As long as he is monogamous, it does not matter.
As long as he is monogamous, it does not matter.
I wouldn't focus on his sexual preference so much as his credibility. From what you posted, it sounds like he has a tendency to hold back on the truth in general. Bad sign.
Lots of heterosexual males did some experimentation in their teens or young adult years, mostly to find it just wasn't for them. If your bf says he is attracted to some men, that suggests at least the the experimenting may not be over. In a nonjudgmental way, ask him to be as honest with you as he would be with himself about his level of attraction...is it something he would want to explore, and about his sexual history. I assume you two are sexually active, and so as his sex partner, his sexual history is now also yours. You have a right to know if he has taken risks of exposure to STDs and frankly you both should be tested.
That doesn't mean he isn't the right person for you. But he needs to understand that this is important stuff, too important to hide until alcohol loosens his tongue.
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
Eleanor Roosevelt
I am finding this an interesting thread and I relate to the original poster. My Boyfriend cross dresses and I am completely accepting. He, however, spends a lot of time chatting on a TV dating site to other CD and admirers. We have discussed this and he admits he is having cyber sex. He says he needs the validation of being seen as a submissive woman by a man or dominant CD. He maintains online you do what you don't do in real life. I fear this is online sex addiction/fetish. He is very much in the closet with this. He also recently told me he can only get aroused if he is seen as a woman. I'm glad at this point he is openly sharing these things with me but it's a lot to process. Any thoughts on this within the context of this conversation?
Elizabeth, over time I've read many posts by CDers who say and do the same things. It seems to be rather common.
So tell me ... how do you feel about all of this? Are you OK with the cyber-sex and your bf only becoming aroused if he feels that he is seen as a woman?
Reine
709love; you should ask yourself the question, is he worth it? Do you want to continue down this path with him?
I sure don't understand all of the cd's here who advise dumping these guys because of their lack of honesty. As a group, it seems as though our SO's have to practically pry the cross dressing secret out of us, so I'm pretty hesitant to condemn anyone who has difficulty being completely up front about such personal issue.
PaulaQ,
Thank you for your honest thoughts on the matter (and humor). Also, thank you for the clarification on my poor use of word choice. I did not mean to offend in any way. Joining this site was my first (well 2nd maybe considering my SO is a CDer) attempt at correcting my ignorance. I think you are right in that he is trying to be honest, but being a little cautious as well. I told him that if he had told me about being a CDer on our first date I would have probably ran for the hills! I consider myself to be a pretty accepting person but CDing was a completely foreign thing for me. And we often do fear what we do not understand. I am glad he gave me the chance to get to know him a couple of months before he broached the subject. By waiting just a bit before telling me (and yes, it was only a small portion of what would eventually come out) he gave me the chance to get to know a pretty awesome guy and become a little more educated and accepting of a portion of our society that is misunderstood.
Thanks again for your thoughtful reply!
ReineD,
You are absolutely right. I did think about having to "compete" with a girl with more parts than me. It made me question if I am enough for my SO. I am trying to get past that fear. I told him how I felt and he assured me that I was absolutely all he could handle.I think you addressed a really significant point that many GG's may not feel comfortable discussing. Thanks!
Penny
Last edited by Katey888; 03-20-2014 at 11:02 AM. Reason: Consecutive posts merged - please use edit to add to existing post rather than post again..
@Penny M - you didn't offend me at all. The "S" word is the first word many hear to describe a transgender woman, and there is an entire sub-genre of pornography that uses that term for marketing purposes. You really didn't have any way to know better.
I was more annoyed at the folks here who, ahem, do know better and didn't correct you.
I'm glad that you are giving him a chance. That's all any of us in any relationship can really ask. And I certainly appreciate your willingness to learn about what is going on with your SO. I applaud you for that, in fact. So many women learn enough to give us even a chance. My wife was one such, and I miss our relationship.
I wish you both the best!
Paula
PS after you have 10 posts, please feel free to PM me if there is anything I can do to help you.
Hmmm...this is an interesting thread and thanks for the input Paula and Reine. I find the advice to dump him strange but maybe black and white works for some people and that is how they lead their lives. Myself, sexuality is much more complex and gray. I am always stunned how sexuality seems to define us in peoples eyes. Most people are much more than their sexual preference and yet are branded by that preference. I don't want to generalize, but many men are poly in their sexual inclinations and I believe that is hard wired. It does sound as if he is bi but does that mean you can't still have a good relationship...does it? My advice is to assure him he can be honest with you but also you should be honest with him and with yourself. I can't give advice on sexual monogamy as I am not sure I really believe it as possible. Can you have sex with more than one person but truly love just that one person? Yes, I think it is possible but maybe not for you. You have to communicate what your boundries are and share them and hopefully he can do the same.
My initial response to knowing this about my boyfriend was a festering anger. I ended the relationship and he agreed. I then worked on getting myself to detach emotionally. Four weeks later he asked to come back and apologized. As he is quite an unemotional person his actions speak volumes. I am now trying to objectively understand his actions and he is trying to communicate more. Personality plays a big part in this too. If he wants to live as a woman and the chat quells the feeling what can he use to substitute for that as he feels society will never accept him if he comes out? How does one gauge if he is serious or only playing?
I can appreciate that. An online relationship / cybersex feels just like cheating - the feelings of betrayal are very, very real. I can attest to this. Some people view it as nothing more than masturbation - but I don't really believe that myself. I know finding your SO involved in this can really hurt, and I'm sorry you experienced that hon.Originally Posted by Elizabeth36
He may be more emotional than you suspect, hon. It's impossible to numb one emotion without numbing them all, and it is almost a certainty that he's been suppressing this feminine side of himself for a long, long time. That comes at a price.As he is quite an unemotional person his actions speak volumes. I am now trying to objectively understand his actions and he is trying to communicate more.
Hon, if he needs to feel submissive in the relationship in order to be aroused sexually, there's really only a few options:If he wants to live as a woman and the chat quells the feeling what can he use to substitute for that as he feels society will never accept him if he comes out? How does one gauge if he is serious or only playing?
1. Find something you can do together that satisfies this for him, at least sometimes. (He needs to make sure YOU are satisfied too though!) Example: seducing him and taking the lead in bed.
2. If that aspect of his sexuality is something you can't fulfill, and you can't find a compromise, you can allow him to have, with your knowledge, relationships that satisfy that. Most of us aren't able to do this, to be quite honest with you.
3. If the two of you aren't compatible sexually, then you just aren't, and it may mean the relationship just isn't going to ever work really well for the two of you. I hope that's not the case.
If your spouse ultimately needs to gender transition in order to be a whole person, there isn't one thing you nor anyone nor anything can do to stop this. And he's quite right - society will never accept him as a trans woman. I can attest to that. At least not society today, and likely not within our lifetimes. That said - he probably won't transition, most of the people on this forum will NEVER transition. Some will though.
The best explanation I can give you for his behavior is that the feminine part of him wants to have a woman's role in bed, at least how he perceives a woman's role. It's probably more complicated that that, really. In the heteronormative world - i.e. straightsville, where you and he live, sexually, men are on top, women are on the bottom, right? Well, not really - but everyone views it that way. In point of fact though, some people, regardless of sex, tend to be the initiators of sex, and some the recipients. (Tops and bottoms, respectively.) He may really just naturally be a bottom - kind of a submissive guy sexually. A LOT of CDs tend to be submissive. He may really need this sometimes.
BTW, I'm NOT suggesting you have to become "the top" in the relationship, at least not all the time, and it's possible that you are NEVER comfortable in that role, and that's OK too. It may simply be the case that this is an incompatibility between the two of you. How you deal with it you both have to figure out. Maybe it's a deal killer, maybe it isn't.
I wish you the best, hon.
Elizabeth, you can only know if he tells you the truth. Do you believe he is being truthful? I am a cross dresser, I go out. I've never had a problem. This video chat activity may be a substitute for something, but it is not about cross dressing. Chat does not substitute going out. Chat is not just a fantasy there is a truth underlying it.
The bottom line is trust. If you can not trust him to tell the truth, you can not trust him, period.
Hands up those who have never lied about their crossdressing?
We have all lied at some point to ourselves to those close to us about our 'dirty little secret'
That said, 1st you need to know is he being faithful to you? Do you trust him when he says he is being faithful? If the answer is No then there is only one course of action. If the answer is Yes (or even a unsure), then its time for the big sit down cards on the table where do we go from here talk.
The past doesn't matter, what done is done. The Present and the Future is what matters now. It doesn't matter whether he has given a bj to man in the past, the question is he still doing now? Look at it like this, if your Bf slept with another woman in the past would you mind? If he is still doing it (sleeping around) while he is in a relationship with you, that would be a very major issue. It's the same principle.
As for his sexual 'issues' that's for him to sort out, people can give advice, but first he needs to be honest with himself, and from what you've posted he's not. Maybe he needs to talk to a third party about these 'issues'.
If he is being honest and faithful, then try and be supportive, helpful and a friend for him.
If he is lying tosspot and playing both sides of the field then kick the toe-rag out.
Last edited by Rachaelb64; 03-20-2014 at 02:19 PM.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Life is to short so enjoy it to the full
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Today is a good day to Dress!
You have lots of questions in these few lines!
1. If he wants to live as a woman, he is either in an intensely euphoric (and perhaps sexual) fantasy that we call the "Pink Fog" (see this thread), or he is transsexual. And only time can tell if he is. The trouble is that sometimes CDers in Pink Fogs do think they might be TS ... or if they don't define it as TS, they say they want to be a woman. This is different than knowing they are women and needing to make their bodies congruent with their gender identity.
2. As Jennifer suggests, cybersex is not a solution or substitution to either crossdressing or transsexualism. So this alone, plus the way that you've described your bf suggests that it might be fetish for him as opposed to transsexualism or gender non-conformity (feeling bi-gendered or gender fluid and needing to express this).
3. If he really does want to live as a woman in the sense that he is TS, there's a lot to say about this but I'll try to do so in a nutshell. He will need to develop a tough skin and get over the fact that some segments of society will potentially treat him as an outcast, at least during the transition phase which can last years. He will effectively need to make a choice: be true to himself. Or not. And if he is TS, eventually it will cease being all about sex. If he then starts hormone therapy (which will remove his male sexual functioning), there is a chance that he will eventually reach a point of passing as a woman and lead a reasonably happy life, although the road to this point is long, arduous, and expensive. He will need to get rid of his facial hair (electrolysis which can cost up to $20,000) and he may or may not need Facial Feminization Surgery and/or breast implants. Having Sexual Reassignment Surgery is another question altogether. Different camps of TSs debate whether this is necessary or not. And you do need to know that quite of few of our transitioned TSs have changed their sexual preferences to men after hormones and transition.
4. How can you gauge if he is just wants to play or not? You can't, not at this point in time. He might consider seeing a gender specialist. Or he'll need to take it as far as he wants to and then he'll know - some crossdressers have had sex with men and discovered that the reality didn't match the fantasy. Unfortunately this is often done at the expense of their relationships. Other CDers for whom it is sexual are quite happy being single and indulging in their fantasies with men. We've had quite a few threads about this.
But Elizabeth, I think that you need to decide what YOU need in this relationship and then honor this. Are you satisfied with a partner who wants to go outside of your relationship for sex, whether it is cyber with an eventual risk of face-to-face? Or if he chooses to stop the cybersex and put his sexual energy into you (if he can do this), are you satisfied with having non-traditional sex and will this live up to the test of time? And do you love him enough to stick by him while he figures all this out?
You and your bf have a lot to talk about and I wish you both all the best while you do this.
Reine
@Elizbeth36 - let's assume he doesn't want to transition. BTW, the feelings that lead one to transition are almost entirely negative ones, not positive ones. Unfortunately, they develop over time, and can be progressive, episodic, and varying in intensity. Most crossdressers do not transition to living life as women. Does it happen? Yes. At a first order approximation, if he's not a completely miserable human being, or his life isn't a train-wreck, or both, he's probably not a transsexual. Or at least he isn't close to transitioning.
Hi there,
If I read your post your BF is talking about his past experiences? Does this pre-date your relationship with him or was it during? I get the impression this was past (post relationship activity).
Everyone has their own opinion on fidelity (and if this activity pre-dates your relations it is not a fidelity issue) and truthfulness but I don't think that is what you were asking and it appears the thread has gone down that rabbit hole as these often do.
My advice would be to sit him down and have a frank discussion on where he sees your relationship going. While he may have experimented with men in the past it does not necessarily mean he is bisexual but he may have been sexually curious as the context of his male relationships is not evident in your post (was it when he was young, distant past, recent). I would explore his current feelings about men with him . . . sometimes being frank is the best way forward. Does he still find guys attractive? Can he see himself engaging in relations with other men? If he answers yes to these questions or you feel he is not being open and honest then it is likely he is bisexual and just not prepared to admit it you or perhaps himself. In addition I recommend you discuss how you feel he is just with you because you support his CDing and physical needs. Sometimes people can get so wrapped up in themselves that they don't notice how their behaviors affect those around them. He may not (or may) know he comes off that way. The surest way to clear that up would be discuss it.
The other side of this relationship is "you". Specifically what do you want to get out the relationship? If you discover he is bisexual, is that a deal breaker for you? If it is, then your decision is quite clear . . . move on. If his being bisexual is not an issue and you feel he is attracted to you and he is meeting your needs both emotionally and physically (relationships are a two-way street so it should not be all about him) then I say move forward with the relationship but I would keep the communication lines open when it comes to this aspect of your relationship.
Hugs
Isha
Thank you everyone for your cogent, well thought out responses. I apologise for highjacking this thread. Paula, I think you are onto something when you speak of him repressing his emotions. His life is far from a train wreck. He is highly successful and highly educated but his career is high stress. It's as though he has compartmentalised the girl so much that she is only allowed out when he wants to let off steam. Objectively speaking it almost seems like he dissociates at times within the course of a conversation switching back and forth between the two voices. This is new since he asked to come back into my life. Does this sound plausible?
Anything is "plausible", when it comes to CDs and TSs. Because we r all over the board. Much like your SO may be at times. The thing is, he MAY be being completely honest with u and either be lying to himself, or simply hasn't gotten to where he's going to yet. He may end up being trans. Or, as I suspect, bi. I'm suspicious because he's attracted to men online. But, as he says, it MAY just be role playing and in real life men's parts may not turn him on.
I think u must face the fact that sex with him is never going to be, monogamous/normal. If you're NOT up for that, he's not for u!
Last edited by DAVIDA; 03-21-2014 at 05:44 AM. Reason: There is no need to quote the post right before your post.
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
After many, many years I realize there are so many variations to the gender universe I can't keep up with them. Likewise, I'm not good at doling out advice, only support. So, that's what I'll do: I wish you the best and hope it works out as you would like it to. Hugs.
I repressed my emotions for years. I had to do this - I was a woman imprisoned in a man's body / life. Even those of us who are "just a crossdresser", as the saying around here goes, have to repress these feelings to some extent and keep this part of themselves hidden in order to survive.
The problem is that you can't just suppress one emotion - you clamp down on one, you clamp 'em all down to some extent. There's no doubt in my mind that this is what you've experienced with him in the past.
As for expressing femininity when he wants to let off steam, I think this is precisely what is happening. My own pet (unscientific) theory is that virtually all of the CDs on this forum experience the same type of gender dysphoria that I and other transsexuals experience - but just to a SUBSTANTIALLY lower severity. (Generally low enough that they have male identities, and will never need to transition - but do need SOME amount of cross gender expression in order to alleviate their GD.) My own experience tells me that GD exerts a certain amount of stress. We all have a tipping point, and when there are other external stressors, it's easy to reach a point where the GD simply has to be dealt with.
I doubt he really dissociates, in the clinical sense - as that involves separate identities with unique memories. There certainly can be two sides of his personality, masculine side and a feminine side. It's often not clear, even to us, which is the real identity, and which is a kind of a mask. In my case, my identity is largely female. My male personality was a really good act, designed to keep me alive.
The unfortunate thing is that for many of us, it's only clear in retrospect whether or not we will ever transition. If you'd told me two years ago that I'd be living full time as a woman in Dallas, I'd have told you that you were INSANE. Yet here I am.
It is a good sign, in my opinion, that he's not an emotional wreck. Some of us transition without completely falling apart, but that doesn't seem to me to be as common. It's much more common to see someone simply start coming unglued and unable to function well in life in some respects.
If you'd like to discuss this in more detail and with some privacy - I'd be happy to tell you my story, for example - feel free to send me a private message once you have more than 10 posts.
Paula
Paula, I had to comment on this as I'd never thought of it this way before when you talk of gender dysphoria, but the reality is, as a GG and non gender dysphoric person, I've never actually 'felt' my gender. That makes no sense, I'm sure, but that's really what I mean. I've never, ever felt a conflict or found myself uncomfortable or even vaguely questioned my gender. I've also never felt female (I seriously don't know what this means) yet that's what I am, and I've never questioned this or really cared. I just am, and weirdly enough, I can spot this similarity in others. (I know a female from a male, in other words, like yourself being female) Yet everyone here has varying degrees of discomfort with their gender and considering the issues the OP is facing, and the things you and others have written, it's no wonder we have these relationship issues. We will never get it! I now realise the rest of us just don't 'feel' our gender the way everyone here does, and that's because we're gender aligned, I guess.
Wow, revelation. Too many in one week...I need a drink!
To the OP and Elizabeth, look after yourselves first, okay? I'm finally learning to do this, and on the way I hope also to preserve my own marriage to a crossdresser. But if the marriage fails, we still have to live with ourselves so it's best we like what we see and appreciate who we are, just as our partners should do the same.
Message me anytime. I'm learning, too x
Last edited by Tinkerbell-GG; 03-21-2014 at 04:48 AM.
Sexuality is not a matter of opinion, I don't pretend to know your boyfriend and I don't have any stake in the outcome, so the only thing I can offer is a little insight. No-one here can (or should) tell you whether or not your boyfriend is attracted to men and you should take should take advice with many grains of salt here.
Cross-dressers involved in sexual acts with (other) men aren't necessarily gay or bi, i.e. sexually and/or romantically attracted to men. The best way I can explain it is by putting it quite bluntly: just because a man masturbates, doesn't mean he's sexually attracted to his own hand. Many cross-dressing individuals get sexually aroused by the idea of being 'the woman' in a sexual act and some decide to act out that fantasy. I don't know whether or not that's the case with your boyfriend, but it's something that has confused many SOs and even cross-dressers.
Well this is for sure more complex than it seems, but atleast to me, if you act upon the idea of being with a man, you are a man (doesnt matter if crossdressed or not), even if you are not attracted to them, the fact of liking what you imply here, being the "woman" in a sexual act with a man, well... its not exactly straight as an arrow. Maybe straight with a little bit of bisexual tendencies?
This is an interesting thread but it seems to have become overly complex. As someone else has stated, we have fallen down the rabbit hole!
I'll give my simple and to-the-point opinion for you to take with a grain of salt:
Either he is experimenting (which many of us do) with his sexuality. Are you okay with being in a relationship with someone who is experimenting with their sexuality?
or.....
He enjoys bisexual encounters while crossdressing (which few of us do, and I am one of them). Are you okay being in a relationship with someone whose active sex life includes bisexual encounters while crossdressing?
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