Why do people choose to keep their crossdressing a secret?

[MsVal]

In a post titled Apologizing to my spouse. TroublesGalore wrote of being wrong in assuming her wife's beliefs regarding crossdressing.

That post brought up some interesting questions in my mind for those that have not disclosed their crossdressing to their wife/SO/girlfriend:

• Could you be wrong about your belief that it is better to keep it a secret?
• Could you be misjudging her, giving her less credit for love & understanding than she deserves?
• Could you be harboring needless anxiety and stress, or is the anxiety and stress a positive addition to the excitement of crossdressing?

I do not want to imply that the decision to disclose one's legitimate need to crossdress should be taken lightly. This can be, by many first hand accounts, an incredibly difficult discussion. It has lead to the breakup of otherwise solid marriages.

Nor do I wish to demean those that have not disclosed, or encourage any kind of disclosure. Only you know your specific situation and it would be most foolish for someone else, particularly me to claim a higher ground.

Why do people choose to keep their crossdressing a secret?

Best wishes
MsVal

[Brittany CD]

Personally I find it better not to bring it up, it can be really loaded for people and can bring up so many questions. I might mention that I enjoy wearing women's clothes if a girl I know is absolutely okay with a guy dressing in private, but I like to keep my girl side separate from the guy life

[Secret Drawer]

It must be assumed that fear is the number one factor here. After a lifetime of living in the closet, many are completely unprepared to reveal this secret. It is likely to be a much bigger deal in our own heads then to others around us, including our spouses. However, this fear of the unknown (how our spouses will react) plus this dwelling in our own heads issue can overwhelm many. People who are within the huge world of crossdressing, from fetishists to full blown gender dysphoric trans(folk), all have individual reason to fear this disclosure. For some it becomes a necessity, for some it never really would matter either way.
To answer your specific questions, I feel it is likely that considering the utter relief you feel after coming out of the closet, that it is wrong to believe it is BETTER to keep it a secret. (You may HAVE to keep it a secret, but in a perfect scenerio it would be better not to!)
The second question is more difficult and case by case. Some couples can really read each other on a deep emotional level, and KNOW that their SO will have a hard time with it, but maybe for others it is an unfounded fear, but it is hard to say.
I think anyone who is in the closet about anything is harboring potentially huge doses of anxiety and stress, and in my own way of thinking about anxiety and stress, I would much much rather live without either of them, so personally those feelings do not add to my crossdressing enjoyment.

[samantha rogers]

How very ironic. I am going through this very process, and we are essentially neighbors, honey.
Another SE Mi member here.
For me, it was a mixture of things, and honestly I am still not 100% sure I have done the right thing by confessing, but, well...that geni can't go back in the bottle. LOL
I kept it deeply and totally secret from her for more than twenty years, through the normal purchase/purge cycles and the hills and valleys of euphoria and self loathing. I was always fearful before of losing her, but also, of bringing her pain that might simply be avoided by my continued silence. In recent years, though, and finally, I have reached acceptance of myself, and an understanding and love for this side of me. In the process the strain of living a lie with her became simply too much to bear. I have yet to see where this train is going. There have been a lot of tears...I expect more to come. One day at a time. You know?
PS - GO Tigers!

[Dianne S]

I do not keep it a secret from my wife; I told her before we were married. I've also told my mother.

However, I do keep it a secret from my kids. I feel that right now they're too young to deal with a crossdressing dad. I'm not ashamed of what I do, but I don't want to place the burden of my crossdressing on them. If they tell peers, they're likely to suffer ridicule and I do not want to burden them with having to keep a secret, so it's best not to go there.

[MaryBeth29]

For me, I guess I have to differentiate between people knowing my interest in crossdressing without actually seeing me versus knowing and seeing. I have absolutely no problem when I'm out shopping for clothing for myself mentioning to the SAs that I'm shopping for myself, so in that that sense, I do not keep it a secret. However, I don't bring it up to people in my life, because: 1) I'm still discovering myself, 2) I'm a very private person (so no one has actually seen me dressed), and 3) It's just not a topic that feels appropriate to bring up in many situations.

[JazT95]

For me, it might be a lil bit of 'fear of the unknown' like previously mentioned. But I also find that I live a perfectly happy life as a guy, and I'm scared that coming out about dressing might in some way compromise that. All that considered, it just makes sense for me to keep everything separate.

[Karren H]

I think most peoples fears aren't rooted in reality....... and based on my wifes reactions.... their fears are way way understated! WAY!

[Rachael Leigh]

For many reputation is everything and to shatter that with revealing what is still taboo for many would just not work, yes society is becoming more accepting but I understand the part to keep it hidden. I know I do want to be more open but with my wife who does not accept this I have to respect that and I don't want to push it on my family who Im sure would just reject it anyway and I don't really need that.
So I come here for safety instead.
Hugs Leigh

[Katey888]

Speaking personally (is there any other way..? ) three principal reasons:

1) The general stigma and misunderstanding associated with CD/TG folk

2) The potential pain and misunderstanding that may be undergone by close family, specifically my wife (who has enough to deal with)

3) The impact of that on my career and potential job prospects as well as charitable work undertaken for the local community

Secret Drawer said it right for me when she said it may be better in some ways to be honest, but it is not necessarily the right thing to do, depending on circumstances.

And you too MsVal - you are right to highlight that we each as individuals have to make a choice and live with that choice. It is ours and ours alone and we live with the potential consequences both ways.

I don't think I would have revealed as much as I have on this site if I was still pursuing an active career - but then the need that I feel can be satisfied with just a few hours a week... For others where the drive is much stronger the decision to supress that is much more difficult and I truly feel for those in that situation.

Katey x

[deebra]

Embarassment

[LovelyGeek]

I agree with what most other people here already said. Fear.
Fear of rejection I would say is the reason most people don't bring it up.
I know that was it for me - and the fact that I had not told anyone ever in my life, the 20+ years I knew I was a CD.

The interesting part is that when I finally told my wife - she was sad that I hadn't told her sooner because she wants to support me.
Totally not the reaction I thought she was going to have.

But yeah, Fear.

[Adriana Moretti]

Everyone has different reasons...and all i read in here are great...as a happily single gal Katey's #3 rings true for me

3) The impact of that on my career and potential job prospects as well as charitable work undertaken for the local community

[heatherdress]

I did not crossdress when married to my exwife - but if I did, I would not have told her, could not have told her. I knew her quite well - and I knew how narrow-minded she was.

Further, it was more than trust, or honesty or willingness to communicate. I tried and had professional help. But I could not share even simple feelings with her. She had no empathy. She was abusive and controlling.

It would be great if all relationships and marriages were healthy, if we all had open-minded spouses and SOs, if we could share all our feelings and desires with them, if we had good communications skills, if we were not concerned about children, if we did not want to hurt someone we love because we know this would hurt them, if we were not worried about family or neighbors, if we did not worry about discovery effecting our jobs.

We select secrecy even though we risk possible discovery. We decide to keep crossdressing a secret, perhaps best answered because we have to.

[traci_k]

Fear - told my wife I'm transgender - we're on the verge of splitting up like many others here. CDing would not have been any different. Granted my wife is on the extreme edge of fundamentalist, but some will not accept anything.

Those of you wife supportive SO's Trasure them.

Hugs,

[Alice Torn]

It would certainly let off tons of pent up stress, grief, frustration, and pressure, to come out to toxic family, of origin, which, sadly is my only physical family, and many others, but the flip side would be constant harrassment, and ridicule, and misunderstandings, more isolation, in an already lonely, isolated life.

[Christina Kay]

Kept it secret from my wife for 30+ yrs! came out last October. Until just the last few days , would regret the decision almost daily. Things are starting to really be better ,much more accepting of who I really am. Still a slow process,but very encouraging. Fortunately my wife has always been such an empathetic woman. I surmise from doing some research about the Tg/Ts persona she is becoming more understanding though apprehensive at times. I now am truly being who I have always needed to be. I am so lucky to be the girl iam now. For me it's the mannerisms I need to express most. The dressing is just the frosting on the cake, but then again I really love frosting

[RADER]

My late Wife was OK with my dressing, however society just does not accept the fact that some men
like to wear womans clothes. So Embarrassment is the rill of the land.
Over the years, I have built up a high level of respectability, and if people around me saw me wearing
a dress; well my respect would be gone in an instance. I worked very hard to achieve tis, so thats why I am in the closet.
Rader

[AllieSF]

I would add another question to your list:

• Could one have thoroughly weighed the pros and cons, the risks and rewards, and the strong need or smaller need to disclose and decided that it was not the thing to do?

Your questions seem to be focusing on excuses and ignore that there can be some very valid reasons for not telling. And yes, there can be valid reasons.

Everyone has to make their own decision based on their own unique circumstances. No one on the outside really knows what is at risk and what will actually happen after the big reveal, including the revealer.

I believe that one should, if they can, tell at least their long term SO and especially their spouse if married. However, I know some personal circumstances of friends where telling meant or could mean loosing, and loosing very big. In one case the person lost the access to his children for many years as Mom decided to leave the country with them after the divorce. So that person lost his children and then lost financially because the ex-wife refused to let him get the children Social Security numbers so that he could at least take the large child support as a income tax deduction.

We can recommend but we can not and should not "insist' nor coerce others to do what we think is best for them.

[Beverley Sims]

To stay married and keep family peace.
To avoid ridicule.
Perceived and real shame.
I could go on.

[sometimes_miss]

Could you be wrong about your belief that it is better to keep it a secret?

I don't know; if you want to be 'out', then it's not better to keep it a secret. But if you want to avoid confrontations, then it IS better to keep it a secret.

Could you be misjudging her, giving her less credit for love & understanding than she deserves?

Only you will know. There's a lot of seemingly accepting women who change their opinion about crossdressers when it's THEIR male mate who suddenly wants to wear women's clothes and behave as a female (I'm one of them). It's the NIMBY syndrome.

Could you be harboring needless anxiety and stress, or is the anxiety and stress a positive addition to the excitement of crossdressing?

Anxiety and stress is the result of considering all the negative results of coming out to someone. It has the potential for completely destroying everything in your current life as you know it. In a matter of days, you can lose your SO, your family, your friends, your job, your credit, and all your assets, should your SO be very pissed off about your 'fooling her' about who you are. Sure, it doesn't always happen like that, but there are plenty of men who have had similar experiences.
NO IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO EVERYONE. I NEVER WROTE THAT. BUT IT IS CERTAINLY POSSIBLE! DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED, BECAUSE COMING OUT TO A SO IS A ONE WAY TRIP AKIN TO GOING OVER NIAGRA FALLS IN A BARREL. There's no going back; unless, of course, you change your name and move far away, or go into witness protection programs. This has been a public service announcement.

[Dani0948]

Some of us that reveal wind up in a better situation and some worse. You really are throwing the dice. As much as I would like to believe that my wife of 29 years would be accepting, I'm just not sure. If she's not accepting, then the best I can hope for is DADT (not really better than now). I still hope to reveal later this year, but may not, as I will not put more stress into her life just so I can dress.

[Kate Simmons]

Some are concerned with repercussions for themselves and their families if it was generally known. Just remember: "A secret known to two is no longer a secret."

[Tracii G]

Some people just don't feel the need to scream it from the roof tops or force/demand everyone to understand/accept why they dress.
Not any of my business to be honest.Its up to each person as to what they choose to do.

[MsVal]

Wow, I didn't expect this kind of response, and didn't have time to follow up on them yesterday.

I'll summarize and throw in my thoughts.

Secret Drawer said:

After a lifetime of living in the closet, many are completely unprepared to reveal this secret. It is likely to be a much bigger deal in our own heads then to others around us, including our spouses. However, this fear of the unknown (how our spouses will react) plus this dwelling in our own heads issue can overwhelm many.

Fear, sometimes exaggerated, seems to be the prevailing reason for many to keep it a secret.

Samantha Rogers wrote:

I was always fearful before of losing her, but also, of bringing her pain that might simply be avoided by my continued silence. In recent years, though, and finally, I have reached acceptance of myself, and an understanding and love for this side of me. In the process the strain of living a lie with her became simply too much to bear.

This resonates with me. I too recently disclosed to my wife my desire to wear feminine clothing. It hurt her badly and it hurt me to be the source of her pain. It was more than falling down on my "manly" duty to protect her, I was causing the hurt. (P.S. Hi neighbor)

Dawn03 revealed it her wife and few others because:

I do not want to burden them with having to keep a secret

MaryBeth29 is "still discovering myself"

I can identify with that, and I imagine many others can too.

Karren Hutton took a different approach:

I think most peoples fears aren't rooted in reality....... and based on my wifes reactions.... their fears are way way understated! WAY!

While I (and others, I'm sure) are extremely delighted to read of Karren's successful disclosure, I know from my own experience that it isn't always that way.

LeighR must have disclosed it to her wife. Her wife is not accepting and she respects her wife's feelings.

Katey888 brought up three good points:

1) The general stigma
2) The potential pain [to others]
3) The impact ... on my career ... charitable work ... local community

#1 You're right about about that, and nothing will change it in the short term.
#2 Your wife already has too much on her plate, it is noble to want to protect her.
#3 You have to earn a living. Some career paths and charities are incompatible with any kind of "deviant" behavior.
(P.S. That's a WONDERFUL photo. I'm envious.)

LovelyGeek got quite a surprise when she disclosed to her wife:

when I finally told my wife - she was sad that I hadn't told her sooner because she wants to support me. Totally not the reaction I thought she was going to have.

HeatherDress told of his wife, with whom it was difficult to communicate:

We select secrecy even though we risk possible discovery. We decide to keep crossdressing a secret, perhaps best answered because we have to.

Alice Torn: "constant harrassment, and ridicule, and misunderstandings, more isolation"

Alice grew up in a very difficult family and what little relations still exist are already strained. I wish you well, Alice

Aretha had a bad disclosure that took four months to turn positive:

Kept it secret from my wife for 30+ yrs! came out last October. ... Things are starting to really be better ,much more accepting of who I really am.

I am hoping to be able to report the same thing in the months ahead. Like you, I am doing all I know, all I can, to be the best husband that I can be.

RADER said it is about the loss of respect:
"if people around me saw me wearing a dress; well my respect would be gone in an instance"

Sometimes_Miss provided a valuable Public Service Announcement regarding the very real possibility of losing not only a spouse, but access to children, and financial loss.

The forum has reports of many of those unfortunate cases. My heart is heavy with each one I read.

Dani0948 calls it a gamble, but a gamble she will take some time this year.

Go big, Dani, or go home.

Thanks everyone for your participation in my little query.

I did not get an answer to number three. Perhaps I worded it poorly. It may be the topic of another new post.

Is the excitement of closet crossdressing made even more exciting by the knowledge that it is a secret? Is it like driving fast on a winding road, with tires squealing on the turns? Danger may be right around the next turn, and the knowledge of that possibility makes it even more exciting?

Best wishes
MsVal