Now I understand

[PretzelGirl]

When I first joined a local group that probably consisted 90% or more of members who transitioned or were transitioning, one of my statements was that I would never let denial get in my way.

Well, a month into therapy and I see the fallacy of my thoughts. After the first session I thought the therapist was breaking down all of my barriers for me. After the second, I realized he was setting them up and I was knocking them down. At the end of the last session, he said my home work was to make my roadmap. After each session, I walked out feeling I was well into the rabbit hole and I had no doubts. I wouldn't take long before I was going through thoughts like "this can't be" and "I want it but the damage it will cause....". Call it denial, confusion, doubt.... I guess it doesn't matter.

So while I looked at others struggling with their decision and made my bold prediction, it was easy not being in the moment myself. I see my enemy now and it is that I am worried about the others around me. More specifically, I look at grandkids pictures and think about my children. I know I am worried about what hasn't happened and I shouldn't. But I am wired that way and I suspect it sounds familiar to others.

And an interesting note you won't hear very often. My wife and I talked and she told me to just transition and be done. Well I did tell her it isn't so easy a thing.... I can be assured I know how one important person in my life stands.

[kimdl93]

Well, that scary and exciting at the same time. I think I understand how you feel, possessed with a certainty of where you are and what's possible, or even within reason, only to find yourself challenging that certainty.

Maybe it wasn't denial, though. Periodically, one needs to reassess - take new bearings - and maybe even set a new course. That's ok if you decide in a new destination.

[Marleena]

Sue, sometimes we are the last to know. We can only fool (deny) ourselves for so long though. Best of luck because none of this is easy.

[PretzelGirl]

I imagine most of us are either charging right into transition if we feel we knew all along or go through the doubts if we progress into it steadily. And yes Marleena, sometimes we are last. I just touched base with a friend I haven't seen in about 6 months. After we started talking, I said I needed to update her on something and she proceeded to tell me what. She has been that way with me a long time as she was also the first friend I came out to, but it still surprises me.

Edit: I was in another thread and looked at my signature for the first time in a while. Maybe it is my self of long ago giving my current self a message. A little irony although the know part could be up for grabs at the moment.

[Jessicah]

"Can't see the forest for the trees." At times there is something about being too close to the situation that limits our objectivity in making a decision and that includes knowing yourself. I can't say that I'm charging headlong into transition even though I've known for 40 years, but I've finally reached a point where I feel obligated to do what is best for me and my sanity regardless of the potential "damage" my revelation may cause to relationships and family dynamics. Of course none of us want to hurt those we love the most which is one of the main reasons for dragging my feet for so long. Yes, I wish now that I had started this process in my 20's, though I'm content to take it at a snails pace if necessary.

[Jorja]

I am one of those that knew all along. I did not by any means go "just charging in". I didn't even know where to start. It took me 22 years as it was to be able to start. Back then there just wasn't much information available on transition and how to go about it. There were no support groups and no internet. As luck would have it, a post-op TS woman befriended me and guided me along. If it had not been for her there would have been one of to outcomes and we don't want to talk about the second one because I had already tried that route three times and failed but I was getting better at it.

[Angela Campbell]

I would imagine there are several on here who remember me about a year ago swearing I was not going to transition, and I had all the reasons why all worked out.

I do not know what the hell happened since then...........

[Starling]

I was charging hard a year-and-a-half ago, and then I stumbled. Since that June I've been marking time, hoping for a deus ex machina to draw me up to heaven/transition. I really seem to need a kick in the ass from life, perhaps in the form of a neon sign in Times Square that says: Lallie Singer is a transwoman. But with my real name, of course. And then I'd only have to deal with the people who would still call me.

I suppose that's asking too much, isn't it?

Lallie

[Annaliese]

I know how you feel, I have the same problem thinking about the grandkids the kids not so much but the grandkids that give me a lot to think about.

[Marleena]

Sue I knew something was wrong early on but tried my best to suppress it all. I think the majority of us knew from an early age but just buried and denied it. That's why there are so many late transitioners. Here's a good link discussing it all. http://www.avitale.com/MidLifeAwakening.htm

My first bout of GD was in my twenties and I thought I had this crap beaten. I guess I just tempted fate but a good therapist will help you make sense of it all. There's more help for the youngsters now and that was something we never had back in the old days.

[PretzelGirl]

I am one of those that knew all along. I did not by any means go "just charging in".

Sorry, maybe way too flippant wording. My intent was those that know and went right through transition without anything really holding them back.

I do not know what the hell happened since then...........

The right thing from my seat. To go from saying no a year ago to the confidence you have now is great!

perhaps in the form of a neon sign in Times Square that says: Lallie Singer is a transwoman.

I'll take one of those! Maybe the one therapist that will tell you the end now instead of working your mind to it.

I guess I just tempted fate but a good therapist will help you make sense of it all.

One thing I think I am blessed with at the moment is that my first choice for a therapist is one I am really connecting with. He is making me see my incorrect thinking and it makes sense. Changing old habits is a little harder. You can see what is wrong with you and still struggle with it. Where is that switch.....

[Jennifer S]

I worry so much about the damage transition will do to my loved ones... I worry that it's selfish but i think when it comes down to it it's more about survival. we need to be true to ourselves because we deserve to be happy, just like everyone else.

[bas1985]

The internal damage reflectes to the external world. Denying what we are causes harm to ourselves and to others. The notion to halt transition, or detransition, because of the damage to others is a wishful thinking, at best, and manipulative, at worst, because what we are is the only thing that matter (some say that it is the only thing at all). Self denial is the highest crime towards our nature and to others, because it is inevitable that our true nature will nevertheless come away, usually in harmful and deceptive ways: drinking, depression, manipulative behavior, passive aggressive, etc...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lots of people talk about this and have an internal dialogue that is centered around controlling the situation.

I feel that this stuff comes at you, not the other way around. Words end up being useless and if anything you look back at what you said or what you thought and you wonder what the heck you were trying to do..

Saying something like "denial won't stop me" is really just words thrown out there... denial of what? stop you from what exactly?
Presuming you meant transition, denial isn't stopping you from anything!!! you thinking was basically spot on..

I get it because I did this alot myself.

My own thoughts of "transition is impossible" for example were replaced by the thoughts you mention Sue.. "this can't be"...."I want this so bad but I can't hurt my ...."

I was counseled to live day by day, and consider the future in practical terms. My dad called it "blocking and tackling".. what can you do in real time to mitigate your feelings, and either keep on your current life and just deal with your feelings as best you can or if not, give yourself time to do something like transition but do it well..

I found trying to be very practical and logical was very helpful in keeping the destructive parts of gender dysphoria out of my life.

[PretzelGirl]

What I was trying to do.... Looking back, in some ways I wonder if I felt the future and just didn't bring it to the surface. So I knew what was down the road in way but postponed some of the thoughts around it by just waving my hand and making the denial comment. To this point, I have been through all my advancement and self exploration relatively free of getting wrapped up in myself. The bill is coming due it seems.

I see the practicality in all the things that I should do and I excel at being (overly) practical at times. I will get there with this. Given my normal thought process, you would think I would have a transition plan all setup with Gannt charts and slides. If it is all data, it will make sense.

This will just take me finding the tools to get it reigned in. Day by day is a thought I need to embrace. The harder one is one of my therapist's key points is that I own everyone else's reactions and problems. He wants me to detach and instead of worrying about their acceptance, to ask for it. I have always worried about those around me and the effect of my actions, so it will be hard to change a life long behaviour. But it does make sense that will make me much happier by stepping back and thinking about it.

[mbmeen12]

Well written Sue, I too have gone to a therapist and simply denied the truth. She sat their and didnt push the envelope and simply wasted my money. But clearly your wife supports you which is a step many dont have.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

All the things you said Sue should serve you very well as you go forward.