The Why: Responsibility and Expression

[julia marie]

OK, this is another "why do it" post, but I had a bit of an awakening the other night. Actually, I was awake at 3 am trying to figure out how to tell a GG friend about crossdressing when I see her next month.
Like the other "why" threads, this won't apply to everyone, but I think I figured out part of why I dress and why I started when I did (late in life). In my generation guys were discouraged from showing emotion and encouraged to accept responsibility. That certainly peaked in adulthood when being responsible for kids, keeping a good job, doing "man" chores, and paying the bills dominated my thoughts. Not that women don't have the same concerns (and more) but I also recall that women had a release. They were free to show their emotions, and they do it in so many ways, like confiding in friends, getting a hug from a friend, and expressing themselves in ways that men don't normally.
For example, women are more likely to talk with their hands, smile more freely, and cry more freely. And, they express themselves in their choice of clothing, which might be why they take so long deciding what to wear. They can wear bright colors, flowery patterns, scarfs and hats, etc. They can change their hair color and style almost on a whim. Then, they feel free to compliment women who are complete strangers on styles of clothes, jewelry, hair, etc.
What is the average guy going to say? "Nice khakis" "Love the blue button-down" "Did you shine your scalp?"
Women even dance crazy when they are sober.
So, while i dabbled in dressing for decades (things like buying a negligee while on a business trip), I didn't really get into it until my kids were grown and out on their own. I admired the way women dressed but also the way they acted, and their comfort with others. While I love the way a skirt feels, I think at least part of the reason I dress now is that I'm want that feeling of expression, the options, the comfort of smiling at total strangers. Maybe I'm rebelling against all those years of "responsibility".
Anyone else feel this way?

[Melissa in SE Tn]

You most definitely hit some responsive chords. Thanks for thinking & sharing. Peace, mel

[KristyE]

I think you have found the words and feelings to explain many feelings and thoughts I've had for a long while. Thank you.
Love KristyE

[Katey888]

... "Did you shine your scalp?"
Women even dance crazy when they are sober....

Julia - I'm feeling a bit down right now and at least those two lines gave me a couple of chuckles...

But I suspect my negative feeling is going to spill over a bit into this - although I think you're right on a number of counts..

Do we seek freedom of expression? Having fun? Dancing crazy... ? - Yes, I think we do. Problem for me is, you can only do so much of that in your closet and in your head... ultimately that freedom to express has to take place in a forum where the expression can be witnessed, otherwise, what's the point? And this expression can also be 'safely' done behind a mask: a different persona...

Are we rebelling? Again - big time! What bigger individual rebellion can you exercise than against social taboo? What can you do that might be more shocking to more conservative folk without actually breaking laws? Wearing a dress in public is probably up there with streaking...and possibly it's seen as more humiliating in some parts...

So, a part of me is agreeing with you - and accepting that need, and another part is shouting: "Fer cryin' out loud - get a grip!! Just be a guy and do guy things.." - it's not like we don't have examples here of real guy's guys... Find that responsibility again - don't make excuses about all this gender variance b*ll*cks... take a look in the mirror and see_the_guy_in_a_dress!

But it's not that easy to just discard that feeling of peace and elegance, femininity and joy that comes with the transformation...

It really feels like a curse sometimes...

Katey x

[MsVal]

Yes! I have this cognitive dissonance between the way I wish to express myself and the "Real Man" stereotype that I've grown up with. Sometimes I just want to be able to cry, or let someone else fix things, or give/receive a hug during a particularly trying event. I've long admired the color, texture, and variety of feminine clothing and the variety of expression that comes with it.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Sallee]

You make some very valid points concerning men vs women in dressing options, emotion and general expressions that are certainly correct. But there is certainly more to the equation than that. Some men are more open and free in their expressions I think it is just their personality. Although I do think the mores of our society reflex what you have said with the genders. But they are changing somewhat. I think it is more a question of our own individual personality. One of the things that holds males back in letting out emotions is being though of as "gay" by others. That is our own hang up that we as men have to get over.
I do think you could complement a guy on his khakis however weird it might sound.

[Eryn]

The responsibility thing resonates with me. My upbringing is that to be a man is to be in charge and able to take care of whatever comes along. He drives the car, handles the money, deals with problems, and is pretty much responsible for running things and dealing with anything bad that might happen.

Being en femme allows me to leave at least some of these responsibilities to others.

[Barbie Anne]

Army brat all my life. Strict but loving parents. Taught responsibility at a very young age. Man is the bread winner. Man kills the spiders in the cupboard. Yeah I was taught to control, by parents that were born during world war 2 and that's what they were taught by parents born during the great depression. I don't like control. I wouldn't say Barbie is submissive so much as she's not the spider killing, bread winning, control freak that Rich is. I'm still responsible but Barbie has taught me that I don't have to be the boss, I can share that responsibility, and yes let my wife take the reins when I'm having a bad day. And you know what? She does a damn good job

[Marcelle]

Hi Julia,

I am not sure on this one. My father was not in my life from a young age so I grew up in an all female house (sisters and mom) with all my cousins being female. I had two uncles who saw to my "guy stuff" but while manly men they were kind souls who treated their wives with great respect. So I never grew up believing men had all the responsibility. I had male friends growing up and did typical boy things and while my sisters were typical girls not a lot of girly emotion there. When I grew up I gravitated to manly man things and put a lot of my "fun me" away. With Isha I guess I have the latitude to be more fun, engaging, complimenting and so forth. However, the more time I spend as Isha, I find she spills into my "boy life" in certain ways. I laugh more, get angry less and believe it or not begun complimenting people boy or girl. So in my case, I am learning to integrate the good in both into both.

Hugs

Isha

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I don't know if this is relevant, but as the mom of a boy I've read many parenting books about boys and quite a few mention a period in many boys lives where they envy girls for all the things mentioned here - ease of expression, relationships, confidence, looking attractive. Teen boys are apparently often very downhearted when comparing their small, skinny pimply selves to the taller, more mature, more confident girls of the same age. Most boys out grow this stage - but is it possible some carry it with them into adulthood?

Just a thought. These were parenting books so maybe not relevant, but I remember reading of this and being surprised. As a girl, I just always assumed boys felt confident all the time as that's what I saw growing up. I never realized how tough boys have it, too.

[Beverley Sims]

If I wake up in the middle of the night thinking great thoughts, I find I can't get back to sleep.

So I decided not to.

[noeleena]

Hi,

responciabilty or being responcable for others, iv done that most of my life its not stoped yet, nore will till i cant do it then itll be over to others to take my role ,

for me this has nothing whats so ever to do with male or female this had and has to do with myself as a person,

i got so sick of men in what they'v done to us and treated us in what the hell would you know any way, your only a woman

......ONLY ..... a woman.......and then second class, are all men like this if your not then show us different, and not just in words, i have to work with quite a few men so i know whats going on.



I was brought up with taking responcibilty or given it maybe by default, and having to, i cant answer for men, though i know some did take it on and did very well,

My Mom had to to surport her and myself plus her Mother and Father, yes in one house hold, from 19 52 on till 1963 when i took over of sorts, then it was a bit later myself, iv not given that up as yet.

so some of us women dont have a other way of means ( money income ), so we just have to do it when there is no male to take charge, so i know what its like from a womans perspective, and i learnt a few things from my Mom,

I can tell you now i express my self fully as a normal woman it took years to come to this stage in my life because of issues i had and not being able to, being shut own in mind does not help .

i dont have male friends that i would open up to , i do have my women friends and i have done and yes in public , you are right we are very different in so many ways, this is why many men dont understand us,

we have got thrown at us when we are down or a detail has taken place, and we get told oh take a pill or oh get a life , or some other, my plea has been get to know us get to understand us yes some of us are strong i am, yet we have our days and get down. hey its just so nice to hear i love you , give us a hug, just be ..... there ...... for us ,

dont tell us take a bloody pill or .... you ,,,,, know......many men dont wont to understand us why, because its to hard, yet many take from us and expect more, i dont wont to be treated like my Mother was, i know what she went through, was not nice, im holding my tongue because id say to much and it hurts, some and its many did not have a release because of abuse the one's i know of in some case's was death. and ours was a breath away from,.

...noeleena...

[iGenny]

This certainly resonates with my feelings. I started late in life as well. I had boy-interests growing up (not sports - I was terrible at anything that required hand-eye coordination), and I had girl interests as well, and I was never discouraged from either. I never had a thought about dressing up. I think I started dressing to let the girl side out again after suppressing it to kill the spiders and take out the garbage. It also didn't hit me until the kids had moved out. Rebelling? Probably!

[julia marie]

Thanks for all of the responses. Glad to hear that I'm not alone in this, whether it's because one -- emphasize one -- reason behind my dressing is rebelling against the years of taking on responsibility. The more I think about it, though, an even bigger reason is that bit of jealousy in watching how comfortable women are in expressing themselves (and I guess i want to be part of it). I've been watching women -- always a good pastime -- whether it's in person or on TV (watch the difference between men and women on game shows). I'm noticing more and more how women express themselves with smiles, laughs, body language and hand motion.
A few things that I've been doing (en femme and in drab) to get more in the spirit: More eye contact with people like sales clerks when doing small talk; when driving, and yielding to another driver or pedestrian, don't just flash the headlights or point, but give a big, animated wave; don't just do the "guy nod" in acknowledging a stranger in public, but smile and say hello. Little things that women do, and everyone should do.

[Valarie]

I can see what you mean, there are definate standards set in society that dictate the behavior of men and women, these are social norms. Rules that are not written but are perpetuated by members of a society and are learned based on an individuals culture and behavior. When a man chooses to go against those norms it is a taboo, and can be looked down on because society sees men as the higher sex. It is true men do not have outlets like women do, so by exploring a feminine identity men take on those outlets that women have. My generation, (90s kid here) grew up hearing from Seaseme Street that "its ok for boys to cry." Our hero's could be male or female, (power rangers, the X-men) there is a definite shift in the meaning behind masculinity. When we challenge societies unwritten rules we create new ones, and people realize that the pressures that have been put on men and women before are not right and that people should just live as comfortable as they want.

[Kristy 56]

Julia,all very good food,and a lot of what you say I could easily apply to myself. Thank you for sharing your insights.

[Confucius]

Julia, you are describing a common link with many cross-dressers where they over-value female traits, and under-appreciate the masculine. Most women will tell you that men have it better in life. Men have more freedoms, greater privileges, and less responsibilities. Most cross-dressers will not agree with that, we have always thought girls had it better in life. We never seem to recognize the way they struggle through life - from our perspective they have all the advantages.

Personally I grew up thinking that all parents prefer girls. I saw girls as being smarter, prettier, more compassionate, and having all the virtues that boys lacked. I believed that my mother would have loved me more if I was a girl. I believed that girls got all the attention, all the love, and boys were left on their own because they were tough. Well I was a sensitive boy, and I really believed that girls had it better in life. Since I've raised some daughters of my own, I have come to see how difficult it is to be a girl.

[julia marie]

Julia, you are describing a common link with many cross-dressers where they over-value female traits, and under-appreciate the masculine. Most women will tell you that men have it better in life. Men have more freedoms, greater privileges, and less responsibilities. Most cross-dressers will not agree with that, we have always thought girls had it better in life.

Confucius. Just to be clear I'm not even coming close to saying that women have it better in life. They face the same challenges that men do, plus discrimination and physical factors that men don't want to even think about.
In fact, my point was that women deal with life's challenges better than men do. I'm jealous of how they deal with those things and the way they approach life. Think of the things they are comfortable with that men are discouraged from doing (or choose not to do) like when to smile, when to cry, when to confide, and who to hug, etc.

[Teresa]

Julia I can see where your coming from with this. A good example of an all guy and no fun ! as oppose to all girls and have fun ! Was when I did portrait sittings, I had to work my socks off to get a response from an all boy family but the fun and humour that flowed from an all girl family, the fathers were 50% happier. I was lucky I had to role play in my work but in some jobs maleness can become a drudge, female lifestyle does look inviting.