Going through the divorce process is painful regardless of how "friendly" it is. I hope that you can work out the details without using the legal system. You may each need a lawyer,however, based upon what your wife's actions have been. You must protect your own interests!
Many of us have gotten divorced. In many cases the CD or "T" issues were only one of the reasons, not the only ones.
I wish you the best!
Hugs, Carole
I've never been married, but what I can add to this is that once all is settled I bet you will enjoy your freedom to express Paula very much.
Thanks everyone for the well wishes. I've filed for divorce now - my attorney informed me that it's in the court clerk's office now. Dallas County is one of the few counties in the state that is relatively trans-friendly, or at least not outright hostile. (For a long time, there were only TWO judges in the state who'd grant gender marker changes, for example. Yep, two.)
I told my wife about the divorce suit this afternoon. I didn't handle this as well as I could. She texted me about something (money), and I just told her via text. This upset her, and made her think I was trying to pull something over on her. I'm not - I told her to hire an attorney she trusts to look over everything I send her, and to make sure her needs are met and that she's treated fairly.
I talked to her by phone, and she asked why I'd started without talking to her first. I admitted that I was kind of scared to talk to her - that I panicked and was afraid she'd try to file quickly and put the proceeding someplace that would be prejudiced against trans women. She told me "I could never hurt you like that - I can't - I'm still in love with you!" It's ironic, because she's hurt me plenty of times since I came out to her. But I just let that drop.
I assured her that my goal was to do this as fairly and painlessly as possible. That the attorney I'd hired had similar ideas to mine about wanting to do this with as little drama as possible, and in a way that met everyone's needs, especially hers.
I felt bad about texting her at first, but I really was frightened about how she'd react. Her reactions for the past 9 months have been just all over the map.
I find it really odd that she doesn't trust me. I've done what I said I'd do, as I always have. Yes, I didn't tell her about my relationship that developed recently, but I felt that would hurt her, for no real purpose. I haven't told her LOTS of stuff about what I'm going through - she really hasn't been very supportive, and her outing me so many times and lying about it made me not trust HER very much. I've followed through on everything I've told her though.
I told her that with everything that's happened between us, that I thought it was unlikely that the two of us would be able to work this out without help from disinterested professionals. We're just too raw emotionally, the both of us.
I'm sad about this of course, but I know this is what needs to happen for the both of us. I wish it would've been different. I wish my problem had been something other than "the trans." Really, almost anything else. Well, as a wise woman once told me, "We can't choose what God gives us."
Paula, Hoping all works out the best for you. You're doing great girl.
Hugs,
Traci Melissa Knight
To thine own self be true
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear
I wish you all the best Paula.Take good care of yourself sweetie.
What a profound significance small things assume when the one we love conceals them from us.
Marcel Proust
Paula, wish you all of the best for you. I went through it twenty plus years ago. I have remained single since then.
Paula, good luck.
Dallas is one of the more liberal cities in Texas, only Austin is better. I'm not sure about San Antonio and Houston. I wouldn't even think about the rest of the state.Originally Posted by PaulaQ
I wish you the best of luck Paula
I've finally mastered the art of making salads. My favorite is a delicious Mediterranean salad.
Paula, I'm sorry to hear this, it saddens me. I got divorced in April, after 22/24 years of marriage (I don't really count the last 2 years separated). It's the hardest thing I've ever been through. Hang in there.
Hi Paula, I was going back through many of your previous posts and we could sure see this building I wish you all the best.
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
Good for you, Paula. As for why she doesn't trust you, that probably has to do with the fact that you misled her for many years about who you are.
Jess,
That is so one sided of a comment it makes you sound bitter, arrogant and self-righteous.
No relationship is ever that one-sided dear unless it is just your side.
Sorry. Rubbish.
VANNY
Last edited by Vanessa Rose; 02-01-2014 at 01:36 AM.
Well, in my defense, I misled myself at the same time. I can only say in my defense that I never wanted to be trans. Indeed, I was sure I was *anything* but trans.
I think it's somewhat unfair to consider someone living in denial like that as a liar. I can only assure you that within a month of understanding "oh shit, I'm a woman", I came out to my wife. I didn't understand how powerless I truly was over the stuff within me that I fought, sometimes without really realizing it.
Actually the reason she's told me she doesn't trust me is that after 20 years of watching an essentially static image of me - my biggest change in 20 years? I went from dress shoes, slacks, dress shirts to fairly casual work clothes - I've changed massively very quickly. She really doesn't know who I am anymore, and that makes her skeptical of me. In fairness to her, I think the line "but I'm the same person on the inside" isn't quite true, at least in my case. I'm really the type of woman she typically DOES NOT LIKE. If she'd get to know me, she'd discover that. I've changed a lot.
Anyway, none of us have perfect self knowledge, or knowledge of the future. Even if you DO consider that lying, consider that for most of my life, admitting that I was trans wasn't an especially safe or easy proposition, and I'm old - I lived before the internet. It was MUCH harder to get real information on issues of gender.
Oh well, I don't suppose it matters much. This will be over eventually, and I can set about the process of ruining someone else's life. (This is my biggest fear right now.)
edit: Oh yeah - also, I think we've had this discussion a number of times before. Actually I have had this discussion with others on this forum a lot. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on the matter.
Last edited by PaulaQ; 02-01-2014 at 02:44 AM.
Paula, you have been very good to your soon to be ex-wife. It also always seems like you have a solid plan for everything you do. I am glad you got a lawyer and I am glad you filed, and I am glad that you have supported her. You have a lot of positives going for you in your case. Good luck with the divorce, I am hoping that in the end, both you and your ex will come to a mutual agreement
Kaylee
I'm not saying you're were bad, Paula, I'm saying that you taught her not to trust what you say, because it turned out to be a mask. You didn't have much choice in the matter, but you still inadvertently provided years of incorrect data to her. Trust is hard to rebuild, is what I'm saying --and trying to rebuild trust as your marriage ends is probably a lost cause.
Yep your marriage failure was 100% your fault Paula.
Yep sensible enough. That is the way most unreasonable people figure it to be
Get a grip Jess. And drop the holier than now attitude.
Please, let it rest! And if you acted that way to a friend if mine and were skipping all passively and aggressively down my street as a kid, I would have tripped you! I would today as well in a way. You old bat!
Good Lord
Vanny (grrr)
Last edited by Vanessa Rose; 02-01-2014 at 01:00 PM.
Paula... I am impressed by your strength and conviction. My first marriage ended because of my ex's inability to come to terms with my dressing and who I was. You have handled your situation with poise and grace and I, personally, am proud of you. It is tough.
As William Shakespeare once said: "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man (or woman)." Polonius, Hamlet
We are all here for you Paula!
Paula;
I am saddened to hear that you MUST proceed along this path without the person who you have invested 20 years of your life with.
I am joyed that you are finding YOUR way, and clearing the obstacles to your happiness and satisfaction.
Now that the deed is done with the filing, I strongly advise that you try to find an arbitrator who can help you both in the matter of communal assets. These will cost significantly less than using lawyers to pass information back and forth.
Once you have a mutual agreement, you can set it before the judge who, in many cases, will simply "rubber stamp" the deal.
Even though 50-50 is the "watchword", it can be very difficult to place a real value on things.
I wish you well in this life changing action.
Inside every good man, there is a good woman.
Paula, good work in moving forward. But, try to prepare yourself for the worst. Which is likely to come soon. Once she finds an attorney, expect things to get very acromonious!
Getting divorced is a very traumatic experience. U both will feel cheated and lied to. And, u both will be rite! Don't try to remain friends thru it. After it's all done, then try to become friendly, if u can.
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
Jess, the reality is this is happening because of things that Paula, her wife, and society have no control over.
1. You are powerless over your own gender identity.
2. You are powerless over your SO's gender identity.
3. You are powerless over how your SO will react when you tell her (or him) about your gender identity.
4. You are powerless over how society treats transgender people.
5. You are powerless over the fact that not much was known about gender until the last 5-10 years.
I hope some day in the future, we will be a society that is more accepting of transgender people, and that the information is available, that treatment is covered by insurance, and that trans people can transition at puberty before even thinking about getting married, and that transition is your birthright if you're born in the wrong body. We have a long way to go as a society but hopefully we will be there someday, and hopefully the next generation of transgender people will have it much better. Unfortunately, many of us on this forum were powerless over society's norms and lack of information, had to suppress this gender stuff, and got married because that's what we were supposed to do.
I have read numerous tales on the internet about MTFs who were in their 30s or late 20s, in the 1990s, who sought out therapy, wanted to transition, but their therapist told them that they need to settle down with a nice girl and get married. They would proceed to get married, have a child or two, and then 20 years later the GD strikes again, and now we have transition and divorce. I have heard this story way too many times. We are once again powerless over society's norms and lack of information.
Seconded.
I've finally mastered the art of making salads. My favorite is a delicious Mediterranean salad.
Alright, thanks, that makes more sense Jess. I think that is close to the issue, but after thinking about it some more, a more precise way to say it would be to say that after years of not changing at all, to the point where I became the rock she moored herself to, I changed radically, and rapidly, and so she literally doesn't feel like she knows me anymore - or that it's even the same relationship. The relationship changed so radically that even though my overall trustworthiness didn't change (actually it improved), the basis for trust is just gone. She doesn't know me anymore, so she can't trust me. And unfortunately, she knows that I'm sneaky, clever, and quite a lot smarter than her, so she has reason to fear me.
I appreciate what you've said - it made me think about trust from her perspective, and sure, she has no real reason to trust me at this point, and you are right - trying to re-establish that is likely a total waste of time. Still, all I can do is try to treat her fairly. Maybe she'll eventually come around, probably not though.
You have sure been through he mill, and grinder, too. A horrible year indeed. It is very hard to have to support someone who no longer has any respect for you. I can only say, that i empathise, as I am basically divorcing my whole family of origin this week.
One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was face and accept the fact that my marriages had failed and were over.it's been twice now(nothing to do with dressing,they just didn't like me)and in both cases I let it go on way too long before calling it off.It cost me a ridiculous amount of money,especially the first one,but I have the peace of mind knowing that regardless of what she might say,I know I gave it every chance I could.That peace of mind is something money can't buy.You'll find that same peace of mind down the road and be glad you handled it like you did.Hang in there,it takes a while but it does get better.Barbara
Paula - I am immensely impressed by your level-headedness. You are behaving totally responsibly, and there's no question that you're doing the right thing. I know that things are going to be tough for you emotionally, for awhile. But you will get through this, and life will be good again. Look forward to a bright future.
I hope things go as smoothly as possible for you! My divorce to my first husband was, luckily we talked like adults and came to an agreement on custody and Idaho has support guidelines so we just went to the office give them income and they figured all that and I did all the papers myself. I know for a lot of people it can be very messy and very hard but just stay true to yourself decide what points are most important to you and be firm but kind. Your strength is obvious I think you will come out the other side a happier more free woman!
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