Head Over Heels by Virginia Ehrhardt, PhD

[PaulaQ]

Helen Boyd's books both made me cry. My Husband Betty is a great book. So tragic she made the odds 1:1,000,000 when they are obviously so much higher than that.

I'm sad though, for all of the genetic women in TG relationships, but especially the ones who end up with a transitioning spouse.

[MatildaJ.]

I'm sorry, Helen, for what you and your wife are going through. But I wanted to give a wife's perspective on some of the books available.

Like Paula, Boyd's She's Not the Man I Married had me crying all the way through. But I appreciated Boyd's honesty. I've never wanted any of this to be sugarcoated for me. Just like a cancer diagnosis, I'd rather know the odds than have my doctors (or my spouse) lying to me about where this was going.

I loved Julie Serano's Whipping Girl because she says that not every TS always knew they were TS. Some get taken by surprise. That helped me feel that my husband and I were going through these changes together, rather than him having deliberately, coldly lied to me for decades.

Also, Serano presents a feminist perspective, which was a relief, as most men on the gender spectrum (at least the ones I'd seen) seem to have a frankly regressive view of women & gender roles (women are unserious, all about appearances, and need a man's protection and chivalry). I was happy to find out that a man could transition into the kind of feminist woman I usually choose for my friends. I was certainly not going to spend the rest of my life with the kind of woman I hated in high school, but now there was hope, however the wind blew.

[Tina_gm]

You know Jess, as I have come to terms with myself, some of what I thought about women I am now finding are not as accurate as I thought. The more I listen and see things, the more it appears to me the differences between men and women are not so drastic. Sort of like two sides of the same coin rather than two different coins. Oddly enough though, I have read on here some rather unflattering renditions of what some on here think women are or should be about.

If there are TS girls who have been able to deny to themselves who they really are well into adulthood, it certainly stands to reason that CDers, who are somewhere in the middle can and have done the same. To some extent, I did. I never created a false male persona as many TS girls have, but I denied the existence of my feminine side. It certainly can and does happen.

[JenniferR771]

Love her respect her--and don't expect much change.
I, too, like Peggy Rudd's book "My husband wears my clothes". My Counselor borrowed it from me. Her husband Melanie was a member here for years. Peggy also has about 4 additional books.
About your wife's counselor--that happens--if she cannot get the counselor to agree with her. Happened to me. If he is really smart--he will help her--but he has to regain her confidence.
Myself, I don't think cding is against moral teachings.

[ReineD]

It's almost impossible to successfully argue against religious dogma, Helen. I'm sorry.

But, at least your wife is reading a book that also attempts to explain trans issues. Maybe some of it will filter through, and she will perhaps come to understand that you do need to express your femininity, even if she chooses to not be involved. She may still believe that your soul is eternally lost, but you never know ... she may find a way to reconcile this. The mind is capable of all kinds of rationalizations.

I think that we're barking up the wrong tree by debating which books your wife should read. At this point I don't think she cares to understand the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual. The importance here is for your wife to understand there are people on this planet who are not heteronormative.

I continue to wish you all the best.

[Helen Grandeis]

I agree Reine. I did start reading the book and I think it will help. Thankyou

[Lorileah]

*moderators note* No discussions of specific religions are allowed on these boards. If it keeps going there I will close the thread.

[Helen Grandeis]

I am on page 81. finding it to be a good read.

My wife finished the book. I watched her flip through the internet resources at the end of the book. I wonder how far down the line this thread was on the non-member view. The title is right on the thread.

Her parting comment, "all these women made changes to accommodate their men"

Her attitude is take no prisoners. Her idea of my making accommodation is absolute and total self denial. Throughout the end of the book where the TS couples are discussed she repeatedly said that the women were nuts. We agreed that one particular CD husband was a jerk. She then said that I was nice person and nothing like the jerk. So even in the darkest night, a star twinkles through th clouds.

She seems very reluctant to set up an email address to join any groups. This is a double edged sword.

[Michaella]

It may. It has quite a range of stories, of wives who are appalled by cross-dressing, to those who have embraced it. I think what it will tell her is that she is not the only one with concerns and fears and questions, and that there are many ways things can go.

My Husband Betty is a wonderful book. But it may be very off-putting to a wife who is at best on the fence, as the author is clearly enthusiastic about having a cross-dressing husband.

Michaella

[Helen Grandeis]

My wife had a lay spiritual counseling session that greatly relieved her stress level. When she was done the counselor wanted to talk with me. We talked for twenty or so minutes. He is a warm and loving man of great depth - for a lay person whose day job is an engineering director. He is inclined to think that CD activities are not appropriate for me. I explained that CD was how my brain was wired. He said that no matter how our brains are wired, we all exercise control over our behavior. He reminded me that I did not tell My wife about CD prior to our marriage.

The final thing he said was that we all give up things when we get married.
He gave up NFL football on Sunday.

Moderator --- I am ready for you to close this thread, thank-you.