Asking the "Why? Question . . . Do we need to?

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

I have the day off today and thought I would post another musing of my mind for discussion and comment. I know . . . oh, oh here she goes again. Sorry, I will try to be brief . . . Okay, that never happens but I'll try my best.

I have noticed that a lot of new posts have centered around the question "Why do we do what we do?" Now I realize this question is more pertinent to CDers and that our sisters who tend to lean more toward the TS spectrum know why they prefer to be a woman. So while this is a community wide discussion topic, I realize it speaks more to CDers but I do welcome all thoughts and comments.

When I finally admitted that I am a guy who likes to dress on occasion as a woman, I asked myself the same question "Why?" I mean there is no benefit to be had. I can dress in my guy clothes, go out, interact and live my life, earn money, have friends and so on. So why should I want to do this? Well the number one answer I decided upon early in my journey was "it feels good" plain and simple. However, this question still creeps into my mind "Why?" I was discussing this with my therapist and she reflected back (as all therapists are apt to do in an attempt to make you work for your answers) "Why is it important that you know?" . So I gave here my best reflective face (I have gotten really good at this face) and shot back "Because sometimes I just need to know to understand myself" Now her reflective face is far more impressive than mine and she also employs the timed silence as if I am suppose to say something else. She then replied "Isn't better to accept you are who you are, embrace it and live your life rather than trying to figure out the why. Do you try to figure out why you like certain kinds of food, why you prefer certain kinds of music or why you are heterosexual? So why try to figure out why you are CD? You are who you are, so love yourself for that and move on"

Wow . . . seemed kind of harsh . . . the therapeutic version of "build a bridge and get over it". So I left a little ticked off with no real answer to my question. Don't get me wrong I am at a good place with who I am but I was hoping for at least a little insight. So I did as I normally do in these cases . . . ruminate until I realized she was right. I have spent an inordinate amount of energy dissecting this thing we do (nature vs. nurture, labels, etc.) to no avail. It was not until I just accepted that I am who I am that I found inner peace.

So my musing is this . . . (finally you are saying ) There are lots of gals on this site who are at peace with who they are and this includes not only those who are public but those who are closeted or in a DADT relationship. Do you think by giving up the quest to the Holy Grail "Why" and accepting and loving yourself for who you are that it has helped bring you peace? For those who still struggle with figuring out "why", do you find any sense in this assumption?

The reason I ask is that a lot of new gals show up here and always ask the "why question" in hopes an answer will bring peace of mind. IMHO, I really don't think it will as it seems to be a red herring because there doesn't appear to be one answer. Perhaps my therapist was right, accept your self, love yourself and move on. Now don't get me wrong I do not live in a Pollyanna existence where just saying "I love myself" will open the gate to Narnia and all will be right. This takes introspection and work but it seems like a sound path to follow don't you think?

I will leave you with a quote from Buddha which kind of resonates here:

You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.


Hugs

Isha

[Cheryl T]

I have been trying to answer this question for nearly 60 years and have not been able to do so.


If I or anyone can come up with the definitive "Why" answer they will no doubt make millions selling the answer in book as I think most of us would like to know.
I have formally given up the search for the answer. I no longer care why. It no longer matters to me why. I just know that I am happier accepting this as part of me than denying it exists.

[bridget thronton]

I also stopped asking the why question. I am who I am with my flaws and my positive attributes. I dress in the clothes I do because it feels right for me.

[Karren H]

Seeking to answer questions that can't be answered.... is a waste of time.... life is short enough without spending time tormenting yourself.... if you really have to know... just make something up .... it will be as good or better than what a therapist would make up for you... and a whole hell of a lot cheaper!

[MarisaRose.]

The simple truth for me was just as Buddha himself has said, until I could accept and love myself, I really wasn't giving my family everything I have to offer and be for them. I'm a better person, husband, father, now because of it..

[Beverley Sims]

Isha,
When I saw your post I thought, "She doesn't know why."
Of all I now realise you do know why,and your last paragraph spells it out nicely.

Karen I like your quote...
"It will be as good or better than what a therapist would "make" up for you"... and a whole hell of a lot cheaper!
I like it.

[Kristy 56]

I don't think that the therapists etc really know the answer to that question.

[ChristineNYC]

Why? I am who I am. I used to think that I was 'different', in a not so good way, but today I embrace it, I realize that it makes me special!

[Rachael Leigh]

My take is I have also about given up on the why but still have that nagging want to know the answer. For me and my situation with my wife not understanding it would really help her know that it's not because of anything she did but it's just a part of who I am. It can really be difficult dealing with myself and trying to figure out this part of me and even now as I have come to grips with it better it doesn't necessarily make it better.
I know now I'm never going to know the why this side of heaven but I want to just be the best I can be at what I've been given and help others to be their best as well.
Not necessarily in the CD world but anywhere. I do want others here also to know they can be loved and not feel rejected.
That is one of my big struggles. Ok a little off topic anyway thanks Isha for another great thought provoking topic
Hugs Leigh

[nethiker55]

I think if you need an answer it may be worth musing about. I also think a lot of girls here would fall into the same group as I. I learned to play dress up early in life. I had 3 older sisters and 2 of them liked to dress me as their 4th sister. I also saw and tried all of their clothes and love the feel. I think the fit better and look better. I also learned that women had it better than men in this world, at least in their opinion. I like to at least feel a little like a woman sometimes

[Helen_Highwater]

Are there 2 aspects to this question? Why, when for many the consequences of being "discovered" can be severe ranging from rejection by family or friends, damage/loss of career, loss of marriage, so many possible negatives. That is a different question to why we dress in the first place, what attracts us like moths to a flame. If you've seen those who free climb buildings and tower cranes the question is similar; why, it's because they like the challenge, the rush. Why, when getting it wrong means death.

As for me, I'm not sure I'll really ever know.

[Katey888]

Isha - nice Buddha quote... and a couple of observations from peeking through the closet door keyhole...

Is there any sense in the assumption: 'Oh, just stop fussing and get on with it - no-one really cares what you do in the grand scheme of things anyhow.." I paraphrase slightly..

Yes - this makes sense to me. In the same way I like anchovies in my Caesar salad and my wife doesn't; or that I have a bad habit of singing bad karaoke when driving; or even that I may have other sexual proclivities that fall into a fetish category that doesn't make it to mainstream - as long as these can be undertaken without harm to others or fear of derision and sanction by others (which may be very real for some), then we'd all probably just get on with it.

But because the world at large does not understand us, or largely accept us, we can't be easily public with what we do because of those fears - and we seek the answer to 'Why' because if we had that, we could say to the world: 'We know why we do this - there's no cure, but the reason is XYZ..." - and it would be a bit like understanding leprosy (I'm sorry - I've struggled with a metaphor for this so if anyone thinks of anything better...?) - it used to be unsavoury, disfiguring and until folk learned that mostly it wasn't infectious, sufferers were shipped off to colonies (CD colonies? Could be worse...) and quarantined. It is the stigma associated with our passion that drives us to find a reason - perhaps to have an answer would also free us of blaming ourselves... difficult to have peace if that self-blame and projected guilt is still evident.

So, welcome to the world of fashionable lepers - and btw, the Internet made me do it...?

Katey x

[Bria]

Isha, in ages past there were a lot of questions that could not be answered about physics, astronomy, chemistry, etc. and these things were attributed to magic. Now we can answer a lot of those questions, but we still can't answer all of the questions about human behavior, so til we can we can just say that it's magic!!

BTW I like your Budda quote, I think that it may well apply to Christine's thread about accidental wife.

As usual, thanks for the post that has made us think, again!

Hugs, Bria

[Tina_gm]

For those of us who dress because we desire to, it is because of gender variance to at least some degree. Why we have gender variance.... might as well ask why the big bang happened. Dressing is the easiest quickest and most reversible way to express our variance to the feminine side. This is how I think of it as to why in my case.

[Teresa]

Hi Isha,
I have to go along with Leigh's answer, I wanted to know "WHY" to understand it myself so I could hopefully put it across to others, just to say I like wearing a dress doesn't really cut it. I like the Buddah quote but it's hard to love yourself when you're knotted up with guilt, and wonder how much you're loved back but I still enjoy making other people happy.

[AllieSF]

Buddha has a way with words. I think the idea of getting to that point in ones life where they accept themselves as they are, consciously or not usually comes later in life, especially for those, like us, who have some not so common part of ourselves that the general public are not all that familiar with. So, a younger person asking why is totally natural and understandable. As we age we get to have a lot of good and bad experiences, which help us grow, mature and look at life and ourselves differently, usually more rationally.

That is where I was when I started dressing just a few years ago. I was semi-retired trying out a new more independent career to see how I liked it as a prelude to full retirement. It didn't work so well so I just fell into full retirement after a brief bout with cancer. There I was aged, like a good bottle of wine, experienced, mature (for me), pragmatic (Mom's fault) and needing something. That something turned out to be crossdressing. Once started I never looked back. I embraced it and continue to do so. Since I have been on this site from the very beginning of this late in life journey, I read all the threads about "Why?". As curious as I am about most things in life, business and people, I have never been curious enough to ask myself that question. I attribute that fortunate situation to being here at this later point in my life. I am thankful for that, because it grieves me to see so many people having so much difficulty in accepting this side of themselves.

I wish that how I feel could be easily transmitted to others like cooties from a good hug.

[Jaymees22]

I think we all wonder why. I always like a simple answer to most questions. So my answer here is "Why not", it just feels like the right thing to do for myself and I think it's helping me find my true self. Jaymee

[Ceri Anne]

I'm in therapy at this time trying to come to grips with the same question. I know I do this because it allows me to express part of me that is normally repressed. It is freeing, but I'm trying to get a better grip on this so I can better explain myself to my wife and to better figure out where I am going.

[RebeccaLynne]

Isha, I like your therapist's reasoning. I'll go one further: Why ask why? It just is.

I first crossdressed as a four year old, loved it, and have done it ever since. I need to, 'cause if I didn't do it, I wouldn't be happy.

[Hell on Heels]

Hi Isha, I do believe I have given up the quest for the "Holy Grail", and that has brought a bit of peace. But for me it really has been much of a concern. Maybe more in my younger years, and even back then it was a question of "what" was I doing, rather than why.
There is obviously no clear cut answer to the question. I respond to it with another question, why not? It's much easier to answer.
Have a great day off my dear friend!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Alice B]

Like Karren says, it is an uninsurable question. I will go with two other quotes. Jim Rome "it is what it is" and pop eye " I yam what I yam"

[Jaylah414]

If I hit the 'Reply' button instead of the 'Post' button one more time! How dumb...

Anyway, when I was very young, I didn't need to ask why. Parents, ministers, teachers and my peers told me one way or another the thoughts I was having were wrong. That was enough. I had to make myself into a real man. Thinking about girly things didn't help.

When I was a teen, the question was very strong and sometimes very depressing. "Why did I want to be that way?" I needed an answer and searched in religion. The religion of those around me told me that not only were the feelings evil, but so was I. I knew I wasn't evil. So, I quit that one and began to look for one unifying faith that could bind all my troubling feelings together and tuck them away in a magic box.

In my early twenties, I finally found a belief system that wasn't so painful. It was called hedonism. I soon found out that I wasn't very good at it, and it still didn't offer me that magic box. There were way too many contradictions.

In my late twenties, I discovered something I've known all along. I discovered science and reason. I no longer required a magic box. I became a devout skeptic and rabid atheist. We are what we are because of our genetic and environmental programing and that was that. Whatever answers we didn't have, we could find by gathering more evidence, put the pieces together and follow the obvious storyline.

Since then, I've mellowed. I'm no longer militant in my belief systems, and I've become very tolerant of the beliefs of others. However, there has been a growing data base consisting of studies, experiments and historical data coming together to at least begin to fit the pieces of the puzzle together. And, I do accept the idea that maybe, with enough time and technological progress we will eventually be able to put together at the least a simplified puzzle that can show us how and why we become what we are and why we do the things we do.

Of course, that opens the very scary door of using that knowledge to more easily regulate and control people...

I guess that we all have our stories of how and why we got to where we are today. I did, however, discover in my teens that's it's not a very healthy choice to dwell on such questions.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I have noticed that a lot of new posts have centered around the question "Why do we do what we do?"

I have noticed that.

She then replied "Isn't better to accept you are who you are, embrace it and live your life rather than trying to figure out the why. Do you try to figure out why you like certain kinds of food, why you prefer certain kinds of music or why you are heterosexual? So why try to figure out why you are CD? You are who you are, so love yourself for that and move on"

Or as I say, "Will knowing why make your life any better? The "Why" does not matter. "This Thing of Ours of Varying Kinds" is what it is. What matters in the long run is how you deal with it.

I have spent an inordinate amount of energy dissecting this thing we do (nature vs. nurture, labels, etc.) to no avail. It was not until I just accepted that I am who I am that I found inner peace.

or, as I say: "Time is finite, rather than wasting time with "why" focus on how you deal with it"

Do you think by giving up the quest to the Holy Grail "Why" and accepting and loving yourself for who you are that it has helped bring you peace?

Yes, for my sake. For me the Important Question was "What Kind of This Thing of Ours of Varying Kinds Am I?"

Veronica

[MsVal]

Would it help to know the answer? I think it would. I believe it would be comforting, or perhaps relieve or redirect the anxiety that some crossdressers feel. If, for example, there was a strong correlation between crossdressing and parents with an uncommon genetic match, one could find peace in the knowledge that it isn't because he is bad, depraved, or evil; he inherited it from his parents.

[Jaylah414]

MsVal.. I wholeheartedly agree. However, considering some human history, I am little worried some may use that same knowledge for the opposite intent. I recall that was one of the gay communities big concerns when science began to find minor differences in the brains of gay men and women and the brains of straight men and women. That line of study hasn't progressed very far, but this problem with new technology is always seems to lurk right around the corner.right around the corner.