I've been out to my wife since before we married more than a decade ago and she has been quite supportive of me over the years. In the last four years, I have certainly gone farther than over the years that preceded and along the way I've spoken with my wife about her feelings and my intentions.
Recently, however, I have learned that my wife was feeling troubled. Oddly enough, it wasn't so much by my dressing, but her concern that she had not been entirely honest with me about her feelings. And those feelings compelled her to seek help from a local gender therapist.
She summoned up the resolve to talk with me about this last week. She came away from the counseling with a positive and encouraging attitude, but had some things she wanted to address. First, because I'm dressed nearly full time when I'm at home, she wanted to where I thought I was heading. Second, she acknowledged missing the male partner and third, admitted that she wasn't quite sure how to relate to me as a woman and felt herself pulling away as a result.
She also wanted to offer some options that she hoped would allow me the level of self expression I need and give her a break from having me dressed while we were together. One was to participate in a group arranged through the gender counselor with other transgendered people for dinner and socialization at LGBT friendly establishments in the area. Another was to designate some days as "male" and "female", so she could have time with me in "male mode" more often. And she asked me if I'd accompany her to a session with the gender therapist.
The odd part was my initial reaction. I really didn't handle it well at first. I was taken aback when I learned of her concerns - and I admit feeling hurt that she had mislead me into thinking everything was good. And at least until I had a chance to sleep on it, I told her I was inclined to go back into the closet or try to quit altogether.
After a long and relatively sleepless night, I got over the hurt feelings and started to think more positively about her "options". I agreed to split the male and female days 50:50...more or less. I was a bit less enthusiastic about the group get togethers...and offered to think more about it. The same went for the session with her counselor.
Now after a few more days of consideration, I'm inclined to go along with both the get-togethers and visiting with her counselor. I'm a little surprised and disappointed at my initial reaction and the fact that its taken a while to get comfortable with her ideas. Fortunately, she realized that it takes time to process such information.
My take aways on this: 1) communications is tricky and silence is not the same as agreement; 2) both partners need to allow each other time to adjust to change and 3) even when it seems you're on the same page, its important to reopen the conversation and "re-check" from time to time.
In summary "assume nothing"
