Interesting conversation while out with the wife today..

[sammiecd]

en drab, of course. I've never publicly dressed. If you're not aware of my situation with my wife it's basically this: She knows I'm bi-curious and that I have an interest in womens attire.

We've never really discussed this issue, but sometimes she says things that make me wonder if she's prodding. We were out at the mall picking up somethings for her, and as we were walking she says, "I need a pedicure. You know, now that we've moved [a considerable distance away from where we've lived for a long time], I've got no girlfriends anymore." and then finished up saying something along the lines of "you'll have to fill in."

I can't remember the exact words because I always get SUPER embarrassed when she mentions something about me being feminine, and can't look at her and go red in the face -- the whole deal. Anyway. She does this kind of stuff every now and again. I guess I should mention that before she made the above comment, we had talked previously that day about how her new guy friends at work were comparing what they liked in the opposite sex, and she admitted to them (and to me through the conversation) that she didn't like super macho masculine guys (lucky for me! lol).


I'm sure I'm just spinning it all around in my head and making more of it than there is, but I just so incredibly embarrassed when she says things like she thinks my butt looks cute (or says she wishes she had my butt). Those comments just make me so happy, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to muster the courage to lay it all out for her.

I guess I just needed to get that out there.

[Beverley Sims]

Respond in kind..... Just a little bit each time.

I remember using an old line from a song once.

I could wear that dress, and my reply was, I could fill it better.

The next couple of hours were spent proving my point.

[josrphine]

Sammie, The male image will always be there, I am Ex U D T Viet Nam era, a ex power line man for U I. So I can an do satisfy her as a man. I then have my Fem side which she loves . Your Cross dressing will be with you all your life it get's harder to deny as you age. JO

[ReineD]

I obviously don't know your wife, but as a GG this is what I sense:

1. She has no clue what the CDing is about, in you or in anyone else. My feeling is that she suspects it is a kink. Hence the playful suggestion that you wear her panties in the bedroom. A lot of GGs are OK with a little kink in the bedroom, especially if it appears to be a turn on for our spouses. But remember that nothing in her background with you gives her any hint that you are inherently feminine.

2. She loves you a lot. She knows there is something associated with feminine things that you are embarrassed to talk about, and to a GG this spells "disconnect". We do feel uneasy when our spouses have personal things they do not like to discuss. In a way, it feels as if they want to keep us out of a part of their lives. So your wife's comments are designed to bring you out of your shell … to let you know that it's OK and that no matter what it is, she loves you and she is willing to play along. Hence her comment about needing a girlfriend shortly after your move. She wants you to share with her what is going on, like any girlfriend would.

I think that you should talk to her and tell her everything. But please don't make the mistake of downplaying it and letting her believe that it IS just a kink. There have been many stories here of wives who are OK with it as long as they think it's not serious, but who then cool off when they discover it is more serious and their husband's gender comes into question. There are of course wives who know that it is more than a kink and they're OK with that, but I think they still fundamentally believe that their husbands are men.

It's best to tell her the truth from the onset and this means that you will need to do your own homework so that you will be able to communicate what the CDing brings to you, how you feel when you don't crossdress, how far you think that you will want to take it (your ideal mind's-eye scenario). Also be prepared to share all your feelings, including your feelings of embarrassment. You do want your wife to know how much you struggle with this.

[sammiecd]

Reine, thank you for your advice. Theres a lot here that I've never even considered and I really appreciate a fresh perspective. I'm feeling a lot better about talking to my wife about all this, but I'm not sure when that will be. We moved for her to take a new job (a promotion) that has her a little more stressed than usual, but I think when she gets into the groove of things, she'll be more easy to talk about this sort of thing.

Getting a pedi with her might be a good conversation starter.. I'd rather not bring it up out of the blue, because that seems to surpise her in a negative way. She has confronted me about it all before but not directly. She and I were talking about fantasies and fetishes and she kept asking me if I had any that I hadn't told her about. Of course, I balked (this was a year or two ago) and couldn't bring it out to her. But she asks these sort of questions every once in a while.. I might try and just ask her what she thinks she knows about my cd. One thing I've learned so far from you and from others in this thread is that she probably has a predefined image or conception about what cd is.

Thanks again everyone for your help! I'm always open to more advice Hope you all had a great weekend!

[Kays_Heels]

I empathise with your embarrassment although it sounds like your wife was inviting you to do something girly with her, and in the absence of GFs, counts you as an honorary one!

I have become aware that my nails could do with some care beyond routine maintenance so would leap at the chance of doing something like that with my wife. Togetherness comes to mind? Kay x

[mechamoose]

It sounds to me like she is trying to be encouraging. She seems to indicate that she likes the feminine bits she sees, especially if she is still giving you positive 'mate' feedback (like the cute butt comment).

I'd suggest trying to work up the courage to talk to her about it more. You might be surprised.

- MM

[Teresa]

Take things steady, age is on your side you could end up with a great marriage with a very understanding partner. You might have missed a trick with the comment about your butt, you could have said what it might look better in !

[KristyE]

Sounds like shes giving you an opening, next time be prepared to step in. These are chances I would die for. I'm also very shy so having thoughts planed ahead helps.
Love KristyE

PS Your picture is very cute, go for it.

[kimdl93]

It's never a good idea to read minds. If you're unsure of your wife's meaning, then ask her. And be honest. Your wife already knows, so if you want to go along for a pedi, tell her. If you want to do more than that tell her.

[carolynn2fem]

I'm with Kim on this. ENJOY

[Laura912]

During my career it was obvious that those who tried to read others minds were finding blank pages and then writing on those pages with their own imaginations. Simply say, "That would be fun. Let's do it." Or ask, "Is that something you would like me to do?" She has invited you so accept the invitation and see where it goes.

[Katey888]

Sammie,

You've certainly got youth on your side, but don't miss the opportunity to do what you said you haven't done: really discuss this issue...

The best relationships are augmented by open and honest communication - you've got the opportunity to start that process at an early stage, so find the right circumstance and take it!

My wife has often remarked that she likes my butt - but I doubt she's ever anticipated seeing it the way I dress sometimes... My point being, we can sometimes read into comments things we want to hear - but it takes proper communication to confirm what's really behind them..

You need to find that courage, Sammie... in your own time...

Katey x

[Jenniferathome]

It does not take courage to talk about things that are difficult, it takes trust. You already have that in her AND she knows. One simple question for her to get things started, "Honey, what did you mean when you said I'd have to fill in for your girlfriend?"

Now, before you get too hopeful, I think women who know their husbands cross dress are not generally thinking about cross dressing. So when things like this are offered up, I tend to think it maenad "hanging out as if with a girlfriend" but not dressed. That could mean getting a manicure or pedicure or just lunch.

Just ask her.

[josrphine]

Hi Sammie, I agree with laura, for u to open it up. I had to do that being older I did not have time to wait it out. It has worked out very well. After my divorce I move to Florida and any women that I went out with, that I thought was going to like me an see more of me I told right of the bat. I am happy to say that it was taken very well. I now am married to a great women (8 yrs) an we have been sisters all the time. Are biggest problem is cloths, we are the same size shoes too 10 1/2 . Oh she likes my butt too. Jo

[Claire Cook]

I guess I'm with everyone else here -- take her up on her suggestions. And maybe it's time to stop being embarrassed about those little compliments -- try blushing and saying "Thanks --do you really think so?"

[Marcelle]

HI Sammie,

It could be your wife is holding out an olive branch of sorts but as others have said it is not good to try and guess the meaning of those comments. I would just take a moment, sit her down and discuss it exactly as you described it to us. Find out where she is with all this. The comments were made but you need to bring clarity to the meaning "filling in as a GF" may be just a quirky way of saying I don't have friends right now so let's do things together. Having the conversation now will help to establish the ground work for future communication. Just curious, you said she knows you have an interest in women's attire but does she know you dress?

Hugs

Isha

[Michellegryl]

Hi, Sammie

I agree with the others here that you should not try to interpret her meaning with those comments, it is always best to open up a dialogue and ask her what she meant by them. Saying you have a cute butt does not by itself imply that she was thinking that in a feminine way, and having a pedicure and or manicure with your wife is not uncommon at all any more. The salon where I get my nails done has husband/wife couple specials all the time. It can be a lot of fun by the way as my wife and I go together frequently with me being in either mode (it is way more fun in girl mode).

I understand your embarrassment when she makes these comments but I think that you would be less so if you were more comfortable with who you are and if you were able to talk about it with your wife. I have been in that position before and what worked well for me, was to write her a letter first explaining how you feel and that you would like to talk to her about it and then lay it all out there on paper. Once the dialogue was there it was much easier to sit and talk about things without having to spill the beans in a face to face or you can do like me and sit there while she reads it and let that be the intro into the conversation. This worked very well for me and we have had a very good dialogue about it ever since.

It sounds to me like you just need to push your comfort zone a little and get it out there. you might be surprised at how well it will go.

Good luck

Hugs
Michelle

[CarlaWestin]

Hi Sammie, I'm in the same situation with my wife. She wants nothing to do with my dressing and just wishes it would go away. Although I originally felt as though our relationship was one of acceptance within the boundaries of monogamy, I've found that it's just not so. My dressing remains in my realm and is only discussed with disdain. I used to hear things she said through pink headphones, feeling as though she wanted to bond like a girlfriend. Wrong, her negative attitude is forged from a lifetime of religious guilt and social prejudice. DADT is the law around here and, that's probably as far as it's going to go. Her lose, in my opinion.

[Emilyl]

Sammie, it sounds as though you could be headed down a path to a very amazing trusting marriage. I lucked up big time and I have a girlfriend that openly and happily accepts Emily and loves to go out with me and stay in and have a girls night. She feels as though she has a unicorn that she can't tell anyone about. I fill the duties of a boyfriend and a girlfriend to her, maybe your wife is thinking about that as well? Honestly though, I would suggest looking at the advice in this thread, talk to your wife as communication is everything.

[sammiecd]

Wow! I posted this late last night and did not expect all these comments when I woke up! (i'm a late sleeper on sundays )

I really appreciate all your insights and comments on the matter. I'm not sure where to start! :3

I know it would be disastrous to jump in head first, making assumptions about the things she says sometimes. It's the way she makes them, though that always makes me wonder. Normally, if she tries to tease me about something, she'll be.. more aggressive about it. Especially if I show signs of embarrassment. When she makes comments about me with regard to femininity, she seems to stop and wait, as if possibly to see how I react. It could be just that she likes watching how I react to those things and doesn't necessarily mean that she's looking for me to fess up. But I always freeze up, because I have no idea how to handle it but at the same time wish I could just put it all out there.

Just curious, you said she knows you have an interest in women's attire but does she know you dress?

Isha

This one is tricky, because there have been times where I KNOW she knows. You know? lol One year on our anniversary, we were out traveling and she gave me her panties and asked me to put them on. It was a semi-joke, she thought the whole thing was funny, but was trying not to show it. It didn't help that my initial reaction was "sure!" and take them like a goof and put them on in such a way (they were more like boy shorts that had a narrow crotch to them) that looked silly. It's my default reaction to make a joke when embarrassed so, :/

Then there have been other times, while intimate, that she suggested that I put on her panties that I had just taken off of her. I know. glaringly obvious attempts to share with me in all this. What usually stops me is that I freeze because I've never let myself be vulnerable in a feminine way to her like that before. I love her to death and am afraid I might jeopardize my *male* role to her. I don't want her to think differently (in a negative way) toward me because of it all. She didn't have a clue about me dressing when we dated for 7 years, and then got married, and I don't want to be unfair to her by radically changing how she views me.

I know she's found other things like her earrings in one of my boxes downstairs (indicating that I had used them) and used tissues with lipstick on them, so I think she suspects that I do more than panties, but I'm just not 100% certain of what she knows and what she's comfortable with.

Another thing that has given me pause, is that I tried to surprise her with a few fun items in the bedroom, and one in particular caught her completely off guard and we had discussion about it because it made her specifically nervous. She's not a very kinky person, by her own admission, so it was something we had to discuss at length. At one point in the conversation, she made a joke (as per usual in our relationship) that she wasn't sure she married the right person (because I tend to be kinky and she tends to be vanilla.) I knew she meant it as a joke, but it hurt me, and I told her so. I told her that I would just send the stuff back because none of it was worth "that." "That" being any uncertainty it might bring into our relationship, regardless of it being a joke or not.

Anywho, I'm rambling. Thank you all for the kind comments about my pic. Sorry if that was a lot! I'm so glad to be able to talk to others with the same background and interests as me!

[carhill2mn]

I do hope that you are soon able to get over being "SUPER embarrassed". You are likely missing out on some potentially fun times. BTW, why are you embarrassed?

[darla_g]

I think at this point you should just be honest with her how you field. You should also ask her what kinds of bounds she wants on this dressing and then you need to determine that is ok with you.

The reason i say this because i think there are SO who don't mind the dressing, but there are times they want their man.

[MarcellaMcNul]

I completely relate to what you are going through. I came out to my SO of 5yrs after the second or third date. Ironically, she is far more accepting of me crossdressing and having a femme side than I am. She routinely brings up and asks about MiMi (her name for me), Gives me gifts such as; a jewelry armoire,a makeup kit, jewelry and hand-me-down clothes. has accompanied me wig shopping, is supportive of my interest to learn jewelry making and took the lead in organizing a girl's night out to NYC last year (which is still on hold) etc,etc.

In spite of all this I am still hindered by feelings of embarrassment and shame when sharing my cd'ing on any level with anyone else.

In the mean time my life is passing by at the same unnerving rate of speed as everybody else's and I am not doing myself any favor by allowing such an important and integral part of my being to remain stifled and stunted.

Here is what I plan to do about it; attend; TG Night at Triangles Cafe in Danbury,Ct next Saturday night, COS"s monthly Wednesday night meeting on the 26th and actively seek to find friends and associates in my State.

P.S. pls note my new signature.

[ambigendrous]

Maybe you can surprise her with a mani/pedi appointment for the two of you?