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Thread: Coming out to friends

  1. #1
    Junior Member Debi's Avatar
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    Coming out to friends

    To come out to friends and/or family is a deeply personal issue and NOBODY but you can guide you as to what is the right thing for you. I am writing this to share my experience so that it might give confidence to someone who feels like I do... someone who is sick of having a'dirty little secret' and wants to share their reality with those closest to them.

    I told my wife before we got married and I am lucky in that although she doesn't actively get involved in my female life, she is completely ok with me getting on with it. I HAVE confided in a couple of people over the years which on both occasions was sparked by having a drunken heart to heart and it just sort of blurted out (with positive reactions)
    Well as the years have gone by, I have wanted to tell a few key people in my life for various reasons, but for example, I play in a band who tour and record at quite a high level and I have often felt a pervasive dread that someone will clock a residue of eye liner or nail varnish or something and I'd have to come up with a lame excuse on the spot. I also find it annoying that I have to think weeks in advance to STOP any body shaving for fear of awkward questions being asked in the sauna/jacuzzi. Well this week, I sent a carefully worded email to everybody and 'outed myself' and the response has been nothing short of amazing! The replies that I have received have reduced me to tears because of their incredible love and support. Spurred on by this feeling of acceptance, I also outed myself to one of my best friends and again, nothing but love and support.
    I now have no need to tell anyone else or the wider World at large, but I felt like I have bent back the bars on my self-imposed prison cell and I feel a certain 'lightness' I *put a posting on my Facebook page that merely said "I have amazing friends" and one friend (who doesn't know) commented "your friends are merely a reflection of who you are as a person" and I thought how true! It should be no surprise that my friends are so loving and supportive, but it did surprise me. When my wife asked how it all went down and I told her, she jus at said "yeah - I knew it wouldn't be a problem" *

    Do we T-girls sometimes think it's a bigger issue than it is? I know already that people have negative stories about coming out, but I chose people who I really wanted to know about this and I don't really care about the opinion of anybody else. *

    Maybe it's just that I am a middle class Tgirl living in London with intelligent, thoughtful and sensitive friends .... Maybe that's all it is, but we DO choose who our friends are don't we! *

  2. #2
    Silver Member Debra Russell's Avatar
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    Shaving and nail varnish have not been a problem here - no one seems to care or notice but makeup on the other hand is spotted and will be questioned (wife always notices) and other than selected members of my family, really who needs to know? and why? I always think what would that knowledge mean to them and if it is not an integral part of your relationship - keep it to yourself, al least in retrospect that has worked for me............................Debra

  3. #3
    Junior Member Debi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Debra Russell View Post
    who needs to know? and why?
    Well apart from being 'discovered' as I mentioned, for me, I wanted to be able to be ME around my friends. They may never even meet Debi, but I feel GREAT that there is no pretence... I am free to be me.
    The other thing which is an added bonus is.... the next time that someone openly takes this piss out of a 'freak' T-girl in their presence, I KNOW that they'll say "well I know someone who is a TV and you know what... they're pretty f****** cool"

  4. #4
    Pretty in Pink Barbie Anne's Avatar
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    Wow, so happy for you. It must be truly freeing
    Barbie

  5. #5
    New Member Susan L's Avatar
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    Wow, that's amazing. I have thought many times of coming out to certain family members or very close friends but have not found the guts. Your story fills me with hope that if I ever do I get the same reaction!

  6. #6
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Debi - that is a very fine experience to share - and nice of you to want to do so for those very noble reasons. Thank you for doing so!

    And so glad that it went well for you - I think there is something in what you say about your circle of friends... You are fortunate in that but we all do have something of a choice as well... not everyone may have a choice with respect to their occupation, of course. Presumably you believe that there will be no impact or any adverse impact on your career? Be interested to hear...

    Thanks for sharing again - it gives me a bit of hope..

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  7. #7
    Platinum Member
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    I wish there was some sort of litmus test one could use, beforehand, to assess the how friends and family are likely to respond. Alas, all we have is our own judgement based on out knowledge of the people we would like to tell. My experience this far has been like yours, positive and supportive.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member Christen's Avatar
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    Debi, that is so wonderful to hear. I feel so pleased for you, and your friends.

    Christen x
    “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
    and rightdoing there is a field.
    I'll meet you there.” - Rumi.

  9. #9
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    The problem lies in our own individual point of view.
    We sometimes place too much emphasis on what others will think.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  10. #10
    Junior Member Kristina_nolagirl's Avatar
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    Wow Debi - what a great story. I loved everything you wrote. Good for you that you followed your heart and made it happen for yourself!

    I agree that the level we desire to let others know varies greatly between all CDs and some don't understand why you would ever want to tell anyone, but I do. I too hate having this little black cloud of a secret from my closest and most loved friends hanging over my head. I strive to be an open, honest, and authentic person; and so it does not feel right that I can't fully be myself around these people. It's not that I necessarily want them jump up and offer to come for a night out with Kristina (it would be nice ) but more that I feel guilty for coming up with excuses and little lies as to why I do certain things.

    Your point about your friends being a reflection of yourself is a great point. If you go through life denying who you are and trying to fight it, you're much more likely to befriend people who bash and look down upon trans people and its probably not a good idea to come out to them. On the other hand, if you embrace and love yourself and differences in others, you're much more likely to end up with accepting friends who will think you're crazy, but still love you.

    I thank you for your inspiring story!
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