Moments where you realize you don't belong

[IwishIwasTracy]

Have you ever had moments where you realize you don't belong and never really will? At least twice in my life reality has smacked me in the face. The first time was when I was in the eight grade. I was sitting in Math class and I looked over at the girl sitting next to me and just then she lifted up the hem of her skirt to adjust her slip. I remember feeling great sadness that I will never be her, and be able to do that. The second time was just two days ago. I was on Facebook and an old friend made the comment that she just used her boobs to get out of a speeding ticket. I was immediately taken back to the eight grade and all of those same feelings came flooding back. It has been two days and I am still very sad that I will never be either of these girls or be in those situations.

Tracy

[Sallee]

In her case whatever works. I'd say that takes huevos She has 'em

[LenGray]

I have that feeling quite often, actually. I especially feel that way when around a group of girls though. I've never been one to talk about make-up or boys and sometimes I just start feeling very lonely when those type of things are brought up.

One time when I was younger though, I felt that way very sharply. My dad was teaching my brother how to wrestle and I begged to play too but Dad told me that a girl isn't allowed to do things like that. I argued that I wasn't a girl but that I was me and he told me that fathers had to teach sons certain things that a daughter would never be able to learn and that I just had to deal with it. I went to my room and cried for a long time, I'd never felt so alone or rejected in my whole life. It was also the first time that I was ever truly jealous of my brother and wished that I could be him.

[Jesse Six]

Hi,
Had that most of my life. I always felt too feminine for guy friends (just can't do the 'bro' persona), too masculine for female friends.

Ironically, ever since I started cross-dressing, I became less frustrated. I mean, I still get the feeling like I don't belong with 'society at large', but I'm more ok with myself at a personal level. Is that backwards? It's like each of my sides has an outlet now, and it gives me comfort to know myself better.

[Persephone]

Yes, way too many times. So sorry to hear you just got hit again. It always hurts.

But my old friend Leo Buscaglia used to say something like, "It's your show. If you don't like the lines, change them. If you don't like the characters, change them. If you don't like the stage, change it."

He also said, "The hardest battle you are ever going to have to fight is the battle to be just you.”

I feel that those pains go into forming us but they don't define us; we can use our past as the basis for deciding to change our future.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Zylia]

I always wonder if men here have the same kind of feelings when they see a woman going into labour or when they see their own salary and realise they make more money than their female colleagues. Wearing slips (do women still wear those?) and having boobs is nice and all, but it's a rather small and narrow part of the 'female experience', or so I'm told. Men have their own little privileges.

As a cross-dresser I can be a bit envious of women, as a man not so much.

[Aprilrain]

Its called Gender Dysphoria and it got so bad for me that I had to transition to save my life. If its just a fleeting feeling consider yourself lucky.

[Marcelle]

Hi Tracy,

I agree with April on this one . . . sounds like gender dysphoria in your case. The reason I say that is I have had similar thoughts (seeing a pretty girl in dress going about her daily business) and thought I would love to be able to do that. That is one of the things that pushed me to go out in public. Now I am that pretty (okay . . . pretty is a bit of a stretch) girl in a dress going about my day when the mood takes me. I don't however wish to be a girl. Your post reads that you wish to be not only able to do so but to be a woman.

Have you thought about seeing a gender identity counsellor? It might help with some of these feelings and bring a bit of order to chaos.

Hugs

Isha

[Beverley Sims]

Tracy,
In some situations you don't need to belong.
I feel like that with some of the forums here.

[FeliciaCDSNJ]

I actually have that feeling quite often, from watching TV to seeing women walking in the mall, I just feel so out of place and for that, I hate to look in the mirror, my body, and I hate hearing my own voice.

[Kate Simmons]

While many folks need the ability to "fit in" with others, I'm pretty complete in myself and am only responsible for myself. I take a somewhat different approach than most in that I accept everyone for who they are not who I expect them to be. Mutual respect goes a long way with me when I deal with others.

[kimdl93]

That type of thinking is self limiting and self destructive. I may never walk on the moon, dive to the bottom of the Marrianas Trench or bowl 300. But there are lots of things I will do. If you allow these trivial observations to become disappointments you are dragging yourself down needlessly.

[Joanne f]

On what you are talking about , no I have never had that feeling as I just take things for what they are at the time but touching on what Beverly Sims has said I am getting an increasing feeling that I do not belong here , the crazy thing is that I could so easily do something about that but won't yet it is far more difficult for you to do something about your situation but can't , so in the eye's of whoever wrote it " You are a better man than I Gunga Din" ( OK a better CDer than I IwishIwasTracy Din "

[Donna June]

I know how you feel, Tracy. Keeping the religious aspect of it aside there is a scripture in the Bible that says "You are in the world, but not of it" I feel that way sometimes.

[SharonDD]

All the time. My girlfriend puts on lipstick and I feel sick that I am not accepted to be me and put some on too,and forced in a closet around her. It's like a tease, sad. If I dress 100 percent alone I feel great and relaxed and I know all those that say they love me see a guy in a dress. Life isn't fair and society sucks but it is getting better. I was born 50 years too soon.

[Karren H]

Personally... I have always felt I didn't need to belong.... at the same time I felt I belonged to what ever I wanted to belong to...

[Nadine Spirit]

I am in a group of one, me. Possibly a group of two, my wife and I.

[Nikki A.]

Sometimes I just feel like I have very little in common with alot of groups. I can have a good time with friends that don't know Nikki, but sometimes wish that I didn't have to hide her.
I belong to a local LGBT group, but I feel like I have very little in common with the majority of the group. I'm not gay, the lesbians just see you as a man in a dress and there are just a few CD and TS members.
There are two other groups (one being a MCC church) that I belong to and I feel comfortable there, unfortunately it is a bit far from home. But mostly I am most comfortable with a few GG friends that accept me as I am. I go out with them to mainsteam places and I am treated as I present.

[Alice Torn]

One thing with me, is when i dated women, most of them had careers, and new cars, while i was low income, blue collar, and drove an old Dodge. Hey, didn't Columbo drive an old beater?

[Katy120]

I am in a group of one, me.

In eight words, Nadine expressed what I've felt most of my life, but could never quite say it as well. Thanks, Nadine!

[windycissy]

I had the same yearnings all through school, envying the girls and wishing I could wear their cute clothes. I remember looking over at the cute cheerleaders in their short skirts while I was getting my butt kicked and wishing I could be one of them. Then when Uncle Sam was breathing down my neck at the height of the Viet Nam war I really envied them! Things are so different now...