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Thread: Sex Change Regret website

  1. #151
    Silver Member Kathryn Martin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kerrianna View Post
    I think it's patronizing and unnecessary to discourage people.
    People come on here and process, prod, explore, try to find answers and probe their feelings. When they put it out there they are thinking about this or that, someone else telling them what to do isn't necessarily going to be helpful. So then what is your motivation?
    Discouraging people from turning a fantasy into a distopian reality is anything but patronizing and in fact quite necessary. That is what all the gate keeping is about. Encouraging people to "explore" gender with a view to transition when in fact they have never until their 40s or 50s had a thought that they could be anything other than a man is downright cruel. Transitioning driven by fantasy is a real problem. But I don't think you would disagree......
    "Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)

  2. #152
    Silver Member kerrianna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kathryn Martin View Post
    Discouraging people from turning a fantasy into a distopian reality is anything but patronizing and in fact quite necessary. That is what all the gate keeping is about. Encouraging people to "explore" gender with a view to transition when in fact they have never until their 40s or 50s had a thought that they could be anything other than a man is downright cruel. Transitioning driven by fantasy is a real problem. But I don't think you would disagree......
    Well Kathryn, I've only met one person IRL who I ever thought that maybe they slipped through the cracks so to speak. When I left that day, the day after you did (you know who I am referring to) I noticed she was different though. She seemed to have turned a corner and I felt maybe I had misjudged her.

    I guess that's what I am trying to say. Judging from within the confines of a forum like this is not necessarily going to be accurate. We only know people from what they tell us. For any of us to think we know better about someone is rather ego-centric IMO.

    I keep hearing the argument from some people that allowing people to transition before they are ready or when it is not suitable for them will damage the medical, legal, etc gains we have made and possibly threaten future avenues for people who really need the help. That's why there is concern in the community about "regret" - that every person who ****s it up will be used against the rest of us. But I think that's a worry that has long been passed by the real medical and therapeutic community, and by many segments of society.

    Yeah, I cringe when someone comes out as trans and is obviously in the wrong place for them and I think about how it gives others the wrong idea about my own reality. I fight that all the time. But the thing is... DEPSITE those people who may be an awkward face of being trans (I'm being kind here lol) I think we have made a lot of headway into understanding and gaining better access, as much work as still needs to be done.

    We can only offer our own experience and advice with the understanding that we are not the actual caregivers of the people who are questioning online here.

    I should add that my own experience doesn't inform an aspect I haven't considered much. I've had most of my medical transition paid for by insurers and thus have had to go through a system that would catch out most people (one hopes) who are on the wrong track. If you have the money to harm yourself by thinking that life might be more fun as a woman when it's not a path for you, you may not have those people watching out for you. Instead they take the money and leave you with the results for better or worse.

    I know that some of the "gatekeeping" is actually political. It's to protect the system for the people who really NEED it. The truth is there may be people, even here on this forum (esp here lol) who could transition and be happy in their new life and not have really had the same kind of need. I'm not entirely convinced that it's need or lack of need (whatever scale is used to measure that) that contributes to regret or not. I suspect regret may come more from a greater sense or lack of sense of self.

    I'm not sure if I am explaining this well. It's like, maybe I need to go to the gym to strengthen my leg which is missing half the calf muscle now. I NEED to do that to carry on with my work. Another person could go to the gym because they WANT to get their leg strong because they believe it will help them be happy. At the end of the day, other issues in my life may sabatoge my ability to heal my leg and I may end up being miserable - maybe I hurt my other leg and am miserable. While the person who didn't have as much to lose is still happy. To the outside world it's the other person who would appear as being successful and happy for going to the gym, while I would be the failure.

    Not sure if that was a good or apt analogy. I'm just kind of thinking aloud here.

    I know fantasy has to crash with reality at some point, but I'm not sure if it's always our job to make those decisions for others. I think there is a graceful and more subtle way of helping people make informed and sensible decisions and I do think most people here are good at that, most of the time.
    "I dwell in possibility."

    "Say what you want and be who you are, because those who matter don't mind, and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

    "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."
    George Bernard Shaw

  3. #153
    Valley Girl Michelle789's Avatar
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    Kerrianna, thank you for your clarity on this issue, and on the fantasy vs reality issue. I like to believe the way to deal with whether or not to transition, and life in general, is to think realistically, or cautiously optimistic. Engaging in a fantasy most certainly can lead to disappointment, but so can focusing too much on harsh reality. Focusing too much on the negatives only causes you and everyone else around you to feel like crap. Let's try to think positive, uplifting thoughts, like gratitude and joy. I know this may sound hard with something that drives many of us to suicide (gender dysphoria), and the most difficult undertaking anyone can possibly do (transition), but we can still try to keep a positive attitude.

    Here's an example. I live in California, which is earthquake country. From time to time we get moderate earthquakes which do no real damage, just scare us for a few moments while the ground shakes under us. And maybe once or twice in a lifetime, we get a really destructive quake. It's also very expensive to live out here. California has lots of benefits too. We have great weather. We're one of the most trans friendly states. There's lots of tech jobs out here. We have amazing AA out here. We have lots of culture, plenty to do for fun, and great beaches and scenery and mountains.

    Now if you're living on the east coast or the midwest and are considering taking a job in California.

    -The "doom and gloom" people will tell you "don't take the job, because you'll blow all your money on rent and end up dying in an earthquake."

    -The fantasy people will tell you "c'mon girl, take the job, you'll spend all your time partying on the beach."

    -The realistic or cautiously optimistic people will tell you to weigh the pros and cons and decide if it's really worth taking the job out here. You'll have your ups and downs. Be prepared for an earthquake, be aware that earthquakes do happen, but don't dwell on it and try to enjoy life one day at a time. You'll need to be prepared to spend a lot on rent but you can still find good deals, and there is plenty to do out here for fun as well, not to mention we have good trans protection laws out here too.

    Paula, you are absolutely right about your alcoholism analogy. Telling a MTF transsexual to "man up" is like telling an alcoholic to "drink up". If an alcoholic drinks up, you'll be sure to die an alcoholic death. If an MTF transsexual mans up, you will surely die a miserable death too. Both untreated alcoholics and transsexuals do commit suicide.

    If we're not willing to let people who come on this forum and question their gender, and explore it and try living it part time, how in the hell can we ever figure out who our authentic self it. Even though most of us knew something at a young age about our gender, we repressed it due to societal pressure and spent decades confused about what gender we really are. It is really damaging to tell someone who really needs to transition to not consider it, or to not explore it.

    Debbie, you're right about the religious doctrine being a factor in transition failures. Some of us have been so brainwashed by fundamentalist religion that it can be hard to see the light sometimes.

    One last thing, thank you Kerrianna again, because the OP didn't want any advice. All she asked for was opinions on the sex change regret site, to analyze it critically and see if it's legit or just some propaganda by some religious nuts with an agenda.
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 04-09-2014 at 12:35 PM. Reason: Ad hominem attacks removed, also it is not your job to moderate what people can say
    I've finally mastered the art of making salads. My favorite is a delicious Mediterranean salad.

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