Telling our SO

[ifitfeelsgood]

counseling. I came out before I was married 10 years ago and it only now has become an issue. Our counselor convinced her to do support groups for significant others. Both helped

[Shelly Preston]

Chrissy I don't think anyone is objecting to you having your own time, But and its a big but you have to give your wife time to adjust.

You need to sit down and talk with her about the questions she will have.
Why did it take you so long to tell me ? will be just one of many.

Remember you have had a lifetime to adjust. How long has your wife had a few days or a week ? Things do not happen overnight. When the dust has settled, you can then think about asking for time to be Chrissy.

I suggest you read the link in my signature on how to tell your partner it still has good advice even though she knows.

[Beverley Sims]

I think your biggest mistake is asking "time for me".

You should have tried just sharing, it does not sound like you are ostracising her.

[Caden Lane]

Chrissy, I can't speak for anyone but me. But I saw where you did a whole lot of doing, not much talking, and what talking you did, was essentially a "demand" for private time.

Communication is a HUGE part of coming out to an SO. And simply letting her see that you are changing your hygiene habits with your nails, or that you are changing the nature of your undergarments doesn't really communicate the bigger picture. You say she is retired, therefore we can presume you are as well, if not far behind her. For all we know, she may have seen your peculiar behavior as either a mid-life crisis or a retirement crisis, but not a coming out. That's where communication comes in.

The caveat to that is, there has to be balance. You have to let your spouse feel that it's not so much a demand or a disruption in her or her life.

As for how I came out to my SO; I sat down and told her. I didn't show her. I explained things, answered questions in a non confrontational manner. And that was just me telling her I liked to wear lingerie. Back in January, after a year together I told her about wanting to go out dressed. Because that desire had evolved in me for various reasons I won't get into here. But again, we sat down and talked. Asked and answered questions, and did everything I could to help her be comfortable with it. I did not make promises I couldn't keep, I agreed to the need for certain ground rules, and gave her the promise of baby steps with her ( I was careful to make sure she knew that I'd be moving forward while she was baby stepping. So I try to limit her exposure strictly to what she is comfortable with) as well as time and space to process it all. The rewards have been... Rewarding. She's bought me lingerie, makeup, perfume, gave me a purse and sweater. Not every situation will be like that. But a measured response is better by far.

But for further advice in your conversations with her; there is a sticky in this forum area that specifically deals with coming out to an SO or spouse. A very good place to start, or in your case, reapproach.

[Marcelle]

Hi Chrissy,

I am not going to beat a dead horse here about how you came out to your wife (that has already been done). However ham fisted your outing may have appeared, in reality there is no perfect way to tell your wife "Honey, I like to dress like a girl". We all make decisions based on good intentions and sometimes they don't work out, no harm no foul . . . time to move forward. So rather than harp on the subtleties of how you came out I believe you are looking for advice on what to do now. So lets focus on the way ahead.

For better or worse the cat is out of the bag and as many have said, "you now need to talk to your SO". She is confused and would be regardless of "how you came out". If she is ready, sit her down, and discuss why you feel this need and answer her questions. Talk about what you can and she can live with and without. Don't make promises you can't keep (that will always go bad) and always be truthful about things as they progress. Going back to hiding a new revelation about CDing is not the way forward.


Will it work out for you? Will she accept you? There are no guarantees. However conversation is the first step you need to take. Good luck sweetie.

Hugs

Isha

[MsVal]

Among all the things you and your wife have in common, Chrissy, you now have a shared confusion regarding crossdressing. For you the confusion exists around your need to find some time, place, and acceptance for your crossdressing. Your wife's confusion exists around the more emotional, psychological, and relational aspects of crossdressing. I won't get into defining those, there are several excellent books available and articles on this forum.

You two have a common need to resolve the shared confusion. This can be a good starting point for discussions. Be humble. Explain that you are having trouble coming to grips with crossdressing and in your confusion you disclosed it in a tactless fashion. Tell her that you acknowledge that it hurt her deeply and you want begin to make it right. Let her know that you expect her to be confused, perhaps angry, and to have other strong feelings that you may not be able to comprehend without her help. Ask her to guide you to understand her feelings as you explain yours. Provide some material or web links. Admit that it is a lot to take in all at once and you don't expect her to grasp overnight what you've had decades to understand.

This talk should not be an attempt for acceptance. I believe that the best you can expect is to set a date when you two will discuss this again.

Regarding my disclosure: I sat down next to my wife and reminded her of how we have always been truthful with each other. I never want to keep secrets from her. She needs to know that I am struggling with a strong desire to wear feminine clothing. I said that I don't fully understand it myself and I don't expect her to understand.

It did not go well. After a couple of really tense days during which she did some independent research, she came to me and acknowledged that it is something I will have forever and she cannot change me. She remains quite saddened by it all; it affects her feelings of self worth. I feel lousy for being the source of her unhappiness.

Due to a great deal of pressure at her work, we agreed to resume talking about this in the spring, after the work pressure is relieved.

Best wishes
MsVal

[teri g]

I don't understand why you got blasted so hard by most of the responses here. People, blindsiding is when you're confronted with something that you had absolutely NO idea was coming. Far from blindsiding your wife, I think the clues you dropped from manicures to color add to shaving to underwear in your drawer add up to an obvious trail of crumbs that were all leading to some sort of gender identity issue. Whether it was planned or not, you were putting subtle hints out that already had her wondering/questioning your motives. How you choose to go forward and how she responds are anyone's guess, but blindsided? No way.