my bacon on a few occasions and I took a through and through shot pulling him out of fire. I am/was his daughter's Godfather. Now I am dead to him. He too was open minded and we know lots of people who lead alternate lifestyles but for some reason he could not process this.

Not saying don't do it but then again don't look at this through rose coloured glasses either. My recommendation, is tread lightly and do some soul searching before taking this leap.

Hugs

Isha

Isha
I am so sorry about your friends reaction. I so applaud your courage. I too have had a tough discussion with a life long friend. He did not totally reject me but did reject me being Suzanne. Maybe that is one and the same thing. I am not sure, he tried to make that distinction. Anyway I just want to say what a fine person you seem to be.
Hugs
Suzanne

[Katy120]

Sara, please remember you won't be telling just five people if you come out to your five flatmates. Like a pebble in a pond the news will ripple out from your roommates to your circle of friends and acquaintances with all of the accompanying fog of second, third, and fourth hand information. Obviously only you can make such a decision since only you know all of the dynamics involved. My hope is that you will make a carefully considered decision. Best wishes.