Sex Change Regret website

[celeste26]

There are so many alternative stopping points in this gender journey. Reassignment Surgery is not the be all and end all for everyone. But within this community it stands as some sort of standard by which we are all measured.

As others have pointed out, get a life outside of the TS bubble. Live it however you choose and if that means SRS then so be it. But dont substitute surgery for having that life. Which for me at least means taking my time and integrating all aspects of my life rather than just dwelling solely on the GD.

[princessheather86]

Would you say that going out dressed, even if it's only sometimes, is a must before considering something like HRT? I've never dressed properly, (closest I've done is gender neutral clothes like skinny jeans and sneakers) because I don't really have the opportunity in my living situation. Honestly, I don't care about the clothes, though. I don't want to wear skirts and heels all the time, I'd gladly wear baggy jeans and tshirts every day if it meant looking in the mirror and seeing a girl instead of a boy and having others see me that way as well. I also don't think transition will magically solve all my problems and make my life wonderful.

I really don't want to fake myself into thinking I'm trans, but I feel like transition is my only option because I have no future as a boy, but I think I could have one as a girl.

[LeaP]

One may take up any number of issues with the so-called gatekeeping system or SOCs - and is is not my intent here to trigger a discussion specifically along those lines - but I will say is this: The more people seek alternative paths, that the "system" is weakened, that providers stop supporting it, that coordinated care is not provided, or that people circumvent standards, the higher the regrets rate is going to go. As small as it is today, it is already used as a PR wedge to try to deny care. If it grows, there will likely be a broader backlash.

I acknowledge that one source of pressure to weaken standards is issues with care availability, especially the multi-disciplinary care envisioned in the various standards, although it may be more accurate to say that non-specialist, provider ignorance plays a big role. In a backlash that resulted in reduced care, however, the population that would be most affected would be transsexuals, not the genderqueers, CDs, and others who seem to constitute the majority of current regretters. I would expect transsexual regret to go up as well as more and more moved to hormones and surgeries before they were ready, though, which would further fuel the anti-transsexual activists.

[Dianne S]

Would you say that going out dressed, even if it's only sometimes, is a must before considering something like HRT?

I think so. You don't have to wear a skirt, but I think it's important to try to present as female. You need to at least get a taste of how people will react to you as a female to know if that's how you want to live.

I am at the very beginning of what I hope to be a transition. No HRT yet; only laser hair removal so far. But I've been making a conscious effort to go out to restaurants and coffee shops dressed as a woman, and I'll be going to my next therapist's session as a female. I need to get used to it and see how I really feel.

[princessheather86]

I'm not sure if online interactions count, but I recently "came out" on a message board at which I am a regular, and everyone was very supportive. And I must say that being treated like a girl is the most wonderful feeling I have ever felt. But, I'm not sure if it counts since it's only online.

[LeaP]

I'm sure my perspective is influenced by my age, but I think online interactions matter very little.

Face to face is both real and real-time. No misrepresentation, exaggeration, or think it through in advance. Interactive, with someone a couple of feet from your face, listening to tone, observing body language, making judgements, you reacting real-time. People holding doors, interacting with you VERY differently, looking or staring, and either engaging you more or less than you are accustomed. It's a fundamental experience of a type that online interactions cannot duplicate.

[Krististeph]

Poor transition preparation or 'cheating' around medical guidelines would probably have a higher incidence of surgical regret, the lesson here is do not short circuit the system- you should meet the criteria prior to getting an operation and have a significant amount of counseling. The surgery is merely a later step in the whole process- it cannot stand on its own.

I have chosen not to transition for various reasons- and it took years to get to the point where I understood why I felt this way and what was most comfortable and least disruptive for me. The process was more important than the result.

Also, that process has a lot to do with NON-TG aspects as well- non-tg related mental wellness, happiness, satisfaction, dependance, etc.- stuff that would not change with or without surgery, or even without any manifestation of TG or CD noumena.

It is like taking an anti-depressant- it clears the symptoms, but the actual cause is likely not to change without some direct intervention.

-kristi

[Dianne S]

I'm not sure if online interactions count

I would not count them. The first time I went out in public to a non-TG space (a restaurant), I felt apprehension and nervousness way beyond anything in an online forum. I had to take an elevator 10 floors down in close proximity to three strangers. You just don't get that kind of situation online.

[bas1985]

This is my "hot spot", a Real life test, at least partial, before hormones...

When I started therapy in August 2013, the therapist told me that the gatekeeping was only for my own benefit, she did not mentioned RLE, but for me it was "sure" that I could spend the time between then and the decision to start HRT doing some REAL interactions in real life, here, in the city, going to the market, trying to make a life, I went also to the church.

And for me it is important to not cheat, I am not a big fan of heels or mini skirt or something too much "girly", but a casual skirt, knee length, 1-2 inches heel shoes... just to see the outcome.

To see the reactions. Is this the life I want to live?

Hormones may change some, but at 41 not too much. I will not ever afford FFS, and even if I could, I would save the money for the children.

The answer has been a big YES. People treat me with respect. They may "sir" me sometimes, but in any case I have seen quite "non issue".

I have problems with my ex, that's sure, but the world has said to me: "go on. For us <all clear>."

[Rianna Humble]

Would you say that going out dressed, even if it's only sometimes, is a must before considering something like HRT? I've never dressed properly, (closest I've done is gender neutral clothes like skinny jeans and sneakers) because I don't really have the opportunity in my living situation.

My personal belief is that if you are not ready to interact with people as a woman, then you are not ready to begin such a drastic step as HRT. I could be wrong, and I am sure that someone will come up with an exception to prove that the member they refer to as the Big Bad Mod doesn't know everything (which I freely admit anyway). For me, it was important to have that time when I was out there living it before I started the treatment that would rewire my body to the realities of my brain.

Heather, I think you should be working with a therapist or a counsellor to ensure you are asking yourself the right questions before you decide on a course of treatment.

It is not a case of wearing skirts and heels all the time, you do however, want to be going out there as a woman. If you are constrained by your living conditions, is that an indication of your priorities?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lea thank you!!!

Sometimes in life people have conflicting interests. That's just the way it is.. survival of the fittest
... competition is real...we can't pretend it away like it's first grade and nobody wins or loses the game..

Transsexuals that are hell bent on transition and want really good therapy, srs surgery, ffs surgery, and HRT, and they want a well schooled medical community backing them and hopefully allowing transition to be a medically insured event in every way are basically at odds with everybody in the world..

and that includes the ts regretters, the ts pretenders, the ts apologists, the ts religious objectors, the tg umbrella folks, and those that support them... all of these folks make it harder for me to get medically necessary procedures

[Foxglove]

I got interested in this question of SRS regret and got on the net to see what kind of hard information I could find, what actual studies have been done. I found very little. It seems to me it's hard to discuss this question for lack of real information. But in case anybody's curious, here's the core of what I found:

http://www.annelawrence.com/2001hbigda2.html
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21364939
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12856892
http://aebrain.blogspot.ie/2009/05/srs-results.html

[dreamer_2.0]

My personal belief is that if you are not ready to interact with people as a woman, then you are not ready to begin such a drastic step as HRT. I could be wrong, and I am sure that someone will come up with an exception to prove that the member they refer to as the Big Bad Mod doesn't know everything (which I freely admit anyway). For me, it was important to have that time when I was out there living it before I started the treatment that would rewire my body to the realities of my brain.

This wasn't directed at me specifically but I'd like to comment nonetheless and, naturally, look for feedback.

I see value in learning how to interact with people as a woman prior to any alterations, such as HRT, though I struggle in this area. Self-acceptance is an enormous hurdle I'm finding, dressing or behaving in a feminine fashion triggers more GD because I'm essentially pretending to be something Ive grown to believe I'm not, a woman.

Personally, I'm hoping to begin HRT and THEN work on presenting and interacting as a woman. It may be I'm putting the cart before the horse but, to me, it seems like it would be easier to learn it all while my body is actually changing. My brain would hopefully recognize that I really am becoming the woman I should've been born as rather than just dressing the part and pretending.

Not sure if that makes sense to anyone else but it does to me. I don't want to be a man-in-dress so hopefully HRT will help me feel better about myself before putting on that dress.

[Frances]

Personally, I'm hoping to begin HRT and THEN work on presenting and interacting as a woman. It may be I'm putting the cart before the horse but, to me, it seems like it would be easier to learn it all while my body is actually changing. My brain would hopefully recognize that I really am becoming the woman I should've been born as rather than just dressing the part and pretending.

A lot of regreters have spoken those very words, some on this site. This sets off so many red flags, especially the brain following the body part.

[Kathryn Martin]

In a backlash that resulted in reduced care, however, the population that would be most affected would be transsexuals, not the genderqueers, CDs, and others who seem to constitute the majority of current regretters. I would expect transsexual regret to go up as well as more and more moved to hormones and surgeries before they were ready, though, which would further fuel the anti-transsexual activists.

I concur with Kaitelyn. Thank you! This is never properly discussed. This is at the heart of me drawing the distinctions I have here and everywhere else.

This sets off so many red flags, especially the brain following the body part.

Oh my god does it ever.

[dreamer_2.0]

Brain following the body, sure, but keep in mind when the brain is so highly critical of what it sees in the mirror is it not logical to try and appease the brain by feminizing the body? Is that not part of what transition is?

Oddly hearing this sets off red flags is kind of comforting as I've yet to encounter any resistance to my transitioning from my gender therapist, friends or my sister. No one has really challenged my thoughts and future decisions, aside from myself that is. Red flags are bad of course but I don't want to find myself among the regretters.

[Frances]

It's just that HRT does not bring about huge physical changes. Also, the protocols are about verifying feelings through real world interactions. You don't have to go full-time before HRT, but you need to spend a fair amount of time in the role, especially interacting with strangers. A lot people are attracted to the idea of being a woman, but find themselves quite uncomfortable by the reality of it.

That said, I don't know much about you or your transition. I was just judging your statement, which is all I have to go on.

[dreamer_2.0]

I'm not the greatest writer so perhaps my statement wasn't as clear as it could have been.

HRT indeed doesn't (always) bring about major physical changes but it does change some things. They may be subtle but I'm hoping they'll be enough so the brain and body will start working together allowing me to feel more comfortable with myself rather than feeling like a drag queen or CD'er.

[Frances]

Then allow me this question. What it does not and you feel exactly the same, regardless of any subtle or not so subtle changes? Would you still go on, or would look back at the process with regret? That's the crux of it. They may or may not be different feelings. People may or may not always perceive you as CD'er or drag queen as you put it. If you are trans, you learn to live with it and go on. If you are not trans, you may regret having gone through the process to end up feeling the same and being clocked all the time.

[princessheather86]

Clearly I need to find a way to overcome my circumstances and go out dressed, then, before I do anything drastic like start HRT. I do feel the need to not waste any more time, though, I'm already 27.

[Kate T]

It's curious that the the study by Anne lawrence referenced by foxglove (the first Anne Lawrence link is merely a subset of the the Archives of sexual behaviour paper that she published though it does carry some curious indications with regards to RLE) reports a 100% success in measured outcomes for sexual reassignment surgery. As a scientist I must admit to being mildly surprised at this remarkably high level of success in over 200 patients. The swedish study is curious on a couple of levels. Firstly is the remarkably high number of FTM individuals (191 MTF, 133FTM!) which seems rather high based on participation on these forums. Maybe FTM's just don't do internet forums as much or perhaps associate with a different GLBT subculture? The notable element in the swedish study is the VERY high increase in suicide rates for transexual individuals versus population age match controls (around 25 fold increase). The authors argue that this exhibits the need for additional psychiatric and counselling support FOLLOWING SRS as well as before. It would be fascinating to match this suicide rate against an age matched cohort of all TS, not just those who underwent surgery, however I am not quite sure how this could be done. (I suspect that the study group would have a LOWER incidence of suicide when matched against all TS given that they have managed to achieve their target gender). It is worthwhile emphasising that the study DOES NOT in any way imply that this increased rate of death by suicide is due to some form of TS regret and it seems likely that the extreme financial and relationship pressures of SRS are major contributors.
Still, it would seem that overall the medical community gets it roughly right most of the time in that a majority of SRS outcomes are invariably positive. It is a shame that the negative outcomes and fools get so much publicity.

[Kathryn Martin]

Dreamer what I don't understand is this: why do you think you are a girl? This is so unclear to me. When you say that you hope the changes hormones will bring will bring your brain along so that you feel more comfortable going out as a girl. what makes you go out dressed as a girl in the first place? If your brain does not tell you that you are a girl what makes you go out as one? I am totally confused. And all my flags are up and all the bells are ringing.

[Michelle.M]

. . . I feel like transition is my only option because I have no future as a boy, but I think I could have one as a girl.

I sincerely hope that you are seeing a therapist with experience in this area. Having “no future as a boy” is probably not a good reason to transition, and a therapist will help you get a better handle on your own identity.

I'm not sure if online interactions count

No, not at all. You need actual, in-person interactions. You wouldn’t be the first person who rethought his or her goals after having been laughed at in a restaurant or pulled out of the ladies’ restroom by a security cop. By the same token, you might actually feel more natural in real life interactions. Being online won’t tell you that

. . . I recently "came out" on a message board at which I am a regular, and everyone was very supportive.

EVERYONE is supportive online. That’s what Melissa was saying earlier. In real life - maybe, maybe not.

[whowhatwhen]

Maybe I'm missing something but the only advice I've really seen given here is basically "see a therapist and don't lie to them".
Where are the "you go grill!/everyones a tranny" posts people are referring to?

[dreamer_2.0]

Then allow me this question. What it does not and you feel exactly the same, regardless of any subtle or not so subtle changes? Would you still go on, or would look back at the process with regret? That's the crux of it. They may or may not be different feelings. People may or may not always perceive you as CD'er or drag queen as you put it. If you are trans, you learn to live with it and go on. If you are not trans, you may regret having gone through the process to end up feeling the same and being clocked all the time.

Thats a good question. With current knowledge of myself and internal feelings, I believe I would still go on.

Getting dressed and interacting before HRT or just after starting seems to be an invitation for getting clocked, to me that is. Being clocked is probably inevitable for all of us at some point, but I'd prefer it to happen further down the road when I *know* transition is the right path. Ideally once knowing then any comments, especially negative ones, would be easier to deal with. Also, being clocked would hopefully be less of an issue when the body is in a more androgynous state making it easier to present as a woman rather than a CDer.

Also, only a small group of people in my life know I'm TG. I'm not ready to go out and interact with the world, asking and expecting them to treat me was a woman before fully deciding if transition is the right course of action. It's similar to my coming out to my dad last week. He now knows that I don't want to be male and wish I had been born female. But what if I don't transition? He now knows something I'd much rather he didn't know. The world doesn't need to know I want to be a woman just yet. This also just feels safer...

Further, it would be a matter of personal validation. Because I'm struggling so much with self-acceptance and still don't believe transition is possible for me, dressing in this state of mind unleashes negative self-criticisms such as: you are not a girl! Look at you, you're a man in a dress, you'll never be a girl! Being on HRT will hopefully help combat these harsh thoughts by showing: I can be a girl! I'm becoming the girl I should have been born as.

Will I regret transitioning should I do it? Possibly. But this is why I'm trying to approach it with baby steps (the order of which seems to differ amongst us) while going through the necessary "gatekeepers" to mitigate the chance of regret.