Has this ever happened to others who go out dressed regularly?

[Marcelle]

Hi all . . . promise not a rant or a musing of my mind. Just a simple experience and wondering if it is just me or if others have felt same thing.

My experience . . . Yesterday was an Isha day as I wanted to buy a jean skirt for the summer (if it ever gets here that is ). I have been going out dressed since September last year and have progressed from ninja femme drives, drive-thru service, quick walks around a parking lot, walking in the store and leaving to my current state of just being out whenever and wherever. So yesterday was no different from any other Isha day.

My modus operandi these days is to place myself in the most awkward, up close and personal venues for interacting. Specifically, I take the bus to the mall on busy Fridays. I have come to a place in my life where I am fine with me and who I am. Heck people see a guy in girls clothes but I am good with that. So I prefer to get the stares, guffaws and giggles out of the way sooner than later.

So all was going good. I take the bus from a busy hub so lots of stares, pokes in sides . . . nudge, nudge, wink, wink but nothing more than usual. Boarded the bus sat down and did what everyone else does put in my headphones and ignore the world. Got off the bus at the mall station and transcended into a throng of teens standing around waiting for buses . . . giggles, guffaws, . . . nothing new. Continue on up into the mall and begin my day of shopping. Now this is where Isha hits her stride as I just go from store to store, look at items, interact with SAs if required and make my purchases. Oh I get read and there are double-takes, nudges, giggles, stares . . . but I have grown used to that and just go about my business.

So I decide to go to Starbucks and get a coffee and then it happens. I am walking by this older guy sitting on a bench and for a brief minute we make eye contact. This has happened hundreds of times and in most cases the encounter is brief and I move on. However this time his facial features go from vanilla, to WTF then to pure and absolute disdain. It felt like he thought I was a traitor to my gender and should be eradicated from the earth . . . pure hate is all I can say. I know, some may say you are reading into it but believe me, I have seen that look and it was real. Now I didn't feel threatened in the sense he was going to jump up and go all Chuck Norris on me but the hate in his eyes was clear.

I admit it knocked my confidence off balance, I broke eye contact and retreated to the safety of Starbucks. Once I hit SBs, I began to have a classic panic attack. I locked myself in the bathroom for what felt like forever (probably only 10 minutes). I was visibly shaken, short of breath and to be honest afraid to go back out in the mall. However, I did calm down and left the bathroom, bought my coffee and left the mall . . . she who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.

I am still very mad at myself for leaving and even madder that I did not buy my skirt. Oh well, live and learn . . . but I do plan to get back on the horse so next trip will be by bus to the mall in the city core.

So just wondering if this has happened to anyone else?

Hugs

Isha

[Kate Simmons]

I'm wondering what this older guy would say if you ended up saving his life one day. Stuff like that does happen. When its all on the line some bigots have been known to do a quick U turn. Just saying.

[Launa]

This hasn't happened yet where I have felt the onset of a panic attack but a month ago I was leaving a restaurant and a guy my own age was walking by and gave me the look of absolute disgust. It was that expression like you don't belong here on earth, I can't believe there are people like you in the world and I'm ready to vomit. It didn't bother me that much but I'm sure if the situation like yours happens to me at the right time I could feel the jitters too.

[Krisi]

Doing what we do, we place ourselves in the minority. What you experienced is pretty close to what a black person might have experienced in the south fifty years ago. Or even yesterday. It's an eye opener. People can be jerks.

All you can do is suck it up and go back out the next time.

[Jamiegirl1]

Isha,you are so brave to go out like that...I never stray very far from my vehicle...no wonder you were scared to death...I have had hateful looks from guys and women both,that look of disgust...but I find that if I smile at them,they will smile back sometimes,or they will just look away....I had one guy stare at me with daggers,I left the situation as soon as I could.....you did the right thing by leaving,you have to trust your instinct......please stay safe,Jamie

[ChristinaK]

I think that there are many people of both sexes that would not mind if we were hunted down and eradicated. And, that does happen at some locations even though homosexuality is fairly common there. Many people's attitudes have not changed much. If you are not part of the "norm" of society, then you don't deserve to live in that society. I'm fairly certain that if my own Father knew about me I would not be welcome in his home. But, he's gone anyway.

And, I totally agree with Jamiegirl. You are an inspiration to us and admire your bravery. Be happy with who you are and be safe.

[noeleena]

Hi.

You know im out all the time so ... a man is sitting on a seat near a coffe house or is walking towards me maybe with wife or friend a stranger or someone i dont know ,some young people from school walk towards me or in front , the man with his dog .

okay many times i say Hi, sometimes i stop and talk i make eye contact with every one, very few ignore me most will say hi, and then the day after or week later different people maybe some i know, or they know me any way,

Okay maybe our difference is im well known and seen a lot and i interact with people more,

The other detail is your town / city is much bigger and more people, were ours is a Village, under 3,500 people were we live in Waimate,, Timaru is 30,000 and i am seen there on Tuesdays each week shoping interacting with others a lot,

Just trying to see is there a difference or well i think there is just some have an attitude any way if its different or they lack understanding that maybe some details can be different they just dont wont to have to accept that,

...noeleena...

[Teresa]

I'm sorry you had your day spoiled Isha , even in drab the guy may have given you that look he was probably having a crap day ! I guess no matter how many times you go out the feeling of walking on eggshells doesn't completely go away ! You know you'll go back for that skirt and the excuse to buy something to go with it, then you'll need a coffee to steady the credit card down, they get nervous as well you know !

[Marcelle]

Hi Noeleena,

The running population of my city is approximately 300,000 souls. It is odd though while I have run into some rude looks (more curiosity than mean - it is not everyday you see a cross dresser), this is the first "hate filled" look I have encountered. For the most part nobody pays me much attention, they just walk on by regardless of whether I look them in the eye or not. It was a bit unnerving but I will deal.

Hugs

Isha

[Nadine Spirit]

I normally do not look at others long enough to see their reactions to me. I glance at people mostly. But once, the very first time I was in public, I did see a woman giving me a look of disgust. That is really the worst I have ever seen. It may be that others are giving me nasty looks, but as I said I generally don't look at people long enough to notice.

[Chari]

Sad to hear you had to go through an unpleasant shopping situation, and still did not find your "jean skirt", but there is always tomorrow. In the beginning of my first "out & about" times, I had many encounters with others not accepting my feminine side, and could tell by their look and/or body language it would be most embarrassing & uncomfortable if I stayed in their area. As quickly as I could, I removed my self from that situation - never saying or doing anything that would escalate "their problem" which could cause physical harm to me. Felt at some of those times I was not "passible" and decided to work harder on my feminine presentation. Today I have become comfortable and confident in who I am, no matter how I am presenting. Enjoy.

[Alexis.j]

I think the idea is to ignore whats going on around you, but still be aware enough for safety.
We naturally are EXTREMELY self conscious by the nature of what we are doing. And I also think look to deep into many things that are not there.
Yes. the majority of the population does hate us or at least disapprove of us, but that still wont stop us wanting to go out. I have just as much of a right walking the streets as anyone else on this planet!
What about the seriously disfigured people out there? must they stay out of the public's eye?
Yes it is hard out there, but i would think trying to ignore what others think/say would be the best approach.
Hell, I am not really the one to give this advice, as I have not been out as often as most of you. But it is what I try and do (its difficult i know)

[Jenniferathome]

No Isha, not me. But I think the problem is that you obviously cared what he "thought." Why? He's nothing to you. Frankly, the best thing you could have done was ask to sit next to him. Totally disarm him. If it really was hate, then he would have run scared....

[Marcelle]

Hi Jen,

That is the funny thing . . . I normally don't care what people think and am more inclined to smile at those people or engage them in conversation. This just threw me for a loop and I am not really sure why. But you are likely on to something that his look must have made me think "why is he looking at me like that". Though it would have been funny to see his reaction if I had sat down next him

Hugs

Isha

[Shelly Preston]

Isha

I think this was just down to bad timing. Sometimes when your out and about and you start to relax you get caught out by the unexpected. It does not have to be bad either. Use this as a positive, you took your time and got through it without too much trouble.

Not getting the skirt means you have another excuse to go shopping.

[Kayla C]

Isha,
It is sad there are so many hateful people in the world.
But the reality is you need to be careful.
There are too many of us who have been harmed just for being who we are.
Hugs,
Kayla

[wendy360]

I don't know if anybody has ever given me a nasty look, I try not to look people in the eye unless they are coming right at me. That being said before I get out of the car I look in the mirror and tell myself, Lets give em something to talk about.
I think you know you will get the looks and the giggles from your post. My advise is to get back out as soon as possible so you get back into your comfort zone.
Best of luck

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Sorry that old guy rained on your parade. I am far to confrontational and would have asked" what's that look all about sir"? I too do not suffer the little things but this was a little more than that so I would have had to find out, not recommending this to you but for me it's what I do. Life is too short to have this crap happen and get away with it. Best of luck next time, most of the times I've been out I have never had problems so don't sweat this encounter.

[sanderlay]

In my three years of being out I have never felt what you have described. I do tend to keep blinders on and just glance around at persons I see. And yes the typical smirks and look-a-ways are common. But seeing smiles from women just seems to wash all that negative stuff away ten times over. I never got those smiles when I presented as a man. So I like it.

I don't remember if I was in dressed as I do but I have seen a look of hate before from a few persons who I suspect might have been on drugs or some mental problem. I have also seen it from a drunk person, my Father. Sometimes they were in their own world and many times talking to themselves. But that hate pouring from their eyes was unnerving and hard to forget. I just keep my distance and go where I feel safe, usually where lots of people are.

I don't let these fringe element persons steal my joy of being myself. Many seem very unhappy with life anyway and just they want to make me unhappy. I won't let them gain a victory. My joy and confidence are my own.

[sherri]

I got a real stink eye once, from an older (but not elderly) woman while I was window shopping antique shops one afternoon. It was unnerving wondering if she was going to be confrontational, especially since her husband was with her, but I refused to be cowed. I just looked her right in the eye to show her I knew what was going on, then returned to what I was doing -- which was minding my own business.


The way I look at it, people have a right to their own sensibilities and belief systems, and if that includes disapproving of me (probably out of ignorance) then so be it. But what they don't have a right to do is hate me, 'specially if I'm not harming anyone. It's a shame such encounters rarely present the opportunity to defuse the situation in some kind way, which would be my first choice. Sadly, the best course of action when confronted with hatred is usually to walk away, but I do think it's important to do so in a way that communicates that I haven't been cowed lest the meanie think he or she has scored some sort of self-righteous condemnation victory.


Btw, I looked WAY better than that old cow who glared at me. :-)

[Nikki A.]

I've gotten that look once and I know it can be a bit unnerving. It was actually my first time out as Nikki in a non TG friendly club or group setting.
I was invited to a lesbian wedding by the sister of one of the brides. Everything was fine until at one point a bunch of us went outside for a smoke. I got that look from that person there. It turned out he was a brother of the bride and my friend, but a real jerk. Pissed him off a little more when his sister borrowed my lipstick.

[ArleneRaquel]

A few years back I was in a check-line at a local Jewel grocert store, the clerk was fine, but the bagger, an older lady, gave me a stare that would stop the clock.

[Wildaboutheels]

It's little wonder that it threw you. I know the look and have seen it ONE time in almost 14 years of going out regularly but I can't really count it as a "bad" experience for several reasons.

It's inevitable, if one goes out enough times to enough places to encounter a bit of everything. Teenagers are far and away the most likely potholes in the road but are easy enough to deal with if prepared.

But, as you so nicely explained AND confirmed, most folks are sharp enough not to care. NO REASON THEY SHOULD. One bad apple out of a hundred or a thousand does not spoil the whole barrel unless one allows it to. I imagine just in the short time you have been going out, you have already walked by/been observed by thousands of people? IMO, doing it your way with the masses, IS safer than going to LGBT "friendly" places/events. Because of doing it your way, you have a firm grip of REALITY.

The other thing to keep in mind. Could he simply not help himself? Or, more likely, was he trying to send you a message in no uncertain terms? I can think of at least 2 "good" reasons why. I am sure there are possibly others. People always have reasons for how they act and what they do.

[Leah Lynn]

Hi, Isha, no never the hate-filled look. Many WTF's, once a lady walked off the curb, staring at me, all bewildered. The worst happened a couple weeks ago. Cruising the mall, I strolled into a store. About 50 feet in, I encountered a 20-something female, that looked then loudly exclaimed, "The circus must be in town, I just saw something from the freak show!" That really shook me. Hope you never have to encounter any more evil out there.

Hugs,

Leah

[Beverley Sims]

I have had similar encounters but not as bad as yours.
I have been able to shake them off and yes live to fight another day.