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Thread: A question for those in relationships..

  1. #1
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    Question A question for those in relationships..

    Hey all! I've been doing a lot of mulling over what I've been reading and have come across something that makes me nervous about reaching out to my wife about my dressing.

    First off, everything I've read so far has been a great help, and I'd like emphasize that I understand the importance of not getting into a "competition" with my wife about dressing, should that become possible. I would never want to upset her or make her feel poorly about herself.

    My question really relates to that: How have those of you in relationships dealt with your SO's body image issues when sharing your dressing with them?

    My wife is beautiful. She has her own standards, however that she tries to live up to, and she's made great progress over the years to get into better shape. But she is still very self-conscious about it all, and I'm worried that if I share my dressing with her, she might get discouraged.

    Reading that makes me sound really narcisistic, and I don't mean it to be. It's just that I'm just a smaller person than her (in height and structure), and though I've gained and lost weight myself, some of the comments she makes to me sometimes (that I've mentioned in other threads) makes me feel good for myself, but also worried that if I share my dressing with her, she might close herself up to me.

    Anywho. Wordy, but I'm looking for any advice or experiences that you all might have!

    Thanks so much!

    -Sammie :3
    Last edited by sammiecd; 03-19-2014 at 04:41 PM. Reason: speeling

  2. #2
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    Sammie, excellent question & one that I look forward to reading , digesting & contemplating responses in re: my situation. Much peace to you, mel

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    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Good question. My wife is considerably smaller in height and weight, so she'll never see me as competition. Or so I thought.

    but like most women, she has been up and down in weight and had the body image concerns our society seems to inflict on all young women. The basic rule is, you look wonderful, honey. I wouldn't ever offer even well intended, but critical comments on her weight.

    In recent weeks we've had some very frank conversations about my dressing, and she mentioned that if I was dressed in a nicer outfit, she would deliberately dress down. I never noticed that was happening..but she made the remark that she didn't want to compete with me. So it has given me even more to think about. The last thing I want to do is negatively influence her self image.

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    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Sammie, My fiancee does not like the fact that my forms are bigger than her breasts. However, I'm 16 inches taller than her, so I naturally have a bigger frame. Intellectually she understands it, but not emotionally.

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    That's interesting Kim, I'll have to keep an eye out (if/when the time comes) to see how she reacts.

    Always: Wow! That's a big difference! My wife is only about 5" taller than me, but it's enough I have no idea how my wife would react to breast forms lol.. Though I'm sure once I showed her my picture the first thing out of her mouth would be "how do you have boobs??" lol. If she's that cool about it anyway. For the record, two of her old bras fit me nicely. (they were really old and in a cupboard with other clothes she never wears, so I figured I was safe )

  6. #6
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    Sammie, your not crazy for your thinking, my wife has known about my dressing for a long time, lately I've been doing it more getting better at makeup and it has really hit her that she thinks I look really good. So she has told me she doesn't like competing with the other women in my life. I don't feel this way but I understand her fear.

  7. #7
    Member AnnaBMarie's Avatar
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    Sammie,
    The competition you mention can take many forms, and it's not always about height/weight proportions. The clothes you choose can also contribute to conflict if she feels you are dressing with a higher sexual "temperature" than she is comfortable with.

    My SO was somewhat critical when I came out in skirts shorter than hers and in back-seam stockings. The very clothes that made me feel feminine were in "competition" with her usual dress. Larger breasts, redder lips, and higher heels all work to make some SO's feel like they aren't enough women for us.

    It is a very hard thing to work out, and I truly envy the contributors to this forum that have SO's that support them. You have my best wishes that it works out for both of you.

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    Aspiring Member Samantha_Smile's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alwayshave View Post
    Sammie, My fiancee does not like the fact that my forms are bigger than her breasts. However, I'm 16 inches taller than her, so I naturally have a bigger frame. Intellectually she understands it, but not emotionally.
    I could have wrote every line myself.
    Samantha -x-

  9. #9
    Arell Roberta Lynn's Avatar
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    Some clothes make look better on you. You may be dressed in what is considered more girlie. You may be dressed for the prom and she might of just come in from mucking out the barn. Just make sure she knows no matter how you’re dressed and no matter how she’s dressed you can never be more feminine than her, you can never be more of a woman than her.

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    Hi Sammie, Be careful of competition with your wife as it may not end well.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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    Quote Originally Posted by AnnaBMarie View Post
    Sammie,
    The competition you mention can take many forms, and it's not always about height/weight proportions. The clothes you choose can also contribute to conflict if she feels you are dressing with a higher sexual "temperature" than she is comfortable with.
    That is a very interesting point.. i never really thought of that!

    I'll have to keep that in mind as I ease her into it all. I'll make sure to start off as a "girl next door" rather than a "girl going out" kinda thing. Though I'd love it if we could both dress up for night and hit a club! But that's a good way down the line i think :3

  12. #12
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    My wife and I have been similar sizes for a long time. Its only recently that I have dropped way down in sizes. This has caused some minor jealousy issues.

    She doesn't like her body. Never has, I doubt she ever will. Just try to be encouraging whenever you get the chance!

    - MM
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  13. #13
    Crossdresser-At-Large BillieAnneJean's Avatar
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    Be subtle and ramp up the praise on her looks. Praise her accomplishments. Hold her more, have her sit on your lap. Ramp up the guy/gal thing like opening doors for her, carrying the groceries for her, taking out the trash. Ramp up being a guy for her. These are things you did when courting and that made her feel wanted. That might compensate for the change she might feel she perceives in you.

    Women are bombarded by advertising, media, and other women. They are all in a subtle to outright competition for what can be gained from appearance. It is no wonder that even fantastic specimens can have self doubts.

    I am amazed that women spend so much time focusing on their negatives while being jealous of what we crossdressers can accomplish by focusing on our positives.

    GGs, you NEVER have to be in competition with a CDer. You won that contest before the contest started! But that is a curse. The natural athlete who does no training will fail against the less gifted who puts a lot of effort in to maximizing his qualities. GGs who spend time focusing on their weak points lose valuable time taken away from focusing on their assets. It also sets a negative tone for them.

    MY SO, to me, is like every beautiful curve that any designer, artist, photographer, sculptor, or nature could ever come up with. She is a perfection that for me is like the pearl of great price. She is accomplished in more ways than anyone could imagine. She is probably one of just a few thousand women in the USA who can do what she can, is good at what she can do. Even though she is small in stature, she does things that are typically not considered for women. It wasn't easy, but she persisted. She is not boastful or competitive. She just likes to do some non girly things. Then she can switch over and be beautiful, girly, feminine, all dressed up and beautiful. How could a mere CDer compete with this? How could I, just a man, be worthy of this woman?

    I am always praising her accomplishments, helping her when requested to overcome anything she wants help with. Yes I praise her appearance too. Yet she had and has self worth questions that I must address for her. Her validation partly comes from me. How can someone so fabulous have any doubts? Need any validation from me? I would never want to be a woman. Being a guy is just too much fun. But if I had to be anyone else, I would choose her because she has the best of both worlds. And she has me. Oh shut up! I am just kidding. I know my limitations but being married to her helps me out!

    As a man my validation comes from my accomplishments, somewhat from my appearance. But when a man's appearance does not measure up to his desires, he can become more successful and women (and other men) will tend towards ignoring his appearance shortcomings and towards seeing his success. Women don't have this because they start out not successful, like all of us, and some find that appearance is a fast track. The cutest girl gets the quarterback kind of thing. They can set the unrealistic standard that is the curse for others. My daughter tried this, my grand daughter tries this. And maybe this carries over throughout life.

    As a CDer my validation comes from my appearance, and less from my accomplishments as a CDer. There is an easier path through if I put sufficient effort in to looking good enough to not scare away small children and dogs. I write for The Network News, Frock Magazine, founded a CDer Social Group, and am starting a CDer convention that will provide a lot of FUN for a smaller price (or free for those living nearby). But those are of little note. My appearance seems to define me. Probably no tie in with GGs but interesting. And I confess that any praise I get for my appearance gives me more pleasure than anything else CDing. So feel free to heap it on!

    So you are treading on thin ice here. What seems like solid and sure may be treacherous or down right dangerous other times. The only thing you can do is ramp up anything that makes her feel wanted by you, cherished by you. And keep talking, a LOT. Tell her to bring it up right away, as soon as it goes through her mind. You are going to hear some wild stuff. It may be all emotional with little focus on the total evidence or reality. It may be based soley on her fears. Make sure that you do not react in any way other than neutral. Calmly talk her through it. Keep the central focus that You want Her more than anything else. Make sure that she knows that she is WAY more important than CDing.

    Billie
    (For my SO: Honey, I love you more than the air I breathe! You are the only for me. I don't even need to define what the only is referring to. You are all of it. I revel in your femininity.)
    Last edited by BillieAnneJean; 03-20-2014 at 08:23 AM.

  14. #14
    Gamer Girl Julia Red's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alwayshave View Post
    Intellectually she understands it, but not emotionally.
    off-topic: that sentence pretty much sums up my wife's reaction about my crossdressing.


    at topic: sometimes my wife gets jealous when I buy clothes for Julia and not her, and complains that I am "giving more attention" to Julia instead of her because I have more photos of Julia.

    I try to remedy this situation by always complimenting her, and not just for the sake of doing it, but genuinely admiring her and boosting her confidence. In my case it's not a big deal, she's pretty confident herself, but the competition spirit is definitely there.

  15. #15
    Silver Member noeleena's Avatar
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    Hi,

    Many of us have body issues and to a male many they dont understand us or why, some of us have Emotional needs and our greatest in many respects is body image, and not looking as ( sexy ) as we were,

    its we are over weight or to thin we dont look pretty enough we have disfiggerment or scares from surgerys and some from giving birth, and of cause theres more,

    In a marrage or relastionship a dresser or trans person is all dressed up its another matter and we see another woman entering into our relastionship.

    Now if and yes we do have struggles as it is we have to cope with this yet another issue

    many of our women have had children and yes body image is a major concern and may take many months to have our bodys back in shape and we are tired looking after our kids so body image is gone we dont dress as before and so tired we are ready for bed === to sleep. and no more than that.
    all so it can become a compition as to who is the prettyist who looks more sexy and on it goes,

    So is it any wonder we get depressed give up and wont out or go have it off with some one else who will tell us we are loved we look lovely and .... get this bit..... we are wonted for who we are,

    You know those hugs and lovely words of i love you .......for the dresser its all about them. how pretty they look allways looking in the mirror and lots of photo's and putting on the walk and acting like a woman,

    Hmmm I wonder, I'v tryed to understand men, i'v tryed to find why they think and , ( ill use act in the meaning of ) doing what they do. as the saying goes men dont understand us well in many respects we dont understand men. well i sure dont,

    Going back to body image i know what thats like both from My Mother and Jos, plus i have my own issues, and simple way to explain that is , i dont like being around dresser's or trans people because they far surpass myself in how they dress and look , i get embarrised, because i dont measure up to how they look. fact is that goes back to age 10.

    I work with women with lots of issues i know how they feel i know what they go through and have gone through yes some with dresser husbands,

    one fear of mine has been still is, is facial features, you know, some would say and have told me oh I thought you were a woman, in the meaning of, i only see a woman , i am, its just the woman concerned accepted i am female and she had no doubt about that, she was and is right,

    yet i doubted because of how i look id be accepted as normal ,

    and i know other women have similar concerns yes like myself are women yet because of body issues we doubt our selfs,

    One other detail is some of us are prone to rejection of our selfs , so self esteem self worth and confidence in who we are all come into play , and how we react to this will depend on the woman concerned and think on this,

    when your standing on the rug and its pulled out from under you you go down and get hurt not just physicaly it becomes Mentaly and Emotionally and not just short term,

    So hopefully this will give an insight into how we think in some issues and how we see ourselfs,

    ...noeleena...

  16. #16
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Years ago we assisted in the destruction of our wives looks by pandering to their requests for babies and such like.
    They went off for about nine months and worked on that project while we remained supple, slim and fit.
    Now that they have a different shape we are ahead of them in the figure stakes.

    Always praise your wife and never let her become self conscious of the sacrifices she made for both of you all those years ago.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  17. #17
    Silver Member Jordan's Avatar
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    Like some here my forms are bigger than my wifes breast she complains but in the long run is fine with it I like you am also smaller than her but I have been dressing around her for so long I can't answer that sorry

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    Worlds Prettiest Dad!!! Jocelyn Quivers's Avatar
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    It's never made to be an issue, even though my wife and I wear most of the same sizes there are differences with tops where she is much smaller due to shoulders, muscle mass, arms, feet etc. Then there are areas where I'm smaller or very close to similar hips( my lack of), rear (again lack of), and waist. Basically my wife looks at the positives and "borrows" my clothes and adds them to her wardrobe how see's fit. She also has the advantage of being naturally beautiful because after all she is the real thing and does not need all of the additional help to make an illusion of being somewhat pretty that I do, wig, excessive make up, camera angles/cropping. So there never really is any competition with me even remotely being in the same league as her looks wise.
    [SIZE="3"]MUSCULAR GIRLS ARE PRETTY!!![/SIZE]

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  19. #19
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    The reality is that we have to work very hard to produce a body presentation that screams"female". Our one usual advantage is our legs. My wife is very clear that she is jealous of my legs. I make it clear that I am jealous of the rest of her body! Also, I make that clear in both genders. It's a mutual admiration society for us that works very well.

  20. #20
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    Sammie, you're a man and she's a woman. When you are dressed, she will not forget that. She will always have the shape of a woman, you will not. It's not a comparison to be made.

  21. #21
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    @sammiecd

    Um, some of the men posting in this thread a pretty clueless.

    There are several things that can go wrong between you and your wife when you share your CDing with her:
    1. When seeing you present as a woman, she can nearly completely lose her image of you as a man. This happened with my wife.

    2. Hell yes, if you are in better shape than her in some way that she is particularly self-conscious about, you bet your ass it can bother her. Will it bother all women? No. But many women have body image issues - this is understandable as corporate America spends billions to create advertising that attempts to induce this.

    3. Your taste in clothing - if you dress in a really sexy way, she may find this intimidating. My wife saw me going out once in an LBD. It freaked her out - what was I going to be doing leaving the house like that? (Answer was - playing hacked wii games, actually.) Or she may find that your ideas of sexiness are in fact really sexist and sort of offensive.

    4. Seeing you as a woman may make her ask uncomfortable (for her) questions about her own gender and sexuality. These can be really uncomfortable to face. (Just look at what happens on this forum when someone mentions bisexuality!)

    There are a number of things that can really trigger discomfort in a spouse, what is troublesome will vary from person to person, and some ladies are just ready for the full deal, no issues at all:
    - breasts
    - makeup
    - wigs
    - being fully dressed for going out
    Lingerie alone tends to be less threatening, although as I said, each person has their own triggers.

    Bottom line - communicate with her, go slowly (she'll never unsee something you show her, so starting slowly seems like it would rarely be a bad idea), and be sensitive to her own body image issues.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beverley Sims View Post
    Years ago we assisted in the destruction of our wives looks by pandering to their requests for babies and such like.
    They went off for about nine months and worked on that project while we remained supple, slim and fit.
    Now that they have a different shape we are ahead of them in the figure stakes.

    Always praise your wife and never let her become self conscious of the sacrifices she made for both of you all those years ago.
    This is great advice, but we are no where near close to having kids Dated for 7 years, married for nearly 4, and we've got no desire for kids, lol. Maybe in the future. Every now and again, she'll have a moment of weakness but then she'll recant, lol!

    Billie: That is an amazing response and attitude to have. I hope I can be that supportive to my wife, because as much as I like to dress, I would throw it all away if it meant losing her, or making our relationship falter. Thank you for your advice!

    Jennifer: I think you're right. I just hope I wouldn't become a source of anxiety or self-doubt. She's an amazing lady, she just had a rough growing up that didn't encourage self-esteem. Thanks for your insight!

  23. #23
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Hi Sammie,

    Contrary to what many of the members believe, we generally do not see ourselves "in competition" against CDers in the same way that some of us do compete against other women, whether we are single or married and some GG has her eye on our husband (or our husband has his eye on some GG). Not to be cruel, but your wife does know that she is a woman and you are a man. Fundamentally, women feel threatened by other women if and only if they are competing for men. So unless you and your wife are after the same man, these concerns simply would not exist no matter how you look.

    There are however, two types of threats. One, if you should show a marked preference for styles/looks/types that your wife is not, she might then feel as if you are interested in a different type of woman than she is and this is when she might feel as if she is not enough for you. For example, if she is a conservatively dressed, girl-next-door type brunette, and you choose to look like a platinum blonde bombshell. And two, she would also feel that she is not enough for you if you dress in a way to attract men. She cannot compete with another man for your attention, if this is what interests you if even only in fantasy. In both of these examples, your wife would feel threatened because she would perceive that you are attracted to other people than her and not because she might perceive that you are more attractive than her. The difference is subtle, but it is paramount.

    The clothes do say something as well, as another member pointed out. Remember that hetero women are not attracted to women who dress in a sexy manner. So your wife would get the impression that you do not dress to please her and would rather please men if you do choose to dress in a way that women do dress to attract men, i.e, short skirts, tight clothes, seamed stockings, stilettos, revealing necklines, etc.

    Last, if your wife is heavier than you and she has issues with her weight (although many women enjoy their curves), then this would exist whether you crossdress or not. A good fix for this would be for your wife to have a full day spa somewhere with a fabulous makeover and fantastic new clothes, followed by a photo shoot with a photographer who would know how to capture her full, sexy femininity. Trust me, after seeing those pics she would feel much better about herself, even if no one else ever saw the pictures.
    Reine

  24. #24
    Aspiring Member Michelle V's Avatar
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    I believe as CDs we have much more to prove, we are attempting to be something we are not, girls. We work harder at it than GGs therefore when we get good feedback it not only inflates our egos it triggers a certain psychological acceptance and we can the deal with life, those of us with supportive wives and girlfriends have to also be understanding of their needs. Not only do they have to deal with a different version of the common men but also compete with their female counterparts which makes it twice the work. So just make sure your male side dedicates enough time to her and your female side supports her in every way. Believe me you are not alone. Good luck.

  25. #25
    Member kelly0's Avatar
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    this is an interesting thread. one that probably will eventually apply to me as me and my wife are pretty early on in the 'post her knowing about my CDing phase' (its only been 6 months)

    i have never even thought about this. my wife is much smaller than me. she is 5'3, while i'm 6'2 (i know, i know, not a great height for heels which i love).

    she has still never seen me dressed. we are not there yet. but i think the comments i've read about making sure to compliment your wife often on a nice outfit, etc is important. am sure that will help against this topic if it is at all an issue

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