Did you ever honestly believe "it" would go away?

[Anna H]

Reading the interesting threads about how necessary to
us dressing up is, I wondered If I could recall a time that I
truly believed that I was "over it". But now, I don't think I can.

From about 8 to 16, I'd do what I could, when I could. Cut-off jean
mini skirts mostly....I was dying for shoes, but had but no way to
get my own.

My first real girlfriend...when I was 16...knew I'd wear one of her
dresses....but I never dressed fully (makeup/etc). We ended up
living together for several years. I Loved that dress and would wear
it every chance I got. It was no problem.

My second real girlfriend...about 2 years....never knew, but that's
because the first went running her mouth after we broke up...so I'd
just do it in secret with my second. She never knew.

My third...I married...I thought for sure I'd ease into it and all would
be fine. I wasn't driven to dress when we got together, but i knew
I would be soon enough. She hit the ceiling at the first hint of such
a thing. And while that didn't cause the breakup of the marriage, I knew
it'd be a problem at some point. So I wasn't too very heartbroken when
I got my own life back.

All that had short periods of bliss when I could do as I pleased, but
I always wanted a GF, so those times never lasted long.

My now wife knew from the start. All has been Great for 25 years...except
when I had to stop for 10 years due to an on-call 24/7 job. That very
nearly killed me. I wasn't in a good mood the last 5 years of it.

But anyway, I don't recall a single time I'd wished to be done with it.
I just always liked it and never felt guilt or shame.

Just wondering how many ever 'thought for sure' they were 'done with it'.
--Only to have it come back out of nowhere...

♥

[Marcia Blue]

I believed dressing would go away, both times I got married. I really believed......so I was wrong. I now know that dressing is part of who I am. I wish the rest of the world was OK with it.

[MissJoanne]

I believed dressing would go away, both times I got married. I really believed......so I was wrong. I now know that dressing is part of who I am. I wish the rest of the world was OK with it.

Marcia, I could have written this. I had exactly the same thoughts. Now I know it's a part of me. I make the most if it.

[Shy_Confusion]

I absolutely believed it was an aberration of my personality. That I just had to "man up" and it would go away. Even threw away the "CD starter kit" I found when I moved into my place. "I'm not falling for that!", I said. "I'm gonna get it out my system with Halloween this year! And then that will be that!" *You can laugh here.

In short I got set up by female half. It was a sneaky girl trick, and I fell for it; because frankly she's smarter than me.

[suspender]

To me it is like a birthmark. You are born with it whether you like it or not, it can fade sometimes but it is always there. The irony of having an alter ego, which I am glad did not go away.

[Katey888]

Yes Kate - probably several times I thought (and fervently hoped) that it had gone... replaced by being busy and impassioned by other things.

But it won't go, will it? When I started reading threads here (only a couple of months ago...) I thought those who believed this was 'hard-wired' were using physiology or neurology or just plain old biology as a convenient excuse.

I don't think that anymore.

As I type this, happily looking down on red fingernails battering plastic keys (I'll let you know why in a thread later - teaser!!) - I do now want to find a way to at least get to an accommodation with my wife on the need for Katey. Goodness knows how - but where there's a will...

And I'm afraid there are still tinges of guilt and shame - but I recognise now that most of that stems from societal mores - and I'm caring less about that as I go on...

In some ways I wish it would go away - but only if the void it left wouldn't be as painful and shattering as I suspect it would.

I'm beginning to like the Katey part of me... slightly selfish and narcissistic I know, but who amongst us isn't?

Katey x

[PretzelGirl]

I have never even tried to be over it. From the time I started doing anything related to being TG, it has just been an upward trajectory of acceptance.

[Kate Simmons]

It never does go away for most of us Kate. The best thing we can do is accept who we are and accept our feelings and take ownership of them and responsibility for our own actions. If we make it a total choice rather than leave it as a compulsion that puts us in charge as to where and when, Otherwise the process can overwhelm us and that is not good. In short, we make it work for us and just enjoy it.

[dana digs sweaters]

Never.
Never gave it a thought about stopping.
Too much fun when young and continuing on as I grew older.
Every aspect of female clothes that I learned about amazed me.
And even more so after high school to consciously make the decision to purchase the needed items for a complete female look that I could create in private.

[Tina B.]

At times I really believed I had out grown it, once when I went into the service, I really manned up during my time in service. When I got married the first time, I knew having a wife would "cure me", and lastly the second time I got married, I new it was just a matter of finding the right woman, and this time I had.
Of course 5 years latter I was back in a dress, but luckily, this time I had found the right woman, and she had no problem with my life style.
It was at that point in my late 20's I knew it was never going away, and with a accepting wife, I forgot about giving it up and learned to enjoy it, might as well enjoy it, it's going to be a part of life for the rest of my life. And as far as being "cured", I finally realized, I can't be "cured", I'm not sick!

[CarlaWestin]

The first time around I thought that full on, mature relationship immersion would make the dress up desire wane away. It did, except for the bras and water filled forms and pantyhose I kept hidden under the dashboard. Telling my ex just led to the big D. I knew right then and there that it wouldn't go away so I adopted a policy of full disclosure to prospective partners. My tweener (between marriages) pretended to like and accept my creative side but she was just a phoney. And full disclosure to my wife hasn't been the magic key to full appreciation. And besides. I never want it to go away.

[Erica Marie]

I think at one point or another we all have been through this. We make a major life change, be it a gf or wife and we think in our head that it will just go away. We purge and think it will all be better. Well seems it always strikes with a vengance. I have come to learn over the last 30 yrs any further life changes include my dressing or there is no change. It is a part of me and will never just "go away"

[sonialexis]

I'm beginning to like the Katey part of me... slightly selfish and narcissistic I know, but who amongst us isn't?

Katey x

\

I love what you say here katey< i too am learning to accept Sonia and nurture it, at best. I don't want to be ashamed of it anymore. Kate to answer your question I did think would go, if 'I have steady gf' if 'I put on muscle' or 'if I was caught' (and I have been quite a few times along with some really close calls) ' if 'was marooned in an island'. Even then I know now, I would have fashioned something out of the leaves if I had to. I did want it go away too, I prayed it would, and I tried pretty hard too at times. I always came back. Now I don't want it to go I love my sweet little girl in me too much now and it's me.

[Tina_gm]

I hoped and prayed it would go away. I figured if I could just be man enough or tough enough I could make it go away. That it never did used to make me feel like a failure as a man, to want and like feminine things and want to wear women's clothing. Though today I am now more accepting of myself, and I no longer feel like a failure as a man, or person for that manner, I would still take the magic pill to make it go away.

[Milou]

I still see it as a curse, but I guess I have to deal with it someday. I haven't crossdressed for over 7 years and In the last couple of weeks the urge to crossdress hasn't been there at all. I'm so conflicted, it's like 2 spirits are living in my body.

[MarisaRose.]

When I was younger (20's) I would dress for a period of time, and afterward I would put all my things away and look in the mirror and wonder, what was I thinking! As I've grown older I can now look in the mirror before, during and after I've dressed and know that I've never been more sure of who I am. I've never been happier!!!

[sometimes_miss]

I think because it's something we're trained from day one to believe just 'isn't right', that most of us may suppress the desire subconsciously, so we don't know it's there. I didn't grow up a crossdresser; I was a normal boy until I was six. Then the seed was planted that I was really supposed to be a girl (I was molested, but that's another story), and the desire to crossdress and behave like a girl slowly escalated over a few years until it was there all the time. By high school, it was overwhelming to the point that if I didn't crossdress, I'd be completely just generally uncomfortable all the time, to the point where I couldn't study or concentrate on anything, and I would become short tempered. The first time the desire waned was when I had my first girlfriend; of course, I was so preoccupied with my new love that I didn't notice the absence of crossdressing. All I wanted, was her. And I later discovered, my desire to crossdress was triggered by a lack of physical affection (touch, caress, hug, non-sexual things) in my life. That loss takes a while; usually depends on how long I'm with someone. Long term relationships, it lasts about six months before the need to crossdress comes back. If only dating for a few times, it may only be a few weeks. So I've found a way to keep the demons away; pay for companionship. It's not cheap, but it works for me. Yes, the desire is still there, but for the most part, it's tolerable as long as I can keep the stress levels in my life from ALL other things under control. A relationship isn't necessarily the answer; while married, and my relationship with my wife became a battlefield, the desire to crossdress was too much, so I indulged, eventually resulting in a divorce. Before that, I had several romantic relationships, several lasting a year during which I did not crossdress, and another, two and a half years. So it can be done......at least, for a while. But like death and taxes, it never goes away.

[Lucy Lou]

That's me. I used to purge and then regret it but, thanks to this site, I will not do it again and I am happy at who I am. The truth be known, I prefer being dressed as a woman that I do as a man any day. Girls are so lucky, they have so many wonderful things to ware. The lingerie, the dresses, the shoes, the make up, the jewelry. I will always dress because it is a put of me and makes me feel most comfortable and real.

I think when you have dressed hundreds of times over years like I have it really is a no brainer to think that I can hide away from something so important. Where I live people are not very open minded about such things and any cross dresser is talked about with disdain. On hearing such things I chuckle to myself and think 'if you only knew'.

You are what you are, and dressing is a wonderful expression of that. Lucy Lou xx

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Yes ... & it did for decades & only resurfaced last fall . After reading countless posts as to nature vs . nurture , I can tell you from truly personal experience that an avalanche of stressors resulted in me experimenting with the creature & then creating the Frankenstein monster. I truly wish that I did not cd as it has caused further unsettling, but on the other hand, it has provided incredible inner peace & joy. At this stage in my marriage, I can only fully underdress 1-2 times per week, but the excitement , joy & thrill of wearing lingerie,etc. is simply beyond description!!! I too have reconciled that Melissa is here to stay, that she wants to grow in her feminine journey & someday dress 24/ 7 if she so chose. Yes, there is no cure for cding & for that, I sometimes loathe that fact & then envelope myself in the joy. Need to work on the contradictions. Peace, mel

[MsVal]

I read quite a few tales of hardship stemming from crossdressing. I suspect the lives of many on this forum would be simpler and less anxious if they never had the urge to crossdress. For those people, yes, it would be a blessing to be done with crossdressing. They could be spending time, money, and attention on things that unite families, not divide them. Am I in that group? I don't know. I am so confused.

Some write about it providing a feeling of relaxation, euphoria, or excitement. So do alcohol, drugs, and gambling, but if it were those instead of crossdressing, we would be having a very different conversation.

... now let me tell you about the really cute brown, knee length, tooled leather, fur lined boots I saw yesterday ...

Best wishes
MsVal

[Dawn Gurl]

Over the years, I tried to make it go away, but, it either never left or just came back. Now at 58, I don't want it to go away. I've learned to except that a very large part of me is and always will be female. It simply cannot be helped, it's there in the way I think and act everyday. I regret years ago trying to ignore it, and hoping it might just go away.... I should have embraced it then and enjoyed that important side of me !!

[Beverley Sims]

I will start believing that after I see god walk down Sunset Boulevard.

[rachaelsloane]

Like others have said, "It never goes away".
When I was married (before the internet) my wife knew and we would set a day/night, shipping off our daughter (our only) to a friends house, etc. My next two GF's never knew and I would find time while they were out to quickly dress.
Before going forward, let me preface that over those 40 years, I never went out (except for the quick walk to the mail box, etc.), never really had real desire to, only a fantasy.
After breaking up with with my last GF, I joined this forum, met one of the girls on this forum and went out for the first time, and the world did not end.
Over this time, lost count of how many, I've met many more girls from here as well as only going out to mainstream places (restaurants, theaters, museums, etc.) and am have too good a time.
So to answer your question,

Did you ever honestly believe "it" would go away?

, no, but now the real problem, should I meet someone, is that during all my previous relationships, I was able to suppress the desire/need to dress, but no longer.
The ultimate would be to meet someone while in "Rachael" mode.

[Erica Anne]

I have often hoped and believed it would go away. When I got married the first time, I was able to suppress it, ignore it. When I discovered what my ex-wife was hiding from me, why am I holding back on who I am if she cannot sacrifice her inner desires why should I. From that point onward if she want to go out, let her, I will stay home wearing her clothes....hahaha. I have a lot of resentment for my ex-wife. She left me with a lot of baggage to unload. From that point onward, my feminine side will always be a part of me so why not enjoy life ? There may be truth to this, "the only cure to cross dressing is to cross dress."

[Vanessa Rose]

honestly, I never did want it to go away. I only wanted it more, closer to me, to touch it, feel it. be...it (Vanessa).

V