Today was another first for me. This was my third outing en femme, and my first solo outing. My first two outings were in the safety of a support group, while today I was completely on my own.
Once again I felt the freedom of being able to be myself in public. I felt significant less anxiety than yesterday, although the GD and GD related anxiety was replaced with different fears. Fear of the unknown, fear of being clocked, and fear of male attention. None of those fears came to pass. Over time, my fears diminished and I felt most confident by the end of the outing. There is a huge difference once you're not in the safety and comfort of your support group, and I'm glad I did two outings with a support group first. To slowly build up my confidence in presenting.
Let me tell you about my outing, where I went, and what happened. I left the house at 2:30 pm, and I took a drive down Mulholland Drive, which goes on top of the mountain separating the SF Valley from the city of LA. Well, technically the SF Valley is still part of the city of LA, but we're just the Valley.
I pulled over on the side of the road, and I called Paula and we spoke for about a half hour. Then I got out of the car and just enjoyed the scenery overlooking the Valley for a few minutes. I got back in the car and my next stop was Starbucks.
At Starbucks, a nice gentleman let me go in front of him in the line. The guy who was our server smiled at me. I'm not sure if he clocked me or if he thought I was cute. He neither sir'ed nor ma'amed me, although I noticed he didn't sir or ma'am anyone. I ordered a strawberry frap with whip cream, and when they asked me for my name i said Michelle. It felt really nice giving my female name when placing an order, and receiving a cup with the girly girl strawberry frap with the name Michelle on it.
I drank my frap and read a book there for about 30 minutes. It was starting to get rather crowded, and I started fearing snickers or comments. Guess what, none of that happened. No one really cares that I'm there. I was just another guest sitting down drinking her coffee (frap).
Next I drove to the Americana Mall in Glendale. I went to Barnes and Nobles (yes book stores still do exist). I read a number of books, and eventually I had to go use the restroom.
This moment was inevitable, needing to go in public would happen some day. Since this was my first time, I decided to ask a SA where are the restrooms. I got ma'amed. The SA said "How can I help you ma'am" and I replied asking where are the restrooms and he told me the ladies room is straight down and to your left.
I quietly walked inside the ladies room, and no one was there. I sat down, did my business, and I left. A few people walked in there and I just quietly washed my hands and left. P.S. If you need to use the restroom when out en femme, know the state laws and do quietly like I did. And I will quote Eryn, "do NOT even think of exercising the male privilege of standing up."
I went back inside the store, and continued to look at more books. I picked out a couple of books (one about the Law of Attraction, one about Fashion and Zodiac) - now you know how warped my thinking really is. I proceeded to the gift section, and looked at some scented candles, cards, and magnets with quotes. I ended up buying a pink journal, which I will use to write down stuff on my gender journey. I bought a magnet which has very inspirational words, words that totally apply to me. "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." These words really touched me. I also came across other quotes, some of which made me laugh.
I proceeded to pay, and I had a nice 5 minute conversation with the girl about shopping for discounts, the time change, and the quote magnets. She said that no one usually buys in the gift section, and we were talking about how you can buy the same things at Target for half the price.
Finally, I drove to Panera Bread and ordered some dinner to go. I walked into Panera very confidently and a gentleman held the door open for me. I thanked him politely. By this point my fears completely disappeared. I went on to order macaroni and cheese and a chicken avocado salad to go. I gave my female name again for the order. When they called my name, I picked up the order, thanked them, and walked out probably the most confidently of the entire outing. It wasn't overly crowded but there were a few people sitting and eating dinner.
I got back home at around 7:45, and walked in my front door as any normal outing.
Morals of the story:
1. This was a necessary step since if I am even thinking of transitioning, I will need to get out on my own and can't always be in the safety and comfort of a support group.
2. Be on your best behavior is super important.
3. As long as you behave well, no one really cares that there is a cross-dresser or transgender woman in the store. I mind my own business. Everyone minds their own.
4. My fears diminished throughout the outing, as I gained more confidence in my ability to present publicly and be myself around people, as well as interact with clerks.
5. I think I am starting to get the hang of purses.
6. I gained valuable experience driving en femme, and leaving and entering my car, and walking in parking lots.
Number of times sir'ed: 0
Number of times ma'amed: 1
I have a lot to report to my therapist on Wednesday and at my support group on Friday.
Edit: What I wore
I wore a black with gray sweater (the gray is meshed with the black), a black with white polka-dot knee-length skirt, hose, and cute flats. My entire outfit was from Target. This proves that you can buy a really nice outfit from Target.
Originally Posted by Persephone
