Did you ever honestly believe "it" would go away?

[Anna H]

Reading the interesting threads about how necessary to
us dressing up is, I wondered If I could recall a time that I
truly believed that I was "over it". But now, I don't think I can.

From about 8 to 16, I'd do what I could, when I could. Cut-off jean
mini skirts mostly....I was dying for shoes, but had but no way to
get my own.

My first real girlfriend...when I was 16...knew I'd wear one of her
dresses....but I never dressed fully (makeup/etc). We ended up
living together for several years. I Loved that dress and would wear
it every chance I got. It was no problem.

My second real girlfriend...about 2 years....never knew, but that's
because the first went running her mouth after we broke up...so I'd
just do it in secret with my second. She never knew.

My third...I married...I thought for sure I'd ease into it and all would
be fine. I wasn't driven to dress when we got together, but i knew
I would be soon enough. She hit the ceiling at the first hint of such
a thing. And while that didn't cause the breakup of the marriage, I knew
it'd be a problem at some point. So I wasn't too very heartbroken when
I got my own life back.

All that had short periods of bliss when I could do as I pleased, but
I always wanted a GF, so those times never lasted long.

My now wife knew from the start. All has been Great for 25 years...except
when I had to stop for 10 years due to an on-call 24/7 job. That very
nearly killed me. I wasn't in a good mood the last 5 years of it.

But anyway, I don't recall a single time I'd wished to be done with it.
I just always liked it and never felt guilt or shame.

Just wondering how many ever 'thought for sure' they were 'done with it'.
--Only to have it come back out of nowhere...

♥

[Marcia Blue]

I believed dressing would go away, both times I got married. I really believed......so I was wrong. I now know that dressing is part of who I am. I wish the rest of the world was OK with it.

[Katey888]

Yes Kate - probably several times I thought (and fervently hoped) that it had gone... replaced by being busy and impassioned by other things.

But it won't go, will it? When I started reading threads here (only a couple of months ago...) I thought those who believed this was 'hard-wired' were using physiology or neurology or just plain old biology as a convenient excuse.

I don't think that anymore.

As I type this, happily looking down on red fingernails battering plastic keys (I'll let you know why in a thread later - teaser!!) - I do now want to find a way to at least get to an accommodation with my wife on the need for Katey. Goodness knows how - but where there's a will...

And I'm afraid there are still tinges of guilt and shame - but I recognise now that most of that stems from societal mores - and I'm caring less about that as I go on...

In some ways I wish it would go away - but only if the void it left wouldn't be as painful and shattering as I suspect it would.

I'm beginning to like the Katey part of me... slightly selfish and narcissistic I know, but who amongst us isn't?

Katey x

[PretzelGirl]

I have never even tried to be over it. From the time I started doing anything related to being TG, it has just been an upward trajectory of acceptance.

[Kate Simmons]

It never does go away for most of us Kate. The best thing we can do is accept who we are and accept our feelings and take ownership of them and responsibility for our own actions. If we make it a total choice rather than leave it as a compulsion that puts us in charge as to where and when, Otherwise the process can overwhelm us and that is not good. In short, we make it work for us and just enjoy it.

[Milou]

I still see it as a curse, but I guess I have to deal with it someday. I haven't crossdressed for over 7 years and In the last couple of weeks the urge to crossdress hasn't been there at all. I'm so conflicted, it's like 2 spirits are living in my body.

[dana digs sweaters]

Never.
Never gave it a thought about stopping.
Too much fun when young and continuing on as I grew older.
Every aspect of female clothes that I learned about amazed me.
And even more so after high school to consciously make the decision to purchase the needed items for a complete female look that I could create in private.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Yes ... & it did for decades & only resurfaced last fall . After reading countless posts as to nature vs . nurture , I can tell you from truly personal experience that an avalanche of stressors resulted in me experimenting with the creature & then creating the Frankenstein monster. I truly wish that I did not cd as it has caused further unsettling, but on the other hand, it has provided incredible inner peace & joy. At this stage in my marriage, I can only fully underdress 1-2 times per week, but the excitement , joy & thrill of wearing lingerie,etc. is simply beyond description!!! I too have reconciled that Melissa is here to stay, that she wants to grow in her feminine journey & someday dress 24/ 7 if she so chose. Yes, there is no cure for cding & for that, I sometimes loathe that fact & then envelope myself in the joy. Need to work on the contradictions. Peace, mel

[MsVal]

I read quite a few tales of hardship stemming from crossdressing. I suspect the lives of many on this forum would be simpler and less anxious if they never had the urge to crossdress. For those people, yes, it would be a blessing to be done with crossdressing. They could be spending time, money, and attention on things that unite families, not divide them. Am I in that group? I don't know. I am so confused.

Some write about it providing a feeling of relaxation, euphoria, or excitement. So do alcohol, drugs, and gambling, but if it were those instead of crossdressing, we would be having a very different conversation.

... now let me tell you about the really cute brown, knee length, tooled leather, fur lined boots I saw yesterday ...

Best wishes
MsVal

[Tina B.]

At times I really believed I had out grown it, once when I went into the service, I really manned up during my time in service. When I got married the first time, I knew having a wife would "cure me", and lastly the second time I got married, I new it was just a matter of finding the right woman, and this time I had.
Of course 5 years latter I was back in a dress, but luckily, this time I had found the right woman, and she had no problem with my life style.
It was at that point in my late 20's I knew it was never going away, and with a accepting wife, I forgot about giving it up and learned to enjoy it, might as well enjoy it, it's going to be a part of life for the rest of my life. And as far as being "cured", I finally realized, I can't be "cured", I'm not sick!

[Beverley Sims]

I will start believing that after I see god walk down Sunset Boulevard.

[rachaelsloane]

Like others have said, "It never goes away".
When I was married (before the internet) my wife knew and we would set a day/night, shipping off our daughter (our only) to a friends house, etc. My next two GF's never knew and I would find time while they were out to quickly dress.
Before going forward, let me preface that over those 40 years, I never went out (except for the quick walk to the mail box, etc.), never really had real desire to, only a fantasy.
After breaking up with with my last GF, I joined this forum, met one of the girls on this forum and went out for the first time, and the world did not end.
Over this time, lost count of how many, I've met many more girls from here as well as only going out to mainstream places (restaurants, theaters, museums, etc.) and am have too good a time.
So to answer your question,

Did you ever honestly believe "it" would go away?

, no, but now the real problem, should I meet someone, is that during all my previous relationships, I was able to suppress the desire/need to dress, but no longer.
The ultimate would be to meet someone while in "Rachael" mode.

[CarlaWestin]

The first time around I thought that full on, mature relationship immersion would make the dress up desire wane away. It did, except for the bras and water filled forms and pantyhose I kept hidden under the dashboard. Telling my ex just led to the big D. I knew right then and there that it wouldn't go away so I adopted a policy of full disclosure to prospective partners. My tweener (between marriages) pretended to like and accept my creative side but she was just a phoney. And full disclosure to my wife hasn't been the magic key to full appreciation. And besides. I never want it to go away.

[Erica Marie]

I think at one point or another we all have been through this. We make a major life change, be it a gf or wife and we think in our head that it will just go away. We purge and think it will all be better. Well seems it always strikes with a vengance. I have come to learn over the last 30 yrs any further life changes include my dressing or there is no change. It is a part of me and will never just "go away"

[bridget thronton]

I never thought it would go away - just keep looking for ways to integrate it into my life

[Erica Anne]

I have often hoped and believed it would go away. When I got married the first time, I was able to suppress it, ignore it. When I discovered what my ex-wife was hiding from me, why am I holding back on who I am if she cannot sacrifice her inner desires why should I. From that point onward if she want to go out, let her, I will stay home wearing her clothes....hahaha. I have a lot of resentment for my ex-wife. She left me with a lot of baggage to unload. From that point onward, my feminine side will always be a part of me so why not enjoy life ? There may be truth to this, "the only cure to cross dressing is to cross dress."

[Vanessa Rose]

honestly, I never did want it to go away. I only wanted it more, closer to me, to touch it, feel it. be...it (Vanessa).

V

[Teresa]

I thought it might diminish with age instead it's getting stronger.

[ShelbyDawn]

I can remember as far back as being five or six and enjoying wearing my moms and sisters stuff. It just felt right. All through High school, I'd steal my sisters' panties to wear and when I could I would borrow their dresses.
After I went off to college, the need to dress just sort of faded. I never thought about it for over 35 years until my very dysfunctional marriage( my ex was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive) started to disintegrate.
About ten years ago, I started to wear my wife's panties and as the marriage got worse, I began to borrow more of her stuff, now that the divorce is final and I don't have to worry about her opinion so much, I under-dress every day and dress fully as often as possible.
Not sure why I "need" to dress now after not dressing for 35 years. With the help of an excellent therapist, I have figured out that I was pretty much born this way and probably always will need/want to dress to some extent.
My guess is that after all those years of being beat down and devalued by my ex, I reverted to a core comfort zone, dressing, and now that I am rebuilding myself into a strong confident person, I get the pleasure of keeping the dressing.
So, I guess my ex sort of did me favor.



Shelby

[Milou]

Oh no, all these messages sure are discouraging :'). Help

[Adriana Moretti]

I tried to make it go away once....forced it down inside...yup it popped back out...im done with that kinda thinking now. Now I will accept it and try to balance it.

[Glenda58]

I try thinking I could stop but it always comes back. Bigger than when I left it. Stopped for 5 years once it came back. Now I just slow it down a little till I get a chance to go all out which isn't often.

[Dana L]

I'm sure we've all thought it was a passing fad at one point. I thought it was all over when I started dating and eventually married. Turns out I was living out my dressing through them. I realized everything I wanted for my wife was actually what I wanted for myself. So some 25 years later I'm back to dressing and slowly trying to transform to more female than male. Lucky for me my wife is very accepting and actually enjoys me better as Dana.

[PaulaQ]

Just wondering how many ever 'thought for sure' they were 'done with it'.
--Only to have it come back out of nowhere...

Oh yeah, that was me. When I sobered up 24 years ago, Praise God I was SURE I WAS CURED! It was that ol' demon rum - yeah, that's bound to have been why I cross dressed. Of course, I didn't drink at age 10 when I started, and I started drinking when I was miserable from NOT CDing - but what's the fun of truth when you have good old fashioned denial working for you?

When my CDing (a symptom of gender dysphoria in my case) returned in 2012, it nearly ended me.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kate , I don't think that I ever really wanted it to go away.