confused.

[709love]

I have posted before about my bf being a cross dresser mainly limited to lingerie but recently things have escalated and he likes to full dress with makeup and shoes and I fully support that but the other night we had a few drinks and he admitted to me that he is attracted to some men and that he has given and received oral sex from multiple men in the past. He says he hasn't had intercourse with any men but the thing about my bf is he leaks a little truth at a time, so I think their may be more to the story and that he probably has had intercourse with men in the past. He insists he is not gay and is not bisexual and im just trying to understand him. My main reason for being upset is that I've asked him in the past if he has been with men and he has denied it but I guess with a few drinks in he got some liquid courage. I believe he is attracted to me but im not sure if it's for me or because I've been so supportive of his cross dressing and sexual needs. Anyone have any insight on this??

[Leann68]

I would think that how he treats you would be a good way to judge just where he is at. If he is attracted to you in the bedroom and takes care of you needs that says a lot about what he is thinking.

[bridget thronton]

I would say he is likely bisexual - unless the events occurred a long time ago and in his teens (I do not find any fault with folks who are gay or bi, but for now it seems I prefer women and monogamy)

[Penny M]

WOW! I could have written this post myself! I am in the exact same situation with my bf. Only he confessed to having sex with she-males (I hope that is the correct term, I certainly do not mean to offend). He claims that because they present themselves as women that he is not gay or bisexual. I am thinking that maybe he is bisexual. I am just confused. I will read your thread with great interest. I thought of posting my question about this myself, but had not mustered up the courage. Thank you.

Penny

[Beverley Sims]

It may be the drink talking too.
It is something you may have to evaluate.
I would question him when sober.
Noting wrong with men who cross-dress and lead a wild lifestyle, if that is your interest.

[5150 Girl]

Sounds like he bats for both teams, and doesn't want to admit it. Possibly due to a conservative upbringing?
Ya know, of he's trading oral...

[EllieOPKS]

For both of you ladies, first - your bfs are at minimum bi. Having sex with another guy, whether he is dressed as a girl or not is at minimum bi. There's nothing wrong with that. I wear womens clothes but I am not a cross dressers. Really? They should just accept who they are.
Final note to the girlfriends - protected sex with you should be an absolute must.

[mariehart]

Most likely he is bisexual. I am too although I think the label is not helpful. I prefer to say I'm sexual. Some people say bi-curious If he was gay he wouldn't be with you. The main thing is that he isn't having sex with anyone else except you right now? After all most of don't worry that our partners had previous straight relationships.

Obviously he is letting out a little bit of truth at a time. Let's face it he would have been worried how you'd react if he had announced that he was a crossdresser and had previously had sex with men.

Of course the real question in your mind is what's next? Will he eventually reveal he's transsexual and wants to transition. That's unlikely but you need to address that issue if only to eliminate it.

I suppose what you really need to decide exactly what you are prepared go along with. Essentially right now you know he's a crossdresser and in the past he has had sex with men and presumably other women too. You say you're comfortable with the crossdressing. So it's the sex thing that bothers you. But whether someone is gay, bisexual or straight once you are in a relationship then it's expected that there is no cheating. It's irrelevant whether he was with men or women in the past. It's what he's doing now that counts. The whole point of being bisexual is that a person is attracted to both men and women. It doesn't mean he's cheating now.

None of us here can really judge the strength of your relationship with him. That's for you and him. I do think you really need to talk without the aid of drink. If he's in love, attracted to you and monogamous then you have your answer. If not there's a problem.

He will tell you the full truth if he's comfortable that you won't react badly. But you have to let him know that. But you also have to be sure you're ready for the full truth.

But in reality you may already have the full story. He's a crossdresser who has had sex with other people in the past.

Good luck.

[Katey888]

First of all, 709love and Penny, welcome - we have an intro section you might want to check out and a second section for GGs (genetic girls) to introduce themselves.

In general, the CD environment is quite mixed in terms of sexuality - and it's important to distinguish sexuality and sexual attraction from gender... two quite different things, as I have learned.

If a male is attracted to, and willingly participates in, a sexual act with another male, as well as is known to have sex with females I'd have to say that is unequivocally bisexual behaviour.

If a male is attracted to, and willingly participates in, a sexual act with another male, who is presenting as female - that is more complicated. If it's just for sex, I'd say that's bi - behaviour - if there was some sort of relationship involved, where the presented gender has some relevance to the interaction (ie. the male presenting as female is doing so because they wholly or predominantly feel female) then it is possible that this can be a 'gender' hetero relationship.

But without wishing to be judgemental, these examples sound a bit like sex for the sake of sex or experimentation.

I'd counsel some serious straight talking is required with both your partners... and yes, do be careful in the meantime..

Katey x

[PaulaQ]

@PennyB - the term 'She-male' is a mortal insult to transgender women, [deleted racist examples. My sincerest apology to the forum for using language which offends people. I forget sometimes that as a non-person I have no such expectations - matters little how language affects me, my feelings aren't real.]

Your SO can be straight and attracted to transgender women. Some men are, and while not all of us trans women appreciate these men, some of us who are attracted to men do. Many such men have a hard time understanding their sexuality because most of the world, apparently including this forum this morning considers person with a penis = man, sex between that person and a man = gay sex, even if the first person with a penis is a transgender woman, such as myself.

As for 709love, you need to be patient and loving, and try to get your SO to talk honestly about his sexuality. (Both you and PennyB need to do this, and do it without judgment.) If your SO is bisexual, you have to understand that this can be an incredibly difficult thing for men to face. Bisexuals, especially bisexual men, are tolerated badly in both the straight and the gay communities. There is no reason a bisexual person - if that's the case here, and we don't know that yet- can't be a faithful and loving partner.

Really this applies to both men in mentioned in this thread, given what's been said so far. They are trying to level with you - but fear judgment.

In case you wonder why they fear this - both men mentioned face a lot of social stigma. Look how quick people here stick them with labels, and then understand that people on this forum, by and large, HATE labels applied to themselves.

[Jenniferathome]

He's lying. He's gay or bi. Your concern should be about infidelity and the lying. What else is he lying about? He may be attracted to you but will you allow him to have homosexual contact while being faithful to him? Infidelity is a deal breaker for me.

[ReineD]

Hi 709love and Penny M, welcome!

Let me offer a GG's way of looking at things.

I understand your confusion. But ultimately, it doesn't matter what labels your boyfriends are … gay, bi, hetero, or alternate hetero depending on how the genetic male they are attracted to is dressed or identifies. What matters is that your bfs have the potential to be attracted to persons who offer an appendage that you cannot compete against. And this can be cause for some anxiety.

It's true that most of us (unless we are into open relationships) expect monogamy. But even in traditional hetero committed relationships, there is always a risk, if even slight, for a straying eye - especially when the newness of a relationship wears off. What woman hasn't been to a party with her SO and checked out the competition? But, it's easy if we only need to compete against other women. After all, we have the same equipment and the same ability to enhance it if we want to. It's another matter if the object of attraction has something that we physically cannot have. Not that our SOs would necessarily go for it, but if they have sexual thoughts about other women we can bring our SOs home and make them forget that. lol. Not so if the thoughts go to sexual possibilities with people who have what we have not.

So yeah, I sympathize with your concerns. The potential to be sexually attracted to multiple sex/gender combos seems to be (according to many threads in this forum) rather prevalent among the CDing community. This is simply one aspect of baggage we do have with gender fluid SOs that we don't have with non-CDers. There can be a "is he or isn't he attracted to someone who has stuff I can't compete with" concern niggling at the back of our minds.

The best advice I have is to talk to your SOs if you are feeling at all insecure. Above all, also be secure in yourselves and in your abilities to attract your SOs. I have personally weighed all the above and have decided that the relationship with my SO is worth it. I guess every relationship has its own baggage.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi 709, It sure sounds like you have a Bi Guy.

[PaulaQ]

I've thought it over some more, and you know what? I've changed my mind. You ladies will never be judged harshly for dumping these losers. I mean - a man who'll have sex with another man? Such a person obviously has no self respect, and that includes even men who are she-males!

Sure, you could try to understand them, but you'll probably just get HIV for your efforts at tolerance.

Just save yourself some grief and bail. Believe me, no one will judge you for it!

Edit: bummer that neither guy mentioned is a good ol' red-blooded all-American STRAIGHT crossdresser! Because that's way more manageable!

[docrobbysherry]

I think you're playing with fire with this "guy", Love. He's obviously enjoying playing the field. And, with bi's the "field" includes nearly everybody!

Stay with him if u enjoy being with him. For as long as you're enjoying the relationship. But, I'd advise against accepting an engagement ring from him!

[Chari]

IMO the "bi-guys" are using the GG's as a stepping stone/back up plan in case all of their other sexual adventures come crashing down. Advise you get out of the relationship NOW before you have major social issues!

[sillycdlover]

Hi 709love and Penny M, welcome!

Let me offer a GG's way of looking at things.

I understand your confusion. But ultimately, it doesn't matter what labels your boyfriends are … gay, bi, hetero, or alternate hetero depending on how the genetic male they are attracted to is dressed or identifies. What matters is that your bfs have the potential to be attracted to persons who offer an appendage that you cannot compete against. And this can be cause for some anxiety.

It's true that most of us (unless we are into open relationships) expect monogamy. But even in traditional hetero committed relationships, there is always a risk, if even slight, for a straying eye - especially when the newness of a relationship wears off. What woman hasn't been to a party with her SO and checked out the competition? But, it's easy if we only need to compete against other women. After all, we have the same equipment and the same ability to enhance it if we want to. It's another matter if the object of attraction has something that we physically cannot have. Not that our SOs would necessarily go for it, but if they have sexual thoughts about other women we can bring our SOs home and make them forget that. lol. Not so if the thoughts go to sexual possibilities with people who have what we have not.

So yeah, I sympathize with your concerns. The potential to be sexually attracted to multiple sex/gender combos seems to be (according to many threads in this forum) rather prevalent among the CDing community. This is simply one aspect of baggage we do have with gender fluid SOs that we don't have with non-CDers. There can be a "is he or isn't he attracted to someone who has stuff I can't compete with" concern niggling at the back of our minds.

The best advice I have is to talk to your SOs if you are feeling at all insecure. Above all, also be secure in yourselves and in your abilities to attract your SOs. I have personally weighed all the above and have decided that the relationship with my SO is worth it. I guess every relationship has its own baggage.

Please listen to this wisdom. I can tell you from my own experience that being BI or even BI Curious, only opens up more avenues down which one may travel. Your SO may never stray from you, but if he does it may just as likely be with another woman. If you think he is craving some "manly" attention, get yourself a strapon and surprise him with it. You may be more surprised by how much you like giving, than by how much he likes receiving.

[Karren H]

"leaking the truth" is a polite way to say lying.... kick him to the curb and go find someone who will tell your the truth.....

[PaulaQ]

"leaking the truth" is a polite way to say lying.... kick him to the curb and go find someone who will tell your the truth.....

Such as the truthful, truthful denizens of this forum, all of whom came out early in the relationship, right ladies?

Of course the two guys in question ARE talking about their issues before marriage - the lying SOBs! How can you trust someone who tries to have a difficult and scary conversation before marriage ! You just can't, obviously!

[Tracii G]

I think I would exit the relationship.
He is not being truthful IMO.
The sex maybe great and you may love him but if there is no trust then the relationship will continue to suffer.

[PaulaQ]

OK, I'll try to give a less ironic and more helpful answer.

@709love and Penny M -

It is incredibly difficult for many men to honestly and openly discuss their sexual orientation if they are bisexual, or even straight, but attracted to transgender women. (Which I guess the latter is technically pansexual.)

Both of these things are pretty highly stigmatized in our society. You add in their cross dressing, and these men are probably very scared, and possibly quite confused over their sexuality. Encouraging them to be as open as they can be, and being non-judgmental can help them talk to you. Keep in mind, they probably don't entirely trust either of you - the world usually demonstrates from a young age that those of us who are different somehow better keep our mouths shut, and if we are able to hide our difference, we'd best do that.

I presume both of these guys are trying to bring this stuff up to you before you are too far along into the relationship? If so, then it seems to me that they are at least trying to be honest. Why the other forum dwellers here are so quick to throw them under the bus escapes me.

You do need to get the whole story from them - assuming there's more to tell. There may not be. (Nobody seems to consider that possibility though!)

Look, if your SO either experimenting with men or being bisexual is a deal killer for you, then I guess just end the relationship. Likewise, if attraction to a trans woman by your SO is just repugnant to you (I can understand why that would be so - women like me are absolutely repellent to many genetic women of all sexual orientations), perhaps you should end that relationship.

- OR -

You could try to foster communications between the two of you, and realize that no one is perfect, we can't choose our sexual orientations, and that these men may be capable of a loving and committed relationship, if you get to know them and give them a chance.

[Ezekiel]

Well in my opinion, he is bisexual. But that does not mean he is going to betray you with anyone else. The best you can do is talk with him seriously about the issue, tell him what is bothering you and that you are very interested to sort this out for the betterment of your relationship.

Like Paula said, this things are usually hard to speak about, you have the pressure of society and expectations to deal with, everywhere, and it pushes you into being secretive and scared. When you are different from the norm you are used to deal with rejection because of the very essence of these issues, which makes one getting used to keep this kind of stuff secret.

Edit: By the way, why is it always someone ends up mentioning AIDS when bisexuality (or anything related) is the subject?

[PaulaQ]

Edit: By the way, why is it always someone ends up mentioning AIDS when bisexuality (or anything related) is the subject?

Homophobia, which is pretty rampant on this forum. I actually explicitly mentioned it in an attempt at irony since a veiled reference or two had been made to it.

[Stephanie47]

There are at least two issues here. Without regard to sexual orientation I would recommend when starting a new relationship one should take precautions as to not contract any STD's.

Your personal satisfaction in the relationship should matter. If you want a one on one relationship, that should preclude any other relationship with another man or woman-period. It really does not matter if his past acts indicate bi sexuality, homosexuality, attraction to men when attired as a woman, whatever.

Your friend's attitude as to what constitutes sex seems to be on par with a former political figure. "I did not have sex with that woman!" What constitutes sex? Frankly, he has had sex with men.

[johnboy23]

Sounds like lie after lie. One or two lies, ok. Going on three I would leave. Lied about dressing and lied about men. There are only so many lies that you can put up with. If you want to work it out then let him know to tell you the truth of everything and if he lies again then your out.