I came across this site the other day (http://www.sexchangeregret.com) and have to say the stories leave me feeling somewhat uncomfortable. Up until recently I figured post-op regret was fairly low however this site states otherwise.
Do you have any experience with trans women regretting their decisions?
Um, it looks like that guy is looking for book sales.
That's not to say that some do regret transition but you're also never going to see post-op success stories there either so it's quite one-sided.
Things like that are the reason standards of care exist and mental health checks are required.
Even for me to get HRT my letter had to state something to the effect that I don't demonstrate [list of things] that would impair me from making this decision.
Last edited by whowhatwhen; 03-30-2014 at 02:21 PM.
Totally Agree with you on that one. Site is not well put together, some of the links are not connected either.
Most of my friends are in some way connected to LGBT and it has been this way since my early teens so in the real world I have known a number of people who have transitioned to one degree or another both in the U.S and Europe.
I personally have never known someone who is post-op and experienced remorse or regret but I have read about some de-transitioning or who committed suicide during or shortly afterward.
In my opinion you transition to ease the psychological suffering brought on by identity conflict between body and mind and in my case it was both a suffering with sexual and gender identity.
I do think you have to be careful with what problems and suffering you think will end with transitioning.
Suffering is part of life and is the impetus to make change but the impetus should not be the expectation that suffering and pain will end.
In my opinion you transition to change the flavor of suffering to make possible the ability to survive it, much like how you learn to swim so you do not drown but you must still swim in the waters so make the effort to stay afloat.
You step into a life that better suits who and what you are but transitioning will not "fix the past" as childhood trauma.
It is important to transition for the future from what the past has taught you but not because of the past.
You cannot CURE sexual identity as sexual attraction and you cannot CURE gender identity as who you know yourself to be but be sure you know yourself before you transition.
Transitioning must never happen out of self deception but be grounded in the reality of how you experience yourself.
It must be a truth based relationship you have with yourself with no room for fantasy or delusion or you will destroy yourself.
You may find this link interesting to read. http://www.temple.edu/tempress/chapt...0/1520_ch1.pdf
Last edited by KellyJameson; 03-30-2014 at 02:45 PM.
I believe it. I've met some really screwed up trannies in the last few years and I spend a lot of time thinking about why that is. Is it society? Passing issues? A misdiagnosed fetish? Delusion? Fantasy breakdown?
Who knows, but it's a fascinating issue for sure.
I know lots of post-op trans people and none have detransitioned. I'm sure it exists, but... I have seen a few pre-ops detransition. Some in the media, and some I know. I am a firm believer in the traditional gatekeeping model, and its purpose of maximizing chances of success and minimizing chances of regret. Even then, some people may lie to themselves and to the therapist enough to get through.
People who detransition, ironically, are often the ones most opposed to strict protocols. One acquaintance once told me that HRT had to be now or never. That means that her transsexuality was not essential, but a temporary state? He gave up on the idea, and that's a good thing.
As for this particular site. It's interesting, but it seems self-interested. I don't see a lot testimonials apart than one man's sad story. Also, some regret stories in the past have been projections. Renee Richards even wrote a second autobiography to squelch rumors about her.
To anyone who may be swayed by this stuff, I say "dude, don't transition."
Hon, that guy's website is pretty one sided.
I believe most of the reason for unhappiness and desire to detransition after GCS come mostly from the often terrible conditions so many of us endure. There is real social prejudice against us.
I do think the emphasis on GCS rather than FFS may be poorly serving many in our community. GCS is important - many of us face really serious and debilitating GD over our genitals. I certainly have. However, in terms of finding acceptance in society, a real issue for most of us, FFS is vastly more effective. For that matter, hair replacement or voice coaching can be equally as important. All of these procedures can reduce serious GD we feel over our masculine features.
Spending your life as an "other" in society is a nightmare, and it's no surprise so many of us end our lives, do that without addressing your GD as fully as possible, and it stands to reason someone would give up and suicide.
All of the transwomen I have ever met ended up much happier. Perhaps happy for the first time ever. In every facet of life there is going to be failures, that's why there are gatekeepers. Dwelling on what may happen could cause some poor woman to NOT get the help she desperately needs. Now THAT is a failure.
It's a bit like saying you shouldn't get fit, you may get hit by a car while running.
Good advice so far.o My contribution, beyond an echo, is that some may be looking for answers so desperately that they glom onto any answer that might theoretically resolve their pain....and some of them make mistakes. If you have doubts...don't. If you think transition will be a panacea, think again. But always be suspicious of advice offered by ideologues or religious fanatics. Truth to them is whatever conforms to their point of view.
Last edited by kimdl93; 03-30-2014 at 03:44 PM. Reason: I actually can spell, my iPad cannot
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
Eleanor Roosevelt
I am also very much for a very stringent and traditional gatekeeping model. The psychological/psychiatric community since the 1970 has taken this as a whole new (money making) industry and the result has been that people are counseled through to transition when in fact the deal about counseling is an assessment to determine co-morbidity issues. It isin fact more of an assessment than therapy.
If you consider prevalence rates which used to be 1:30,000 and since the advent of trans related therapy has become something like 1:1,500 then the guy's 1500 regretters is not so much. This is bullshit, because he is like a reformed smoker who tolls the virtues of non smoking and condemns the sin of smoking.
The issue with this website is that it lacks any critical reflection on how the regretters ended up having surgery when they should not have had in the first place. I have come across this guy for some time now. You should not transition unless you absolutely have to! Don't think that a supportive therapist is going to help you, they should critically assess you and if they don't then they are not good for you!
"Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)
And if I can offer two cents more of advice: there are intermediate options to full transition. One of the leading advocates for TG rights here in Houston is a woman who has not undergone HRT or SRS. One might characterize her as something other than TS, that's fine. She lives full time as a woman. It meets her needs and she helps others. So, my take away from meeting her was that I need to go at my own pace and towards my own destination. I may be somewhere in between...if so so be it.
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.
Eleanor Roosevelt
When I finally realized that I have to transition to make the "inside and outside match" I also had to take responsibility for me. I can't transition because of someone else, nor can I not transition because of someone else. My transition will affect those I love and care about, but I must transition for me and me alone. They will be affected by my decision, but it will change my life forever.
My psyche and physical body have never matched. And that has profoundly affected me. They are coming closer and closer. I had one of those "clarifying moments" yesterday. I had to take my pre teen daughter to a function that required me to present totally male. So I was bra-less. I was concerned that someone would see my breasts and notice that I need a bra. I felt 'naked' and 'exposed'. I am a woman, and physical transitioning will finally make me complete.
My only regret is that I have procrastinated so long in making myself complete!
The author of the site reveals his bias in his introduction to an article about a 17/18 year old for whom RLE proved that they did not need to transition:EDIT: If we accept the generally low figure that 3% of the population is transsexual, then the numbers that the author quotes to try to say that regret is commonplace represent 7 out of every ten thousand TS people.it's refreshing to read that it is not "happily ever after."
Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-30-2014 at 02:49 PM.
Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.
This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any
Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist
Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity
I have to call BS on this assumption. That would mean 9 MILLION transexuals in the USA alone. Not a chance. I don't think there are even 9 million cross dressers in the USA. You can't use crazy-ass stats to make a point, it defeats your purpose.Originally Posted by Rianna Humble
"The National Center for Transgender Equality in Washington, D.C., estimates the number of transgendered residents as being between .0025 percent and 1 percent of the general population. An estimated 500 to 1,000 people undergo a sex change operation every year, with male-to-female surgery more common than female-to-male." Additionally, in Trinadad, Co., the "sex change capital of the world,"... "Dr. Bowers, a gynecologist who herself underwent gender reassignment surgery in 1998, took over Biber's practice and the town's reputation stuck. On average, she performs 130 surgeries a year. There are perhaps as many as 25 physicians who have conducted a sex change operation, but five or fewer do it with any regularity." Based on this, the .0025% is closer to reality than 1%.
Last edited by Jenniferathome; 03-30-2014 at 05:20 PM.
It's more like 0.3%, and that may be high. There are ~700,000 of us in the US, 3,000 in the DFW area where I live, at best estimates.
I heard a speech from Theresa Sparks last night, who was one of the people who came up with and popularized the 2.5% - 3% figure. It isn't accurate. (Her assumption was the ratio was like 1:40 are TS, where the reality is much more like 1:3000 - 1:15000 for MtF, and 1:10000 - 1:45000 for FtM.) Even within the city of San Francisco, the figure of 1:40 is way too high.
We were asked recently by a City Council member for a better approximation of the local T population and couldn't provide it...
It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !
Really, if you look at the surgery figures (and they exist not in many places but in some they do because they are tracked based on surgery coverage, as in it's free) the number is more like 1:32000. So if you accept that transsexuals are those who have their sex changed (as the word says) then you have a pretty clear idea how many there really are.
Gender variance (those that some form of gender issue) is much more prevalent, and approaches something of a 1:500 number.
Last edited by Kathryn Martin; 03-30-2014 at 05:29 PM.
"Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)
It seems to me people are being very harsh on those who 'fail' and decide to de-transition. If they truly believe they need to transition and then later realise it was a mistake then that is not failure. It is them finding the best way to live their lives. People de-transition for all sorts of reasons. I wonder how many people commenting on this thread have either only recently gone full time or have not even started. Perhaps you should wait until you have experienced it more fully, or actually started, before you condemn others.
I have been post-op for a three years, and transitioned socially a long time ago. There is nothing wrong with stopping transition, but I have an issue with people who lie all the way to SRS and then make it their business to "warn" people. I may or may not be qualified, but I condemn those people, whatever that means.
You would be right, I was tired & unwell and misremembered my figures. In short, I got it wrong.
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This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any
Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist
Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity
So is it news to anybody that sometimes people regret big decisions?
You may regret your decision to transition. You may regret your transition.
It's really that simple. That's why its so important to understand yourself and that's why its so important to be smart and have a plan..
also,
Charles Kane, fetishists, liars... they get counted as TS regret when in fact they are nothing like a TS person...
I've often wondered, it seems to me personally that in many of the transition horror stories the transitioner was how do I put this politely, rather shallow. Also as has been already intimated many seem to be well outside what I understand the WPATH guidelines to be?? e.g. very young, have untreated psychological issues separate from GID, bypass RLE's. Essentially many seem to think life as their target gender will be all roses and chocolates and when it isn't the proverbial seems to hit the fan.
I'm not saying that for you ladies who NEED to transition that life must be or should be rowing a barbed wire canoe up shit creek, generally I think it is just life, it's just that now you can live with yourself.
Last edited by Rianna Humble; 03-31-2014 at 02:34 PM. Reason: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=main_rules#faq_content
When a plane crashes, we hear about it all over the news. We never hear about the thousands of planes that make it safely to their destination. Plane crashes are rare, but they cause a lot of attention.
The same thing goes for transition regrets. It's rare, and when they do happen we hear about them like we do with a plane crash.
Sometimes you get people like Charles Kane who had no lifelong history of dysphoria. He was happy as a man, and successful as a man, and when he suffered a setback he thought the grass is greener on the other side, and decided to transition on a whim and quickly realized he was wrong. Why? Charles Kane was NEVER a transsexual to begin with. He thought he failed as a man and that that being a woman would solve his problems.
I used to have fears like this too, but after joining this forum and going to my transgender support group, and speaking to a therapist, I feel like most people who transition are really TS and do so succesfully.
This is why I feel it's important to see a trained gender specialist who can help you sort out your feelings. They have lots of experience with transpeople and can spot the differences between someone who is TS vs someone who is a cross-dresser, transvestic fetishist, gay man, or who thinks the grass is greener on the other side.
What is scary is that both MTF transsexuals and non-transsexuals may experience some or all of these feelings:
* Being a cross-dresser
* Being a transvestic fetishist
* Being a gay man
* Hating being a man, thinking the grass is greener
* Having a difficult time being a man, being a failure at a man
* Being excellent at being a man
My therapist has been very helpful in getting me to figure out what is going on with me. I used to ask am I just a cross-dresser or a transvestic fetishist or a transsexual. It became clear to me after a few months on this forum that I am more than just a CD or a TF. I am not a gay man, so that's not an issue for me.
My last question has been am i really trans or do I just hate being a man? After four sessions with my therapist I am seeing that there are fundamental differences between me and someone who just hates being a man. Yes there are plenty of TS who hate being a man and plenty of cis-gendered men who hate being a man.
My therapist made clear that me these feelings are all dysphoria.
* having childhood feelings that I am a girl
* voicing that to my parents at the age of 5,
* wishing I could grow up to be a woman in third grade
* cross-dressing from age 13 onward
* every time I see a pretty girl I want to be her rather than sleep with her (age 12 onward)
* hating my body and facial hair (age 13 onward)
* identifying with female characters in fiction (age 13 onward)
* feeling like I am a girl on the inside (age 13 onward)
People who simply hate being men or feel like they have failed at men do not experience these feelings.
I've finally mastered the art of making salads. My favorite is a delicious Mediterranean salad.
I searched the person behind the Regret Website and this is what I found. http://www.transchristians.org/people/walt-heyer I don't know if this is true but it explains a lot. I think before you put to much into what this person thinks I would read what this site says.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin.
Live, Laugh, and Love Yourself!
There were a couple of threads here about this website. I believe that someone descredited a few of the examples provided. I can't seem to find the threads.
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