Coming out at work- step 2

[Cheyenne Skye]

So I finally got a call back from HR regarding my coming out at work. The woman I spoke to told me the next step was to talk to my general manager and have him contact his regional HR representative. Since I was getting antsy about waiting for the call back, I asked my manger yesterday to meet me at a local cafe on Wednesday. He has to be at work in the morning but he told me he will call me when he is ready to leave and then we will meet. At work I wear a uniform and this will be a strictly social environment. So I need a little advice. When I go to meet him, how should I present myself? I'm at a point where I always need to wear a bra and the girls seem rather noticeable (at least to me). Besides that, I only have a few articles of menswear left, mostly sweats and old unisex t-shirts I got from running 5-ks. I'm afraid to go as my self because it may be too much of a shock. At the same time, I don't think I can really hide myself anymore (hence the coming out at work).

Then of course is the actual conversation. I'm not sure how to start. I suppose I should tell him about my impending name change first. (I expect the judge's decree by mid-May.) Is there anything I should do or say to prove to him I'm serious? I was thinking of bringing a copy of my therapist's letter consenting to HRT. The HR person said that after I talk to him, he will contact corporate to find out how to inform the rest of the staff and implement whatever procedures they have for a person transitioning on the job. Any specific topics I should bring up (i.e. restroom usage etc.)?

Thanks for your help.

[PretzelGirl]

Cheyenne, I am just catching up after being gone a week and I am curious how it went. I don't see any follow-up posts, so I am hoping you had a good meeting and all is going well.

[Teresa]

Hi Cheyenne,
As a hetro Cder this situation is never going to happen so I tried to put myself in the HR reps shoes. So seeing you in smart, subdued clothes,slacks wearing a bra but maybe a jacket to tone the bust down and just light makeup, should work without being in your face. I think I would take all the relevant paperwork and offer to show any if requested to prove the transition is genuine, I don't know what your work situation is so it's difficult to say what special arrangements need to be implemented, if you are entitled to any maybe try and get it in writing, you need to safe guard your job.Is there a chance you are entitled to an employees representative to put your case ?
I hope this has helped in some way maybe others who have been through this will be more helpful.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Keep it simple..

Absolutely do NOT surprise him. Absolutely do NOT present as female...Absolutely do NOT bring up issues or problems.
If you ask for things "in writing" you will just start a confrontation.
You want him to leave feeling as comfortable as possible... if there are problems they will come in the future..do not raise issues, do not talk about bathrooms, do not highlight problems..

The way to handle this is simple and professional... you want him to be impressed with your confidence and strength... thank him for coming...tell him you've contacted HR about something (nothing about him!!!!!!!)
and they suggested you talk to him first. He and HR are the only ones in this loop.

and just tell him you are transsexual, explain briefly what that is...no long saga but impress on him the seriousness of your situation.
You are not a crossdresser, you have been thinking about this for a very long time, but this is a fundamental life change for you that will improve your quality of life...

Tell him that your number one priority to do a great job, that this will not impact your work and that HR wants to work with us to communicate with your group/workplace, and pick a date when you will begin presenting as "yourself".
Then let him to do the rest... hopefully he will be friendly and ask friendly questions. Do not make any demands, your only purpose is to let him know what's going on and for now ask him to contact HR and let him know you will be doing the same

Unless he is stupid, he will be friendly and talk to HR immediately... if he is stupid, then after the meeting write down everything he said.

Remember you want him to leave this meeting feeling impressed about YOU even if it upsets him or concerns him.

[Jorja]

Exactly what Kaitlyn said. She hit this one on the head.

[DebbieL]

In my case, I talked to my manager first. I sent him an e-mail, explaining that I have been transsexual my whole life and have started the transition process. I had been living as female 120 hours/week and told him so. I let him know that I wanted to begin working full time as female, and wanted him to know so that we could plan the transition. He referred me to the correct person in HR who deals with these types of issues, and suggested that I put a new picture up and update my CV so that I could be proposed to future clients as female. I was a bit surprised when I got a CC telling me that Rexy would be a really good candidate, she has lots of experience and she will do a good job. The client did want a face-to-face interview, and realized that I would blend in quite easily. The first engagement was very successful and now I am living full time. I'm in the process of legally changing my name, and will coordinate all of the subsequent changes (e-mail, accounts, cards, ...) when that comes through.

As for meeting your boss. Dress professionally. Wear slacks (womens is OK), wear a shirt with a bra underneath. If you have grown your hair out, brush it out, but don't wear a wig.

Generally, you to give him the key information first, that you are transsexual, that you are transitioning, and that you would like to work out a plan for working as a woman at work.

Then, let him ask questions, answer them as honestly as you can. At some point, he may ask how far along you are. This is when you can pull your blousy shirt tight and show that you have come far enough that waiting another year or two will not be an option. Ideally, it shouldn't be obvious that you have breasts until you decide to show that you have a figure.

Shoes. Consider wearing a woman's loafer or similarly discreet shoe. Something that you coworkers won't notice much, but once he sees you walking away, will occur as feminine.

Simply put, when you walk toward him, he needs to see what he is familiar with, comfortable with. When you walk away, he needs to see you as a woman who can be an asset to his company.

Most important, be ready for almost anything. He may want you to start working as a woman the very next day. On the other hand, he may need time to plan a transition program for you. This may include a temporary or permanent change in location, perhaps working with a different team, or planning a meeting with your current team to announce you almost as if you were a new team member.

Once you start working as female, your management will want to monitor the situation, to see how you interact with your coworkers, to make sure that they are not making problems for you, to make sure that you are not getting stressed out reacting to them. It's quite likely that when they see you focused and happy, perhaps happier than you've been in a long time, everyone will just start thinking that you never were anyone but Cheyenne.