This post is more directed at the TG/CD side of the house as our reasons for dressing (in whatever manner) vary in response to our perception internally (self) or externally (world). However while I am fully cognizant that for our TG/TS sisters it is not so much perception as it is about correcting mismatched gender, I also welcome your responses if you so desire. In addition, this is not limited to those who go out or dress/present a specific way but everyone regardless of presentation.
Yesterday a GG friend of ours came for dinner and the topic of my weird panic attack came up. Now this GG friend has been out with me as Isha on several occasions so she was a bit surprised at the panic attack. She thought perhaps the odd look really challenged how I wish to be perceived externally (the world writ large). When I got such a hated look it brought home the reality that I was perceived as a guy and momentarily short circuited my resolve. Plausible I thought but then I have never perceived myself as anything but a guy dressed as a girl.
So I was thinking about that comment this morning and thought . . . Do I really wish to be perceived as a woman when I am out in the world? I mean I always talk about blending, I employ the subtle art of camouflage when out and about (girl clothes, wig, make-up, walk, mannerisms) all designed to present female. If I interact with people I soften my voice to make it sound more female. I have even gone as far as laser beard reduction to ease the use of make-up. But do I really want people to perceive me as female. My internal perception (what I see when I look in the mirror) is all boy. Externally . . .hmmm . . . food for thought.
If I take all the things I do in order to appear female when out and about then a prima facie case can be made that externally I wish people to perceive me as a woman. However, the internalized perception (boy) is strong and let's face it I am fooling nobody when I have to interact or people come in closer for inspection. So even though I am going to great lengths to appear female, I know I am not nor will I ever be or to my current knowledge want to be a woman (no insult to GGs or TS gals intended). But still, part of me has a desire to be seen as a woman by others and why is that? Perhaps it is validation for all the hard work that goes into my presentation or who knows a deep seated wish to be female ( slightly right of the CD line on the curve) and I have just not embraced that yet. Whatever the reason, I will have to admit that while I know I am not a woman, I do have a bit of a desire to seen as a woman when out if truth be told. However, I do not think of myself as a woman when out because I am a guy . . . make any sense?
So my question to you is . . . how do you perceive yourself internally (self) when dressed and/or what is your wish for external perception (to the world) irrespective of whether you go out or not.
Hugs
Isha