Like so many others, I discovered my femme self relatively late in life. And like so many others, I've had those mirror moments when I think, oh if only I had started this when I was young, when I could have been so much prettier, when I might have had a chance at love. Ring a bell?
I left the conservative constraints of home as soon as I could and spent my 20s in the far more liberal environment of the Texas hill country. Those were freewheeling times of discovery, antiestablishment, hippies, feminists, make love not war and I relished it all. Had I gotten wind of crossdressing back then, had there been an internet or established support for lgbt, I strongly suspect that I would have given it a shot. In fact I'm nearly certain I would have.
I was a nice looking guy then, but in between the ideals -- not the hunky macho, but not quite the frail beauty either. I was slender, had small feet and thick hair, but when I look at old pics I can tell that my in-between face would have kept me from being truly pretty the way some of these amazingly beautiful young tgs are these days. But I could have been attractive, certainly more so than now.
How far would I have taken it? I honestly don't know. While I might have started out in secretive exploration, knowing my nature and the affinity I would later discover, it's easy to see me being sorely tempted to run with it, taking hormones, wanting implants, hair removal, etc. Somehow I doubt it though. I think I would have more likely straddled the fence just as I do now, exploring yes, totally committing no. It might have depended on finding a circle of accepting friends and whether I could have found a viable life for myself -- in other words, a long shot.
What kind of life would I have had if I had committed? Even today, young tgs struggle to find love, a life. So many have paid dearly for their choice. So many wind up in the sex trade. So many miss out on so many things. Would the net result have been as fulfilling as my daydreams? Somehow I doubt it. Among the costs I would have to count the relationships I've had, the wonderful kids I have who mean everything to me, the option of balancing an admittedly limited self-realization with the more conventional comforts and joys of life. That's the thing about all-the-way, so many options are limited in a repressive climate.
Today's tgs, on the other hand, do have internet and support groups and greater cultural exposure, even a little more tolerance, and yet I know they struggle and sacrifice. It will still be a generation or two before cultural acceptance happens -- if then. I often wonder if we are doing them a favor with our admiration and empathy and encouragement to explore and persist. I worry about what it will cost them, what they will miss out on. Then again, I wonder about what they will get to experience that I have not.
So, am I sad or glad, hmmm. Both, I think. I do wish I had discovered this at a young age and gotten to have that more care-free experience of youth, that vivaciousness, that fun. I'm a little sad that I didn't. At the same time, I'm glad the shortsightedness of youth didn't set me on a path of great cost and, perhaps, great regret. I'm glad to have experienced what I have, and loved the ones I love. I'm glad I did finally discover Sherri before it was too late, that I didn't miss out on it entirely.
Besides, deep inside me, where the me with no name lives, there's a cute young gurl in cut-offs and sandals and a ponytail "dancing with the boys, breakin' their hearts like they were toys".
:-)
