Giant Step Forward with Spouse

[Helen Grandeis]

We have been on a twelve day trip to the island of Hawaii for our 30th anniversary. The final 6 days have been shared (in separate accommodations) with an eight year close female friend. Other than a brief dalliance with a pearl necklace (separately posted), this has been a totally en drab trip.

I offered my wife the opportunity of outing myself to our trusted friend which she declined. This would have provided her an outlet to talk about my CD. She has declined participation in professional counseling that might support my CD. I then offered that she could talk to me. (Something that we have mostly avoided by mutual acknowledgement of our diametrically opposed positions.)

She declined and said that CD was silly, immature and an avoidance of my gender role responsibilities. I smiled, kissed her and thanked her for the huge improvement in her attitude. Silliness and immaturity is a far better place than the religious overtones of the past (which may well still be there).

Is all I need to do to get a few days out per month is to buy an expensive Brooks Brothers Suit to church and other selected occasions. The other thing she mentioned is being ripped. This would demonstrate respect for my male gender role.

Three quarter sleeves on a nice dress can easily conceal my yet to be achieved male beach volleyball body. Thanks to my successful campaign at being a value added spouse, I have convinced my wife of my solid love for her. She gushes about her love for me and how lucky she is. We terminated the conversation with smiles and laughter until we get back to Michigan. Perhaps 2014 will bring a CD Treaty.

[Marcelle]

Hi Helen,

Unfortunate about the missed opportunity but perhaps with a bit more time this may occur. I am glad to hear you had a great time on your anniversary and BTW Happy Anniversary.

Hugs

Isha

[Ellie52]

Helen - Happy Anniversary. I would just like to say unfortunately, we cannot change all the people all the time. We cannot even change some of the people some of the time we just have to make the best of what we have. I really hope you can find some common ground. Best wishes dear friend... Ellie

[Marcelle]

Hi Helen,

Now the title makes sense . . . that is a giant step forward with your wife and it seems her attitude toward CDing is starting to soften. I am glad for you.

Hugs

Isha

[MsVal]

Like draining a swimming pool using a bucket. The difference may not be obvious, but you know that it exists.
Hopefully it will soon be time for another bucket.

Best wishes
MsVal

[kimdl93]

I'm glad your feeling some incremental progress. Keep plugging away!

[Beverley Sims]

Helen,
You are making progress, that is the important thing.

[Helen Grandeis]

Having left paradise and return to near zero F, I had a follow on conversation with my wife where she colored my silliness with sarcastic venom. I did not admit to my new CD activities but merely laid out the once or twice a month activities I might want to do. These were summarily rejected with the statement that her position has never wavered - this is true. The stash has reversed its flow into the upstairs and is now safely stored in the garage. There will be no regular outings and only uncertain stolen moments to be Helen.

In my defense, I did have the courage to bring it up. There will be many adventures for Helen just not with the slightest illusion of acceptance.

The prime directive is that she will never see me in a dress. She looks at CD as endangering my immortal soul. Denying my male gender is denying my eternal nature. She says that she believes we are happier together but would rather see me divorced so that I could regularly CD - if that is needed for my survival.

[Helen Grandeis]

Since our pastoral counseling session my wife has been in great spirits. I think the bishop (pastor) told her to focus my good aspects. Also I told her that he said that he had to give up Sunday NFL football when he got married. She said that she knew that CD was in a whole different league than giving up football. She also told me that she recognized that this was not going to go entirely her way. These were encouraging things for her to say. That and the fact that our physical connection to each other is as solid as ever have somewhat restored my faith in my value added husband program.

She also said that she had searched the upstairs thoroughly for my clothing and didn't find it. I am glad I moved almost everything out to the garage.

[Caden Lane]

Not to rain on what parade you have left... But She knows you have it, by not finding it upstairs she will only widen her search. She seems to think like a woman scorned, and they react venomously. Be wary...especially given the fact that she made the statement recognizing it will not go entirely "her way." The finality of that statement does not bode well.

[Eryn]

Helen, I feel for you, but when you are dealing with a spouse who has more respect for her pastor than for her husband I cannot see any hope for success. She's actively and unabashedly searching for evidence of your CDing. These are not the actions of a loving spouse.

[Helen Grandeis]

It is a contradiction; however, I am overall encouraged.

[MsVal]

I don't see the search for clothing as adversarial as it may have been presented.
Let's try to see things from her perspective. That poor woman is on an unknown road with no map and no idea where she is going. It's getting dark and she's scared. It's natural that she would look for clues that will help her know where she stands. I agree that she will likely keep looking, but not for purposes of engaging in an argument. Of course, it is still possible that she may become so upset upon finding a stash that she becomes confrontational, but I don't believe that the initial motivation is to find ammunition.

Best wishes
MsVal

[JenniferR771]

I think you are on the right track, Helen. She will not likely admit to changing her mind, but reality will gradually set in. She may grow to appreciate the good husband you are. (Value-added, big time!) She may come to understand that it is not going away. Hopefully she will understand that it will not destroy your Christian heritage. The whole country is gradually beginning to accept gay entertainers, football players, and movie stars. Cding is a whole lot less disruptive to a relationship. My wife is slightly more relaxed.

A ripped body--what's not to like?

[Barbra P]

I have to agree with Caden Lane in that I too think she’ll just broaden the search until she finds what she is looking for. I also fully agree with everything that Eryn wrote.

She doesn’t want to change her position and she isn’t going to change short of someone holding a gun to her head – and then only temporarily. “She has declined participation in professional counseling that might support my CD.” I think she is well aware that a Counselor, Therapist, or Doctor of Psychiatry is likely to tell her things that she doesn’t want to hear. On the other hand she feels fairly safe talking to the Bishop. I suspect that your pastoral counseling was not the first time she has spoken with the Bishop about this matter, that or she was reasonably certain about his support. She feels safe in the arms of the Church and distrusting of science and the medical establishment.

I’m reasonably sure that I can say that your marriage is pretty much a One Way Street and your statement “She says that she believes we are happier together but would rather see me divorced so that I could regularly CD . . . ” pretty much confirms it.

While I may don Barbra’s attire one day a week and enjoy my feminine-side, the rest of the time I’m the man of the house and to date I have not abdicated my male gender role. However I suspect that if I were to transition and my Wife continued to live in the same house I’d still be the dominate personality, only I’d be the Alpha-Female rather than the Alpha-Male. I don’t relate being feminine to being weak and I have known quite a few strong females.

I’m sure my Wife would have second thoughts about throwing any of my clothes out because she knows there are consequences for almost everything we do, in this case I’d probably play that old game of tit-for-tat, and I’m very good at it.

I’m basing everything I’m writing on this one thread, and I may be remiss for not delving into your past postings. From what you have written it appears that maybe your Wife has thoughts that you aren’t the ruling force, the Patriarch of the family, and it certainly appears that she has assumed the role of the Matriarch.

I might suggest that even though your Wife won’t seek Professional Counseling it might not be such a bad idea for you to do so – just be sure that the Counselor or Therapist has a background dealing with gender issues.

[Teresa]

Hi Helen,
Is there a chance that the church prints guidance literature on CD/TS issues, it seems to me if it has the right title it might be enough to get you both discussing it. Love has to work but with give and take and it appears to be all take and no give ! The frustration is some members of the church may have similar problems, how would your wife reconcile with that !

[Helen Grandeis]

I have to agree with Caden Lane in that I too think she’ll just broaden the search until she finds what she is looking for. I also fully agree with everything that Eryn wrote.

She doesn’t want to change her position and she isn’t going to change short of someone holding a gun to her head – and then only temporarily. “She has declined participation in professional counseling that might support my CD.” I think she is well aware that a Counselor, Therapist, or Doctor of Psychiatry is likely to tell her things that she doesn’t want to hear. On the other hand she feels fairly safe talking to the Bishop. I suspect that your pastoral counseling was not the first time she has spoken with the Bishop about this matter, that or she was reasonably certain about his support. She feels safe in the arms of the Church and distrusting of science and the medical establishment.

I’m reasonably sure that I can say that your marriage is pretty much a One Way Street and your statement “She says that she believes we are happier together but would rather see me divorced so that I could regularly CD . . . ” pretty much confirms it.

While I may don Barbra’s attire one day a week and enjoy my feminine-side, the rest of the time I’m the man of the house and to date I have not abdicated my male gender role. However I suspect that if I were to transition and my Wife continued to live in the same house I’d still be the dominate personality, only I’d be the Alpha-Female rather than the Alpha-Male. I don’t relate being feminine to being weak and I have known quite a few strong females.

I’m sure my Wife would have second thoughts about throwing any of my clothes out because she knows there are consequences for almost everything we do, in this case I’d probably play that old game of tit-for-tat, and I’m very good at it.

I’m basing everything I’m writing on this one thread, and I may be remiss for not delving into your past postings. From what you have written it appears that maybe your Wife has thoughts that you aren’t the ruling force, the Patriarch of the family, and it certainly appears that she has assumed the role of the Matriarch.

I might suggest that even though your Wife won’t seek Professional Counseling it might not be such a bad idea for you to do so – just be sure that the Counselor or Therapist has a background dealing with gender issues.

She has shared my secret with a very few people but no one in the church. She is mortified by the whole CD scene. My wife was abused by her first husband so thoroughly that truly yelling at her will send her to the floor and the corner of the room in terror. I get no joy from exercising terror.

[Helen Grandeis]

Hi Helen,
Is there a chance that the church prints guidance literature on CD/TS issues, it seems to me if it has the right title it might be enough to get you both discussing it. Love has to work but with give and take and it appears to be all take and no give ! The frustration is some members of the church may have similar problems, how would your wife reconcile with that !

Strangely enough, although "the church" has one of the best IT departments there doesn't seem to be any searchable position on cross dressing.

[Helen Grandeis]

My wife will never, ever tolerate CD or negotiate any treaty with me. This confines me to stolen moments - some of them day long for Helen to spread her wings. It doesn't matter that she has never seen Helen. She is adamant. Her goal is nothing less than saving my eternal soul.

[daviolin]

Hi Hellen
Its good to see your making progress. It took me quite awhile to gain full confidants from my wife. Just keep plugging along and eventually it will come to be. Oh by the way I still have that pocket bra you gave away at the tg meeting many years ago. If you want it back just let me know. Its still as good as the day you gave it to me. Daviolin

[Helen Grandeis]

Hi Hellen
Its good to see your making progress. It took me quite awhile to gain full confidants from my wife. Just keep plugging along and eventually it will come to be. Oh by the way I still have that pocket bra you gave away at the tg meeting many years ago. If you want it back just let me know. Its still as good as the day you gave it to me. Daviolin

I will keep that in mind if I ever end up pushing a shopping cart on the streets of Grand Rapids. Thank you

She is totally immovable and not satisfied with never being exposed to CD. She considers this to be a fatal character flaw that she cannot suffer to exist. She is in tears some of the time and at other times she is trying to reason with or bluntly shame me into making a CD chastity pledge.

[Caden Lane]

... Her goal is nothing less than saving my eternal soul.

Because wigs, dresses and makeup are routinely known to steal ones eternal soul. My second ex-wife used to cite old testament law to me to argue against my dressing...and I could only shake my head at her ignorance.

[MsVal]

I've studied the bible and taught Sunday school. While I am far from an authority, I can state with certainty that it is impossible for anyone, that's me and my detractors, to be sinless.

I stand here waiting for he that has not sinned, to cast the first stone.

Best wishes
MsVal

[traci_k]

Helen,

I understand what you are going through. I too am married to a very fundamentalist Christian who too wants nothing less than me to get "saved" again. Before we got married I thought that CDing was something I had put behind me. Now the desires have come back so strong, I'm trying to figure out a way to transition. Yes, poking around looking for your stuff is snooping and when she finds it, all you know what will break loose again with crying and accusations of betrayal. You say there is no compromise and you are probably right. Just like my wife, she will probably never come around. Once she figures it out, expect her to put a filter on YOUR computer so you can't access sites like this one.

MsVal - the Pharisees thought they were sinless too. When wives think of CDing - they only remember the wrods that it is an abomination. They forget the teaching to remove the beam from your own eye before removing the mote from another's.

Helen, if you ever want to talk, feel free to PM. I can only answer from work though because of the filter. I know the oppression you feel.

Hugs,

[Helen Grandeis]

Helen,

I understand what you are going through. I too am married to a very fundamentalist Christian who too wants nothing less than me to get "saved" again. Before we got married I thought that CDing was something I had put behind me. Now the desires have come back so strong, I'm trying to figure out a way to transition. Yes, poking around looking for your stuff is snooping and when she finds it, all you know what will break loose again with crying and accusations of betrayal. You say there is no compromise and you are probably right. Just like my wife, she will probably never come around. Once she figures it out, expect her to put a filter on YOUR computer so you can't access sites like this one.

MsVal - the Pharisees thought they were sinless too. When wives think of CDing - they only remember the wrods that it is an abomination. They forget the teaching to remove the beam from your own eye before removing the mote from another's.

Helen, if you ever want to talk, feel free to PM. I can only answer from work though because of the filter. I know the oppression you feel.

Hugs,

I am in a strong enough position not to have my computer filtered. I would never stand for it. She is adamant about her position that CD is a BIG sin against nature and an evasion of my responsibilities as a man.

She has been crying hysterically almost every day. She was convinced that I was well on the slope to transitioning when in fact I am not even close. I snapped her out of today's hysteria by stating that I would send the SensEpil 65k back that I recently purchased in a careless manner that allowed her to discover it. I am ratcheting up all security to maximum.