lying by ommission

[Tanya+]

I think it is tricky when the 'truth is something that is still forming within ourselves, its hard to communicate when it is still in flux, and it seems to me a bit unfair to blurt it out on an unsuspecting loved one as a whole; a truth like this kind of demands response, and a deep and loving response might come long after a big reaction.

My wife needs my strength, so i drip feed here my perspectives when i think she can hear them, and i back off and put no expectations on her. i don't want her to feel like i am taking a certain way f relating away from her.

Being skilful and kind with our truth takes a lot of thought and listening on our part. There is no one-size-fits all approach, You should take care of your heart and hers. Show your vulnerability, without taking away her trust and security. That is all i got anyway, good luck and take care.

[Allison_Leslie]

I think it's okay as long as you're in the assessment stage of figuring out if you are who you are.. but being real is ever so important in my book.
I think once you have made your decision to remain a crossdresser or to seek TG status.. I feel it is of vital importance to tell your SO... and take your time,
do so take your time and find the right way to do so, but by all means, I personally feel that since it's something that could very well be a deal-breaker for them,
if they had a dark secret that was a deal-breaker for you and kept it from you for so many years, you'd be highly pissed and feel your time was wasted
SO.. if its something good or bad, either way.. you need to save them the pain later on down the road and go ahead and tell them.. who knows it may actually strengthen your relationship and hey.. if they have to go.. love them and let them leave.

[Erica2Sweet]

Based on my own experiences early on with being a closeted CDer and dating, and my growing knowledge of human psychology, I can say that it is quite impossible to keep a secret as "big" as crossdressing from a spouse and not have it negatively impact the relationship. Often times it does so in a very traumatic and epic way. One of which that is common is the tendency of the CDer to unconsciously erode and eventually destroy the relationship in order to protect the crossdressing or the second gender identity that exists due to it.

All arguments over lying aside, isn't this enough to want to be open and honest in our relationships? After all, being able to be open and honest is freedom in its purest sense. Who really would want to live any other way?

Or, we could look at it this way: How does one place a high value on his or her relationship if it is maintained via deceit?... It's a trick question...

[Nadine Spirit]

Very well said Erica.

[Wildaboutheels]

Most folks, include most who water here, do not live in the RW. Which is why they answer this question incorrectly. No sane person tells their SO EVERYTHING...

Unless they don't live in the RW of course. And then there are the multitudes here who proclaim that ALL CDers of every flavor are exactly alike so ALL must follow the same rules.

Living with one's head buried in the sand helps no one.

[Lorileah]

OK BS Wild, we all live the real world. You have beaten that horse to death even more than this subject.

The whole semantic thing is never going to be resolved. You say eeether I say eyether, Is it a lie? Who knows...your SO would probably think so. But people here will continue to hide it thinking they are protecting their SO or their So could not possibly understand or that their SO does not deserve the chance to be an adult and make their own decision. That is what you are doing, you are deciding on what your SO can or cannot handle, So at the very least it is a trust issue. Of all the people in the world, you should trust your spouse. Unless you are willing to allow your spouse to not trust you.

Comparing TGism to having an affair, or something you did when you were 16, or anyone of the "bad" habits and vices people like to compare it to is apples and oranges. If you you still believe that what you do is immoral or illegal or a mental illness, then keeping it hidden is understandable. The first person you need to admit you are TG to is you. Know that you are not alone or that what you do is not "wrong".

[PaulaQ]

Comparing TGism to having an affair, or something you did when you were 16, or anyone of the "bad" habits and vices people like to compare it to is apples and oranges. If you you still believe that what you do is immoral or illegal or a mental illness, then keeping it hidden is understandable. The first person you need to admit you are TG to is you. Know that you are not alone or that what you do is not "wrong".

The thing is, the complete picture of the real world is that our views on whether or not what we do is OK don't really matter - to most of the rest of the world, especially so many of the women in it, what we do is abhorrent.

I'm a big believer in the truth - hey, I came out! I didn't have much choice in the matter, I was literally coming apart at the seams, but I did it. I paid a price for it too. If you are going to be unfairly punished for telling the truth, to my mind the ethics of the situation are far from black and white.

The one thing I do agree with on this forum is that if you are a CD or otherwise on the TG spectrum, you should come out before your relationship gets serious. If she's accepting, you have a partner for life. If she isn't, you are just saving the both of you heartache down the line. (Assuming she doesn't blackmail you, or out you to all your friends or coworkers and otherwise wreck your life!)

Once someone's made the mistake of not coming out - and again, given the stigma associated with coming out, and sometimes the real danger involved, I can understand why it would happen - it's just a horrible, messed up situation no matter what you do.

See what I mean though? It's a real dilemma.

If you are invested enough in someone to really trust them with this secret, you have a LOT of reasons not to tell for fear they won't accept and you'll lose someone you care for. If you don't trust them - well, you could give them your bank account number too, and bad stuff might happen with that information too.

When to tell them is hard.

I'm not trying to rationalize this - it's a terrible problem, and it's worse when we haven't come out to ourselves. Hey, it took me 40 years to come out to myself, so I'm in no position to judge anyone.