"Sir," How much longer do I have to tolerate this term being used/applied towards me?

[FurPus63]

Two years on hormones. Two years this May living my life 24/7 as a woman. Two years, dressing, applying make-up (every morning) waxing and shaping my eyebrows, growing my hair, learning how to style it and doing the best I can, practicing walking, talking, sitting, standing, holding my hands, etc.., etc... etc... The cost, the money invested, the time, energy, psychological and emotional pain and suffering, gender therapy, the whole nine yards! All of that. All this I go through and have experienced over the last two years, the time, the energy. All of it!

Yet despite it all. Today, while sitting quietly waiting my turn at the pharmacist, not having uttered a single sylable (so it couldn't have been my voice tone) the girl at the counter says, "how can I help you, SIR!!!!!" That aweful word that makes me feel like I've just been shot with a gun or stabbed with a knife. That three lettered pronoun that insults me worse than if they had said, "f... you!"

I have a Masters Degree in Psychology, work as a gender therapist (I am not advertising here just stating a fact) and am as professional as they come. Yet I walked out of that place (having received my perscription for t-blockers) got into my car and blew up! I screamed, cried, yelled out at the Universe, "how much longer and how much more do I have to do before this stops?! What else do I have to do?!" I sat there filled with tears and emotionally distraught. It took several minutes for me to get myself together.

It's been a long time since I released that much negative energy. I guess the frustration and stressors of the last few days had their tole on me and I just gave in to the tears and emotions. I had to or I would have gone nuts!

Does this three letter pronoun cause an emotional reaction within you? Does anyone else or has anyone else had this kind of experience?

It's embarassing to write about and admit to you all; and yet I feel I have to. This is where I go to "vent." This is what I need to do for me. Hope you, my friends and aquaintances here on this forum don't mind. I sometimes need to explode and get things off my chest.

Transition is hard! Being Transsexual sucks sometimes! Gender Dysphoria bites the big one!!! That's reality. It's what we have to live with every day and sometimes there's nothing else that can be done except cry!

Paulette

[whowhatwhen]

Did she emphasize the "sir"?
I wonder if it's just a case of a prick being a prick.

[PaulaQ]

I just say "it's ma'am if you don't mind" in the same tone of voice I'd use to tell someone "you are an idiot!"

I try to think about what got me clocked - understanding some of it is hard to fix.

It does suck though Paulette, I know it does.

[Christen]

Rude, Narrow minded, Bigoted people are just that. Hold your head up and let Karma get her in the end.

Christen x

[Michelle.M]

"Sir," How much longer do I have to tolerate this term being used/applied towards me?

Depends. How long does it take for you to say “Please go and bring your supervisor here.” and then instruct him or her as to how this particular employee should treat a customer who does not seem at all to look like a “sir”?

Rude, Narrow minded, Bigoted people are just that. Hold your head up and let Karma get her in the end.

Christen x

Nope. Society is made better one corrective action at a time. Bigotry aside, this is also a customer service issue, and when common sense and the desire to make a fair and just society does not win out then dollars will.

[Wildaboutheels]

Possibly forever? I don't mean to sound cruel or blunt but as a shrink/therapist you should know that there is no cure for ignorant and or clueless or cruel people. IF you don't want the same thing to happen to someone else, I would make an effort to visit with that same pharmacist for drug related advice [and possibly record the conversation] if you decide to turn them in to management.

You never said how your interaction went once you stepped to the window? Were they civil and/or professional then?

Sorry this happened to you and no, I feel fortunate in that I don't have to deal with folks like I am sure you do.

I hope you don't let this "fool" make you feel bad for too long.

[sandra-leigh]

A month or two ago I asked to speak to the head pharmacist (who is also the store owner) and whined about the staff calling me Sir / Mr. Well him more than the others. He's a gentle fellow and I know he didn't mean any offense: he just never thought about the idea that someone who presents female might prefer to be referred to as female. It hasn't been long enough yet for me to say "it hasn't happened since", but it is meaningful to me that I did something about the situation. They know now. Perhaps I will need to remind them again a couple of times, but if it is going to take (say) 4 repetitions at least I have the first out of the way instead of getting internally upset about when they are going to Notice and Draw The Right Conclusion.

I go to three different branches of my bank semi-regularly; one close to home, one downtown, and one near my gender therapist. At the later I usually end up getting the same teller. Today, as is not uncommon for her, after verifying my ID (regular procedure) she asked about what transactions I would like to do, using my male name (which would have been on her screen.) I told her that I go by Sandra now. Yup, I know that it isn't in the banking records at all; I don't know if the bank can even add a "preferred name" to my account -- but I took the first step. Perhaps after the second or third time it will stick that I'm not wanting my male name used. It might take time, but it has begun.

[Dawn cd]

Just trying to understand. Is the word SIR in capitals her emphasis or yours? Was it an innocent mistake or deliberate cruelty?

[JohnH]

I guess we are all different. I don't take offence for being sir'ed. But then women in Texas get sir'ed all the time, even from a genetic woman. What amazes me is I can be dressed completely drab - an olive drab T shirt with a pocket with jeans and suede shoes that almost look like hiking boots and I still get ma'amed. Of course, when I open my mouth and talk in my voice which is a cross between Johnny Cash and Joe Friday of Dragnet I no longer get ma'amed. But I don't really care.

I wrote the text in the caption last night, and after some reflection, later thought the post might upset the feelings of others. Recently I have steered clear of touching on emotional topics and concentrating only on body effects of HRT and related topics. However due to a lapse of judgement last night I wavered from my policy.

If I have upset or offended anyone I apologize.

Johanna

[bas1985]

The world outside is a mirror of our self-perception.

In these first months of transition I have seen that 100% of the times if I get "sir'ed" there is a reason INSIDE me.
In the sense, maybe I am too much with the mind in the clouds, day dreaming, forgetting to smile, going out
dressed en femme but not totally convinced with my look (maybe the hair, maybe the make up).

In your particular case, nevertheless, I would do

1) never return in that shop

2) return in that shop but accepting her view. If she sees a man it is my "problem", not hers.

[I Am Paula]

Wow!! I've been sir'ed ONCE, and I was mortified. Luckily the woman in line behind me called him an a$$hole before I said anything. If I was in a store, I would ask for the manager asap.
A while back, in line in the ladies room at a gay bar, a girl looked at me and said there's probably a free urinal next door. She was best ignored, but the bigotry can even come from within the LBGT community.

[Kathryn Martin]

Does this three letter pronoun cause an emotional reaction within you?

The emotional investment that you have made into this incident is not worth a thing. I know this sounds harsh, but I have learned from hard experience. To me it never happens in this kind of a context. But let me say, that occasionally most notably in the court room colleagues refer to me as Mr. ***** or he. They would never address me this way in letters or in a conversation. They always correct themselves. They are always apologetic. And invariably the judges on the record after the hearing or trial will apologize to me for the inappropriateness. It happens rarely and quite frankly I don't give a shit anymore. But I always correct them no matter what the setting, and in this I agree with Michelle.

[Cheyenne Skye]

So do you still correct people when you overhear a conversation about you between two other people? For instance, I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work today. I was standing in the aisle deciding which type of bread I wanted to get. A woman with her daughter (about 12-13) walked by and the woman said to her daughter, "Be careful, you are in the lady's way." To which I heard the girl say back to her mother in a hushed tone, "Mom, that's a guy". Should I have interrupted and corrected the girl? I don't think so. In this case it might seriously upset the mom. But what if a similar conversation happened next to you between two adults? Then what?

[Rachel Smith]

I would like to think you did the right thing Cheyenne and would be willing to bet there was a conversation about this on the ride home between Mother and daughter.

Now as for me and the "sir" thing.

I live in Virginia and have even heard when cis-women get "sir'd". Now that is not to say it doesn't annoy the shit out of me when it happens to me. Usually when it happens to me it is someone that knew the male me. Because of this I can somewhat forgive them. What I can't do is bring myself to say something.

At my pharmacy, CVS btw, after I told them the name I was going to be using after I transitioned, which I did the first time I picked up my HRT patch and pills, they always addressed me as Rachel and my record in their puter was under both names. To them I was Randy where my insurance was involved but Rachel on my scripts when I picked them up.

[Krisi]

I think you should let it go. If he wanted you to train his employees, he would have contacted you by now.

The lady appologized, that is what is important. I don't think she was trying to disrespect you, my guess is she had been busy with other customers, gave you a quick glance (see my other post), and used the wrong word.

It's a shame the English language doen't have something other than Sir or Ma'am (or Miss) for occasions where it's not obvious.

[Launa]

"how can I help you, SIR!!!!!"

Transition is hard! Being Transsexual sucks sometimes!

Paulette

I don't know what to say..... I was all out shopping with a bunch of CD girls a couple months ago and a store clerk kept referring to us as "you guys" and I didn't like it.

If I were in your shoes my first response is, "yes you can help me you son of a bitch and what rock did you just crawl out from under?" In saying all of that it might not be the right thing to do. Simply walking up and saying that I am not a SIR anymore would be more appropriate.

Yes, being TS sucks, I can't imagine.

[PretzelGirl]

I like to default to assuming the situation is an error and escalate it from there. I once was buying a dress when I had a full beard and the cashier called me ma'am. I just grinned at the lady behind me and she busted out laughing. So being in a rush and not paying attention is the first level. The second level is those that have no experience with us. I certainly look to educate these people as education does help make it better for the next person and we may just gain a supporter. Then there are those being ignorant and they deserve the flamethrower turned up on high. Maybe I am blessed, but I haven't had to turn mine on yet. Don't get me wrong, all of these people are wrong. But the appropriate response is different in each case to me.

[Rachel Smith]

I don't know what to say..... I was all out shopping with a bunch of CD girls a couple months ago and a store clerk kept referring to us as "you guys" and I didn't like it. .

Launa, being that I am originally from the northeast US, Pennsylvania to be exact, I have often heard cis-women refer to each other as "you guys". Just as when you are in the company of another couple you would say "would you guys like to go to dinner tonight"? That saying doesn't bother me one iota perhaps because I grew up around it. I am only bothered by it when it is me alone and I get "sir'd or dude that gets under my skin and sticks in my craw for a while.

[Chloe Renee]

Paulette, it happens sometimes. It happens to my wife a couple times a year. It happens to me if people give me a glance or hear my voice. When it does happen I simply say "pardon me" and they correct themselves, unless they were acting out of malice. But 9/10 people make an innocent (thought stupid) mistake.
I know back in college, working as a cashier I would misgender a customer by accident about once every two weeks. "SIR" would fall out of my mouth because 90% of the patrons were male.

When a ciswoman is called sir, it tends to be a momentary inconvenience. Where as a transwoman feels their legitimacy as a woman is being severely questioned. What's the difference? The ciswoman knows where she stands and has never questioned her gender, where we have toiled over our gender and will always hold a little insecurity in how the worlds sees us. In turn the ciswoman does not grant the word "sir" any power lets it go in a matter of minutes. While a transwoman may empower the word as a weapon of hate or spite that smashes the fragile female shell they developed. But if you don't give it the power, it rolls off like water off a ducks back.
Transpeople as a group are too sensitive, and too quick to anger myself included.

As a midwesterner, "you guys" is the same thing as "you folks" unless it is delivered with Malice, in which case the person is being a prick.

Being trans is what you make of it. Mine has not been easy, nor a tonne of fun. But all that B******T along the way made me who I am and makes me more mindful in how I go forward with my life.

you know how to reach me, FBook is the best way, as my phone has been on the fritz.

[FurPus63]

"Transpeople as a group are too sensitive, and too quick to anger myself included." Chloe, I don't like when you say this. All of my life I was given a hard time because people said I was too sensitive for a guy, now I am living my life as a woman and have to be told the same thing!? Sorry, but I have the right to feel anyway I need to feel and I can't stand it when people say, "oh you're just too sensitive." Besides, we t-girls have a lot to be sensitive about. We are going through way more emotional upheavel than any cisgender woman can possibly imagine. Being transsexual and suffering with gender dysphoria; causes us to suffer emotionally throughout life, so a lot of us if not all of us tend to be sensitive. I don't think this is a bad thing. I think it's perfectly fine.

Paulette

[Eryn]

Remember Hanlon's Razor:

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

Yes, you can get angry at the woman or beat yourself up over it, but the fact is that it was a simple mistake. I've made the same mistake, misgendering another poster in this thread. The moment the word slipped from my lips I wished I could retrieve it and I still feel bad about the incident because I know that I caused her pain. She understands the nature of simple mistakes and has forgiven me.

Have you considered turning this into a learning experience for the clerk in question? Rather than blowing up at her or her supervisor, perhaps you could have said pleasantly "Excuse me, but when dealing with trangendered persons please understand that we prefer to be addressed as the gender we are presenting." That way, the next time you saw her she would have either learned from the experience and addressed you correctly or you would have much better cause for taking the issue to her supervisor.

We are all ambassadors. If we blow up at people who are inexperienced at dealing with TG individuals and who make simple mistakes we will deserve the reputation of being hostile and self-centered. This does not foster an attitude of acceptance. If we hold our tongues and put a bit of effort into educating the ignorant we will improve the situation for everyone.

Eryn

[Chloe Renee]

This post is written in response to OP'S post to me OP's writings are Navy blue.

"Transpeople as a group are too sensitive, and too quick to anger myself included." Chloe, I don't like when you say this.
You don't have to like it, it is my opinion from interactions I have had within our local commuity over the last 5 years.
All of my life I was given a hard time because people said I was too sensitive for a guy, now I am living my life as a woman and have to be told the same thing!?
This may seem odd but this is my experience also. And yes, I am saying the same thing to you now, just like my cis girlfriends did to me. My first therapist said the same thing to me " these things will happen, some by accident some to be mean. If you don't fluff it off and move on then you are empowering them. you are allowing them to make you feel bad."
Sorry, but I have the right to feel anyway I need to feel and I can't stand it when people say, "oh you're just too sensitive."
You do have the right to feel that way, and you are 100% entitled to feel that way. I acknowledge your opinion. I see us as being "overly sensitive" where the slightest touch crumples us like tissue in the wind.

Besides, we t-girls have a lot to be sensitive about. We are going through way more emotional upheavel than any cisgender woman can possibly imagine. Being transsexual and suffering with gender dysphoria; causes us to suffer emotionally throughout life, so a lot of us if not all of us tend to be sensitive. I don't think this is a bad thing. I think it's perfectly fine.
Starting at the top, I can't stand the term tgirl, due to the use of it in the porn industry.
Being trans to be blunt is not a good time. However, I can't agree with your statement that we have more upheaval than "any" ciswoman, I will agree that we have more than "most" ciswomen. I know we don't all suffer the same, does my lack of severe dysphoria make me less trans than someone that can't look at their genitalia? Surely, it does not. I will say that there is generational forces at work here also. Which lays out a good chunk of our differences of opinion. As the the age of "coming out" keeps getting lower, so does the amount of emotional torment lessen.
This is because the "socialization" aspect of womanhood is developed earlier, allowing the person more peers of their identified gender. It is harder for us to build that peer group out of thin air the older we are.
And my last point, that I will extract from your quote ", so a lot of us if not all of us tend to be sensitive." And make it this:, so a lot of us if not all of us that we see, tend to be sensitive. Because the ones that are not overly sensitive are living in the world and no longer going to groups or visiting message boards. If we strictly pull the sample from those people than the first statement holds water. But if you include the outliers and about half of people of those living as stealth holes start to rapidly form.

[kittypw GG]

say, ". We are going through way more emotional upheavel than any cisgender woman can possibly imagine.
Paulette

Talk about being offended? This quite frankly offended me. What do you know about the suffering of a cisgender women? This comment ranks right up there with all the comments from cross dressers about being more feminine than women. You are a counselor by your own admission. Have a little tolerance and quit taking yourself so seriously. You are only hurting yourself. I think Eryn had a great suggestion. It is true that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Think about it.

[DebbieL]

The one that really ticks me off is being called "It". That robs me of my humanity as if I wasn't even a human being.

I almost never get called "sir" anymore, and on the rare occasions when it happens, it's usually because the person thinks they are being clever.

When they call me sir, I just don't respond at all. When they call me ma'am or miss, I smile and say "thank you".

I've been dealing with jerks who called me "miss" or "maam" or far worse - when I was presenting as male.

At this point, life is too short to make an issue of people who don't have good manners.
On the other hand, I can celebrate and acknowledge those who do have good manners with a smile and a thank you in my sweetest voice.

On one occasion, a cashier called me sir, and I gave her a deadpan look and took my card and my bag. As I was walking away, I heard her getting a reprimand from her supervisor, telling her that if she was rude like that again, she could go back to stocking shelves.