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Thread: In the closet

  1. #1
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    In the closet

    I am 65 years old and have been dressing all of my life. Married for 45 years and now I want to come out and live as a female. Boy that is a hard thing to do. Not sure how to do it and not sure how it will be received by family. Divorce seems likely.

  2. #2
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I would recommend baby steps unless you've been dressing in private for many years, Jamie. If u have been, u may find it helpful to meet other dressers in person and see where u want to go from there?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Jamie,
    That is a big step, did you decide that overnight?
    I hate to sound cruel but it needs a long time and soul searching to decide if that is going to be your chosen path.
    If you are not sure about it maybe some initial advice can be found amongst those who are already transitioning.
    After that I think it is many trips to visit a counselor experienced in this field.
    It is advice you won't find here, although others will have good suggestions on what you should do.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Joanne f's Avatar
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    Hello Jamie kaye,
    I agree with the rest in that it seems like a sudden big step and if you take notice of all the wife's/so on there ( as you should because they will know how your wife may feel) it will be the long term lying that will hit your wife more than the fact that you cross dress so you are going to have a difficult time on that one which if you think about it is understandable , the rest of the family will be more inclined to look at the crossdressing side of it and wonder how it will affect them in the outside world, your wife will think of this as well but the lying will hit her first and there is no easy way of getting past that one as that is a trust issue, a lot of wife's/so can get use to some of the CDing but they find it very hard to get past the long term lying , sorry I can not paint a better picture for you but I take notice of what the wife's/so say on there and they only say it to help .
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne

  5. #5
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    Well hit me with a big stick, this is going to be a big un all right.
    Life is often filled with changes (sometimes little ones, sometimes big, blindsider ones, like this).

    Had you said - come out of the closet, that could be something gradual, like "can I wear tights tonight my lovely wife, as my legs are cold"
    It's a little bit different to say "no more secrete bedtime meetings - Ever, my love".

    I hope things go as reasonably as possible for you over the next 10 years or so.
    Personally I would have chosen a lesser path (oh ya, I did chose a lesser path, part-time girl works great for me).
    You sure you don't want to re-check your options?

    Anyway, as I say, best of luck Jamie.

    There are girls who would also like to follow your path, so please keep us up to date.

    Rachel
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

  6. #6
    Silver Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Jamie,
    If you're going to make what is a momentous change in your life why not take it more slowly. Telling an unsuspecting SO that you're suddenly going to live dressed as a woman is going to come as a bit of a shock to say the least, and yes divorce could be on the cards. Plus as you make reference to family I assume you have kids. It wouldn't be surprising if they sided with their Mom and you found yourself ostracized from they lives. Unless this is what you want, why you would want to I can't think, why not move more slowly and hope for damage limitation?
    Come out to your wife but don't mention your thoughts are to go 24/7. If she's accepting then dress for short periods to get her used to the idea. Gradually build up the time you spend dressed and introduce your new self to the kids. Your wife may (or may not) try to impose restrictions on your dressing and it's at that point should it arise that more discussion and negotiation my be required.
    There is also the chance that having dressed 24/7, after a while you find it's not really what you thought it was going to be and will have lost everything when with a little patience you could have had the best of all worlds.

    Act in haste, repent at leisure.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  7. #7
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    So, have you had any conversations with your wife about this in 45 years? If not, you are going to have some explaining to do. But don't start from a point of fear. Get your thoughts together, play through various scenarios and your responses...not to manipulate her, so you are able to respond completely and honestly.

    But before all that, what has lead you to this realization. It's not unusual, many of us here feel the same way and we know how each of us arrived at this point. How did you come to feel that you want to live out the remainder of your life as a woman?
    Waxing and Waning, waxing and waning, waxing....and so!

  8. #8
    Pretty in Pink Barbie Anne's Avatar
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    Maybe some more details would help us help you with the appropriate advice. Does she already know? Have you been caught ever by her/family/friends? Have you thought this out logically?

    A momentous life changing decision such as this should not be taken lightly or just thrust upon others all willy-nilly.
    Maybe sit down with everybody and explain not just that you want to live as a woman but why you want to.
    Barbie

  9. #9
    Not Participating at All Helen Grandeis's Avatar
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    Get some good counseling first. Figure out financially whether you could afford to live separately.
    Best Wishes for Personal Peace & Happiness
    -
    Helen Grandeis

  10. #10
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    Jamie, indeed much more information about your cd history ,etc. is needed for advise or constructive criticism. Based solely on what you posted, that being full speed ahead & man the torpedoes, you most assuredly are heading into serious marital discord.

    What I SENSE from your post is that your mortality (age 65) + being a closeted cder for decades + the wear & tear of supporting a family vs. suppressing your cd needs has resulted in a major life crisis. You may feel that because of your age + life long cd suppression that you don't have the time + patience to poceed with the slow & cautious introduction of cding to your wife / family . If such is the case, then many of us can understand the range of emotions that you are experiencing. However, whatever your true situation might be, despite your years of frustrations & suppression, you have to think family first . Your wife deserves your love, support & honesty. Please , please talk this over with a trusted friend or research your situation more thoroughly before making any abrupt & life changing move that you will , within time, most probably regret.

    Throughout your journey, I wish you inner peace. At age 65 , you deserve that peace & much more!! Melissa

  11. #11
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    Jamie, I'd say divorce is more than likely. Your wife did not marry a woman and unless she is gay or bi it would be unreasonable to expect her to accept that. Now, that stated, she may be ok with you as a companion but "husband" seems unreasonable.

    You clearly have to talk to her. It won't be easy but what you are planning is just too big to let go until it happens.

  12. #12
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Jamie - others have said it here before me - yours seems to sound like a very sudden realisation...? If not, then perhaps you'd be prepared to expand a little more on what's behind this..?

    There's good advice from everyone here - not least that all we can offer is opinions and that really professional counselling is something you should be seeking before any firm decisions.

    As you say - if you come out with that world-changing piece of news you cannot be sure how your family will receive and yes, divorce is certainly a possibility if not likely...

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  13. #13
    Senior Member MsVal's Avatar
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    We may be reading more into those 5 sentences than is actually there.

    Jamie, before we can advise you, we would like to have more information. Would you please tell us if you have already been through this with your wife, counselor, attorney? Have you already researched your options, here and in other places?

    I wonder if Jamie has already had many talks with his wife about this, gone to numerous sessions with a therapist, done much soul searching, and those are the words of one that is already aware of the things that are being offered. Jamie may be reaching out for support in what has already been decided.

    Best wishes
    MsVal

  14. #14
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    Just my 2 cents here.... You have for so much of your life lived as you have. and married for 45 years. You survived. I am not saying you are not feeling legit feelings for how you want to live, perhaps you feel time is running out? and I suppose it is. But.... with such a drastic change, you will also drastically change the lives of all those that have been with you, mainly your wife of 45 years. Perhaps this is just how I feel, it is the way I think.... so please only take this as it is. You stand more to lose than you do to gain. You have dressed, perhaps your wife knows of it. Maybe instead of throwing an entire life away you could maybe find a middle ground or path that your wife may be able to take with you?? Perhaps you may even be experiencing a severe case of PF? Ok, I am probably over the .02 here, but maybe take some time to think about all of the others that you will impact, how long they have been with you, went through life with you. You made a life and lived it for so long. It would just seem to be a shame to throw it all away for the last remaining years and the struggle you will endure through the change you are about to make. In some ways, yes. I am sure life will be easier, more tolerable, more at peace, but so much to lose too. Just think this one over carefully.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  15. #15
    Just a touch of class Lynn Marie's Avatar
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    "Divorce seems likely" pretty much sums it up. Sounds like you've already done plenty of thinking about this and you're ready for the changes. Personally I love being single. It really changes your perspective on everything.

  16. #16
    Junior Member Heather-Hill's Avatar
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    Hi Jamie, I too have been married 45 years and I am sure that you both feel you have made a significant investment in all that time. There are days when the desire to be female is so very strong and is counterbalanced with more rational thoughts.

    All that said I do concur with the other replies, take it slowly! If your wife is anything like mine a divorce will be one hell of a 'bloodbath' and would limit your pleasure for some time to come.....sorry

    Best wishes for the future and may the Angels be with you all the way.

    Hugs
    Heather

  17. #17
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    I had a new client yesterday who was telling me about her "Transgender" employee whose wife supported her and stayed with her. That is uncommon. Expect if you want to live as a woman, you will be a single woman
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  18. #18
    Always Stephanie Now! Stephanie Sometimes's Avatar
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    Hi Jamie,

    Well that sounds pretty radical gal. But it also sounds like you have thought about it for a long time and really need to make some changes in your life.

    You have not given much background to your story but if you are willing to share more then there are a lot of experienced folks on this forum willing to share their story and to give some good advice. Along with the majority of good advice you may get a lot of un-needed criticism as well but that goes with the territory I suppose and it can be useful to understand other people’s perspective even if they are critical so I encourage you to use the forum as much as you are comfortable with it. If you are planning or contemplating to transition to female then there is a great local LGBT organization in Tucson called Wingspan that has some good resources to offer.

    I may be able to relate to your situation; while I am not inclined to go full time I sure need to let my inner girl out on a regular basis and I am looking at some fairly radical lifestyle changes this year on my part to accomplish it. You and I are about the same age and we live in the same town so if you ever wanted to talk about it over a cup of coffee or a cold beer then send me a PM sometime (you may need to get up to 10 postings on the forum before you can PM another member and you will need to enable private messaging). It would be nice to compare notes if you would like to sometime.

    Best wishes and Hugs,
    Stephanie
    "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." Helen Keller (The Open Door)

    "I give her my heart but she wanted my soul...But don't think twice, it's all right" Bob Dylan (1963)

  19. #19
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    Jamie,

    now I want to come out and live as a female.
    Which of the following do you mean - (if you even know):
    - dress and present as a female some / most of the time, inside the home?
    - dress and present as a female some / most of the time, even outside of home?
    - dress and present as a female *all* the time
    - under go transition with medical support? Legal name change, etc.?
    - "the surgery"

    On average, the further down that list you go, the lower the probability that your spouse will stay with you. That said, nobody can really know how your spouse will react to this. You are probably in the best position to judge this - but honestly, there's no real way to know in advance.

    If I could, I'd recommend you talk with a gender therapist, and figure out what "I want to live as a woman" means to you. Because I can assure you, the minute you say that to your wife, I bet she'll either:
    a) jump to the worst case scenario
    b) ask you a bunch of practical questions you may not have even thought of yet.

    A gender therapist can help you figure this stuff out, what you need to do, and help you figure out how to tell your wife, hopefully giving you the best chance to make something work. PM me if you need help finding one.

    I'll be honest though - if you want to transition to be a woman, your odds of staying married are really low, 10% or less.

  20. #20
    Silver Member Mollyanne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jamie kaye View Post
    I am 65 years old and have been dressing all of my life. Married for 45 years and now I want to come out and live as a female. Boy that is a hard thing to do. Not sure how to do it and not sure how it will be received by family. Divorce seems likely.
    My best advice to you is----- DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH!!!!! The "fallout" may be harder to deal with then with your present feelings. ACTUALLY I CAN IDENTIFY WITH YOU BECAUSE I AM IN THE SAME BOAT, ALMOST!!!!!

    Molly
    "To thine own self be true"

  21. #21
    Junior Member Jessica EnFemme's Avatar
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    After 45 years together, if your wife is also in her mid-60's I'd wonder if she'd rather live with a close same-sex friend than suddenly be alone. She might be uncomfortable living like that, but if you're uncomfortable not living like that, who should take priority in your life? You or your wife?

  22. #22
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    Jessica, that is a tough question, and sort of an unfair one. Who takes priority.... my answer is, both, equally. That is how I look at it. In a healthy relationship there is always compromise. of just about everything. The cars we buy, the work and time spent, location we live, time with family and friends, vacations we take. If I was single, and in my adult life I spent a lot of it single, I played gold nearly every day I could. I love to play golf. It is a passion of mine. Looking back, I know if I had done things differently, I could have maybe tried to make a career out of it. (not saying I am good enough or would be to a PGA touring pro, but there is a lot of club professionals and teachers etc etc... But anyway, I am married now, and I do still play golf, just not as often. It is a compromise because what is more important to me is my wife, who is my life partner. I would rather spend time with her and make her happy. Doesn't mean and hasn't that I give it up. Just that priorities make for compromise and I still get to do what I love and yet I get to keep the one I love too.

    When I see threads where someone is deciding what path to take.... I hope at least they consider what they lose along with what they gain. For some, the choice of living as a woman or transitioning to one is worth it. For whatever reason, that change in their life is worth losing all that they have worked for and created. To me though, it just seems logical to perhaps make a compromise or at least give every attempt to do so and not give up several decades of a life created and a partner who has been through it all together.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  23. #23
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    First off, I'm in the same age bracket and have been married for 43 years. I get it. yes, it's attractive. Yes, there's not many healthy years left. Yes, you'll probably regret more of what you haven't done in your life than what you have.
    Do you really want this radical of a life change at this late date?

    We're much closer to the end of that roll of toilet paper. Want to finish out what's left of it alone and miserable?
    I can see no other outcome for you.

  24. #24
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    Lots of good advice here. The only thing that I will add is this. If you decide to go forward, you can't unring a bell. How things actually sit for you will be known and that makes it extremely hard (if not impossible) to return to things as they were, if that's what you feel you need to do.

  25. #25
    Silver Member Jordan's Avatar
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    Wow that is a huge decision you have to make good luck on what you decide to do

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