Wow, I didn't expect this kind of response, and didn't have time to follow up on them yesterday.
I'll summarize and throw in my thoughts.
Secret Drawer said:
After a lifetime of living in the closet, many are completely unprepared to reveal this secret. It is likely to be a much bigger deal in our own heads then to others around us, including our spouses. However, this fear of the unknown (how our spouses will react) plus this dwelling in our own heads issue can overwhelm many.
Fear, sometimes exaggerated, seems to be the prevailing reason for many to keep it a secret.
Samantha Rogers wrote:
I was always fearful before of losing her, but also, of bringing her pain that might simply be avoided by my continued silence. In recent years, though, and finally, I have reached acceptance of myself, and an understanding and love for this side of me. In the process the strain of living a lie with her became simply too much to bear.
This resonates with me. I too recently disclosed to my wife my desire to wear feminine clothing. It hurt her badly and it hurt me to be the source of her pain. It was more than falling down on my "manly" duty to protect her, I was causing the hurt. (P.S. Hi neighbor)
Dawn03 revealed it her wife and few others because:
I do not want to burden them with having to keep a secret
MaryBeth29 is "still discovering myself"
I can identify with that, and I imagine many others can too.
Karren Hutton took a different approach:
I think most peoples fears aren't rooted in reality....... and based on my wifes reactions.... their fears are way way understated! WAY!
While I (and others, I'm sure) are extremely delighted to read of Karren's successful disclosure, I know from my own experience that it isn't always that way.
LeighR must have disclosed it to her wife. Her wife is not accepting and she respects her wife's feelings.
Katey888 brought up three good points:
1) The general stigma
2) The potential pain [to others]
3) The impact ... on my career ... charitable work ... local community
#1 You're right about about that, and nothing will change it in the short term.
#2 Your wife already has too much on her plate, it is noble to want to protect her.
#3 You have to earn a living. Some career paths and charities are incompatible with any kind of "deviant" behavior.
(P.S. That's a WONDERFUL photo. I'm envious.)
LovelyGeek got quite a surprise when she disclosed to her wife:
when I finally told my wife - she was sad that I hadn't told her sooner because she wants to support me. Totally not the reaction I thought she was going to have.
HeatherDress told of his wife, with whom it was difficult to communicate:
We select secrecy even though we risk possible discovery. We decide to keep crossdressing a secret, perhaps best answered because we have to.
Alice Torn: "constant harrassment, and ridicule, and misunderstandings, more isolation"
Alice grew up in a very difficult family and what little relations still exist are already strained. I wish you well, Alice
Aretha had a bad disclosure that took four months to turn positive:
Kept it secret from my wife for 30+ yrs! came out last October. ... Things are starting to really be better ,much more accepting of who I really am.
I am hoping to be able to report the same thing in the months ahead. Like you, I am doing all I know, all I can, to be the best husband that I can be.
RADER said it is about the loss of respect:
"if people around me saw me wearing a dress; well my respect would be gone in an instance"
Sometimes_Miss provided a valuable Public Service Announcement regarding the very real possibility of losing not only a spouse, but access to children, and financial loss.
The forum has reports of many of those unfortunate cases. My heart is heavy with each one I read.
Dani0948 calls it a gamble, but a gamble she will take some time this year.
Go big, Dani, or go home.
Thanks everyone for your participation in my little query.
I did not get an answer to number three. Perhaps I worded it poorly. It may be the topic of another new post.
Is the excitement of closet crossdressing made even more exciting by the knowledge that it is a secret? Is it like driving fast on a winding road, with tires squealing on the turns? Danger may be right around the next turn, and the knowledge of that possibility makes it even more exciting?
Best wishes
MsVal