hi everybody,
this post exactly doubles my previous "started threads"--err "thread." sorry about the non-particpation. there are so many good participators out here that when i finally think of something to say somebody has usually said it. also i'm a bit of a wall flower. and a luddite. i can't even figure out how to get my profile pic from being sideways.
i wanted-- scratch that--needed to thank everyone involved in this forum who speak up, who record their experience, who share their stories. it has come in handy for me particularly in the past few months. i find comfort in the collective. there is comfort when you read this forum and there are moments of realization like "holy shit, that's just like me!"
so...
this past month i have been going through a breakup(?) with my wife of 23 years. a "separation." we are in a close knit family and as such there was no way to hide the real reason we were/are having difficulty. consequently i have had to come out to my best friends, my sisters(one of them knew, as she is also trans), and my mom and dad (who apparently tinkered with cross dressing himself. he shared this with me after i revealed my gender variancy.) everyone was very loving and accepting(including a couple of friends that i in jerry springer fashion showed up as lilly. the only heartbreak from everyone and really disbelief was that we were separating because we are such a good couple.
there is no animosity between me and my wife. we love each other. i may just be missing something she needs. the tragedy is that she was the one that pushed me into therapy. where i began to get over my shame issues. where i began accepting and loving myself to the point of embracing my femaleness in a synergistic boy/girl gooey paradigm. as this was happening my wife felt like i was slipping away. or maybe past tense is more appropriate. we cry all the time. we vow that we will always be together the question of "how" or "as what" unanswered, dangling precipitously.
i'm living in a corporate temporary housing thingie at the moment. though it's terribly depressing, there are moments of exhilaration in that i am living here as a trans person. out-ish in the open. when i write in my journal, every entry either begins or ends with-- "i don't know what's going to happen…" it's scary.
but always i eventually return to this site not only because of the value as a human collective resource but because of the stories. sometimes goofy, sometimes practical, sometimes heartbreaking.
so i guess nobody ever really knows what's going to happen but in the meantime i just wanted to say thanks peeps.
xoxo
Lilly
...
Barbie 
