Being Authentic

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

Last week I was in a counselling session and my therapist asked the same question she always asks "So, how are things going". Now some may see this a small talk to develop rapport prior to getting down to things but in essence it is what I like to refer to as "emotional mining". She asks the question, studies my reaction then follows-up. One time I had to think and she responded "Why so long in responding" . . . ah therapy. But I digress.

On this particular day I came right back with "Great!" . . . the ball in now in your court therapy lady. Of course not getting off the hook, she replied "Great . . . how?" . . . serve returned. I replied, "Great because I can be who I want to be. I can go out dressed, not dressed, work knows, people know, my family knows, I don't have to hide who I am" . . . ball spiked over the net

She then smiled and said, "So you feel authentic" . . . sun in my eyes, ball missed . . . point and match to therapy lady. Authentic . . . what the &%$#. I wasn't aware I was some ersatz version of a person and now have suddenly become authentic. So after the session I decided to give this some thought . . . authenticity in human sense comes from existentialist philosophy and means being true to yourself, happy in your choices, and your spirit, regardless of societal pressures. . . . well that helped . . . like I wasn't happy before . . . wait I guess I wasn't. Giving it some reflection, I discovered that now I have made certain choices I am happier, more carefree . . . in essence authentic to the person I need to be given my current circumstances. Subsequently, if this gal was to shuffle off her mortal coil tomorrow she would do so a happy girl

Ah . . . Your point Isha . . . sorry getting there:

I have seen a rash of posts recently about whether to come out to others, TG hierarchy, should you go out dressed, standing up for the cause, etcetera, etcetera. I truly believe, we all tell our stories not to rub it anyone's face but for the most part to share a "feel good moment" on some personal growth level. Does that mean we all have to follow the "Piper out of Hamelin?" No. We can learn from these stories, reflect on them and decided if they would hold true for us or if we even need to go down that road.

The one thing that rings true is . . . "be true to yourself". Or as therapy lady so aptly put . . . be authentic. If you don't need to tell the world about your proclivity and you feel good then stay the course. You don't need to pick-up the sword of injustice, don your "I'm a TG superwoman cape" and fight the good fight to feel good about yourself. If your thing is staying in, dressing up and watching TV and that makes you feel good about yourself then guess what . . . you are being authentic. If you have a desire to dress "en femme" present yourself to world and say I am TG so accept it or not and you feel good about yourself . . . again you are being authentic.

Ah . . . still looking for your point Isha

My point being that we all make decision based on what works for us. Some will tell their family others won't. Some will dress up and go clubbing others won't. Some will say indoors and others will go out. We may share something in common but we are all different. If you are happy expressing yourself in the way you deem appropriate to your life's circumstance then who cares what others think. If you need to change your authenticity in order to be happy, only you will know when that change is needed and will act on it when required. Don't drink the "purple Kool-Aid because someone tells you it is good for you. Do what you need to do to be happy with who you are . . . AUTHENTIC.

Hugs

Isha

[natalie_cheryl]

This post is probably the best one I have seen on here . Isha you not only hit the nil on the head you Mr. meagied that sucker in with one hit

[cdmorganashley]

this is something i am very interested in working on right now Isha and i think i am making great progress... for me i am trying to find the balance between accepting the chromosomes and body i have been born with and expressing myself as i want to in mind and spirit (which are sometimes in direct opposition!!) anyway i think it feels great to show more on the outside how i feel inside but i think its also important to realize that others impressions and views of us do have some impact back on us even though i dont think it should freeze us from doing as we want... anyway i always answer accurately when my therapist asks how i am doing as i find it gets us into the good stuff faster and time is of the essence with a great therapist like mine who i love to talk to... anyway when i feel unauthentic it makes me depressed and ive been depressed far too long so im going to keep working on it =) --thanks for sharing

[Caden Lane]

Another awesome post Isha. Really great to read this. It resonated with me on a personal level.

[Tina B.]

Sounds like a very Authentic post! But for some of older gals, not such surprising news. Things like, "do your own Thing" "If it feels good do it" "Be true to yourself". are all just another way to say "be Authentic".

[Chari]

Good point Isha! IMO life is all about choices made by the individual at that moment because it is right, but what is right for one individual may not be so with another. Best to be honest with your self and not create "problems" for others, and always be comfortable and confident in who you are, regardless of how you present. Some therapists like to only ask questions, and let the patient find their answers. Try not to analyze everything you hear, but rather reply with "Why did you ask me that?". Therapy should be finding answers, not bringing more questions into your life. Enjoy.

[PaulaQ]

Hey Isha, the concept of an Authentic Life is having the freedom to be whoever you really are, rather than posing as something you are not. As a TS, my life as a woman is authentic - I'm no longer pretending to be a man.

As for whether or not CDs should come out and be counted as you have, while it's not for me to say what a person should or shouldn't do, my god I wish y'all would. There is so much commonality between TS & CD, but there just aren't enough of us TSs to make any political difference. We're maybe 0.3% of the population. They could eliminate us and you'd hardly notice. We could all vote in lockstep, and it would make no difference.

So as it is, we have an uneasy alliance with GLB folks, who advocate for us when they remember to do so. I'm not trying to be critical of gay folks - I am genuinely grateful for their efforts on my behalf. I'm friends with them, I contribute to and support their causes, and do volunteer work for them. It's just that if collectively they decide to drop the T from GLBT, then TS folks like me are well and truly screwed.

We could really use your help, so I beseech you, as humbly as I can. Come out. Be counted. Help change the world. You have the numbers.

[Teresa]

Hi Isha,
Have you tried therapy on your therapist ? The first thing you say on your next visit is " are you feeling authentic today ? 15 love to Isha ! You could even call it an ace !

[Sarasometimes]

Great post! Good advice presented in a nice way. I see hidden in your post (maybe intended, maybe not) an acknowledgement of your therapist's skill. I would like to add a suggestion to those who think therapy can't help or isn't needed. It just might be that you don't know what you don't know.
I often times leave my therapy appointment with new insight into an area I had never considered.
Your therapist worded her message in a clever one word answer that my therapist agrees with, just mine has said it differently. The flip side of authentic is unauthentic, presenting something as what it is not or not the whole picture. And I know that in my situation I feel unable to be authentic at the moment but we are working on that (I'm not looking for anyone here to help me with this). Consequently I have great days and average ones.

[kimdl93]

Makes sense to me. I suppose most people ask the should I go out and should I come out questions with some sense of their answer in mind. For me it grew apparent that I wanted to live and to be acknowledged as TG by those who matter to me.

[mykell]

You made me think this morning Isha, way to early, I read these threads and I get upset by some of the material people post, and I thought are we authentic, no, not in the true definition, do I ”feel authentic” yes I do.

Synonyms for authentic

Accurate, convincing, credible, legitimate, original, reliable, trustworthy, real, genuine,

Attributes we strive for whether we wish to become a real woman, live as a real woman or just dress as a real woman and portray in the most authentic way we possibly can.

We all have our reasons for joining the group, we all have expectations of what authenticity we can present, some limited by financial, matrimonial, philosophical, emotional, physical, moral, or ethical circumstance of reality.

Reality brought us together because society debates our legitimacy.
They want to fix us, they want to dismiss us. They want to ignore us.
But they judge us none the less. It’s getting better………. slowly.

I joined because the sight was convincing and seemed trustworthy,
I could let down my hair, learn about all the questions I had all my life,
Accurate definitions and stories of who I was from credible authors,
Members posting stories of genuine lifetime experiences and seeing attributes shared by different portions of the whole TG community.

Everyone’s reality here is different, what works for one wont work for the other, shaving body hair, painting nails, strapless dresses, 6” heels, dressing home or away, sharing with SO, not all want to see ect.
So please don’t dismiss someone else’s reality because it’s not accurate in your eye.
After all are we authentic, NO, not in an appraiser’s eye…
But it is authentic to us, and our authenticity changes as our path within our community is traveled, and thus our reality is changed …..

Am I authentic, no, but I strive to be as much as I can, and I don’t dismiss someone else s authenticity…..or their reality. I do however “feel authentic”

[Beverley Sims]

Isha,
The days of sword fighting are not over.
What you are engaging in is , "thrust and parry."

Or maybe "verbal jousting".

There are lot of terms that you can use, if it is helpful to you, just keep seeing your therapist.

[Barbra P]

Talk about hitting home. I’ll be sitting in the waiting area when Kelly (my Therapist) opens the door and tells me I can come in now. I should add that if I’m en femme she’ll say something like “Barbra, you can come on back now” and that sometimes gets some interesting looks from others in the waiting area.

Walking down the hall to her office it is almost always “So, how have you been doing? or “How are you today?” My response sets the stage for the next fifty-five minutes. Once seated in her office I know that sometime during the session she is going to ask how often I have been dressing or when was the last time I dressed if I’m drab – I go drab more often than en femme. If I’m en femme she invariably asks if I’m planning on going anywhere after the session and my response is “No.” Family harmony requires that I return home after the session – going to see Kelly en femme is pushing the envelope about as far as it will stretch.

I’ve come to expect that some of the same questions may get asked, such as “What do you think (insert wife’s name) reaction would be if you started dressing more than once a week?” That invariably leads to a discussion of how I feel that I am not only responsible for my own mental health i.e. my state of depression but to a certain extent my wife’s depression caused by my dressing. Once a week seems to be a balancing point, she accepts that I need to dress, but beyond once a week is pushing her limit of acceptance. I detect that Kelly doesn’t necessarily agree with me, but after more than forty-years of marriage I do feel responsible for my wife’s well-being and mental state.

[Persephone]

Inspiring!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Katey888]

Isha,

It's an interesting point that your therapist is trying to make for you - do you sometimes feel that therapists have a bit of an agenda depending on what's on their minds or what they have been reading before they see you? They are still only like us, after all...

The concept that all of us should strive to meet this ideal of being authentic to ourselves because that is the only way of reaching complete happiness and fulfilment is a central one to existentialism. We can define our own existence...

Unfortunately I often think - cynically, perhaps - that great philosophy is mostly lost on mere mortals like us, as there are so many everyday pressures that are generally brought to bear that make it difficult for most of us to be true to our ideals, but your restating of the principle here, that each of us has to determine what we need to do, for our own desires, responsibilities, circumstances and feelings is a sound one - a principle of individual right to freedom to choose our path.

For most of us here who subscribe to that right for individuals to choose, you are preaching to the converted.

For those of us here who don't, and believe that there are only preset choices and options, I fear you are preaching to fundamentalist Preachers themselves...

But I wish you luck anyway, and fully support freedom in all it's flavours and colours...

Katey x

[Eryn]

...Last week I was in a counselling session and my therapist asked the same question she always asks "So, how are things going"....

Funny, this is exactly how my weekly sessions with my electrologist begin. The only difference is, along with the therapy, I get a nice smooth face!

...Do what you need to do to be happy with who you are . . . AUTHENTIC....

You make a very good point. Authenticity, self-fullfillment, self-actualization, are all terms that imply that one is happy with oneself. For me, it was when I had enough experience with being out and about that I stopped worrying about my presentation and instead could enjoy what I was doing at the time. I was no longer the spy or impostor but simply Eryn, doing what she wanted in the way she wanted to do it. In some ways this took the "specialness" out of the experience, but in others it was quite liberating.

[Marcelle]

Hi all,

Thanks for the great replies . . . sorry for the ramble . . . what else is a girl suppose to do before her morning run?

Hugs

Isha

[PretzelGirl]

Funny, this is exactly how my weekly sessions with my electrologist begin. The only difference is, along with the therapy, I get a nice smooth face!

I relate to this one a lot. I even comment to her that I feel like I am getting extra therapy just chit-chatting with her.

[MsDanii]

The therapist and you have hit the nail on the head.
At the end of the day the only person we really need to answer to ourselves is us.
We look at ourselves all the time, and we have to live with our souls and concious.
If we aren't authentic, then what are we... just a sham, a disappointment, not living our life the way it should.

Awesome posting Isha, it has certainly woken me up

[luca]

This was really encouraging Isha, thanks so much

[Eryn]

I relate to this one a lot. I even comment to her that I feel like I am getting extra therapy just chit-chatting with her.

I was being partially humorous, but there is a lot of truth to it as well. My electrologist has several TG clients and she is rather tuned into our various issues. It's one of the few places where I am accepted as the person I am.

[Kristina_nolagirl]

I couldn't agree with you more! Very well spoken as always.

[Kate Simmons]

We are all unique individuals Isha and eventually we find out, like you did, that we will be happy as long as we are ourselves.

[MsVal]

Comment - well meta comment actually.

Isha, you never disappoint me with your insightful and well written posts. I truly enjoy and look forward to your rants and missives. No apology is ever needed.

Best wishes
MsVal

[sanderlay]

Isha said: "... Do what you need to do to be happy with who you are . . . AUTHENTIC. ..."

Well said!!! Every part of your post was spot on!

I've surfed the web a lot looking for why I am who I am. Because the fact of the mater is I'm different. I don't try to pass as a woman but I also don't try to pass as a man either, as I go out in public. So many people have their own opinions of what a man or a woman should be, that I should fit neatly into a box, male or female, that society would be more comfortable with in presentation of gender.

But in reality conformity is not the point. I'm not answerable to other peoples views on who I should be, how I should present myself. I'm only answerable to myself and my creator because I must love myself first before I can love others. How I feel should never be dictated by another person. My emotions are my own. How I dress is a reflection of how I feel. And I feel strongly I should be honest, authentic, to who I am.