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Thread: Why do people choose to keep their crossdressing a secret?

  1. #26
    Member Audrey Sis's Avatar
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    A little late, but: I shared this part of myself with my ex-wife Before we married or even got very serious. However, that wasn't until I was 28 years old. I feared ridicule and social ostracization before that. Now I still keep it to myself mostly, though I did post it on facebook last year lol... long time friends were supportive. I never would keep it from an SO, but for me that openness is necessary because I don't "perform" well without it.

    Don't dream it. Be it.

  2. #27
    Senior Member Robin777's Avatar
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    I do not keep my crossdressing secret from my wife, I like Dawn03 told my wife before we were married. I would never reveal it to my parents, as they would never understand. I also would not reveal it to either one of my brothers as I can just imagine what they would say. My co-workers would probably ridicule and ostracize me. So I don't plan on revealing it. I feel it better staying a privately shared secret between me and my wife. Unless something happens that changes the way society treats us, it is staying a secret. I don't see anything changing anytime soon.

  3. #28
    Senior Member MsVal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Audrey Sis View Post
    I did post it on facebook last year lol... long time friends were supportive. I never would keep it from an SO, but for me that openness is necessary because I don't "perform" well without it.
    How about that? You feared the worst and got the best. The anxiety would have interfered with intimacy more than the disclosure did. That sounds like a win-win situation, and I am happy for you.


    Quote Originally Posted by Robin777 View Post
    I do not keep my crossdressing secret from my wife ... I would never reveal it to my parents ... would not reveal it to either one of my brothers ... co-workers would probably ridicule and ostracize me. So I don't plan on revealing it. I feel it better staying a privately shared secret between me and my wife.
    <edits for brevity MV>

    I understand, Robin, that's the condition I have at this time. I don't plan to keep it a secret long term though because as hard as it was to keep it a secret from my wife, she now has to carry the burden of a secret. Your situation is unique to you and your wife, but I don't think it is fair to mine.

    Best wishes
    MsVal
    Last edited by Katey888; 02-15-2014 at 03:22 PM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.. again...

  4. #29
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    The fundamental problem is that you cannot predict how any given person will react to one's disclosure. That is the problem. You cannot unring a bell. You can say that chances are that someone will respond positively when told, but all that is is a probability; nothing more.

    Everyone's situation is different. There may be family, work or social reasons why one may chose not to disclose. Further, one's perceptions of those reasons can vary, person to person. One's perception of the consequences can also vary. It's a complicated situation with a ton of variations. What's right for you may almost be guaranteed to be not so right for someone else...

  5. #30
    Member Taylor Ray's Avatar
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    In my case, its not a secret. But, like other parts of my life, it isn't something I announce. I guess the question would become more poignant if I wanted to dress in public and present as a woman. Usually when friends come over they get a sense of whats up from the way my place is decorated and the stuff I have.

    I have read a lot of posts about CDs with SOs who don't know. That sounds like a difficult situation and sort of a double life, especially if living together. Where would you keep all your dresses, wigs, and panties?

  6. #31
    A woman developing Candy Cox's Avatar
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    My wife would be very upset, so it is "better" to keep it a secret.
    Better since I value keeping the peace and having life be free from fighting and conflict.
    So a secret seems a small price compared to making a big problem by trying to get her to accept it.
    Candy

  7. #32
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    I had been keeping my Cding completely secret from my wife for about a decade. Last week, though, I was called away from the laptop while on this site and I left the page open. At dinner the next evening, My wife of 30 years said, "We have to talk! I know your little secret". Amazingly, we had a very frank and open discussion for about an hour in which I assured her that my need to dress is not a sexual thing, that I still love her and desire her and that she should not feel threatened. We concluded the discussion with me promising not to ever allow myself to be photographed en femme (for fear of kids and grandkids seeing me on Youtube or Facebook) and that she has no interest in seeing me dressed and to not be seen dressed by family or friends. I understand and fully respect her concerns and I considered this a "good first step" in a journey of many small steps to gain her acceptance and maybe even her support. But that will take time and effort to work through.

    Had I answered this question before that conversation, I would have supported just keeping my CD'ing in secret. But, now I am so very relieved that the genie is out of the bottle and, while I must live within constraints, I no longer live in fear of the unknown reaction, which had been my greatest concern. Recognizing that all wives and SO's will not react so calmly and objectively, I am now strongly in the corner of having "the talk" at some point. It has been so fruitful for me and I am now "free" to enjoy my dressing, at home, without fear of discovery.

  8. #33
    Bunny Bordello rachel_rachel's Avatar
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    I don't keep this part of me a secret as such, I'm just selective with who knows..
    I was forced to walk away from doing voluntary work at my local sports club because of it..

    I suppose we keep it secret because we live in society that doesn't understand anything but vanilla, and we're surrounded by cavemen.
    i am what I am, I do what I do..
    i do not seek approval from others.

  9. #34
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    I'm scared to tell people because of repocustions.

  10. #35
    Senior Member MsVal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by flatlander_48 View Post
    It's a complicated situation with a ton of variations.
    Manager training 101: As a manager you will be required to make decisions based on incomplete and inaccurate information, for to wait until all the information is complete and vetted is to wait until the opportunity has passed.

    As applied to this topic I think the incomplete and inaccurate information would be how the wife will respond; the opportunity passing would be when she finds out on her own.


    Quote Originally Posted by Taylor Ray View Post
    In my case, its not a secret. [...] Where would you keep all your dresses, wigs, and panties?
    I thought mudflap boxes and left over 5 gallon paint cans were invented for storing things you wanted to hide.

    Quote Originally Posted by Candy Cox View Post
    My wife would be very upset, so it is "better" to keep it a secret. [...]
    a small price compared to making a big problem by trying to get her to accept it.
    Candy says the stress and anxiety of maintaining the secret is less that the stress and anxiety of disclosure.
    On the other hand, while disclosure may bring up a whole lot of problems, others report that they largely go away with time, through eventual acceptance or divorce. The stress of maintaining the secret does not.

    Best wishes
    MsVal
    Last edited by Katey888; 02-15-2014 at 03:21 PM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts - please use edit in future...

  11. #36
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    Robin777,
    I agree "I feel it better staying a privately shared secret between me and my wife." The risk is too great to tell any one else.

  12. #37
    Senior Member MsVal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AKADonna View Post
    ... secret from my wife for about a decade [...] "We have to talk! I know your little secret". [...] we had a very frank and open discussion [...] now I am so very relieved [...] I must live within constraints, I no longer live in fear of the unknown reaction [...] I am now strongly in the corner of having "the talk" at some point..
    I am thrilled to read of your good fortune Donna. Do you find yourself wishing you had made the disclosure earlier, at a time and place of your choosing?

    Best wishes
    MsVal

    Quote Originally Posted by rachel_rachel View Post
    ... I'm just selective with who knows. ... I was forced to walk away from doing voluntary work [ ...] we live in society that doesn't understand anything but vanilla.
    <Full disclosure: I am a volunteer-holic>
    The best thing about losing a volunteer position is the new free time to use for dressing.
    HEY! Vanilla is the most popular flavor of ice cream. Oh, wait, that was your point wasn't it?

    Best wishes
    MsVal

    Quote Originally Posted by Katie_89 View Post
    I'm scared to tell people because of repocustions.
    Okay, here we are at post number 35 before Katie summarizes reason that most crossdressers don't disclose it to their wife/SO.

    Congratulations Katie. You have the courage to admit that you lack courage. (huh?)

    Best wishes
    MsVal
    Last edited by DAVIDA; 02-16-2014 at 05:19 AM. Reason: This is the last time your posts will be merged. Your posts will be deleted if you do it again.

  13. #38
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    Fear! Fear of the unknown! You younger forum participants have a lot more access to material that will guide you through life's experiences. I am a mature cross dresser. When I was a teenager in the 1960's it was impossible to find anything concerning sex let alone cross dressing. Yep, there was Playboy magazine guarded by the newsstand proprietor, who would scream at you to "Get away from that magazine." The Kinsey Report was guarded behind the librarian's desk. If you had raging hormones as a teenager, and, you wore your mother's or sister's clothing on occasion, what could you conclude? You do you confide in? There were straight's and "faggots" as guys who wore female clothing were assumed to be. If you were presented with this conflict, how do you reconcile the raging hormones with wearing female clothing? If you think we of the 1960's could present this to a woman, well, you just do not understand the times.

    Maybe you thought your wife would cure you. Marrying that sweet girl had to be the cure! Failure! Several years of not having the urge eventually gave way to resumption of something you did not understand. How would a wife react to this disclosure in the 1960's and 1970's. Well, it would have been the boot out the door, shunned by family and friend, beat up by "faggot" haters.

    So, we prayed the urge would be driven from us. Fear.

    In my case my wife and I played bedroom games and all was well. All was well until she discovered I bought a red Vanity Fair bra. Well, explain that my dear. We did not get divorced. We had the "talk." The telling comment form her was she wished she had not told me of her youthful indiscretions and mistakes. Those indiscretions and mistakes may have driven another male from ever considering her as a mate. I did not turn and run. Why not? Maybe because of my secret which was then years in the past. I still could not reconcile my past behavior.

    Now. It's DADT. She knows I cross dress when she is at work. I do have anxiety about it necause DADT means I do not discuss my wardrobe with her. Anxiety over the fact if I pass on before her, she will ultimately discover sixteen Xerox boxes containing heels, dresses (100+), slips (400+), panties, girdles, wigs....... Of course, if passes on first, then my anxiety is transferred to children who know nothing of my cross dressing.

    So, the cycle of fear of the unknown reactions will always continue for the vast majority of us.

  14. #39
    Member Bea A's Avatar
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    My wife knows and I now dress full time at home (more androgynous and no makeup if I go out). What kept me from telling her was simply - FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. Once I told her, she went through all of the question every other spouse has. She is on this forum, but less active than me. The best asset for her has been the Tri-Ess group we belong to. The leader of our group and is wife have become one of our closest friends. My 1st wife didn't react this way when I told her....

  15. #40
    Bunny Bordello rachel_rachel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MsVal View Post
    <Full disclosure: I am a volunteer-holic>
    The best thing about losing a volunteer position is the new free time to use for dressing.
    HEY! Vanilla is the most popular flavor of ice cream. Oh, wait, that was your point wasn't it?

    Best wishes
    MsVal
    Not too sure about the free time, I just go and make myself busier, work mainly.
    Vanilla is a term I use quite a bit for mainstream.. And if doesn't fit in with others.... Like I also said, they need to pick up their knuckles from the ground.
    i am what I am, I do what I do..
    i do not seek approval from others.

  16. #41
    Member scarletcd's Avatar
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    For me it's just the area and the type of person who lives around here. Its still quite a sheltered straight male dominated area so to 'come out' is a scary prospect. Although most of my closest friends know and my partner who I told well before we even started dating. Just being selective I guess.

  17. #42
    New Member eddiegae's Avatar
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    I remain in the closet for fear of how my spouse will react. And my friends as well. Will they be accepting? Not likely, they are a very conservative group in this regard. Bible believing fundementalist. And I'm glad they are, but it means i must remain hidden. but for how long? sooner or later my wife will discover my clothes an then what?

  18. #43
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    MsVal, how old are you? I am envious of anyone under thirty, who have come of age in a more enlightened era, and have enough youth left in them to really rock a dress.

    As an over fifty, I grew up surrounded by poisonous attitudes towards any male that was less than a "man's man". Anyone appearing even slightly effeminate was considered fair game to be singled out, harassed, ridiculed, beaten, or even killed. My own father said more than once, "Look at that. Is it a boy or girl? That makes me sick. What IT needs is a bullet in ITs head". That stays with you forever and makes you believe every one feels similarly, if less extreme. In that same atmosphere, many girls also learn that femininity is unacceptable.

    Under those conditions, the real question is, Why would any man ever admit to being a crossdresser? I am glad we have moved forward enough so that I have the freedom to express my feminInity, but it hasn't always been safe to do it.

  19. #44
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    Hi MsVal'
    I've jumped in late on this one, my wife knows I cd but we have a DADT relationship. Your third point about anxiety and stress screws me up and doesn't help me.
    Many have commented on not telling because of bad reactions from family, friends or co-workers but don't forget they not all living perfect lives they may have worse problems than you, the fact that you don't know doesn't make it go away for them. We tend to think when we get a bad reaction from someone that they must know about you but they may be desperate to talk themselves.

  20. #45
    Junior Member Robert's Avatar
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    I'm new to this forum, but the reason I finally joined, after lurking for a year, was because my wife has forced me out of the closet.

    My wife is an alcoholic, and gets abusive and aggressive when she drinks. A week ago, while we were arguing about another issue, she called me a bunch of names that were related to the lingerie she had discovered in my dressing room. The cat is well and truly out of the bag. By one token, I am happy that my secret is now out in the open and I don't have to hide it from her anymore. However I'm also now concerned she has a weapon she can use against me whenever she wants, or is confronted with difficult situations. I have children from my first marriage, and am concerned that she will reveal all to them. They don't need their lives complicated in this way.

    I hadn't told her about my crossdressing activities precisely because I was scared of how she would react. Her anger and abuse make me think I was right to keep this part of me private. I suspect that our marriage is doomed.

    That's why I have come to this forum. I have no one else to talk to about this. So, thank you all for sharing your stories and experiences.

  21. #46
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    I find it better not to bring it up I dress in private, but I like to keep my girl side separate from the guy life

  22. #47
    Senior Member samantha rogers's Avatar
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    Hi Robert...welcome...I really feel for you. Your situation sounds awful, and it breaks my heart. Chin up, honey...and trust you will get through this and there well may be a better place on the other side. You are not alone.
    I also feel a deep empathy for all that need to remain closeted. Until very recently I was myself both closeted and in deep denial over a very many years. My heart breaks a little more ever time I read so very many of the stories, tales and situations endured by so many here. It is a lonely place to be, and a world of stress to carry, all on top of whatever it takes for each of us to accept and love the feminine side of our souls ourselves.I know because it was my life for so long. I weep a little, quite regularly, when I remember all the pain that is out there in the dark. It is so tragically ironic that something that brings us all so much joy must also, in so many cases, be accompanied by so much fear and loneliness.
    Though I have now had "the talk" we are still working through it. As I mentioned elsewhere, I now believe disclosure to your SO is the best and most perfect answer, though I also understand fully that this is a painfully personal decision, and one that can only be determined by the individual herself, and the unique situation they face. I will be the very last to offer judgement against any, or to offer anything but understanding and support.
    While it is joyous to read of so many who have conquered these fears, and found acceptance with their loved ones or in one way or another reconciled their situation and moved forward in a happy and healthy way (and there is so much joy in my heart for all of you), I just cannot forget all of those who have not yet found a way out of the dark.
    Essentially, places like this forum allow us the comfort of "holding hands in the dark", and though it may be small comfort to those who live with the most fear and pain and anguish, it is far better than none...and I for one am extremely grateful for all the comfort and support I can find.
    My heart goes out to all of you.
    Hugs

  23. #48
    Part time CD girl Lexi Moralas's Avatar
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    For me it's pretty simple why to keep it a secret , I like me fem side to be totally separate from my regular life. I have no desire to go full time or transition, it's something that is just for me and no one else. Kind of like escaping into a whole different person. So mixing the 2 worlds on any level would some what spoil the experience for me. Now that my SO found out and decided she is not ok with it, I am doing me best to put cding aside. But even if she had no problem with it , I am not sure I would want her involved in my cding. Like I said its just for me

  24. #49
    Senior Member samantha rogers's Avatar
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    Honey, good luck "putting it aside", but I am sure you know that cannot be for long. Another thing to consider is that the need and desire, no matter how certain we may be at any point, often grows rather than dissipates as we age. Sorry your SO has not reacted more favorably. I wish you the best.
    Hugs

  25. #50
    Member LadyInRed's Avatar
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    simple enough, I don't keep secrets from my wife.
    I stopped for many years and got back into it, but before I did i made sure she was aware and "ok" with it.
    as for the rest of the world, there is no way i could pass en femme plus I work with some incredibly homophobic individuals and that would make my professional life difficult, they've done it before and is all within appropriate guidelines / the law, and it would add a lot of problems to the workday and potentially could end with me having to leave my current job. so not worth it
    Jamie Dee

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